The Private Rehabilitation Center of Minas Tirith

By Aiwendil Greenleaf

Disclaimer: All you remember, you've read about in a book, is Tolkien's belongings. Rest is my wicked mind. I'm not making any money from this, trust me, I'd be on Hawaii right now if I was... And wait, I don't own Pixi Sticks either.

**Warning: There is gonna be slash now. Male/male pairing. Not graphic (yet) but mentioning. If this offends you, go away. Don't flame, I did warn you. Maybe a little late, but I did...**

~*~* A/N: Sorry it's so late, but here it is. So, I just finished watching se7en (fifth time, I guess), and then I got this idea. Seven stories from one day in the students lives, each of them committing a deadly sin... Scary (if I kill them off...), but can be made funny (if I try really hard??). Mwuhuhahahaha!!! And for the spice of it, The Seven Contrary Virtues. Practising these virtues is alleged to protect one against temptation toward the Seven Deadly Sins, so let's put them in with them (they are NOT the seven heavenly virtues, just so you know it. They are: faith, hope, charity, fortitude, justice, temperance, prudence. I knew those in my head. I might become a crazy serial-killer... Nah).

Dear Reviewers:

Thanks, cynda-chan. I've taking quite a liking of happy-stoned-Haldir myself.

Raveness: Yeah, I love Haldir very much, and I think PJ should fry in hell for killing him. Many people believe that too, don't you guys??? But anyways, thank you for the nice reviews.

Keko: Thanks. He might, but I wouldn't wanna fight an angry Legolas...

legano-san: *Giggles* Glad you liked it.

Fiora_da_insane: *Takes Pixi sticks* They don't have these in Denmark, and all you people keep talking about them... Are they good?? Thank you, thank you, thank you. I'm truly hoping I can post this tonight, but hey, it ain't my computer...

Ravenness: Again ^.^ I'm the best?? *Sobs of happiness* T-T-Thank you...

asia: I want more Haldir too *pout* And thank you for the other reviews.

DeeSarrachi: You just gave me the best idea, thanks. Frodo, the schizophrenic hobbit. *Loud evil laughter* Thank you, very much. And thank you for restraining Mel, she almost crewed off my foot... And hey, I need Pearl. Trust me, something not that good will happen too her.

Quenn Of Slash: Okay, I hope you're reading this. You get it your way, L/A slash. And wait, who said I'd give Nef to Leggy?? I was only planning on friendship up until chapter five... Now I'll just put her with, well... Èomer, Haldir (I'll have all the happy-stoned-Haldir lover dying to chop my head off. *Grabs throat and makes funny grimace*), Figwit, Elladan, Elrohir, Merry (*Snigger*)... Or would Nef/Arwen please you even more?? ~.^ But anyway, you'll love this, you pervy slasher!!! *Notice Zenia (she's sitting next to me) raising an eyebrow, and saying "YOU are a pervy slash- fancier, you git"*

~*~*2. A/N: The 'word' paper clips just tapped the screen to get my attention (it makes real 'metal against glass sounds), and now it's staring at me. I'm scared...

Now, with that done: Let's get rrrrreeeeaaaady to Ruuuuummmblllle!!! (Was that a 'roll' or what? ^.^)

(Read the A/N(s) if you haven't done that already, Fool of a Took)

Se7en:



*~~**~~**~~*

Anger (patience):



"Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid Bombadil!!!"

Nef sighed. Aragorn had been swearing for half an hour after they got out of detention, and Nef was the only one left, that would put up with his 'bitching' (Haldir just had a way with words). Legs had smiled half-hearted before he left, and Figwit had blown her an air-kiss. Elrohir had smirked satisfied...

Now about Detention: it had been bad, really bad.

FLASHBACK:

"Welcome students!!"

Haldir sobbed of horror. Nef padded him comfortingly on the shoulder, but it seemed of no use. Strangely enough, the elves had gone smoking just before (not like things could get any worse, if they got court), and Haldir didn't even bother getting stoned... Much, anyway

"So, merry dol," Bombadil started (halfway singing), an pointed strictly at some chairs, which the students sat on without protesting. "We'll first here some of my 'of Tom, of Tom, of Tom Bombadil' songs, then you'll make your own."

