Chapter 3 - Unable To Stay, Unwilling To Leave

Sam nibbled at her top lip; trying to find something else wrong with the plan her CO had presented her. Leave this planet, with this evil man Maldo, and leave her CO here. Sam was willing to admit she hated it here and that she would give almost anything to be able to leave, but she was unable to make a decision. She knew what she wanted, but she couldn't have it. She sniffed again, trying to make herself do what she knew she had to. She had to leave her CO behind and go. Maybe she didn't even have to do that, but something told her she needed to do what he asked. If it was the last time she was to see her Colonel, she at least wanted to be doing something he asked her to do. Even if it wasn't something she wanted to do.

"I don't want to leave you here, Jack," she murmured, using his name for emphasis.

Jack watched Sam lower her head again to mind the ground with her eyes. He wanted to find an alternative - some other idea that was better - but in his heart, he knew there was no such idea. It was his duty, he felt, as her CO and as a friend, to give her a better chance. And who knows, Jack thought hopefully, maybe Hammond will send a team out here. Somehow, he didn't believe that.

"I don't want to do this," he admitted, "but I'm ordering you to go, Sam."

That was twice they'd used their names when addressing each other. They never used their names.

"Then I'm refusing to leave," Carter said stubbornly, pursing her lips and gritting her teeth.

"It's," O'Neill hesitated, "it's not as important if I don't go back."

"Colonel, that's - "

"Please," he interrupted, "let me finish."

Sam nodded silently. "It's not as important because, I'm just another officer. Just another soldier. Just another Colonel. There's not many Astrophysicists around. They're not gonna miss me if I'm gone, Carter. They'll suffer if you're not there."

Sam's eyes gathered more tears and she frowned painfully. "Do you actually believe that?" she asked incredulously.

"Yeah," Jack replied quietly, "yeah, I do."

"You're just as important as I am. You're one of the best soldiers in that place. General Hammond knows that. He relies on your opinion so much. Everyone would notice if you were gone, Colonel."

"Just - just go, Carter," Jack paused. "Please."

Sam licked her lips and swallowed thickly. This was it. She had to go now. There was no more time to waste, for either of them. They'd already wasted a lot of valuable time. They'd been lucky so far, but their luck would run out. "Say hi to General Hammond for me," Jack said as he indicated towards the door with a nod of his head.

Sam nodded dismally, standing up uncomfortably. "The last house," she reminded herself, while asking her Colonel at the same time.

He nodded and reiterated her last two words. "Last house."

A moment of uncomfortable silence sent echoes through Sam's mind as she stared down at her CO on the ground. "I'll make sure General Hammond sends a team back here, Sir," she said, a determined shine to her eyes.

Sam made her way toward the door slowly and opened it just enough to see the coast was clear outside for now. She turned her head to her CO, who was on the ground by her, holding the door slightly ajar with one hand. Something in their silence said everything they wanted to say to one another. Without a thought, Sam knelt on the ground and wrapped her arms around her Colonel. This was something she'd had trouble dealing with before, but that had been different. He wasn't asking her to leave the planet then, even if they had known it was Earth and there were no hostiles. He just had a broken leg. Admittedly, the chances of survival, for both of them, hadn't been good, but there'd been no one in Antarctica like Maldo. This was so different to then. Something about it, made it worse. In Jack's arms, Sam felt safe. It made her want to stay even more. After a moment, they separated and Sam knew she had to go.

Jack tried to smile encouragingly for her. It didn't work. "I'd say good luck, but you don't need it," he said confidently.

It made Sam's spirits lift slightly. "Thank you," she said simply and then turned to leave. Giving one last check to the immediate vicinity, Carter nodded to herself and pushed the door open.

Taking the first stride away from the chamber and her CO was the hardest, physically and emotionally, but Sam promised herself to be strong. She'd always managed to be before, and she could stay that way now. Jack, through a gap in the door, watched Sam walk away into the minimal activity created by the villagers. He caught one last glimpse of her face as she turned back to catch one last glimpse of his. They shared in a brief smile through the gap in the door, trying to both be positive in their own minds. Positive vibes amiss, they tried to draw hope from each other.

As Sam reached the track her Colonel had told her to follow, she looked back to what she'd left behind. The chamber was far out of view by now, but she'd focussed her mind on it so well that it may as well have been on Earth, for to her, it was right beside her.

"Thank you," she whispered under her breath and then took the track to the Stargate in as quick a pace as she could manage without tiring herself out before reaching it. Once back to the SGC, back home, Sam heard General Hammond's first words. The words she'd told herself he was going to say. The words she knew everyone was thinking.

