Never Fall In Love With A Werewolf
Chapter Nine - Ocean Eyes
The Weasleys had always been a source of solace and counsel for the Order of The Phoenix. Tonks herself sought out advice days ago, and now it was Remus's turn.
Tonks was upstairs, sinking into a stifling hot bath, using means of large bubbles and musty scents from the bubble bath solution to pacify her. Remus presumed she'd be up there for a few hours so he used the opportunity to seek advice from Arthur or Molly. Not wanting to leave Tonks in the house alone, he decided to leave his body in London, and transport his head to Ottery St. Catchpole.
He reached up to the mantelpiece above the fireplace to where the terracotta pot of Floo Powder stood. He nudged the picture of Sirius as he did this. He felt a pang of colossal desolation as he looked into Sirius's laughing eyes. He wanted nothing more then to just talk with him again. It was never going to be as simple as throwing in a fistful of coruscate powder into a dank fireplace and shouting the desired destination. He'd have to die before he saw Sirius again. Before he saw James and Lily.
He diverted his grief to Tonks once again, as he had done on so many occasions after Sirius's death. She was now immersing herself in water, washing the filth of those Muggle youths of her porcelain skin. Cleansing herself of they memories so fresh and malicious in her mind. But he had to talk to someone, he was going crazy. Never keep your feelings bottled up.
"The Burrow." He finally muttered, scrunching his eyes up in the effort to stop thinking all together. Remus bent down, and thrust his head into the fireplace.
He saw the table legs of the pine kitchen table, and a pair of legs sitting crossed legged at the table, a pair of scruffy white sandals hanging limply from the small feet. The legs uncrossed, and walked over to the fire. Remus looked upwards and saw Ginny Weasley in pair of indigo culottes, and a baggy yellow tee-shirt emblazoned with a logo Remus couldn't make out from where his head was.
"Hi!" Ginny said, smiling, a few strands of red hair loosened themselves from Ginny's ponytail and wafted across her freckled face. "D'you want mum or dad, or both?"
"Hi Ginny. I'd like to see your father, if he is around." Remus asked, he had an itch on his nose.
"I think he's just come in - covering for Tonks or something…" Ginny muttered, she slouched off to find her father. "DAD! DAD! REMUS LUPIN IS IN THE FIRE!" Remus started to wiggle his nose frantically trying in vain to stop it from itching. After what seemed like forever (his knees were starting to ache) Arthur came rushing in, his red eyebrows raised in suspicion.
"Hello Remus!" Arthur exclaimed, smiling to himself. He drew up a chair and sat down in front of Remus's head.
"Arthur, I need to talk." He whispered, he certainly didn't want to be overheard.
"Talk? What about?"
"Tonks." He muttered, he was now barely audible, Arthur had to bend down to try and hear him.
"Oh. I see. I'm guessing she came tonight."
"Sorry?"
"Oh - nothing. Well… Actually Tonks came here for a talk with Molly. Seems like she took the advice! So what's the problem?"
"Well, I'll give you a quick version - Tonks told me she, she loved me. And I well, felt the same way, but I cant have a relationship with her… Due to me being a werewolf… I tried to explain this to her, but she stormed out. This is truly awful Arthur…" Remus shook his head gravely and looked away from Arthur's intent gaze. Remus didn't know how to go about explaining to Arthur what had happened, but he knew he had to say something. It would have been much easier if it was Sirius he was talking to. "Out on the square outside the house, a gang on Muggle youths, attacked her. They tried to rape her. Goodness knows what would've happened if I didn't arrive there on time…"
"Oh my…" Arthur gasped. His blue eyes trailed off and focused on his own fireplace. "Is she alright? Was this just now?"
"I don't know what to do Arthur. I feel so guilty in rejecting her… None of this would've happened if I just decided not to worry about being a werewolf for once, and actually acted humane! She's upstairs in the bath now. What do I do Arthur?"
"To be truthful Remus, I don't know." Arthur sighed heavily, and looked down at Remus again. "I really don't." He bit his lip, and looked thoughtfully around the room. "Talk to her. Listen to her. Let her talk to you. Let her listen to you. But only once she's ready." Remus nodded his head. The Weasleys had the greatest essences of all four Hogwarts houses; Determination, bravery, wit, wisdom, fairness and loyalty. They'd never turn away a beggar (unless it was a bankrupt Malfoy). Maybe this combination made the Weasleys such a source of inspiration the Order sought in these gruelling times. Remus could do nothing but listen to Arthur's advice and act upon it.
"Thank you Arthur. I'd best be off now. I think my legs will give way." Remus laughed.
"Well, goodbye, I hope I could help."
"Oh you have… You have. Do you mind not mentioning this to Molly, she'll only worry."
"My lips are sealed." Arthur smiled, he waved goodbye to Remus. Thankfully, Remus pulled his itching head out of the fireplace and materialised back to London.
Scratching his nose with relish, he collapsed on to his moth-eaten chair sighing with ostensible relief. The silence was unbearable. Remus could hear nothing but the drip-drop of the tap, and the tick-tock of the clock. He wanted Tonks by his side now, he wanted to comfort her, talk to her… Do as Arthur said. He felt his eyes drooping slightly… Must stay awake for Tonks… They were closing, and he felt the veil of sleep swathe him in all its warmth and goodness like a mother embracing her newborn…
"Remus!" Tonks hissed, shaking Remus awake. "Wake up!" He opened one groggy eye and shut it again.
"I was having a nice dream… Haven't had a nice dream in months." Remus sank deeper into the chair, hoping Tonks would let him get at least five more minutes of sleep.
