Author's notes: No time for any. Enjoy!
No Surprises
"If you knew me,
Like I know myself,
You'd hate me,
Like I hate myself"
Jackass - The Bloodhound Gang
"You move like I want to,
To see like your eyes do
We are downstairs where
No one can see
New life breakaway
Tonight I feel like more"
Digital Bath - Deftones
"How... How do you know?" Lister stuttered,
Rimmer picked up his book and began to play with the corners. Curling the pages till they formed spiral cones. Anything, but look Lister in the face.
"I followed you last night. When you went to visit him."
"You followed me? Why? Didn't you trust me or something?"
Keep looking down Rimmer. "To be honest. No. Then, when I heard you say he was the old Rimmer, I trusted you less."
Lister rubbed his temple with the balls of his palms, "I don't understand why you'd think there would be anything going on between us?"
Rimmer's face snapped up to stare at Lister, "Because no matter what you say about me I'll always be second best."
Lister went silent. So did Rimmer. The only thing that could be heard was the faint throb of music coming from somewhere on Starbug. Lister couldn't think of anything to say and so he simply sat there and prayed that Rimmer would be the first to continue. He was.
"Lister, do you know how many times I have woken up and realised that I'm not really Rimmer?"
"But you are, man."
"No I'm not. I'm a carbon copy. If you photocopiedd the Mona Lisa, the original would always come up trumps. And what makes it worse is the fact that you have feelings for him that you will never have for me."
"Rimmer, man, listen to yourself. You sound..."
"I sound like a man talking a lot of fucking sense. When you went into Stasis you were 26 and I was 31. Whiz forward a couple of millennia and you're 32 and I'm still 31. I have missed out on six years of your life."
There was a long pause. In which time Lister tried to hold Rimmer's hand and was rejected.
"He's been there though hasn't he. He's been there when you faced the polymorph. Twice. He was the one who stood by you when you gave birth. When the chips were down, he was the one who tried to save you all from your future selves. Lister, He was the man Holly assigned to keep you sane. Your bond to him is something I can't compete with."
Lister let Rimmer's speech settle in. It was mostly all true. His Rimmer had been there when Lister gave birth to Jim and Bexley. However, his main objective was to convince Kryten that Lister should be allowed to give birth without gas… and through his anus. Also, it was true that his Rimmer did try to blow up the time machine that was the reason why they had ended up in a battle with their future selves, but he failed. Try explaining this to the Rimmer sitting next to him and it would be like preaching to the converted. How can the same person be so different in the space of a few years? Also, as for this feeling Rimmer had about being a clone... Lister couldn't argue there either. If you faced facts, that's what he was. Rimmer, JayVee, Shayne, Kill Crazy. They were all clones. Clones that were created by Holly in a continuing effort to keep Lister's brain from turning to mulch.
"Rimmer, man, you're right." Lister said finally, "There is a bond between me and Ace, I mean, Rimmer, I mean... Look, but don't you see that I have a bond with you that I'll never have with him."
"What are you talking about Lister?" Rimmer said dejectedly,
"We spent close to two years on Floor 13. For a starter, Ace didn't even know there was a Floor 13, so already he's kinda out of the loop. Also, we fought against a T-Rex called Pete. That's hardly ever gonna happen again. We gave a virus to Hollister that ate his clothes. Grim, but amusing. You and I both shared the suffering of having to cope with Kill Crazy's death at the hands of the Simulants. And you know something else?"
"What?"
"Ace has nothing on us because we're in love. Don't get me wrong, I love him, but I'm in love with you."
Rimmer gave a smile and leaned forward to kiss Lister. He couldn't think of anything else to say. Lister's naivity that love will save the day blinded him from the truth. Rimmer was half the man Ace was, is and ever shall be. However, he couldn't continue to be angry at Lister. It just wasn't right and after they had kissed, Rimmer embraced Lister and held on to him as if he were the last human alive. If Kryten were here he would most certainly point out the irony.
"You gonna be okay, man." Lister said finally,
"Yes." Rimmer said lying through his teeth,
"Good, but look, don't tell anyone else about Ace. It'll just make it harder for him to leave if everyone found out who he was."
"Oh, I wouldn't want to do that." Rimmer smiled thinly,
Suddenly Starbug began to shake. A loud klaxon went off and Holly's voice boomed around Starbug.
"ATTENTION. ATTENTION. WE ARE BEING ATTACKED. COULD ALL THOSE PEOPLE NOT HAVING SEX MAKE THEIR WAY TO THE BRIDGE. THOSE WHO ARE HAVING SEX, PLEASE MAKE YOUR WAY TO THE BRIDGE. ANY TIME NOW. WHEN YOU'RE READY. DON'T THINK YOU HAVE TO RUSH...."
There was a pause as Lister and Rimmer stood up and dusted themselves down.
"GET A FUCKING MOVE ON."
-//-
When Rimmer and Lister made it to the bridge, people had already taken their positions. Kryten was in his usual place, Ace had taken over the Navi-Com and the Cat and Shayne were at the controls. Kochanski and JayVee were stood behind their respective partners. Ace looked over his shoulder at Rimmer and Lister, then back at his table.
"Nice you could joins chaps." he said, "Appears we're having a spot of bother with someone."
"Who?"
"Him." said the Cat pointing to what lay outside,
A red craft, large enough to inhabit one pilot, was speeding towards them. Every now and then it let off a series of shots.
"There's been no actual damage to the ship." Holly said appearing on a monitor, "I think he must be using a stun gun to scare us."
"Who the smeg is he?" Rimmer shouted as the craft let off another round, "Is it one of the Simulants?"
"It looks like Ace's ship." Lister cried,
"'Fraid so, chaps." Ace said glumly, "I'm afraid I might know the chap."
The craft stop when it was at least half a mile from Starbug. For five minutes, there was silence. No one dared say anything. If you listened carefully, you could almost hearing the various parts of Kryten all whirring and buzzing around the mechanoid. Lister shot a glance at Ace who was staring sternly at their visitor. Shayne pulled a cigarette out of her pocket and this time Kochanski didn't stop her from lighting up. Then, after what seemed, like an eternity, the red craft began to hail them.
"Answer it Krytie." Ace ordered, "If this is who I think it is, he won't take kindly to being ignored."
"Right away sir."
Kryten responded and the all the monitors, except those that held important information and the one that Holly was on, lit up and projected an overly familiar sneering face. It looked like Rimmer, but more athletic. His hair was black and spiked. He wore a flight suit like Ace's, except you could tell, even by the monitors, that this was a much sleeker outfit. Everyone, except Ace, did a double take.
"Who is that?" Lister whispered,
"No need to answer, Ace." the man said, "I'll do it for you. My name, David, is Judas Rimmer. It is a name that you should fear. However, I have no time for fun today. All I require is Ace."
"Sorry, old chap." Ace said, "I'd love to come out and play, but I'm afraid I'm visiting some friends and I think it would be bloody minded of me to disappear without making them supper first."
"Always with the quips, aren't we Ace?" said Judas, "Well, look, I'll tell you what. You have half an hour. By which time, I want you out here and ready to fight. If you don't, I'm going to blow the whole fucking lot of you up. Ta-ta!"
Everyone looked at each other. No one knew what to say. Finally, Holly broke the silence.
"Who's up for some French toast?"