"Where is Colonel O'Neill?"

@

In the Infirmary, General Hammond stood beside the bed Sam had been given. Janet reminded her that she had to stay in the Infirmary for at least a day. Hammond's eyes were distant - deeply thoughtful. He stared unblinkingly at the ground. Sam waited for him to speak. "I need to know exactly what happened, Major," he said finally, looking up with a deep stare.

Fraiser left the room; the uncomfortable vibes released from the General made her uneasy. Sam nodded and began to tell the General all about what had transpired between her and her CO and Maldo the Sixth. The explanation took far longer than either anticipated, but once completed, Hammond understood the situation. Understood how Jack's mind worked and how he'd made his decision to send Sam home while she had the chance. But the planet itself sounded like a risky rescue mission to attempt. Something about it told Hammond to scrub it. Then his conscience reminded him of who that man was. What he'd done in the past and even now. It hurt Hammond to think he didn't want to risk others' lives in the attempt to save another, but it also hurt to think that he was considering leaving Jack there.

"General, you have to send a team back," Sam insisted while Hammond's brow creased further in concentration and thought.

"Let me think about this one, Major," he said. "It would be a risky mission."

"General, you don't understand!" Sam's voice rose higher than she intended, but she was desperate. She wouldn't let the General say no to this one. It just wasn't an option. "We can't just leave Colonel O'Neill there. You don't know what those people are like."

Hammond's face registered the plea, but he had others to consider, as much as it was a drawback. He would have gone himself; only he didn't want to send anyone into unpredictable conditions like that. No one. He saw the desperation in the Major's eyes. She needed for him to let this happen.

"That's what I'm afraid of, Major," he admitted tonelessly and then left. Sam sunk back into her bed. The sheets made rustling sounds like leaves as she crumpled them down around her. Sam punched the empty mattress space beside her. She couldn't understand the determination she had bubbling up inside her, but it was fierce as the eyes of a murderer. It made her angry as well as emotional and impatient.

Janet left her other patients and wandered over to Sam. The doctor noticed that Sam's eyes were closed but she was not relaxed. Her fist was tensed beside her and her features were coarse in her irritation. Fraiser pulled up a chair beside the bed, resting her fingers lightly on Sam's clenched fist. Carter's eyes opened immediately, but her agitation faded and slowly slipped away when she saw the good doctor's friendly smile. "How are you holding up, Sam?" Janet asked gently. Her voice was not demanding, but calm and concerned. Sam attempted a half-smile for her friend. Fraiser saw it slide, but noted she tried.

"I'm ok," Carter lied.

Janet nodded. "Sure," she said.

"When can I go?" Sam asked quickly. She needed to be involved in the proceedings. It was important to her that she was contributing to her CO's rescue. Janet smiled at her, but knew it wasn't the smile Sam wanted to see.

"Give it a day," Fraiser replied, trying to sound firm but not pushy.

Sam sighed emphatically, and a little irritably. "Come on, Janet," she persisted, "you know I need to be involved here."

"I do know that, yes," Janet agreed, "but I also know that you've got some pretty nasty lesions and bruising where you were tortured. You need to rest up for at least a day, if not a few more."

"You can't make me stay here that long, Janet," Sam pleaded and dictated at the same time. "I can't stay in here that long."

"I assure you, you can," Janet smiled, almost wickedly, "and you will."

Sam drew a serious note. She wasn't kidding about needing to be involved. She could not stay in the Infirmary while she didn't know what was happening to her CO. "Janet." Sam's voice grew quiet. No longer dictating. Now she was asking. Begging. Desperation evident. "Please."

Janet's eyes grew deep with understanding. She knew that Sam wanted desperately to be caught up in the action, but the doctor inside Fraiser remained strong and relentless. Sam had to stay in the Infirmary for at least a day. It wasn't optional. "Sam, I know what you're saying."

"But you still won't let me go, right?"

Janet frowned sadly, trying to say sorry with her eyes and her expression. It was clear to her, however, that Sam wasn't satisfied with that alone.

"I'm sorry," Fraiser said quietly, lowering her head as she disappointed her friend and she knew it.

Sam watched the doctor leave and felt an aching pain in the pit of her stomach grow. She sighed deeply and slid further into her bed, so she was lying down. Slowly forcing her eyes closed, she saw the repeating images of her walking away from the chamber her CO stayed in to watch her go. The torture she'd heard him endure before that. The scenes played themselves again and again, pounding at her eyes like a drum. She could feel her mouth turning out - eyes building up with tears. How could she have left him there like that? He may have told her to go, but that was no excuse. She shouldn't have gone. Tears began to slip from the corners of Sam's closed eyes.