"Get up you lazy arse! It's nine in the morning!" Remus felt a soft slap on his left cheek, but he still didn't open his eyes.
"I was a teacher at Hogwarts again, except Hogwarts wasn't a castle, it was a big bouncy castle instead, and we couldn't really cast any spells because it would puncture the castle. An utterly random dream, but it was better then the others."
"That's nice…" Tonks muttered in an offhand manner. "I've made some bacon if you want some Remus." She said, this time more defiantly. Remus opened his eyes and saw that Tonks standing over the stove, wearing a green dressing gown that belonged to Remus. She had to fold back the sleeves as they were to big for her, and would've almost met her knees.
"You're wearing my dressing gown." Remus laughed, pushing himself out of his chair. His back, neck and shoulders were aching from the position they had been stuck in for the past few hours.
"I know. Only thing I could find. Don't mind do you?" Tonks turned around, and smiled at Remus.
"Oh no, of course not Tonks. As long as you're staying here, what's mine is yours. Well apart from the boxers, I'm sure you don't fancy wearing them." Tonks laughed, she nearly dropped the frying in giggles.
"No I don't fancy wearing your boxed. They'd be to big for me anyway!"
"You think so eh?" Remus chuckled, feeling his cheeks turn slightly pink. She nodded, and started to serve the bacon onto a plate. Her smile had vanished from her face, and she looked awfully downhearted, which was utterly understandable given last night's disastrous events. Tonks placed the plate on the table with two forks and sat down at the end of the table nearest the basement window.
Remus picked up a fork and stabbed a piece of bacon with it. But he didn't eat it. "Are you all right Tonks?" Tonks, pretended not to hear him, and carried on eating her slice of bacon.
"Going to work today?" She asked conversationally, completely ignoring Remus's question.
"No, I'm still on leave. You're not thinking of going in are you?"
"Why? Has something happened that I should know about?" Remus dropped his fork and bacon. Tonks appeared to be pretending nothing had happened last night…
"How can you talk like this?"
"Talk like what? Is my tongue hanging out or something? Do I have food in my mouth?"
"Tonks. You know very well what I'm on about!" Remus said rather harshly. His harsh tone made Tonks look at Remus properly, she could see straight into his amber-blue eyes.
"I just don't want to talk about it, all right?"
"No, it's not all right Tonks. You've always told me never to bottle up my feelings!"
"How would you know how I feel eh Remus?" Tonks hissed, his eyes narrowing.
"Oh, and I've never been forced upon in my entire life have I?" Remus shouted sarcastically. He didn't normally loose his temper, but hypocrites quite often got on his nerves, and right at this moment Tonks was being hypocritical.
"Yes… Of course you have… Sorry. I just didn't think." Tonks muttered, not looking Remus in the eye.
"Tonks. I just want to help you feel better, if anything…"
"I know you do… I know you do…" She let a pearly tear fall onto the green dressing gown. "It's just so hard… I've never felt so helpless. I was so frightened I couldn't move. I'm an Auror, we've been trained how to deal with that kind of thing, and I couldn't get them away from me… I'm hopeless."
"No you're not hopeless, not at all. Years ago when Voldemort was raging menace throughout Britain, many Death Eaters raped women in the Order. They'd been to hell and back, they couldn't hold off the Death Eaters - who could? If they reached for their wands, they'd be killed. You're not hopeless. Not at all. You didn't get raped, you called me remember? Say you were so scared you couldn't even utter a single word? But that wouldn't make you hopeless anyway. Oh Tonks, you're one of the bravest women I know. One of the most amazing women I know… Never call yourself hopeless." Tonks sniffed, she realised Remus was holding her hands very tightly over the table. She nodded, letting a few more tears fall elegantly onto the bacon.
"I love you Remus Lupin… You have no idea how much I do. It's welling up so tightly in my heart that I just want to explode… Its like the white of eggs being folded over in a mixing bowl, its curdling until it thickens… Oh god I love you… So much. I love you, body and soul. I will love you until I die. You're the most - the most remarkable person ever to walk the earth, you know that?" Remus felt a pricking sensation in his eyes. He threw his head back to try to restrain the tears from falling.
"Oh Tonks…" He sighed, swallowing hard against the lump that was rising in the depths of this throat. Remus closed his eyes and turned his head towards the fireplace - to the photo of Sirius. He opened his eyes and saw the photo surveying Remus and Tonks with interest, if he could only talk to Sirius. Sirius would know what to do… He always did.
"Remus?" Tonks averted his gaze from Sirius. He turned to look at her, his face sombre and saturated with thought and musings.
"Yes?" He gazed into her eyes, her ocean eyes. You could swim in her eyes, go under and explore her soul, her very being.
"Why can't you love me?" She let go of Remus's hands and plunged them into the pockets of the dressing gown.
"I do love you…" He whispered with much suppressed emotion, his voice was shaking like it did when Sirius fell into the archway. He started to fidget with the buttons on his robes, he wasn't quite sure about how he was going to tell Tonks that he did love her - but couldn't be with her…
"Tell me Remus. Tell me…" Tears of desperation were welling up in those oceanic eyes. "Please Remus… Don't put me through any more torture." Remus nodded. He picked up a glass of wine from the previous night and took a sip from it. He flinched at the taste, it was dire and stale, but it make him wide-eyed and alert. He was going to tell her. He was going to tell her everything and make her understand.
Author's Note - I am not kidding, I got tears in my eyes when I read your reviews… Really, I swear on Lily, James and Sirius's graves, I felt all warm and aglow when I read them! Please review again!