Haldir hid his pretty face in his hands, and Nef gasped in horror. She wouldn't live though this, even Haldir was dying. She could see a single muscle working in Legolas' chin, Aragorn was staring blankly into space, Figwit had big tears forming in his eyes and Elrohir looked like someone who was about to be decapitated.

Bombadil cleared his throat, and began the horrid singing:

"Merry dol, Tom Bombadil's a merry fellow

Bobadil, Bom Bom O Bombadil

His jacket is blue and his boots are yellow

Tom Tom Bom Bom Ba Dil o Dil!"

Nef screamed silently, as did the rest.

"Second verse!!" Bombadil cheered and continued singing. Haldir cowed his ears with his hands, and Nef started writing her will on her notebook. Let's see, smokes to Haldir and Legs, panties to Figwit, pocket knife to Boromir (or Aragorn, you can fight for it guys, the winner survives), and...

END FLASHBACK

"Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid Bombadil!!" Aragorn shouted again and then there was a loud 'crack'.

Nef turned around, "What did the wall do to you, Mon Cherie??" she asked in French accent, remembering that Aragorn had a thing for The Adams Family. The movie at least.

Back to the now. Indeed, Aragorn, in the now, had one hand "in" the wall, "Ow," he mumbled and tried to pull it out, "It won't work. Give me a hand, Tish. (Hee!)"

Nef slowly walked back to him, and sent him a 'your own fault'-look. Aragorn groaned and pointed angrily at his right hand, with the left of cause. Nef sighed tiredly, and tried pulling his hand out, "Blasted bad craftsmanship," she grumbled, and let go when Aragorn whined loudly. "The wall sucks too."

Aragorn smirked sarcastically. Then he froze in horror.

"I mean, In math, Estel was SO dreamy..." Voice one squealed.

"And in Geometry too!!!" added voice two, also in a girly squeal.

Aragorn started pulling and trashing wildly, trying to get away. He just considered biting his hand off, like wolves do, when Nef cleared her throat, "What, bubala??"

Aragorn got glassy eyes, "Pain and Panic. They'll rape me," he whispered urgently, and began biting off his hand.

Nef bit her lip, time for some good, logic thinking. Or just thinking at least. "Stand still damit," she growled, and Aragorn stopped trashing. Actually it looked like he just gave up, and accepted his fate.

Nef pulled out her pocket knife. Aragorn looked like he was to comment that it was illegal, but he didn't say anything. The two evil creations of Satan came closer to the corridor. With her tongue between her teeth, Nef started cutting the wall around Aragorn's hand. "Hurry," he whispered, and jumped a few times. "Stand still, you twit," Nef growled, and stopped before she would accidentally cut off his hand. The voices grew louder, and Aragorn started to faint. Nef cut ever so slowly, and...

With a shift pull, Aragorn's bloody hand was out. He blinked a couple of times, before Nef grasped his hand and pulled him into the nearest room. Her own.



*~~**~~**~~*

Pride/Vanity (humility):

Melianwen growled loudly, "Stop breathing so loud, elf!!"

Legolas sent her a dirty look, "Maybe you shouldn't mind other peoples business."

Melianwen looked like she might attack, but instead she began checking her hair in her mirror.

Legolas watched her out the corner of his eye. He briefly considered finishing his math homework, but decided to do a little human research. "You must truly be rotten inside, if you can't live without knowing your outsides are perfect."

Melianwen's head shot up, her eyes blazing, "I bet you are just the same, all you pretty elves."

Legolas raised one eyebrow, and smiled slightly at her, "We aren't, Mel'."

Melianwen stood up and, and flicking her hair, walked to Legolas, "You do not call me 'Mel', got it??" she hissed.

The elf looked blankly at her, "Why, is that hurting your pride??" he asked mockingly.

