Disclaimer: JAG belongs to DPB, Paramount, CBS et al. This is for fun, no
copyright infringement is intended.
---
THE PRESENT
That day ... the day of Ann's birth ... it was the happiest day in my life. It was horrible - at least some parts of it - but it was the truly happiest day in my whole life. When I look at Annabelle as I do now, I still remember the first time I held her in my arms, the first time I touched her. I remember Clay's tears when I named her after his mother with her middle name. Clay had to leave with the first flight the next morning. He didn't press the subject of homecoming and I was grateful for it. I wasn't ready to return. Well, all right - I was too cowardly. I didn't know what to do, how to act ... so I did nothing. I kept telling myself that I deserved to enjoy the first days with my daughter - and that everything else had to wait. I tried to rearrange my life after I came out of hospital. That's not easy with a newborn baby. Plus I had to deal with the visits of my colleagues. I have to say ... I was a little bit ... disappointed that no one of JAG headquarters showed up immediately. That Harm didn't show up. I had talked to Harriet on the phone and she nearly jumped through the line in her enthusiasm ... it hurt a little that nobody showed up. I should have known better. But I had never expected *this* visitor to knock on my door...
***
FLASHBACK
- Mac's apartment, Pensacola
"Admiral!" Mac realized she was staring with her mouth open and shut it abruptly. She opened the door wider. "Please come in."
"Mac," Chegwidden maneuvered his bouquet of flowers, a bag and a huge teddy bear through the door and looked her up and down. "Well, Colonel, to be a mother suits you. You're looking good."
Mac blushed and fortunately Annabelle chose this moment to squeal. Chegwidden handed her resolutely the flowers and the bag with a short comment about 'presents' and walked over to the crib.
"And this has to be Miss Annabelle Porter Mackenzie." He reached in and picked her up. Annabelle stared at him with big eyes. Then the buttons of his uniform caught her attention and she made a first try to touch them with her fist. Chegwidden tickled her under the chin until she moved her lips in an attempt to smile. When he showed her the bear her eyes grew even bigger.
Mac finally shut the door and grinned at the sight of the former seal, playing so delighted with a baby. She put the flowers in a vase and the bag on the table and started pulling things out.
"How is everybody at JAG?"
"Just fine, Colonel, just fine. I had to impose a total ban on leave or the office would have been empty by now. Look at the presents."
First came a little dress in khaki with the writing *I'm a Marine - so watch it!* from Bud and Harriet. Mac giggled. A set of plastic animals also to use as building blocks - washable and suitable for little babies - was Sturgis' present. Coates had sent a moon to hang up that played a melody after pulling a cord and Tiner a matching bed lamp in the form of a star. The next thing she pulled out of the bag was an envelope with a funny congratulation card - a grinning baby, bouncing up and down on its diaper yelling: 'Here I am! Here I am!' - signed by almost the whole staff.
"The staff is collecting for little Ann here, so you can buy something nice," added Chegwidden without turning around, "Talk to Harriet. And by the way, the bear is from Meredith and me."
Mac didn't answer. She held the last envelope of the bag in her hands. A simple 'Sarah' was written across the front ... and she immediately noticed Harm's handwriting. Her fingers trembled slightly as she opened it and unfolded the note. She read it once, wiped her eyes to clear her sight and then read it again.
'Dear Sarah,
I'm so glad to hear you and the baby are fine. And I'm so sorry I wasn't there to share this moment with you. I've thought a lot lately, like you wanted me to do. I've thought about everything we've said or done - and about the things we haven't said or done. Please, Mac, I want to talk to you. I know I should have taken action earlier but I don't want to press you again. We can work this out if we try. But we have to talk. Just tell me when and where.
Harm'
Mac carefully laid the paper on the table and sat down on the next chair. She buried her face in her hands. This was it, wasn't it? This was what she had been waiting for. Harm made the first move - and without pressing her. Harm ... she pictured his face, his eyes, his slender fingers. She remembered working together, laughing together, being together. But at the same time she saw Clay giving her a broad grin while Annabelle was moving under his hand, saw him carefully offering support but being always ready to back off if she wanted him to ... saw the pain in his eyes after he had kissed her in his house. Mac groaned and slapped the table with her fist. Why - WHY had life to be so DIFFICULT?
