Disclaimer: JAG belongs to DPB, Paramount, CBS et al. This is for fun, no
copyright infringement is intended.
---
THE PRESENT
I rub my palms over my face and get up to look out of the window. 'To sort my feelings out'. Oh, it was such a hard job to do. After I had learned the real reason why Clay had walked around with that blonde - Bloomer - I also realized that part of my giving in to Harm had been jealousy. Jealousy because I felt rejected. And that part darkened the happiness I felt to be with Harm. I still loved Harm. Lord, I wanted him - needed him ... but - How could I be jealous if Clay was supposed to mean nothing to me. How could I love Harm with all my heart if I was at the same time worried about Clay - worried like that? I wasn't able to lie to myself anymore. What I felt for Clay wasn't just friendship. But it wasn't like the love I felt for Harm either. I wanted to talk with Harm - I wanted to clear our love of all doubts ... but we had never been good at talking to each other. Not that we had that much opportunity to do so. Chegwidden kept him busy; he was more out of town than in it. And as I realized slowly, it was partly because he wanted it. It was Bud who let it slip that Harm was asking the Admiral to give *him* the cases which needed to be investigated on a carrier or a far away base or anything like that. Bud told me it was because I had been through so much lately and I needed some rest to find back to myself. It could have been sweet but instead I remembered Harm's words spoken during our first night together. Sure, like every woman I wanted to be protected sometimes - but not like this! We had a hot argument about it and it solved nothing. To add to the tension I couldn't get rid of the feeling of doing something wrong. We were still in the same chain of command - and we were breaking the rules. I still struggled with our difficult situation when AJ married Meredith in a small but moving ceremony and they went on their honeymoon - leaving me in the position of the Acting JAG. And just in these two weeks I discovered how much I'd betrayed my CO by starting an affair with Harm and not telling anyone...
***
FLASHBACK
- Mac's apartment
'Pregnant. Dear Lord in heaven - I'm pregnant.' Mac stared in disbelief at the result of her pregnancy test. She had been late - very late, it *was* possible to forget those things over a lot of work - and immediately her first and unplanned night with Harm came back to her mind. She had waited some more - fiddling, nervous and sometimes nearly jumping out of her skin - until she gathered enough courage to buy a pregnancy test. And here it was. What should have been one of the happiest days in her life - and she just felt horrible.
Just two weeks had passed since her blow up with Harm because of his over- protectiveness ... and now this. What was he going to say? He had been so nervous at little AJ's fourth birthday not so long ago... What was he going to say?
Mac sat down on the toilet and buried her face in her hands. To top it all Harm was out of town - at least four more days. There was nobody she could talk to. She couldn't burden Harriet or Bud with that now - not with their baby coming soon - not with the problems it meant for their work. She didn't want to go to Sturgis. He wouldn't understand. She was all alone.
***
- Harm's apartment, four days later
"God, Mac - I've missed you so much," sighing Harm took her in a tight embrace. Mac closed her eyes and reveled for some heartbeats in his warmth, his smell. Then she freed herself and walked a few steps to bring some distance between them.
"I've missed you too," she said without looking at him. She had pondered her next move over and over again. She had planned every word she wanted to say - and now she couldn't find them.
Harm didn't seem to notice. He chatted away about his case while he prepared some food. Involuntarily she asked herself if he wanted to give her time or if he really didn't sense that something was wrong.
"What - Did you ever... You ever thought about what we're going to do now?" Mac blurted out in a sudden rush. Harm looked confused.
"What do you mean? What should we do?"
"Well - this situation. Me and you ... and being together. We're breaking the rules, Harm." Mac turned to look at him. "Where do we stand now, Harm?"
He smiled. "We're standing in my apartment - all alone - and have a wonderful evening waiting."
'All alone.' Mac cringed inwardly.
"Not that!" Mac was somewhat angry. Couldn't he understand? "I mean - us. There *is* an 'us' now, isn't it? What are we going to do?"
"I don't know. Guess, we're dating ... talking if you want to ... growing together." Harm put his knife away and came to her side. "What's wrong, Mac? Tell me what's wrong."
She took a deep breath. "Dating and talking - is that all you want? I ... I've told you I - I want ... kids. I want a family..."
