EXT. THE GRAND CENTRAL (MANCHESTER). DAY

 

Establishing shot. "Tube of Wonderful" by Dave Pirner plays.

 

INT. GRAND CENTRAL.

 

The pub is slightly busy. Bateman is sat near the window supping on a BBK.

Voice: Check out this morose Muthafucka...

Tyler looks up. "Tube of Wonderful" is drowned out by the opening bars of Run DMC's "Tougher Then Leather". We pan over to see Jay and Silent Bob.

Jay: Smells like someone shit in his cereal. Buunngg!

Tyler: Jesus! There's a phrase that isn't getting overused.

 

Jay and Silent Bob sit down facing Tyler at his table.

Jay: So, what's the matta with youse? Chick problems? Coz if so, we gotta book. Otherwise, this tubby bitch'll start spewing some shit about some slut he dated.

 

Silent Bob slaps Jay round the back of his head.

Jay: Knock it off already.

Tyler: Look, I was having a quiet beer. I've had a really shitty week and now my serenity and zen like calm has been disrupted by Cock Cheese and his mute partner.

Jay: (To Bob) Heh, he called you cock cheese.

Tyler: So, you wanna tell me why you're here?

Jay: Well, y'know, it's like the fuckin' DMC say. "Sent by the Lord, here and abroad".

Tyler removes his glasses and rubs his eyes wearily.

Tyler: And the reason why you're not in Jersey introducing my fics.

Jay: We're here for the pussy!

Bob shakes his head slightly in disgust.

Tyler: What?

Jay: We wanna meet those hookers you bin hangin' out with.

Tyler: Jay, are you high?

Jay: Shit yea'. (Beat) You wanna toke?

Jay offers him a blunt from his pocket.

Tyler: Wigga, shut the fuck up! Now, what the fuck are you doing here and what the fuck are you talking about? What fucking hookers? FUCK!!

Jay: (To Bob) Have you heard the mouth on this one? Dirtier then ya mother's draws. (To Tyler) Now, look we read that message out and we read about Ms Kitty. Then, we went over to Brodie's house, he puts us on the intranet and we go on whoopee.com or whatever the fuck it's called. Next, we see all these hookers names like Kitty and Nightshade etc. Then, lo and behold, we find your name amongst them all. So, once again, where are the fuckin' hookers?

 

Tyler goes to open his mouth and is interrupted by an outburst by Silent Bob.

Bob: THERE ARE NO HOOKERS! CAN'T YOU SEE THAT? I DON'T KNOW WHY THE FUCK I FOLLOWED YOU HERE. JESUS! ALL THE TIME, ALL I HEAR, 'YO, TUBBY, LET'S GET LAID'. 'HEY, LOOK AT THAT BITCH.'. I'M FUCKING SICK OF IT. (Calming down.) I'm sick of it Jay. I wanna smell a rose. I wanna cradle a laughing child. Christ, I want more from life, can't you see that?

Bob sighs, gets up slowly and leaves the pub. Tyler and Jay shift uncomfortably in their seats. Finally, Jay speaks.

Jay: Dude, you pissed him off big time.

Fade to black.

Title Card: It must be made clear that the members of RDSS are not hookers.

However, Tyler has said he would let Angelina Jolie pay him for sex.

Dedicated to Scavenger because she gave me free publicity and she hasn't tried to kill me yet. Also, hugs to Doe. To the rest of you, a warning! This story's

gonna get a lot darker before it gets any lighter.

Bullet Proof... I Wish I was

"Caught on the back step I see myself tripping

On the dark ship that I be voyaging

Into the darkest deepest recess

My mirror image shatters into a thousand pieces

As I entertain the thoughts of my reflection

A one way ticket through the corridors of tension

The flip side, the negative vibe

Too easy to hate and too lazy to like"

Someone to Hate - King Prawn

"He's Arnold, Arnold, Arnold Rimmer,

Without him life would be much grimmer"

The Rimmer Song - Arnold Rimmer

"Can I sit down?"

Rimmer dragged himself from his stupor to face his guest. Rather then answer him, he turned his attention back to the floor and grunted. Ace had followed Rimmer into his room after his little outburst in the kitchen.

"Thanks old man." Ace said, and took his position next to Rimmer on the bed,

"Look, don't bother with the voice. It doesn't impress me." Rimmer snorted, "Get rid of that ridiculous hair as well."