"I've heard a lot about your good work lately." Chegwidden's voice interrupted her thoughts. She looked up and watched him walking in circles a happily kicking Annabelle in his arms. "I've also been told that your talents are wasted down here."
Mac swallowed. "Thank you, Sir."
Chegwidden held her gaze. "Webb mentioned you're sometimes missing D.C."
Mac narrowed her eyes and got up. "He's talking about me behind my back?!"
Chegwidden's gaze turned into his old iron glare. "No, Colonel, *I* was talking behind your back after the meeting with the SecNav - which was, by the way, scheduled a day earlier but had been canceled rather short term because the man who should provide the necessary information was suddenly on his way to Pensacola. *Webb* played gentleman and said you're a grown up woman and fully capable of taking your own decisions."
Mac blushed and looked away. Chegwidden rocked the wailing Ann. "Concerning the last point I have my doubts," he added dryly.
Blushing even more Mac walked to the window and looked out. She hugged herself.
"What ... what else did he say?" she asked hesitantly.
Chegwidden sighed. "Not much more. But it wasn't necessary. Webb is not easy to see through sometimes but over the years I have learnt to read between the lines."
Mac smiled sadly. Yes, there had been a time when Webb hadn't been easy to see through at all - when he had hidden his feelings so well she'd never suspected anything.
"This is so difficult," she said after a while, "This is all so difficult."
"Mac..." Chegwidden's voice had lost his coldness, "Let me tell you something. After my divorce from Marcella I wasted a lot of time thinking about what would have happened if we had both tried a little harder ... if there had been anything we could have made different. Sometimes it's hard to move on ... but there isn't a choice. Nobody can live in the past. There's no use in IF or MAYBE. A decision *has to* be a decision. And if you have to take one ... do it with your whole heart. It took me a long and hard time to learn this lesson. Don't make the same mistake now."
He hesitated visibly as if he wanted to add something but thought better of it. Instead he laid Annabelle gently back in her bed and took his hat. At the door he turned around and looked at her. His face revealed nothing.
"I need an assistant to the SecNav in Washington - or a judge. Think about this too. But don't take too long."
Mac pressed her hands together and shut her eyes as the door closed behind him. He was right. Webb was right. And Harm was right. There was a decision to take ... and in the end it was hers. Only hers.
***
THE PRESENT
As usual AJ looked deeper and understood more than I had thought to be possible. His offer of two different jobs was more than I deserved. Assistant to the SecNav - and being able to be with Harm without breaking the rules. Or to choose Clay ... and work either for the SecNav to avoid Harm or take the position of a judge - and face Harm under these circumstances. Anyway I had to decide soon. And so I boarded a train to Washington D.C. not yet two weeks after having given birth to my daughter. I bend forward and touch Ann's back with my fingertips. The heat of her body is calming me down, softening the discomfort the memory is bringing back. I had written Harm an e-mail and - after a hard fight with myself - placed a phone call to Clayton. The same reason that was holding me back from taking a plane made me accepting his offer to stay at his house. Traveling with a newborn baby hadn't been an easy decision and I couldn't do it to my daughter to stay at a hotel. Clay had sent his limousine to meet me at the station and it was Harrison who welcomed me in his house. Harrison showed me the rooms he had prepared, handed me the keys for a car and told me in a dry voice that Clay was working late - no doubt with the intention of giving me the opportunity to see Harm first ... and to protect himself against the pain. Once more he was willing to let me go. It made me feel bad and the tension, which had increased steadily throughout the journey, was tightening my stomach. After a little freshening up I followed the well-known route to Harm's apartment. It was a strange feeling to drive through the streets of Washington again, to see and remember and try to understand. I was shaking as I parked the car and I had to steady myself with some deep breaths until I was calm enough to unbuckle Annabelle's seat and climb up the stairs to Harm's door...
