Disclaimer: JAG belongs to DPB, Paramount, CBS et al. This is for fun, no
copyright infringement is intended.
---
THE PRESENT
I turn. Was that -? Opening the door I listen for a few heartbeats. No. I walk back to Annabelle's bed and sit down beside her. The memory is overwhelming. Clayton spent the night on the couch. And when I woke up in the middle of the night for my usual visit to the bathroom - being pregnant can be sometimes *very* annoying - the sound of his soft snoring brought once more tears to my eyes. It reminded me so much of Paraguay. I did then what I had missed to do there properly: I watched him sleeping. My heart was aching. Part of me wanted to wake him up and tell him 'no and no' but ... it would have been a lie. I knew it would have been a lie. I had tried hard to sort my feelings out but Harm was still on my mind. I couldn't help it. And so Clayton left the next morning without an answer. He didn't complain. Like he had never done since this ... thing between us had started. He promised to visit Gunny for both of us. I felt bad to stay away but the main reason was that I didn't want to travel so far in my current state. Flying had never been my favorite and being pregnant didn't help. And - of course - I was afraid of meeting my friends. Seven months I had managed to keep my secret ... surprisingly enough. Well, two weeks later my luck ended abruptly. A case one of the other Pensacola lawyers had handled was rather tricky and unique. He was ordered to Washington for a full report. Well, I hadn't had the chance to ask him to treat my pregnancy as a secret ... and he blew my cover. I just came out of a meeting with my CO when a phone call came in ... and I was caught off guard by Harm's voice...
***
FLASHBACK
- Mac's office, Pensacola
"Mac!"
Mac stared in shocked disbelief at the receiver she'd just picked up. Harm. Harm's voice. Her stomach tightened. He had never phoned over the past months. He had never written a letter. She had been glad about it ... and strangely disappointed at the same time. His call now could only mean one thing: He knew.
"Mac? Hello? Mac, you're there?"
His repeated shouts of her name brought her back to reality. Hesitantly she lifted the receiver to her ear.
"Harm? Harm, why are you calling?"
There was a heavy silence at the other end of the line.
"Why didn't you tell me?"
Mac closed her eyes. She had feared this question ever since she left Washington. How to tell somebody why you kept the fact that you were expecting his child a secret? Why you had stolen an important time in his life forever?
"What'd have changed if I had told you?" she asked finally.
"How can you ask such a question? Everything would have changed!"
"Really?"
"Of course it'd have! A kid, Mac! Our child! You know it'd have changed everything!"
"A child would have changed everything," Mac repeated slowly, "A place doesn't change who we are - what we are - but a child does?"
"Mac, what do you mean?"
"I've asked you to marry me."
"I didn't know you are expecting! But *you* have known. A single word - all that was necessary was a single word! Well, maybe two. But you decided to keep it a secret! How should I have known?"
"Maybe the problem *was* that this single word was necessary." Mac felt the sting of tears in her throat. "Maybe I wanted you to marry *me* and not to marry me *because of* the child."
There was once more a confused silence.
"You had no right to keep it a secret," Harm said finally. And his words hurt more than Mac was able to bear. The pain melted into anger.
"No right? *You* are telling me about having *no right*? How dare you, Harmon Rabb? Of all people in this world HOW DARE *YOU* TO SPEAK TO ME LIKE THAT? We've danced around each other for years, Harm. *You* have danced around me for years! Tell me: Who was the last person to know you intended to go flying Tomcats again? I was! And tell me: Who practically begged you to say something - anything about us in Australia? *I* threw my wedding overboard for you because *you* had to go flying the day before it! And now tell me: Who told me to come to him after that and then wasn't there for me? - *NO*, Harmon Rabb junior, you have no right to talk to me like that!"
"I was there for you in Paraguay. I was there for you afterwards. And I want to be there for you and the child now."
"And do what, Harm? Playing family? I can't pretend, Harm. I think I *still* love you but I can't pretend. And it wouldn't be fair to our child to pretend. Don't get me wrong. What we had after Paraguay was - wonderful. But *even at that time* you were not able to trust me. You locked me out, Harm. Out of our work and out of your soul."
"Mac..."
"Leave me alone, Harm," Mac was suddenly very tired, "If you can't understand what I'm saying - if you can't understand me ... leave me alone."
"Mac!"
"Think about it, Harm. *Really* think about it. But stay away from me. It's the least thing you can do. Stay away."
"Mac!" But she slammed the receiver down.
Afterwards she just sat there for hours, staring into space. She wasn't crying. Those tears had been cried out a long time ago.
It had never been meant to be like that. So bitter. She had never meant to keep her pregnancy a secret for so long. She had never meant to push Harm away. She had never ... She didn't know any longer what she had meant. But she knew one thing: How it was to live and grow up in a family where two people pretended too long that everything was fine, that every problem could be solved somehow. And she knew how it was when finally everything shattered to pieces. Harm lacked this experience. In his universe the priority was to have a family of father-mother-child. She, on the contrary, knew it wasn't enough. The *heart* of the family had to be intact. The understanding in the family. She had told the truth: She really thought to be still in love with him. Sometimes she needed him so badly she couldn't breathe - But right know being with him could only end in a catastrophe. And that she would never do to her child ... or to Harm.
