The bitch is back to torture y'all ;)
This one is dedicated to everyone who had a shitty weekend like me (you know who you are)
*hugs her crazy family *
We made it through in one piece, well done! :)
Disclaimer: Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. By the by I don't own them.
Authors Note: This takes place a few weeks after the birth. It is also a bit of a different style, more conversation, less description.
Monica looked down lovingly at her sleeping daughters. A chink in the curtains allowed a street lamp to cast a warm glow around the room, illuminating Chloe and Rachel's sleeping features and casting shadows on the walls of the small room. She sighed, her momentary serenity spoilt by the worries that had been hacking away in her mind for some time. She was scared. Scared of being a single Mom. Scared in some way she would fail her children, fail to show them how much she loved them, fail to protect them from what troubles came their way.
A soft rustling outside her bedroom door interrupted her increasingly negative train of thoughts. She got up quietly, pulled an old robe around her tiny frame and padded out into the living room.
"Hey," Chandler whispered quietly as he lifted his head and saw her body silhouetted in the door frame, " What are you doing up so late?"
"I was about to ask you the same thing," she answered, observing his ruffled hair and crumpled clothes. He shrugged,
"I couldn't sleep I guess"
"Me neither," she smiled wanly and walked up to the counter where he was standing with a glass of water, "Plus Rachel will doubtless want to be fed soon."
"Right," Chandler laughed, "And there's another reason why trying to sleep is pointless, when Rachel wants fed, boy do we all know about it."
Monica frowned at his wise crack, " Look Chandler, I'm really sorry that I'm still staying here but I have no where else to go. I am looking for my own apartment; I'll be out of your hair soon. I promise"
Chandler was taken a back by the cutting tone in her voice,
"Don't worry Mon, I was joking. Stay here as long as you want. Honestly, it's no trouble to me."
His eyes ran over her face with concern. Since she had come back from the hospital he had been worried about her health. She looked tired. Her face was drawn, her cheek bones jutted out at sharp angles and the dark blue smudges under her eyes enhanced how the sparkling mischief that they had once held was long gone.
" Look Mon, are you alright? You seem a bit, well, ill "
Tellingly she didn't say a word. She wanted to open up to someone about how scared and tired she was but at the same time a part of her held back. Her marriage to John had scarred her in more ways than one. She was no longer an open, carefree person; years of abuse had made her harder and more reluctant to show her true feelings, she just felt safer that way. If no one knew the truth they couldn't hurt her with it, she'd built a strong barrier between what she felt and what she said.
" I'm fine, a bit tired but then I do have a baby to look after." Trying to change the subject, she looked him in the eyes, "And what about you? How are you?"
" I've been better," he told her honestly.
"Wow," she commented
"What?"
" You've really changed."
"In what way?"
"Well when I knew you, the answer would have been some sort of sarcastic comment."
Chandler nodded in agreement, she knew him well. Or had known him well,
" Well a lot of stuff has happened,"
"Like what?" she probed.
" Well," he took a deep breath, unsure if he was ready to share with anyone, let alone Monica who had enough problems of her own to deal with.
"Well…" Monica gazed at him inquisitively
" Well there was this girl called Kathy."
"Kathy?" Monica turned the name over on her tongue.
"Yeah, Kathy. She was Joey's girlfriend and well to cut a long story short, I kissed her when she was still going out with Jo," observing the surprised look on her face Chandler continued, " Yeah I know it was a stupid thing to do, it comes pretty high on the long list of dumb choices I've made"
"What happened?"
" Well Joey was mad, not so much cause I kissed her but because I broke his trust. I never really got it back, we're fine now but we're not as close as we used to be. As for Kathy, well I went out with her for a while but then my stupid insecurities managed to screw that relationship up as well. I accused her of cheating on me with this guy named Nick, turns out she wasn't…..she did after I accused her though." He smiled ruefully, recognising the irony in the situation as he did every time he ran the story through his mind.
Monica walked around to his side of the counter and hugged him tightly. She was aware of the fact that he, like her, bottled up emotions and she admired him for having the courage to tell her.
"Sweetie, that was her fault not yours."
" Yeah so people keep telling me," he answered squeezing her back, " But I just wonder how it all would have worked out if my stupid insecurities hadn't got in the way. I feel like I pushed her away, and I hate myself for it. After that I figured I had some growing up to do. I know I come off as terrified of commitment but I don't want to be like that all my life. With Kathy I could actually see a future, I loved her."
Chandler couldn't believe he was telling Monica all this. Feelings that he had tried his hardest to repress, he was pouring out to a woman he hardly knew anymore. The strangest thing was he felt comfortable doing so, he felt comfortable with her being there in his arms, he felt comfortable telling her his secrets. She had always made him feel that way.
" And then there was you," he whispered into her hair. Monica pulled back,
"Me?"
"Yes you. Monica, when you got married I felt so jealous. I know that we're just friends but you were my special friend, the one I told everything to. When you met John I was so happy for you but a tiny part of me felt that he had taken you away from me. The dynamic of the gang changed when you got married, at first it wasn't so different, you still visited. Then Chloe was born and the visits became less and less frequent. Do you realise Mon that I hadn't seen you for nearly 3 years? I missed you so much. Then you came back, but things were different again, you were different. And I know that's not your fault but to be honest I miss the Monica who I could laugh and talk to. I missed this," he gestured in between them.
