Floor 13: Hero

Title Card: We apologise for the lack of Author's notes with this chapter. Jay and Silent Bob have gone AWOL. As a result, we have, at great expense, asked one of Big Brother's biggest fans, Avid Merrion to introduce the next chapter. We apologise to those people outside the UK who have never heard of him.

Int. A room.

We have a close up of a piece of card with "Avid's Art" written on it.

Avid:(OS) Welcome to Avid's Art.

A hand pulls away the title card ad reveals a sketch of Tyler Bateman typing at his computer. Avid is stood watching him over his shoulder.

Avid: (OS) This is me with the talented Tyler Bateman. He is typing stories onto his computer about the men who like to have the botty sex with other men. He is saying, 'I am not gay. I write these stories to see if I can'. I am saying, 'Shut up. I like your stories. They make me feel warm'. He is happy and then we hug. He is now my friend. RDSS, they like him, but I think I love him. He makes me think dirty dreams. I dedicate this story to him. Thank you please.

Fade to balck:

Title card: We would like to point out that the dedication given by Avid is not the one that has been confirmed by Tyler Bateman Esq.

Paranoid Android

"I feel like a wound, like I got a fuckin'

Gun against my head, you live when I'm dead" People = Shit - Slipknot

The next morning, the kitchen was a hive of activity. At the breakfast table, JayVee was fixing the Cat's eye makeup. The Cat had long since asked JayVee not to disclose to the rest of the crew that his vanity had reached such  heights that he needed make up to help define his eyes and cheekbones. However, JayVee told him if he was going to wear makeup, he might as well be open about it.

"Besides," She had smirked one evening, "It's a bit of a turn on actually."

Shayne was reading her Bible, afterall it was Sunday. Kochanski, meanwhile, rushed around preparing breakfast much to Kryten's annoyance and Holly's amusement as he watched the two of them fight over the eggs. Lister was sat eating his cereal. He was mulling over the day he planned to have with Ace. There was so much he wanted to do. Though he would be just as happy to sit and listen to him wax lyrical about his adventures in alternate dimensions. At that point, Ace walked in wearing a pair of gold shorts and a white T-shirt. A classic look which Ace pulled off with aplomb. Enough to grab the attentions of those gay and straight.

"Morning chums." he said,

"Morning Mr Ace Sir." replied Kryten trying to wrestle the frying pan out of Kochanski's hand.

"Mornin' Ace." Lister said moving up to allow Ace to sit at the table,

"Morning Davey Boy."

Ace took his place next to Lister.

"I was thinking that maybe you could give a hand with some repairs I need to make to the hull of the ship." Lister said, "Shayne and the Cat have had a look, but nothing."

"You never asked me." Holly interrupted, "I can help you know. It was me that created the nanobots. I think I can help with the complex issue of hull damage."

"Holly, you haven't worked out how to stop the navicom from giving it's readings in Spanish."

"Alright, Alright. I'll get onto it . I was just experimenting. I dunno, you try to add a little bit of European taste to the proceedings and what thanks do you get..."

Holly faded off his monitor and Ace let out a laugh. He had certainly missed the Ship's computer. At the time he didn't think so, but looking back on it, there was something highly amusing about waking up and finding other people's body parts attached to yours. Ace turned his attentions back to Lister.

"I'd be glad to help Spanners."

"Wouldn't you just..." said a voice from the doorway.

Ace turned and smiled, "Morning Iron Balls."

Rimmer ignored Ace, walked past him and grabbed himself a coffee. Ace gave Lister a puzzled look. Lister took a quick glance at Rimmer, turned back to Ace and shrugged.

"Rimsy?" Ace said, "Is there a problem, old friend?"

Rimmer took a sip of his coffee and narrowed his eyes, "Nothing that can't be solved when you go."

"Rimmer!" Lister exclaimed,

"That was uncalled for wannit?" Shayne said placing a hand on Rimmer's shoulder,

"Piss off Dyke." Rimmer said shrugging her hand off him,

Shayne frowned and snorted. She wasn't gonna take that, "Faggot!"

"Muff diver!"

"Ball bag Merchant!"

"Grow up the pair of you." Kochanski shouted

"He fuckin' started it. You heard him. Fuck it. If you weren't a pal, I'd smash your face in."

Rimmer sighed and walked to the door. As he walked, he felt everyone's eyes burrowing into him. Why didn't they just mind their own business? Before he left, Rimmer turned to face the room.

"Piss off."

And with that he was gone.

"What's the matter with brillo head?" enquired Cat,

"Nuthin', Nuthin'." Lister protested, "He's just probably got out of the wrong side of bed or something."

"Maybe so?" Ace smiled, "Not to worry. Remember the last time I was here? Your Rimmer was suspicious of me."

Lister nodded, "Yeah, you're right. I'll have a talk with him later."

-//-

Rimmer breathed deeply as he turned the corner into the corridor of the dungeon. He could feel his heart pulsating through his chest and as he did so, he gripped tighter onto his AK-47. He was thinking about Ace. He had been since his out burst in the kitchen this morning. How could he be that man? How?

Before he could give the man any more thought, an Imp jumped out of the shadows. Despite popular belief, as God's creatures go, an Imp is an ugly bastard. As well as no neck it has no head. It's facial features stick out from it's muscular, pink torso. Rimmer pulled the trigger, but discovered he had run out of bullets.

"Smeg."

Suddenly, the Imp stopped and gave what looked like a smile.

"Awight, Rimmer" it said, "What's happening down in Groove Town?"

"Rimmer threw down his gun, "For fuck's sake, Holly." he shouted, "Can't you see I'm busy?"

"What? Playing Doom." the Holly Imp asked, "

"It's a tactical decision making simulator actually."

"Smeg off." Holly laughed,

"My thoughts exactly."

The Holly Imp gave a look of concern, "Look, is something wrong? You know you talk to me?"

"Why on Io would I want to do that?"

"Well, I am the reason for your resurrection. I kind of feel like your father in a way."

"Resurrection? Father?" Rimmer spat, "Don't you get it?! QUIT!"

Rimmer faded out of the game leaving Holly to mull over what started off this new outburst by Rimmer.

-//-

When Lister found Rimmer that evening, he was sat in the bowels of the ship reading a book.

"Hey, Rimmer." Lister said sitting next to Rimmer on the floor, "Whatcha reading?"

"The Rules of Attraction by Brett Easton Ellis." Rimmer replied,

"Sounds kinky. Any good?"

Rimmer put the book down, "What do you want Lister?"

"I want to know what's got into you, man?"

"You haven't worked it out have you?"

"Worked out what? Are you jealous of Ace? Coz I don't mind if you are. The Rimmer before you was jealous of Ace."

Rimmer let out a spiteful laugh, "Lister, Lister, Lister. I know Ace is your Rimmer. I've known since last night."

Lister let this sink in. Rimmer knew who Ace really was. This could get quite sticky. At a time like this there was only one thing you could say.

"Smeg."