He drew back and returned to the kitchen table. "Why rush things, Mac? We - we have plenty of time, haven't we. Hey, our baby deal isn't scheduled until next year."
Mac bit her lower lip. "What if I haven't got the time to wait until next year?" she whispered.
But Harm hadn't heard her. He was fighting against a sudden flash of panic, against an old memory welling up in his mind. 'No. No, not now. Go away, Diane. Leave me alone.' He wasn't aware how distant his next words sounded. "I tell you what. We date, let's say about three months to half a year, and have enough time to figure things out in the meantime. We've reached this point; we'll go on when it's time."
His casual words hurt more than Mac was able to bear. She hugged herself in an effort to calm down. Her hands rested on her belly. She swallowed hard. Pulling all her strength together she faced the love of her life once more.
"I can't live like that. I'm sorry, Harm, but I can't. I - I have to ask you a question, Harm. Will you - will you ever marry me? Will you marry me now?"
Harm looked away, feeling uncomfortable. "Why do we have to talk about that right now? I just came back and I've hoped ... We talk about that later. Okay?"
Mac took a step back. She fought against the tears welling up in her eyes.
"I guess, that's a no," she whispered.
Harm laughed uneasily. "A no. What sort of a no? Mac, are you proposing to me or what?"
"And if I do? We live in a modern world. Why shouldn't a woman propose to the man she's in love with?"
"I - uh - can't ... can't we talk about this tomorrow? I'm -"
Mac saw Harm stutter and squirm and she couldn't breathe because of the fist around her heart. She wanted to say the words, she wanted so desperately to tell him this single sentence: 'I'm pregnant, Harm, pregnant with your child' - but she didn't. Instead she picked up her purse and walked to the door.
"We'll see, Harm. Maybe."
"Mac. Mac, wait. Look, I'm sorry, but it just isn't fair to run me over like this."
She opened the door and hesitated a moment but she didn't look back.
"Life isn't fair. Haven't you learned that yet, Harm? Life is everything but fair."
And with that she walked once more out of his door. The pain closed around her like a dark cloud until she wasn't able to see anymore where she was walking because of the tears streaming down her face.
---
THE PRESENT
I rub my palms over my face and get up to look out of the window. 'To sort my feelings out'. Oh, it was such a hard job to do. After I had learned the real reason why Clay had walked around with that blonde - Bloomer - I also realized that part of my giving in to Harm had been jealousy. Jealousy because I felt rejected. And that part darkened the happiness I felt to be with Harm. I still loved Harm. Lord, I wanted him - needed him ... but - How could I be jealous if Clay was supposed to mean nothing to me. How could I love Harm with all my heart if I was at the same time worried about Clay - worried like that? I wasn't able to lie to myself anymore. What I felt for Clay wasn't just friendship. But it wasn't like the love I felt for Harm either. I wanted to talk with Harm - I wanted to clear our love of all doubts ... but we had never been good at talking to each other. Not that we had that much opportunity to do so. Chegwidden kept him busy; he was more out of town than in it. And as I realized slowly, it was partly because he wanted it. It was Bud who let it slip that Harm was asking the Admiral to give *him* the cases which needed to be investigated on a carrier or a far away base or anything like that. Bud told me it was because I had been through so much lately and I needed some rest to find back to myself. It could have been sweet but instead I remembered Harm's words spoken during our first night together. Sure, like every woman I wanted to be protected sometimes - but not like this! We had a hot argument about it and it solved nothing. To add to the tension I couldn't get rid of the feeling of doing something wrong. We were still in the same chain of command - and we were breaking the rules. I still struggled with our difficult situation when AJ married Meredith in a small but moving ceremony and they went on their honeymoon - leaving me in the position of the Acting JAG. And just in these two weeks I discovered how much I'd betrayed my CO by starting an affair with Harm and not telling anyone...
***
FLASHBACK
- Mac's apartment
'Pregnant. Dear Lord in heaven - I'm pregnant.' Mac stared in disbelief at the result of her pregnancy test. She had been late - very late, it *was* possible to forget those things over a lot of work - and immediately her first and unplanned night with Harm came back to her mind. She had waited some more - fiddling, nervous and sometimes nearly jumping out of her skin - until she gathered enough courage to buy a pregnancy test. And here it was. What should have been one of the happiest days in her life - and she just felt horrible.