She placed both hands on her belly. Seeking strength in the contact. But she failed.
---
THE PRESENT
I turn. Was that -? Opening the door I listen for a few heartbeats. No. I walk back to Annabelle's bed and sit down beside her. The memory is overwhelming. Clayton spent the night on the couch. And when I woke up in the middle of the night for my usual visit to the bathroom - being pregnant can be sometimes *very* annoying - the sound of his soft snoring brought once more tears to my eyes. It reminded me so much of Paraguay. I did then what I had missed to do there properly: I watched him sleeping. My heart was aching. Part of me wanted to wake him up and tell him 'no and no' but ... it would have been a lie. I knew it would have been a lie. I had tried hard to sort my feelings out but Harm was still on my mind. I couldn't help it. And so Clayton left the next morning without an answer. He didn't complain. Like he had never done since this ... thing between us had started. He promised to visit Gunny for both of us. I felt bad to stay away but the main reason was that I didn't want to travel so far in my current state. Flying had never been my favorite and being pregnant didn't help. And - of course - I was afraid of meeting my friends. Seven months I had managed to keep my secret ... surprisingly enough. Well, two weeks later my luck ended abruptly. A case one of the other Pensacola lawyers had handled was rather tricky and unique. He was ordered to Washington for a full report. Well, I hadn't had the chance to ask him to treat my pregnancy as a secret ... and he blew my cover. I just came out of a meeting with my CO when a phone call came in ... and I was caught off guard by Harm's voice...
***
FLASHBACK
- Mac's office, Pensacola
"Mac!"
Mac stared in shocked disbelief at the receiver she'd just picked up. Harm. Harm's voice. Her stomach tightened. He had never phoned over the past months. He had never written a letter. She had been glad about it ... and strangely disappointed at the same time. His call now could only mean one thing: He knew.
"Mac? Hello? Mac, you're there?"
His repeated shouts of her name brought her back to reality. Hesitantly she lifted the receiver to her ear.
"Harm? Harm, why are you calling?"
There was a heavy silence at the other end of the line.
"Why didn't you tell me?"
Mac closed her eyes. She had feared this question ever since she left Washington. How to tell somebody why you kept the fact that you were expecting his child a secret? Why you had stolen an important time in his life forever?
"What'd have changed if I had told you?" she asked finally.
"How can you ask such a question? Everything would have changed!"
"Really?"
"Of course it'd have! A kid, Mac! Our child! You know it'd have changed everything!"
"A child would have changed everything," Mac repeated slowly, "A place doesn't change who we are - what we are - but a child does?"
"Mac, what do you mean?"
"I've asked you to marry me."
"I didn't know you are expecting! But *you* have known. A single word - all that was necessary was a single word! Well, maybe two. But you decided to keep it a secret! How should I have known?"
"Maybe the problem *was* that this single word was necessary." Mac felt the sting of tears in her throat. "Maybe I wanted you to marry *me* and not to marry me *because of* the child."
There was once more a confused silence.
"You had no right to keep it a secret," Harm said finally. And his words hurt more than Mac was able to bear. The pain melted into anger.
"No right? *You* are telling me about having *no right*? How dare you, Harmon Rabb? Of all people in this world HOW DARE *YOU* TO SPEAK TO ME LIKE THAT? We've danced around each other for years, Harm. *You* have danced around me for years! Tell me: Who was the last person to know you intended to go flying Tomcats again? I was! And tell me: Who practically begged you to say something - anything about us in Australia? *I* threw my wedding overboard for you because *you* had to go flying the day before it! And now tell me: Who told me to come to him after that and then wasn't there for me? - *NO*, Harmon Rabb junior, you have no right to talk to me like that!"
"I was there for you in Paraguay. I was there for you afterwards. And I want to be there for you and the child now."
"And do what, Harm? Playing family? I can't pretend, Harm. I think I *still* love you but I can't pretend. And it wouldn't be fair to our child to pretend. Don't get me wrong. What we had after Paraguay was - wonderful. But *even at that time* you were not able to trust me. You locked me out, Harm. Out of our work and out of your soul."
"Mac..."
"Leave me alone, Harm," Mac was suddenly very tired, "If you can't understand what I'm saying - if you can't understand me ... leave me alone."
"Mac!"
"Think about it, Harm. *Really* think about it. But stay away from me. It's the least thing you can do. Stay away."
"Mac!" But she slammed the receiver down.
Afterwards she just sat there for hours, staring into space. She wasn't crying. Those tears had been cried out a long time ago.
It had never been meant to be like that. So bitter. She had never meant to keep her pregnancy a secret for so long. She had never meant to push Harm away. She had never ... She didn't know any longer what she had meant. But she knew one thing: How it was to live and grow up in a family where two people pretended too long that everything was fine, that every problem could be solved somehow. And she knew how it was when finally everything shattered to pieces. Harm lacked this experience. In his universe the priority was to have a family of father-mother-child. She, on the contrary, knew it wasn't enough. The *heart* of the family had to be intact. The understanding in the family. She had told the truth: She really thought to be still in love with him. Sometimes she needed him so badly she couldn't breathe - But right know being with him could only end in a catastrophe. And that she would never do to her child ... or to Harm.
She placed both hands on her belly. Seeking strength in the contact. But she failed.