Melianwen turned and returned to her seat, without a word, reassuming writing the same lame math report. "Bet you check your hair every chance you get. All elves are vain like they were Gods," She said coldly after a minute.

"Well, I... - We don't," Legs answered then paused, "I'm not to sure about Figwit though."

Legolas giggled at his own joke, and Melianwen snorted. "I don't believe you, elf," she said and lifted her chin again.

"And I don't care," Legolas answered.

"Fine."

"Fine!"

"Fine!!"

"FINE!!!"

"Shut up, elf!!"

"Make me, MORTAL!!"

"FINE!!!!"



*~~**~~**~~*



Envy (kindness):

"Sam??"

Sam looked up from his newly planted daisies, and met Pearl's chocolate eyes, "Yes, Pearly??"

Pearl winked her eyebrows in a seductive manner and meowed, "Uh, the pet names, Sam-slut."

"That Peregrin is having a really bad influence on you," Sam smiled, and got up. "What did you want??"

Pearl threw herself on her bed, and kicked off her shoes (the newest hobbit fashion was groundbreaking: Shoes, even snickers!!), "Why is Perfect-Frodo here??"

Sam paused. Coming to think of it, he never really thought about that. "Well, you are here..."

"Releasing the beast," Pearl crackled. "But come on, he looks like a little lamb..."

A few blinks, and Sam was sure he had heard her right. "Maybe he's gay," he answered with a small cheer.

Pearl snorted, and picked up Sam's daisies. She inhaled the smell and sighed contemptibly. "I don't know," she mused after a short pause. "He has pretty eyes though."

"Yeah, I know. Very pretty, beautiful, eyes."

"Why can't I have pretty blue eyes??" Pearl pouted childishly, but remarkably serious at the same time.

Sam walked to his sink, and washed off his hands, "You have beautiful eyes," he murmured quietly.

"Huh??" Pearl asked and looked at him with the wide, childish, gaze again. Like the first time he met her. She even blinked a few times.

"I said," Sam repeated, with a short pause in the middle, while drying his hands with paper towel. "You have beautiful eyes." He finished standing by her bed end, with a kind look in his eyes, "Pippin hasn't told you yet??"

"He told me I have pretty eyes, and that I look cute all the time," Pearl whispered with a smile on her lips, "I just think blue eyes are pretty for a lass, like that Diamond of Longcleeve," she ended.

Sam shook his head, "You are so much more beautiful then her."

"But Rosie Cotton says Diamond is after Pip, and..."

"No," Sam said strictly, "Diamond of Longcleeve is the meanest bitch, and Pippin would never pick her over you."

Pearl snorted, "How can you be sure?? It's not like I'm Xena over here..."

Sam sent her sad look and sat beside her, "You are kind, sweet, pretty, and the best person to talk too, I've ever met," he stated firmly.

Pearl broke into a huge smile, and gave him a kiss on the cheek, "Thank you, Samwise," she whispered and then hugged him close, "You are the best."

Sam blushed (as usual), and shrugged, "I'm not, really."

"Sure you are. Now, I'll just go help you out," she said with a wicked grin and got up.

Sam looked confused, "What??"

"I'll go tell Frodo you fancy him. Be right back."

People passing could see a hobbit lass trying to get down the hall, with a hobbit lad hanging onto her right ankle...



*~~**~~**~~*

Gluttony (abstinence):

"Haldir, cut it out."

Haldir looked up at Figwit, half a Pixi Stick hanging from his mouth, "What, Figgie??"

Figwit sighed and rubbed his temples, "You're eating very noisily."

"But I'm very hungry," Haldir giggled and chewed the rest, not even bothering to close his mouth.

Figwit flinched in disgust, "You have the munches, that the problem really." Of cause, Haldir had those almost all the time, but still.

"So...?" He began with another Pixi Stick.

Figwit considered for a moment, "Maybe you could give up getting stoned, for just a week..." he suggested, "You know, so I could get a little studying done on my first month."

The blond elf looked outraged, "Give up ma' weed?? Nev'ar!!! Use da library if you must, Fuggie." (By this time, Figwit had come to terms with the pet names changing all the time) "Like you'd give up sex..."