Just two weeks had passed since her blow up with Harm because of his over- protectiveness ... and now this. What was he going to say? He had been so nervous at little AJ's fourth birthday not so long ago... What was he going to say?
Mac sat down on the toilet and buried her face in her hands. To top it all Harm was out of town - at least four more days. There was nobody she could talk to. She couldn't burden Harriet or Bud with that now - not with their baby coming soon - not with the problems it meant for their work. She didn't want to go to Sturgis. He wouldn't understand. She was all alone.
***
- Harm's apartment, four days later
"God, Mac - I've missed you so much," sighing Harm took her in a tight embrace. Mac closed her eyes and reveled for some heartbeats in his warmth, his smell. Then she freed herself and walked a few steps to bring some distance between them.
"I've missed you too," she said without looking at him. She had pondered her next move over and over again. She had planned every word she wanted to say - and now she couldn't find them.
Harm didn't seem to notice. He chatted away about his case while he prepared some food. Involuntarily she asked herself if he wanted to give her time or if he really didn't sense that something was wrong.
"What - Did you ever... You ever thought about what we're going to do now?" Mac blurted out in a sudden rush. Harm looked confused.
"What do you mean? What should we do?"
"Well - this situation. Me and you ... and being together. We're breaking the rules, Harm." Mac turned to look at him. "Where do we stand now, Harm?"
He smiled. "We're standing in my apartment - all alone - and have a wonderful evening waiting."
'All alone.' Mac cringed inwardly.
"Not that!" Mac was somewhat angry. Couldn't he understand? "I mean - us. There *is* an 'us' now, isn't it? What are we going to do?"
"I don't know. Guess, we're dating ... talking if you want to ... growing together." Harm put his knife away and came to her side. "What's wrong, Mac? Tell me what's wrong."
She took a deep breath. "Dating and talking - is that all you want? I ... I've told you I - I want ... kids. I want a family..."
He drew back and returned to the kitchen table. "Why rush things, Mac? We - we have plenty of time, haven't we. Hey, our baby deal isn't scheduled until next year."
Mac bit her lower lip. "What if I haven't got the time to wait until next year?" she whispered.
But Harm hadn't heard her. He was fighting against a sudden flash of panic, against an old memory welling up in his mind. 'No. No, not now. Go away, Diane. Leave me alone.' He wasn't aware how distant his next words sounded. "I tell you what. We date, let's say about three months to half a year, and have enough time to figure things out in the meantime. We've reached this point; we'll go on when it's time."
His casual words hurt more than Mac was able to bear. She hugged herself in an effort to calm down. Her hands rested on her belly. She swallowed hard. Pulling all her strength together she faced the love of her life once more.
"I can't live like that. I'm sorry, Harm, but I can't. I - I have to ask you a question, Harm. Will you - will you ever marry me? Will you marry me now?"
Harm looked away, feeling uncomfortable. "Why do we have to talk about that right now? I just came back and I've hoped ... We talk about that later. Okay?"
Mac took a step back. She fought against the tears welling up in her eyes.
"I guess, that's a no," she whispered.
Harm laughed uneasily. "A no. What sort of a no? Mac, are you proposing to me or what?"
"And if I do? We live in a modern world. Why shouldn't a woman propose to the man she's in love with?"
"I - uh - can't ... can't we talk about this tomorrow? I'm -"
Mac saw Harm stutter and squirm and she couldn't breathe because of the fist around her heart. She wanted to say the words, she wanted so desperately to tell him this single sentence: 'I'm pregnant, Harm, pregnant with your child' - but she didn't. Instead she picked up her purse and walked to the door.
"We'll see, Harm. Maybe."
"Mac. Mac, wait. Look, I'm sorry, but it just isn't fair to run me over like this."
She opened the door and hesitated a moment but she didn't look back.
"Life isn't fair. Haven't you learned that yet, Harm? Life is everything but fair."
And with that she walked once more out of his door. The pain closed around her like a dark cloud until she wasn't able to see anymore where she was walking because of the tears streaming down her face.