Monica just stood and wept, the barrier she had built to stop herself getting hurt had crumbled completely at Chandler's words.
"I missed you too," she sobbed into his shoulder as she clung on for dear life. Chandler stood and stroked her hair, glad that she was finally talking; it was her newfound silence that had been the hardest thing for him to deal with. Time stretched on until Chandler finally gathered the courage to ask Monica the question that had been on his mind since she had returned.
" Mon, why didn't you tell one of us? You know we would have come and helped you in a second if we'd known."
She'd known the question was coming yet it still hit her like a ton of bricks. Why? The endless questions that had no simple answers. The question she had dreaded and avoided answering for so long. She drew a long, shuddering breath,
"The first time he hit me was on a summer's afternoon, I remember that I was in the kitchen with Chloe, cooking, I remember the sunlight streaming through the window, the sound of kids playing outside in their front yards. He came through and I thought he looked drunk; he'd been drinking a lot. He asked me what I was cooking and I said pasta, he said he didn't like pasta even though I knew he did. He went to the fridge to get another beer and I told him he'd spoil his appetite. He told me to shut up; he'd been doing that a lot as well. And then," Monica started shaking in Chandler's arms,
"then Chloe started crying and he went 'for God's sake is there no peace in this damn house' and I turned round and said 'maybe there would be if you weren't here' He got this look in his eyes, he drew his hand back and I knew he was going to hit me. I ducked but too late, he got me right there," she pointed to a spot just below her eye
" And I was so mad and scared afterwards, both for Chloe and myself, but most of all I just wondered why he had done it. He said he was sorry, he said it again and again and because I'm stupid I believed he was. But was he fuck, he was sorry every time he hit me and yet he kept on doing it. He wasn't sorry at all."
Chandler stayed silent, holding her as she continued to whisper her sad past to him,
" I guess that's the biggest reason why I didn't leave, why I didn't call for help. Because every time he said sorry I believed him. I wanted to believe him, I loved him, and a part of me still does. You know how people say love can conquer all? Well I was convinced if I just stayed we could push past it. Maybe it was arrogance believing I could change him. I guess that was dumbest thing I ever did" she laughed bitterly
"And then another part of me wanted to stay and find out WHY he did it. I asked him once when we having a good day, we'd just had sex. You know what the bastard said? He said, because he felt like it. He abused me for 3 years just because he felt like it! There were other things as well like the shame. I was so ashamed; I felt like maybe I was to blame so I hid away," Monica's words began to tumble over one another as her emotions rushed out,
"And you know after years of being told you're worthless you start to believe it even though you're trying your hardest to block everything out. He'd call me a bitch and a slut. He'd hit me, pinch me, kick me but I just tried to ignore it. It all blurred into one, pain mixed with happiness until I couldn't tell one from the other. I was so fucked up, I was a wreck. Thank God for Chloe and Rachel because if it hadn't been for them I don't think I would have been able to pull myself out of there. I left after the way John reacted over my pregnancy; I left for the safety of my children. Maybe I am worthless, I didn't have the strength to leave for myself"
" Oh my God Monica," Chandler spoke, his voice choked, " You have to know you're not worthless. You're the strongest person I know, not only did you get out of there but you managed to get your life back in order. You know what Ross said to me the other day? You were sitting playing with Rachel and he turned around and said ' I am so proud of her, my baby sister is so strong. How did she manage Chandler? I don't think I could have.' We love you Mon and we will never let you get hurt again."
" I know that Chandler. But I'm just so scared. I'm a single Mom with no job, 2 kids and an estranged husband who beat me. How fucked up can one life be? Every new day is a challenge for me, sometimes the only thing that gets me through is my babies. I love them so much but at the same time I'm terrified for them. I don't want them to grow up and go out into the big wide world, cause I'm scared they'll end up like me. Most of all, I'm scared that I'm not going to be a good Mom. Already Chloe has seen her Mommy covered in bruises, bleeding on the carpet, trying to crawl up the stairs to bed. She asked me once one night, when John was in a good mood, ' How come Daddy isn't hurting you today?' How twisted is that? She is a 5 year old kid who accepts violence as normal. My life is screwed up, I know that, but I couldn't forgive myself if I screwed up theirs as well."
" Monica listen to me," Chandler spoke firmly, moving her so they were face to face, " You are not the fuck up, John is. You are a wonderful, loving mother and person. You think the world of your kids, and they think the world of you. Everyone who knows you loves you, your kids loves you, your brother loves you, the gang loves you," he looked into her eyes and in a barely audible voice finished his sentence, " I love you."
Slowly he leant in and kissed her. She wasn't surprised by his lips on her own, she didn't mind either. Their soft caresses made her feel loved, made her feel wanted. She moved closer to Chandler, looped her hands around his neck and pulled him closer. His tongue slid into her mouth and still she didn't stop him but instead moaned into his mouth. Monica's kisses became increasingly more needy as she found the love she had been craving for with John. She knew perfectly well that she should stop, that this was just a temporary passion that would bring more problems than it was worth,but she couldn't push herself away. She knew she was going to sleep with him if something didn't stop her.
Suddenly, jus as Monica accepted the inevitable, Rachel's shrill cry broke the heated silence of the apartment.
TBC (?)
So my children, how was that one? Did you like the conversation or should I stick to my descriptive writing? And the biggest question of them all…should I continue?
