Tears Chapter 6
A/N - Ha HA a years worth of writing block...take that, I finally wrote some more of this :p
Disclaimer: I'm not gonna lie to myself, I don't own them.
Rachel's stark cries broke through the feelings they'd enveloped themselves in. Monica jumped back as if she'd been scalded and rushed into her bedroom, slamming the door behind herself, hiding herself away. Chandler stood and stared. Running his fingers subconsciously across his lips he slumped down on his barca lounger, contemplating what had just happened. Staring intently at the door until his vision blurred Chandler replayed the kiss in his mind over and over again. He could almost feel her soft skin under his finger tips, her lips brushing enticingly over his own, her scent filling the air around them, wrapping them up comfortably in the moment. Monica sat rocking Rachel, not even noticing as her cries subsided into quiet whimpers. She wanted more than anything to go back into the living room, throw caution to the wind and kiss Chandler again and again until she forgot anything had ever hurt her. She wanted more than anything to not be afraid. But she couldn't let it happen, her inbuilt fears of trusting anyone with any part of herself prevailed and she wasted the night away wishing for something she would not let herself have.
'Why did I do it?' Chandler berated himself for what felt like the hundredth time that day. He was sick of that phrase running through his head over and over again, he'd spent his whole week asking himself and he always returned to the same answer, a very simple one that made life both beautifully simple and confusingly complicated. Love. He wasn't sure if he liked that answer at all. A part of him had always loved Monica, he realised that now. It masked itself as friendly affection but it had always been there, holding her up as the ideal with which he measured all woman against. None of them had ever made it, none of them could compare to his Monica. A Monica he could look at but not touch, she'd always been unavailable to him. 'Even now', he noted with a wry smile. She was further away than ever, she had barriers that Chandler wasn't sure anyone could penetrate. 'So why now then?' Maddeningly it all came back to love. It was as simple as that, try as he might he couldn't complicate it. She'd spent the week avoiding him with such talent that he's barely glimpsed her at all. He could tell what she was doing, could see her shutting herself off but he didn't have the courage to stop her. He didn't want to lose her, didn't want to say anything that would push their fragile relationship over the edge and send her running in the opposite direction. 'Then again,' he mused, 'there won't be much of a relationship left if I don't get my ass into gear and do something' That realisation gave him the courage he needed. Leaping up, he strode out of the coffee house, determined to talk to Monica before his resolve faded.
About 10 paces outside of Central Perk his courage began to melt away. What if she wasn't at home? What if she ignored him? What if she ran away? What if she didn't even care? Taking a sharp right away from the apartment block and the questions it raised Chandler wandered through Central Park and sat down heavily on a bench. The rain sodden wood was making his new suit wet but he didn't notice. He picked up a glistening stone and began throwing it aimlessly from hand to hand as he contemplated his position. How could one little woman affect him so much? Her words and actions had come to mean so much to him. All she had to do was smile and it would make his day. He noted with sadness that she didn't smile much anymore and when she did it never reached her eyes. He wanted more than anything to be the one to make her smile again. Throwing the stone down in frustration he turned to leave but was stopped by a hand on his shoulder,
" Is this seat taken?" Monica asked pointing beside him.
" No," he muttered smiling slightly as he sat back down. Taking this as an invitation Monica swept away the gathered water with her jacket sleeve and sat down beside him, placing a careful distance between their bodies. Chandler stared at her waiting to see what she had to say.
"I'm sorry," she whispered so quietly that he had to lean in to hear her. She glanced up to gauge his reaction. He was gazing at her as though he was trying to memorize every inch of her face. He had that same faraway look in his eyes that she'd seen as she'd watched him from a few feet away just minutes ago, trying to pluck up the courage to come talk to him, to try to explain - that much he deserved.
" I'm sorry," she said again, this time louder, " I'm sorry for running away and avoiding you this last week, I'm sorry for nearly ruining our friendship." Chandler noticed with trepidation that she hadn't said sorry for kissing him yet, before she could he cut her off,
" Are you sorry for kissing me?" The question caught her off guard, she stuttered and tried to regain her composure as she felt herself blushing.
" No Chandler I'm not," hearing her words and seeing the pink color that was filling her cheeks, Chandler took her hand gently and leant in. Just before his lips touched hers she leant back and rose from the bench,
" But I am sorry that I can not let myself do this right now." She turned and he thought she was going to run away again, but instead she placed a hand on the bench as if to stop herself from falling over. Her head shook as if she was trying to clear it from any thought,
" I am so fucking sick of this," she spoke unsteadily, her voice laced with tears " I'm so fucking sick of being afraid of everything.of not letting myself feel cause I'm afraid it will hurt.I, I just want to be normal again."
At this point Chandler, sensing what she needed, scrambled up and placed a reassuring hand on her shoulder, afraid to do anything else he just stayed still and spoke over her shoulder,
" You are normal Monica."
She spun round as if he'd hit her, instead of given her kind words.