Ace sighed and ran his left hand through his long golden locks and gave a sharp tug. The whole hair piece came off in his hand and was replaced by a patch of matted, curly, brown hair. Rimmer stared with contempt at his twin.

"You don't like me, do you Rimmer?" Ace asked.

"As sure as eggs are eggs, Ace." Rimmer snorted.

"Mmm, I'm glad you said that." Ace said half jokingly, "I thought I was being paranoid."

He turned to share a smile, but was met by the solemn wall of Rimmer.

"Ahem, so how did you find out? About me, I mean."

Reluctantly, Rimmer confessed to how he had listened in on Ace and Lister's conversation. Ace didn't interrupt and when he had finished, Rimmer returned to looking at the floor. Ace pulled a silver cigarillo box out of his breast pocket and lit one its contents. Rimmer sniffed the air and snorted in disgust, but said nothing.

"Look, Rimmer." Ace said finally, emphasising the first syllable deliberately,

"I know Lister has asked you not to tell Cat and Kryten who I am. He told me, but can I ask you to at least pretend you like me?"

"Why?" Rimmer sneered.

Ace threw the cigarillo on the floor and crushed it beneath his boot. He stood and then violently grabbed Rimmer by the scruff of his shirt collar.

"Because," Ace shouted, "You don't want to hurt Lister's feelings, do you?"

"No." Rimmer squeaked.

"Good. Now, look, I am going to be here for a while whether you like it or not. So, stop looking like a slapped arse and get your face straight!"

Ace let go and Rimmer sat down, visibly shaken. Ace picked his wig up off the floor and placed it back on his head. At that point, Kryten and Shayne burst in.

"Mr Ace! Mr Rimmer!" Kryten cried, "I must ask that you join us down in quarantine."

"Er, right," said Ace, "Problem, Kryters?"

"Looks like the arsecunt's awake." Shayne replied,

-//-

20 minutes later, everyone was down in quarantine. Ace paced around the room, occasionally glancing at Judas. Judas was performing some obscene dance and singing loudly. Rimmer turned off the mike to Judas' room and shifted uncomfortably from one foot to the next. His hand squeezed Lister's shoulder and Lister craned his neck to kiss Rimmer's fingers.

"So," Ace began, "Let me get this straight. There's not a single working close circuit camera on this craft? Out of two hundred crafts, you stole the one Starbug with no security devices!"

"Look bud," Cat said, getting angry for the first time ever with Ace. He didn't mean to, it was just that when Ace talked down to him like that, he sounded like the old Rimmer before he died. "We were trying to get out of a living hell. The last thing we were concerned about was whether we could make home movies."

"Cat, please..." JayVee squeezed the Cat's knee and he settled down,

"What about you Holly?" Ace asked turning to a monitor,

Holly's digital face frowned. "Sorry Ace, but it's not gonna happen. I've been holed up in a watch too long. I haven't got enough memory to keep an eye on both players in a tennis match, let alone this whole ship. It's not possible anymore, sorry."

"Hey man," Lister replied, "Don't worry, eh? No one was expecting you to do so. Looks like we'll have to take shifts. Keep an eye on him, y'know? Each of us can do about two to four hours. Shouldn't be too bad. After all, he ain't going nowhere."

Lister looked at Judas in his glass cage. Judas sat on his bed, eyes piercing into the back of Lister's skull.

"I hope," Lister murmured, "I really do."

-//-

Kryten took the first shift and that night everyone tried to their best to relax and sleep. Kochanski nuzzled at Shayne's breast and thought about Rimmer. Most of us are aware of the concept of an angel and a demon perched on our shoulders telling us what to do. In some way, Rimmer was faced with the reality.

In Rimmer and Lister's room, Lister gently entered his former roommate from behind. Although he could feel Rimmer from the inside, he felt that Rimmer wasn't all there. However, he chose not to say anything and after they both experienced a weak climax, they slept on opposite sides of the bed for the first time in months.

Ace lay on his bed and made himself hard. He pictured JayVee naked. He imagined her begging for him. He fantasised about having heavy, sweaty, somewhat illegal sex. The whole fantasy would be enough satisfy him, but something just didn't feel right. He felt empty. It wasn't right. JayVee was with Cat. He felt what he was doing was wrong. It was something Judas would do. As was the way he had yelled at Rimmer in his room. He wasn't Judas. He couldn't be Judas. Ever. He hoped. If Ace could read minds, he'd find that he wasn't alone in his fear of becoming Judas.

In his room, Rimmer quietly wept.