---
THE PRESENT
That day ... the day of Ann's birth ... it was the happiest day in my life. It was horrible - at least some parts of it - but it was the truly happiest day in my whole life. When I look at Annabelle as I do now, I still remember the first time I held her in my arms, the first time I touched her. I remember Clay's tears when I named her after his mother with her middle name. Clay had to leave with the first flight the next morning. He didn't press the subject of homecoming and I was grateful for it. I wasn't ready to return. Well, all right - I was too cowardly. I didn't know what to do, how to act ... so I did nothing. I kept telling myself that I deserved to enjoy the first days with my daughter - and that everything else had to wait. I tried to rearrange my life after I came out of hospital. That's not easy with a newborn baby. Plus I had to deal with the visits of my colleagues. I have to say ... I was a little bit ... disappointed that no one of JAG headquarters showed up immediately. That Harm didn't show up. I had talked to Harriet on the phone and she nearly jumped through the line in her enthusiasm ... it hurt a little that nobody showed up. I should have known better. But I had never expected *this* visitor to knock on my door...
***
FLASHBACK
- Mac's apartment, Pensacola
"Admiral!" Mac realized she was staring with her mouth open and shut it abruptly. She opened the door wider. "Please come in."
"Mac," Chegwidden maneuvered his bouquet of flowers, a bag and a huge teddy bear through the door and looked her up and down. "Well, Colonel, to be a mother suits you. You're looking good."
Mac blushed and fortunately Annabelle chose this moment to squeal. Chegwidden handed her resolutely the flowers and the bag with a short comment about 'presents' and walked over to the crib.
"And this has to be Miss Annabelle Porter Mackenzie." He reached in and picked her up. Annabelle stared at him with big eyes. Then the buttons of his uniform caught her attention and she made a first try to touch them with her fist. Chegwidden tickled her under the chin until she moved her lips in an attempt to smile. When he showed her the bear her eyes grew even bigger.
Mac finally shut the door and grinned at the sight of the former seal, playing so delighted with a baby. She put the flowers in a vase and the bag on the table and started pulling things out.
"How is everybody at JAG?"
"Just fine, Colonel, just fine. I had to impose a total ban on leave or the office would have been empty by now. Look at the presents."
First came a little dress in khaki with the writing *I'm a Marine - so watch it!* from Bud and Harriet. Mac giggled. A set of plastic animals also to use as building blocks - washable and suitable for little babies - was Sturgis' present. Coates had sent a moon to hang up that played a melody after pulling a cord and Tiner a matching bed lamp in the form of a star. The next thing she pulled out of the bag was an envelope with a funny congratulation card - a grinning baby, bouncing up and down on its diaper yelling: 'Here I am! Here I am!' - signed by almost the whole staff.
"The staff is collecting for little Ann here, so you can buy something nice," added Chegwidden without turning around, "Talk to Harriet. And by the way, the bear is from Meredith and me."
Mac didn't answer. She held the last envelope of the bag in her hands. A simple 'Sarah' was written across the front ... and she immediately noticed Harm's handwriting. Her fingers trembled slightly as she opened it and unfolded the note. She read it once, wiped her eyes to clear her sight and then read it again.
'Dear Sarah,
I'm so glad to hear you and the baby are fine. And I'm so sorry I wasn't there to share this moment with you. I've thought a lot lately, like you wanted me to do. I've thought about everything we've said or done - and about the things we haven't said or done. Please, Mac, I want to talk to you. I know I should have taken action earlier but I don't want to press you again. We can work this out if we try. But we have to talk. Just tell me when and where.
Harm'
Mac carefully laid the paper on the table and sat down on the next chair. She buried her face in her hands. This was it, wasn't it? This was what she had been waiting for. Harm made the first move - and without pressing her. Harm ... she pictured his face, his eyes, his slender fingers. She remembered working together, laughing together, being together. But at the same time she saw Clay giving her a broad grin while Annabelle was moving under his hand, saw him carefully offering support but being always ready to back off if she wanted him to ... saw the pain in his eyes after he had kissed her in his house. Mac groaned and slapped the table with her fist. Why - WHY had life to be so DIFFICULT?