" What kind of normal do you know Chandler?!!!" she spat out. He stepped back, his hands upraised as if to fend off her angry outburst, " It is not normal for every part of your body to want to be with one person, yet you can't because you're too afraid! You don't know Chandler! You don't know how frustrating it is to be scared all the time."
A nearby couple turned to stare at what they assumed was a lovers spat, making Monica realise just how public her outburst was.
" Look," she said, lowering her tone and stepping closer to Chandler, " I'm so sorry. I'm sorry for everything, I thought I could handle this but obviously not.I've gotta go" she turned round to leave but Chandler grabbed her hand before she could run away for the last time,
"Wait," seeing her frantic look at his sudden action, he let go of her hand and pleaded more softly, "Wait Monica please."
"Chandler anything you say is going to make this harder..I just can't handle hurting you and that's what will happen if we continue, so I think it's best if I go..."
"Monica please just stop running away, or thinking about running away for one second and listen to what I have to say," she said nothing to that so he continued, "look you know I've never been that good with words, so I'm just going to say this and get in done with. I am hopelessly in love with you," her head whipped up and her mouth opened, a protest already forming on her tongue, he placed his finger gently on her lips, "shhhh, let me finish. I am hopelessly in love with you, always have been and always will be. I know you are afraid, do you think I can't see it in your eyes? You don't need to explain anything to me, because I do know. I know what it's like to be too afraid to start a relationship with your best friend. Ever since I've known you I've known what that is like. I also know that you're hurting and have been for a long time. I don't know exactly what you've been through but I do know that I want to help. I want to be able to make it all go away. You may not be ready for a relationship but I'll wait Mon cause I love you. I want to be next to you when you're truly happy again; I want to have the opportunity to make you happy again. Please let me in"
Monica sniffed loudly, not trusting her voice she stepped into his arms and hugged him tightly, burying her face in his shirt and sniffing again. They stood there entwined together until Monica could be sure of her voice again,
" For someone who's not so good with words I'd say that was pretty good," Chandler let go of a breath he hadn't realised he'd been holding as she chuckled in his arms. Gradually she became still again and began to run her hands up and down his back.
"Thank you," her muffled voice told him, "Thank you for understanding, for promising to be there." She lifted her face to him and stood on her tiptoes, wrapping her hands around his neck. Just before their lips touched she whispered again, "Thank you."
TBC
Okay here comes the obligatory begging for reviews. PLEASE REVIEW!!!! PLEASE!!!! PLEASE!!!!!!! PLEASSSEEEEEEE!!!!!!! *is done*
A/N - Ha HA a years worth of writing block...take that, I finally wrote some more of this :p
Disclaimer: I'm not gonna lie to myself, I don't own them.
Rachel's stark cries broke through the feelings they'd enveloped themselves in. Monica jumped back as if she'd been scalded and rushed into her bedroom, slamming the door behind herself, hiding herself away. Chandler stood and stared. Running his fingers subconsciously across his lips he slumped down on his barca lounger, contemplating what had just happened. Staring intently at the door until his vision blurred Chandler replayed the kiss in his mind over and over again. He could almost feel her soft skin under his finger tips, her lips brushing enticingly over his own, her scent filling the air around them, wrapping them up comfortably in the moment. Monica sat rocking Rachel, not even noticing as her cries subsided into quiet whimpers. She wanted more than anything to go back into the living room, throw caution to the wind and kiss Chandler again and again until she forgot anything had ever hurt her. She wanted more than anything to not be afraid. But she couldn't let it happen, her inbuilt fears of trusting anyone with any part of herself prevailed and she wasted the night away wishing for something she would not let herself have.
'Why did I do it?' Chandler berated himself for what felt like the hundredth time that day. He was sick of that phrase running through his head over and over again, he'd spent his whole week asking himself and he always returned to the same answer, a very simple one that made life both beautifully simple and confusingly complicated. Love. He wasn't sure if he liked that answer at all. A part of him had always loved Monica, he realised that now. It masked itself as friendly affection but it had always been there, holding her up as the ideal with which he measured all woman against. None of them had ever made it, none of them could compare to his Monica. A Monica he could look at but not touch, she'd always been unavailable to him. 'Even now', he noted with a wry smile. She was further away than ever, she had barriers that Chandler wasn't sure anyone could penetrate. 'So why now then?' Maddeningly it all came back to love. It was as simple as that, try as he might he couldn't complicate it. She'd spent the week avoiding him with such talent that he's barely glimpsed her at all. He could tell what she was doing, could see her shutting herself off but he didn't have the courage to stop her. He didn't want to lose her, didn't want to say anything that would push their fragile relationship over the edge and send her running in the opposite direction. 'Then again,' he mused, 'there won't be much of a relationship left if I don't get my ass into gear and do something' That realisation gave him the courage he needed. Leaping up, he strode out of the coffee house, determined to talk to Monica before his resolve faded.
