Before entering the Great Hall where this Council was to be held, the elves bouncily led Paula, Julianna, Kathleen, Rachel, and Laura into a small bedchamber to change.
"Here! Here!" the cried, holding out long elven gowns in soft colors, and long, silvery-gray cloaks to go over them.
"Elves are my heroes!" said Julianna, smiling ear-to-ear.
The elves beamed. "Oh no, indeed! The true heroes are to be seen downstairs! Hurry, fair maidens! The supper is growing cold!"
As they closed the door happily (they did everything happily,) Paula bounced up and down on the little elf bed, grabbing Julianna by the neck as she went. "I ask you this: how can any little being with pointy ears not be your hero?"
"Come on guys!" Laura prompted, already dressed. "I want to see more of this place!"
"Yeah, really… hurry up!" Kathleen said. "Stop bouncing on the bed, Paula. I really don't think they'll appreciate it if you break it… it looks pretty expensive. They might cry like your mom."
Julianna grinned even though Paula still had her in a headlock. "Hear that? Don't bounce on the bed, Paula… even though I'm sure the elves do all the time!" Paula stopped bouncing.
Within moments Rachel, Paula, and Julianna had shed their kilts and polo shirts and were clothed in such attire that would make Elbereth seethe with jealousy.
They were just about to troop back out when Kathleen barred the way.
"They're going to make fun of you." She looked pretty amused.
"What? Why?" Everyone was completely baffled.
"Okay, first of all, you're still in penny loafers… It's warm enough here to go barefoot…"
"Alright…" they slipped off their loafers and knee socks, wiggling their toes… their happy, naked toes. "What else?"
"Hair," Kathleen nodded. Her own dark brown hair was down. The others still had messy buns. "We should at least try not to make this a total culture clash!"
"Umm… Kathleen… they're elves! It's gonna clash" Julianna said, shaking her hair loose.
"Out of curiosity, how did you ever become an expert at elven culture?" Paula asked as they opened the chamber door and strolled out into the hallway, where the little elves promptly stopped climbing and repelling up and down the walls and decorative candelabras.
"The Lord of the Rings, my friend, The Lord of the Rings." Kathleen smiled. "You'd know too, if you'd ever finished reading it!"
"Meep!" Paula clung to Julianna.
"Stop itttt!" Julianna cried, trying to pry Paula off and wriggle away. "I don't want you to ruin my elf clothes!"
"Ha ha ha…" Paula suddenly looked evil. "Gar!" She threw her arm out wide and hit Julianna, who stopped struggling and let a happy little Paula cling to her elf clothes.
They reached the entrance of the Great Hall, where Remus, Harry, Ron, and Hermione stood waiting. Ron smiled creepily at the sight of Paula, who was too busy harassing Jules to notice. Hermione, engrossed in watching the bouncy elves was also too busy to notice.
"Here we are!" twittered the ickle elves. "Elrond! Elrond! Tee hee hee!" With one gargantuan effort, they threw open the heavy doors.
Elrond stood and raised his goblet of light wine. "Greetings, daughters of man." He sat down again.
The girls gaped.
"He's not an elf!" Rachel finally cried in disdain, indicating Elrond.
"What are you talking about?" Kathleen asked.
"Look at him! Look at everyone else!" Julianna pointed. "These are not cute, cuddly, frighteningly hyperactive elves! They're like '80s hair band members who cleaned up and changed clothes!"
"Hee! Hee! Ha! Ha! So silly! So silly! Hair band? Hee! Hee!" chirped the waist-high elves as they held their hair in their hands straight up in the air and started marching in circles around the girls.
"See? Now these are real elves!" Rachel said. One of them leapt onto her back in sheer joy. "Whoa-ho!"
Elrond's expression of welcome turned stern. "These times are going to be more trying than I thought…" he muttered to himself as he rapped his ringed finger on the table. Rachel shut up.
"I am a real elf." He said proudly.
Rachel burst out laughing. "I'm a real boy! I'm a real boy!"
Elrond rapped his ring again. "I am a real elf, and I am not amused. Everyone seated here is a real elf." He pointed to the elves. "These that showed you in are mere children…"
Yoda nodded, speaking up for the first time. "Padawan elves they are."
"Yoda! You rock my world!" Laura said.
"Grateful am I that rock your world I do," said Yoda, only the tips of his ears visible over the high table. "Now welcome your other friend, you must."
"What?" Paula asked.