Blondie had a point, but nevertheless, "I haven't even had sex while I've been here, 'Hallie!!'"

Haldir smiled cheekily, "Only because you want Neffie, and she doesn't wanna."

"Shut up," the dark haired of the two grumbled and went back to his crappy math report. A few second passed with silence from Haldir (who laughed at the math). Then there with rustling off paper, and loud chewing of another Pixi Stick. Figwit hit his head against his desk. It bounced off... Damn desk.

*~~**~~**~~*

Sloth (diligence):

Mîm sighed in her slumber and turned over. It was great at the center, truly great.

"Mîm, we have homework."

That would be Gimli, the Snake in Paradise. "Shut up, Gimli, sweety."

Of cause she had decided to hang in Gimli's room, but did that mean he should make her study?? I don't think so girlfriend.

There was a pause, "Mîm..."

Mîm groaned and sat up on the bed, "I don't wanna. You said this place was cool!!"

"It is, when you are done with your homework. Before, it's a *pain*," Gimli said and noted for her to start on some English stuff.

Mîm scanned the paper. Boring, boring, boring, boring... "Gimli, I don't wanna!!!"

"You have too."

"But I don't wanna."

"You don't have any other options."

"I could protest," Mîm suggested.

Gimli shook his head, "Nope."

Mîm threw up her hands in defeat, "Homework it is..."

"Good girl."

Mîm smirked, and then aimed a pillow for his head.

*~~**~~**~~*

Greed (liberality):

There was a knock on the door, and Elrond flinched. Migraine had been bad ever since the news about Mrs. Anìron and Mr. Monië's new friends. And how many detentions they had managed to get. "Yes??" he cooed (or more like sobbed). "Mr. Elrond, good day." Gandalf, with hobbit. Great. "Young Mr. Frodo Baggins has run out as medication, so..."

The young hobbit looked incredibly smug, "Preciousssss... We wants it, WANTS IT!!!!"

Elrond groaned, "I see, we are kinda greedy today. Thank God for single person rooms." Frodo Baggins, special case. Suffered from extreme schizophrenia. Though putting him in a single-room was bad regarding cases of missing pills, having parents complaining about "un-expectable student" was worse. Elrond went to his cabinet in the corner of his office. He picked a bottle of pills, and handed it to Gandalf. Frodo tried getting away, but Gandalf grabbed his leg and forced a pill in his mouth.

A few second passed, then Frodo twitched. "Professor??" he asked slowly. Gandalf smiled briefly, and put him down. The hobbit thanked politely, and left.

"He is a nice lad," Elrond commented.

Gandalf shrugged, "Yeah, most of his personalities are nice. But stay away from Darryl."

Elrond rubbed his temples for what felt like the 20th time of the day, "He costs a lot to keep drugged..."

"He deserves it," Gandalf said fondly. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go flunk most of Morie house."

Elronds smiled grimly, "Don't forget Dain."

Gandalf crackled evilly, "I won't, trust me I won't."



*~~**~~**~~*

Lust (chastity):

Nef smirked and sat in her chair, "Good thing Faramir isn't in."

Aragorn raised an eyebrow, "You are planning to keep me in a closed room 'till he shows up, and kills me??"

"Nope," Nef grinned, "actually I've been wanting to ask you something..."

"Really??" Aragorn asked, and sat on her bed. Nef reached under Faramir's bed, and pulled out two beers. Aragorn kept his eyebrow raised.

Nef shrugged "He said I could borrow from him, if I gave him smokes from time to time. Is that wrong??"

"Legally, yes," Aragorn smiled, but accepted the drink.

"So..." Nef started naturally, "How long have you been into Legolas??"

Aragorn spluttered beer over the rug, "What??"

Nef still looked like they were talking about killing Boromir or something normal like that. "How long have you wanted to grab his cute little ass, and shag his brains out??"

Aragorn looked outraged, "*EXCUSE* me, I think I'm hearing you wrong..."