Whatever happens, no one gets left behind.

@

The next day took a long time to come for Sam, but when it did, it wasn't all she'd hoped for. Her back still burned with pain from the torture, and her chest stung slightly when breathing. Janet asked her how she felt the moment she woke up, but Sam knew she had to lie for the doctor to let her out of the Infirmary. "I feel fine, Janet. Honestly."

"If you're lying to me, Sam - "

"Janet, I'm not lying."

"I've heard that one before."

Fraiser gave her friend the scrutinizing eye before agreeing to let her leave, on the proviso that she returned later in the day to be checked over. Sam readily agreed and left the Infirmary quicker than Janet had time to blink in.

The Control Room was filled with a tension nobody questioned. Everyone was uptight and sharp. Eyes darted through the room like arrows and words were magnified by the stress. Hammond still hadn't said anything about whether or not the rescue mission was to go ahead. Everyone anticipated his decision. Nobody more than Sam. She knocked lightly on his door, almost afraid to interrupt him. He answered quietly, his voice clouded by concentration, contemplation. "Come."

"General," Sam began before she'd fully opened the door, "I don't want to alter your decision, I really don't, but I need for you to allow this mission."

Hammond's eyes told Sam the answer before he opened his mouth. She wanted to scream, but knew it would prove useless. "I'm sorry, Major," he said earnestly. She could see he meant it. This was hard for him to do, but harder for her to hear. "I can't authorize a rescue mission."

"General, no!" Sam exclaimed, striding towards his desk. "You can't do that." "I'm sorry," Hammond repeated.

Sam could hear the strain in his voice. She didn't know what else to say. He couldn't be serious. Couldn't do this to his second in command. How could he be serious? How could he do this? "General, is there something more to this than you're willing to tell me?" Sam asked, sitting down in anticipation.

Hammond's eyes recognised her suspicion. He couldn't hide it from Carter. She would figure it out eventually. He would have to tell the whole base eventually. "More than you know, Major," Hammond admitted with a sigh.

"I know it's probably something you're not allowed to talk about, Sir, but."

"Close the door, Major and I'll explain."

Sam did as she was asked then returned to her seat in front of the General's desk. "General?" she prompted after a long moment of silence.

He slowly looked up to her. This is something big, Sam thought. "The President and Joint Chiefs made a call, a few weeks ago," Hammond began slowly. "They've got complete control over what happens here now. We're costing them too much. Their superior skills are going to save money. Apparently." It took Sam a while to take this in.

"You mean they make all the decisions?" she asked.

"They decide on everything. Whether or not SG-1 will take a mission, or whether the commissary will have imported coffee. Everything."

"Are you saying they won't allow a rescue mission?"

"They find the planet to be hostile, therefore they see no reason to jeopardise any lives in order to save one."

"General," Sam said contemplatively, "with all due respect, what they don't know won't hurt them, will it?"

"I agree, Major," Hammond replied, much to Sam's surprise.

"So then we can go ahead with - "

"Unfortunately," the General interrupted, "they now have monitors on our computers. Any address we type into our computer, they know about it. They authorise every mission now. As much as I want to disregard their orders on this one, I just can't risk it, Major. I'm sorry."

Sam stood up to pace around a bit, but her legs didn't want to hold her up and forced her to sit back down. Her psyche didn't want to let her cry, but her eyes did. She looked down at her shaky hands. Why did she feel so emotional about this? Hammond watched Carter as she sat staring down at her hands. He could see she was shaking. Had he made the wrong decision? Could he afford to disobey this order? Sam's eyelids dropped. "I shouldn't have left," she sobbed.

Hammond joined her on the opposite side of his desk. Sitting on the chair next to her, he wrapped an arm around her back. "I shouldn't have left him there, General," Sam cried.

"Do you really believe he'd blame you?" the General asked, knowing she knew the answer. "He told you to leave because he thought it was best for you. You know what he's like. He wouldn't have taken no for an answer."

"I know, but I - "

"So don't beat yourself up about this."

"What about Colonel O'Neill, General?" Sam asked, looking up and wiping her eyes with the back of her right hand.

"He'll find a way out, Major," Hammond smiled. "He always does." Sam nodded. Somehow, she didn't believe he could make it out of this one.

After Sam had left, Hammond moved back to his usual chair on the right side of his desk. "I hope he finds a way out," he murmured.