About 10 paces outside of Central Perk his courage began to melt away. What if she wasn't at home? What if she ignored him? What if she ran away? What if she didn't even care? Taking a sharp right away from the apartment block and the questions it raised Chandler wandered through Central Park and sat down heavily on a bench. The rain sodden wood was making his new suit wet but he didn't notice. He picked up a glistening stone and began throwing it aimlessly from hand to hand as he contemplated his position. How could one little woman affect him so much? Her words and actions had come to mean so much to him. All she had to do was smile and it would make his day. He noted with sadness that she didn't smile much anymore and when she did it never reached her eyes. He wanted more than anything to be the one to make her smile again. Throwing the stone down in frustration he turned to leave but was stopped by a hand on his shoulder,
" Is this seat taken?" Monica asked pointing beside him.
" No," he muttered smiling slightly as he sat back down. Taking this as an invitation Monica swept away the gathered water with her jacket sleeve and sat down beside him, placing a careful distance between their bodies. Chandler stared at her waiting to see what she had to say.
"I'm sorry," she whispered so quietly that he had to lean in to hear her. She glanced up to gauge his reaction. He was gazing at her as though he was trying to memorize every inch of her face. He had that same faraway look in his eyes that she'd seen as she'd watched him from a few feet away just minutes ago, trying to pluck up the courage to come talk to him, to try to explain - that much he deserved.
" I'm sorry," she said again, this time louder, " I'm sorry for running away and avoiding you this last week, I'm sorry for nearly ruining our friendship." Chandler noticed with trepidation that she hadn't said sorry for kissing him yet, before she could he cut her off,
" Are you sorry for kissing me?" The question caught her off guard, she stuttered and tried to regain her composure as she felt herself blushing.
" No Chandler I'm not," hearing her words and seeing the pink color that was filling her cheeks, Chandler took her hand gently and leant in. Just before his lips touched hers she leant back and rose from the bench,
" But I am sorry that I can not let myself do this right now." She turned and he thought she was going to run away again, but instead she placed a hand on the bench as if to stop herself from falling over. Her head shook as if she was trying to clear it from any thought,
" I am so fucking sick of this," she spoke unsteadily, her voice laced with tears " I'm so fucking sick of being afraid of everything.of not letting myself feel cause I'm afraid it will hurt.I, I just want to be normal again."
At this point Chandler, sensing what she needed, scrambled up and placed a reassuring hand on her shoulder, afraid to do anything else he just stayed still and spoke over her shoulder,
" You are normal Monica."
She spun round as if he'd hit her, instead of given her kind words.
" What kind of normal do you know Chandler?!!!" she spat out. He stepped back, his hands upraised as if to fend off her angry outburst, " It is not normal for every part of your body to want to be with one person, yet you can't because you're too afraid! You don't know Chandler! You don't know how frustrating it is to be scared all the time."
A nearby couple turned to stare at what they assumed was a lovers spat, making Monica realise just how public her outburst was.
" Look," she said, lowering her tone and stepping closer to Chandler, " I'm so sorry. I'm sorry for everything, I thought I could handle this but obviously not.I've gotta go" she turned round to leave but Chandler grabbed her hand before she could run away for the last time,
"Wait," seeing her frantic look at his sudden action, he let go of her hand and pleaded more softly, "Wait Monica please."
"Chandler anything you say is going to make this harder..I just can't handle hurting you and that's what will happen if we continue, so I think it's best if I go..."
"Monica please just stop running away, or thinking about running away for one second and listen to what I have to say," she said nothing to that so he continued, "look you know I've never been that good with words, so I'm just going to say this and get in done with. I am hopelessly in love with you," her head whipped up and her mouth opened, a protest already forming on her tongue, he placed his finger gently on her lips, "shhhh, let me finish. I am hopelessly in love with you, always have been and always will be. I know you are afraid, do you think I can't see it in your eyes? You don't need to explain anything to me, because I do know. I know what it's like to be too afraid to start a relationship with your best friend. Ever since I've known you I've known what that is like. I also know that you're hurting and have been for a long time. I don't know exactly what you've been through but I do know that I want to help. I want to be able to make it all go away. You may not be ready for a relationship but I'll wait Mon cause I love you. I want to be next to you when you're truly happy again; I want to have the opportunity to make you happy again. Please let me in"
Monica sniffed loudly, not trusting her voice she stepped into his arms and hugged him tightly, burying her face in his shirt and sniffing again. They stood there entwined together until Monica could be sure of her voice again,
" For someone who's not so good with words I'd say that was pretty good," Chandler let go of a breath he hadn't realised he'd been holding as she chuckled in his arms. Gradually she became still again and began to run her hands up and down his back.
"Thank you," her muffled voice told him, "Thank you for understanding, for promising to be there." She lifted her face to him and stood on her tiptoes, wrapping her hands around his neck. Just before their lips touched she whispered again, "Thank you."
TBC
Okay here comes the obligatory begging for reviews. PLEASE REVIEW!!!! PLEASE!!!! PLEASE!!!!!!! PLEASSSEEEEEEE!!!!!!! *is done*