"No, and you heard me just right the first time, you pervy elf-fancier," Nef snapped in an annoyed tone. "So how long have you lusted some of his tight little butt??"

Aragorn assembled a goldfish out of water, "I don't.. - "

"Oh stop lying to me." Nef was now smirking lightly and leaned back in her comfy chair.

Long silence. "Maybe five months..." Pause, in which Nef started playing with lock of her hair. "Five moths and twenty days tomorrow." Nef grinned like a cat after getting cream. "That's all the time I've been here," Aragorn added with a sad look.

"Genius Gomez," Nef drawled, and leaned over to pad him on the shoulder, "I'll tell Leggy first chance I get."

"What!?!" Aragorn looked moderately (okay, that was an understatement) shocked.

Nef grinned satisfied, "Well he obviously feels the same, Querido."

"How do you know... Cara Bella (inset sigh here)??

"He hasn't made any moves on me," Nef said shortly.

Aragorn smirked, "So he just *has* to be gay??"

Nef nodded and, smiled, leaning close to Aragorn's face, "Every being on the school has tried to make moves on me. All, except dwarfs, a few people actually loyal to their girlfriends, most of the teachers non-gay girls, and gay males." She pulled back and smiled, "Legs in the last group."

Aragorn sighed, then furrowed his brow, "Which teacher??"

"Not teacher really..." Nef murmured, and looked disgusted, "Gríma Wormtongue offered a "private session" tomorrow after dinner. Then he winked suggestively and meowed." She shuddered and took a long sip of her beer.

Aragorn started laughing loudly, "You and Éowyn should form a club," he smiled cheekily, "U.W.F. Union of Wormtongue's Fancies."

Nef smirked sarcastically, "Now back to you wanting Leggy."

Aragorn stopped laughing and looked wounded, "Maybe he just doesn't fancy you," he grumbled.

"Nah. And besides, he told me."

"What??"

Nef sighed in annoyance, "That he likes you very much, are you always this thick-skulled??"

Aragorn stared blankly into space, before drowning his beer in one shallow. Nef shook her head and grabbed for another one from under Faramir's bed. Aragorn took it and emptied that too. Nef smiled briefly, and leaned back, wiggling her fingers in glee.

"He did, I mean, he does??"

Nef locked eyes with the boy. Aragorn looked surprised, scared, but also kinda relieved. Wow, she was multi-tasking... "The Smoking Ring of Elves could be renamed. The-Place-You-Tell-People-Deep-Dark-Secrets..." She smiled satisfied with the philosophical sound of the sentence.

Much to Nef's surprise, Aragorn then started laughing. Loudly. With extremely childish enthusiasm threw himself at her, and proceeded in a giant hug. Nef, after pushing him off so she could breathe, gave him a tired look, "So, wanna go think of a good approach on things??"

"How to confront Legolas??" Aragorn asked, suddenly nervous.

Nef raised an eyebrow, "No, how to now avoid him for the rest of eternity, Mon Cherie. Note the sarcasm."

Aragorn nodded, and helped himself to his third beer. His face cracked into an evil smile, "So, how about you an Figwit??"

"Dimwit??" Nef tried to look disgusted.

Aragorn smiled charmingly, "When are you gonna break the written law?? "

"Never." The elf crossed her arm over her chest.

Aragorn didn't look convinced, "So, you'll be the only female elf who doesn't have sex?? Safe Arwrench."

"You bet I'll be, I'm working on a whole 40 days, 40 nights plot here," Nef growled and stood up. "Faramir might show up soon, you should get out."

Aragorn looked wounded again, "You don't love me, Neffie??"

"Call me that again, and I'll cut off your balls."

"Okay, you got it," Aragorn smile brightly, and bowed, "Have fun with your chastity-thing." Nef closed the door after the chippy human, and sighed. This was going well, all hail the power of woman intuition. Hopefully.

*~~**~~**~~*

A/N: Boy, that was long. Now, I really want reviews... Feel the bright bottom calling you!!!

The "Word" clips is now scratching it's head. Help.