Floor 13: Hero

Ext. Quick Stop and RST Video. Day

Yep, they're back! Jay and Silent Bob are stood in their usual places.

Jay: All I'm fucking saying is that Leia must have jumped on Luke's cue ball pal at least once.

Bob shakes his head in disgust.

Jay: Don't fucking look at me like that, ya ball catcher! You and I both know that that princess is a slut! She was trying to play Solo and Luke off of each other. Y'know, work out who's got the bigger schlong.

Randal, RST's reluctant clerk, walks past our duo on his way to Quick Stop. He stops to listen to Jay rant.

Randal: Look, why don't you guys go pedal your intoxicants else where before I tell the cops that Fred Durst and his Puddle of Mudd lead singer friend are stood outside my store offering to do a Monica Lewinsky on any ten year old who offers them a tootsie roll. Oh, and if you believe Luke busted a nut in Leia then you've more then explained how you ended up on this planet.

Randal goes off laughing.

Jay: (After Randal) Tootsie roll this, ya cock smokin' clerk!

He gives Randal the finger. Bob tugs on Jay's jacket, grabbing his attention and pointing at us.

Jay: The fuck? Youse lot are back. The fuck were you thinking? You all acting like this muthafucka is a Charles Dickwins or some such shit.( To Bob) Silent Bob, I'm a gonna have to get me into this writing shit. Fucking pieces of ass just lining up to play with the man's quill.

Once again, Silent Bob shakes his head in disgust and hands Jay a note.

Jay: What the fuck? He wants to dedicate another one of these chapters. Didn't he do that in the last one. Fuckin' ball bag merchant's pretending he's got friends and shit. I axe ya, what the fuck is the world coming to today? Okay, this, apparently, goes out to the RDSS and especially, Miss Kitty, who apparently enjoyed the last episode. (Smiles and looks at Bob again) Heh, you hear that Tons of Fun? Miss Kitty! Now does that not sound like a hookers name? The sonuvabitch has been holding out on us. The man knows how to get hookers. Come on Silent Bob! We're going to England.

Fade to black:

Title Card: We would like to assure people that Miss Kitty is not a Hooker. She works in a bank and has only been paid for sex once.... maybe twice. Tyler, meanwhile, goes under the assumption of if it has a back bone he'll do it.

Chapter 2: Fake Plastic Trees

"You're the only story that never been told

  You're my dirty little secret ,

  Wanna keep you so"

This is Love - PJ Harvey

Two hours later, after Rimmer had fallen asleep, Lister paid a visit to Ace, who was in his quarters, sat on his bed, smoking a cigarillo and reading.

"Didn't know you smoked." Lister smiled, lighting up himself and sitting at the table in the middle of the room,

"Only since I became Ace." Ace said, putting his book down, "All part of the image. Personally, I think they taste like a yak's scrotum."

Lister laughed, "And you would know?"

Ace made a flicking motion with his tongue. Lister laughed harder. When the laughter died down, they each sat in silence, unsure of what to say. Finally, Ace broke the silence.

"So, you and me, I mean, you and Rimmer are a couple?" he asked,

"Seems that way." Lister said staring intently at the burning tip of his cigarette,

"Well, I can't say it wasn't a shock. The nanobots recreating Red Dwarf and resurrecting the dead crew, fine. Meeting an alternative version of Kochanski who also appears to be gay, okey-dokey. Cat having a meaningful relationship, I'm just about getting there with that one. However, you and Rimmer? No."

"We were just as surprised as you are when it happened."

"When what happened? No, don't answer that."

Ace stood up and began to pace around the room.

"I mean, you Listy, are not the person they talk of around the dinner table when they mention being as bent as a nine bob note."

Lister smirked. Only the old Rimmer, his Rimmer, would make a reference to his sexuality with such an archaic phrase. Ace noticed his smile and stopped pacing.

"I'm sorry." He laughed, "I didn't mean to paint you as a screaming queen. It's just how do you get from where we were before I left to where you and him are now."

Lister put his feet up on the table and leaned back his chair, "What do you mean?"

"Well, for instance, you say this Rimmer acts exactly the same way I used to before the radiation leak. How could you fancy that? Not even females fancied that. Except that Scavenger woman."

"She had one eye, Rimmer."

"Exactly. Another point, how do I end up fancying you? No offence Listy, but Kryten has more chance with me then you do."

"I don't know, Rimmer. Maybe it was the situation... The need for comfort... All I know is that if Rimmer is taking precedence over Kochanski in my dreams then there's definitely something there."

"I suppose."

Ace turned away slightly from Lister. His friend had certainly changed. A lot. To be honest, he couldn't give a flying fat fuck if Lister was gay. Ace had known him long enough to stand by whatever decision he made, but he couldn't make sense of why Rimmer? Ace just couldn't trust him. Rimmer would never normally do this. What was in it for him? Ace didn't mean to be suspicious, but afterall, he was a Rimmer and who better to mistrust Rimmer.

"Well, I'm off to bed before he notices I'm gone." Lister said, "G'night."

"Goodnight, Listy."

"Good to have you back."

Lister put out his arms and Ace joined him in a hug. Lister found it strange that hugging Ace was a completely different experience from hugging Rimmer. What with them being more or less the same person. Suddenly, an evil grin crept across Lister's face. Whilst still hugging Ace, he planted a sly kiss on Ace's cheek.

"Hope you didn't mean that about Kryten over me." he said mock seductively,

Ace pulled back sharply. It was only till he saw Lister's chipmunk face broken in half by a mischievous grin that he knew he was being wound up.

"Just a joke." Lister said putting his arms up in surrender,

"Bugger off." Ace replied, "No pun intended."

Lister gave a look of faux-anger as Ace stifled a giggle, "G'night."

Lister turned and walked out of the room. If he hadn't been in such high spirits he may have noticed that the door that swooshed shut behind him when he entered the room was now ever so slightly open. In fact, he was in such a good mood, that, in the dark of his and Rimmer's room, he failed to notice that Rimmer was not in bed, but sat in a chair over in the corner. Rimmer stayed like that until he was sure Lister was asleep and then, he lay down on top of the bed sheets next to Lister and fell into a frustrated sleep.