"What's he talking about?" Even Kathleen was confused.
"Where's Emily?" Julianna asked, finally realizing that she was gone.
"Coming to be welcomed, duh!" Rachel said as the doors opened once more and a troop of grimy men of various sizes and one girl in Catholic school uniform came striding in.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The master of Rivendell stood up again, smiling welcomingly when the four hobbits, Legolas, Gimli, and Emily entered, gesturing to a few empty seats amidst the small crowd.
"I was beginning to think that perhaps some of you would not come if you were invited," he said, pointedly looking at Sam. "But where is the Dúnadan?"
"Beg your pardon, sir," said Merry respectfully, "But I think he is off having his way with your daughter."
"Hush, Merry!" Frodo whispered. "Arwen is over there!"
Elrond looked severe. "No, not my daughter. Most likely himself."
Just then Aragorn rushed in, buckling his sword belt as he ran. "Elrond! Oh! You were already here… I had thought… I had thought…"
"Sit down, Dúnadan." Elrond commanded. Arwen might or might not have looked amused, but no one can say for sure, because she's not in this story.
"It is hardly what you think!"
"Sit, please. I was trying very hard not to think of it at all."
Embarrassed, Aragorn took his seat on Elrond's left side, for Yoda had the right.
Emily glanced around, searching for another girl in uniform somewhere amongst those seated, but she found none. It should have been obvious. Cheap wool kilts stand out amongst otherworldly materials of unmatched beauty.
"Emily Bean!" cried Julianna.
"Emilyyyyyyy!" yelled Paula as she leapt to her feet and ran in her awkward way towards Emily, only to throw herself onto the girl so as to be carried like an infant.
"Oh hush… you didn't even notice she was gone," said Julianna.
"Neither did you!" Paula turned around only long enough to stick out her tongue, then whirled back around and became airborne.
Ron watched in fascination.
Hermione, again, did not notice. Ron was one lucky fellow. "Thith food ith WUNDAFUH!" she said, not even pausing between bites.
"Whoa there, Hermione," Harry said, glancing in dismay at his friend. "I've never seen you like this. You'll make yourself sick for sure."
"Thut up, Hally!"
"Don't you know who prepares this food?" Harry asked, a mischievous glint sparkling in his amazingly green eyes. "Do you know, Hermione? Elves. You don't like elves having to slave over food now, do you?"
Hermione dropped her strange, elven utensil and swallowed, wiping her mouth daintily with her napkin, the picture of composure, and the absolute opposite of the girl she'd been but seconds before. "Look. Harry. Do these elves look unhappy?" She pointed to where a group of the little ones were dancing a jig around Gimli, who was fingering his axe.
"Noooo… but the house elves didn't look unhappy either!"
"These aren't house elves, Harry. The house elves were just in denial. These elves aren't the same thing. They're not slaves. Him, maybe," she said, nodding towards Yoda, "but not these guys. Some of them are even good-looking in a pre-Azkaban Lucius Malfoy kind of way!"
"That's disgusting, Mione." Harry said, shuddering at the memory of Draco's daddy dearest.
Hermione giggled. "I know! Sorry Ro-" she turned her head to playfully apologize to her boyfriend, who, in all likelihood, was seething. But he wasn't even paying attention. It was then that Ron's luck ran out. Hermione followed his gaze and saw… Paula… leaping through the air. Her jaw dropped.
Mid-leap, Paula looked across the crowded room and saw only one person… (elf, actually, if you want to get technical.) He was frowning into a gilt mirror as he fingered one of his small braids and flicked a piece of dirt off his tunic, and she found him beautiful. He looked up and his clear blue eyes locked on her oh-so creepy green ones. Her jaw dropped.
Near the Holy Names girls who had remained seated, Sam the poor, neglected, often-mocked gardener hobbit suddenly caught sight of one girl. His jaw dropped. Gaping, he whispered. "But soft! What light 'cross yonder table breaks? It is the East and Juliet is the sun!" (don't ask.) But though he whispered, the girl heard him.
"Actually, it's Julianna… not Juliet." She smiled at the little hobbit man.
He passed out.
(Disclaimer: I do not own Elvish Haute Couture [though that would rock my socks, no questions asked,] "Pinocchio," the wish of Elrond to become a real elf, or Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet. Also, while I do not own the sex lives of these characters, I never said anything definitely outright… so if you thought Aragorn was servicing himself, wash your brain out with soap!)