"I've heard a lot about your good work lately." Chegwidden's voice interrupted her thoughts. She looked up and watched him walking in circles a happily kicking Annabelle in his arms. "I've also been told that your talents are wasted down here."
Mac swallowed. "Thank you, Sir."
Chegwidden held her gaze. "Webb mentioned you're sometimes missing D.C."
Mac narrowed her eyes and got up. "He's talking about me behind my back?!"
Chegwidden's gaze turned into his old iron glare. "No, Colonel, *I* was talking behind your back after the meeting with the SecNav - which was, by the way, scheduled a day earlier but had been canceled rather short term because the man who should provide the necessary information was suddenly on his way to Pensacola. *Webb* played gentleman and said you're a grown up woman and fully capable of taking your own decisions."
Mac blushed and looked away. Chegwidden rocked the wailing Ann. "Concerning the last point I have my doubts," he added dryly.
Blushing even more Mac walked to the window and looked out. She hugged herself.
"What ... what else did he say?" she asked hesitantly.
Chegwidden sighed. "Not much more. But it wasn't necessary. Webb is not easy to see through sometimes but over the years I have learnt to read between the lines."
Mac smiled sadly. Yes, there had been a time when Webb hadn't been easy to see through at all - when he had hidden his feelings so well she'd never suspected anything.
"This is so difficult," she said after a while, "This is all so difficult."
"Mac..." Chegwidden's voice had lost his coldness, "Let me tell you something. After my divorce from Marcella I wasted a lot of time thinking about what would have happened if we had both tried a little harder ... if there had been anything we could have made different. Sometimes it's hard to move on ... but there isn't a choice. Nobody can live in the past. There's no use in IF or MAYBE. A decision *has to* be a decision. And if you have to take one ... do it with your whole heart. It took me a long and hard time to learn this lesson. Don't make the same mistake now."
He hesitated visibly as if he wanted to add something but thought better of it. Instead he laid Annabelle gently back in her bed and took his hat. At the door he turned around and looked at her. His face revealed nothing.
"I need an assistant to the SecNav in Washington - or a judge. Think about this too. But don't take too long."
Mac pressed her hands together and shut her eyes as the door closed behind him. He was right. Webb was right. And Harm was right. There was a decision to take ... and in the end it was hers. Only hers.
***
THE PRESENT
As usual AJ looked deeper and understood more than I had thought to be possible. His offer of two different jobs was more than I deserved. Assistant to the SecNav - and being able to be with Harm without breaking the rules. Or to choose Clay ... and work either for the SecNav to avoid Harm or take the position of a judge - and face Harm under these circumstances. Anyway I had to decide soon. And so I boarded a train to Washington D.C. not yet two weeks after having given birth to my daughter. I bend forward and touch Ann's back with my fingertips. The heat of her body is calming me down, softening the discomfort the memory is bringing back. I had written Harm an e-mail and - after a hard fight with myself - placed a phone call to Clayton. The same reason that was holding me back from taking a plane made me accepting his offer to stay at his house. Traveling with a newborn baby hadn't been an easy decision and I couldn't do it to my daughter to stay at a hotel. Clay had sent his limousine to meet me at the station and it was Harrison who welcomed me in his house. Harrison showed me the rooms he had prepared, handed me the keys for a car and told me in a dry voice that Clay was working late - no doubt with the intention of giving me the opportunity to see Harm first ... and to protect himself against the pain. Once more he was willing to let me go. It made me feel bad and the tension, which had increased steadily throughout the journey, was tightening my stomach. After a little freshening up I followed the well-known route to Harm's apartment. It was a strange feeling to drive through the streets of Washington again, to see and remember and try to understand. I was shaking as I parked the car and I had to steady myself with some deep breaths until I was calm enough to unbuckle Annabelle's seat and climb up the stairs to Harm's door...
