Author's Note: Warning this fic contains scenes that some may find disturbing. It contains references towards rape and serious deviant behaviour. None of which reflect the views and opinions of the author. Believe me, I had to go zone out in front of 'The Office' after writing this, I have a tendency to get too involved when writing. I'd say enjoy, but erm...
Wake Up Hate"To do aught good never will be our task,
But ever to do ill our sole delight,
As being the contrary to his high will
Whom we resist. If then his providence
Out of our evil seek to bring forth good,
Our labour must be to pervert that end,
And out of good still to find means of evil,"
Paradise Lost - John Milton
"It's not,
What you thought,
When you first began it,
You got,
What you want,
Now you can hardly stand it though,
By now you know,
It's not going to stop,
It's not going to stop,
It's not going to stop,
Till you wise up."
Wise Up - Aimee Mann
Rimmer remembered when he was 11 years old, he had watched a fake documentary set in a haunted house. At the end of the show, after most of the presenters had been killed, Rimmer had sat transfixed as the main host staggered to a disused camera pleading for help. His pleas were replaced a demon like voice that seemed to vomit out of his mouth. That night, Arnold J Rimmer, aged eleven and three quarters, had sat on his bed with a spine made of ice and a forehead of sewing needles.
20 years on, that very same feeling greeted Rimmer when he woke up on board Starbug. It was his turn to look after Judas.
After a shower that didn't seem to refresh and a breakfast that failed to nourish, Rimmer made his way to Quarantine. JayVee had been there for most of the night. The Cat had been with her, but his constant need for naps meant JayVee had to send him to bed. Rimmer gave a weary smile to JayVee, who returned the gesture and closed the copy of Red Dragon she had been reading. Judas was lying on his bed staring at the ceiling.
"Don't worry about him." JayVee said picking a piece of fluff out of Rimmer's hair. "I've had to turn his mike off. Cat left about two hours ago and Judas over there got personal. Started asking me about the size of my breasts."
"36C right?" Rimmer said,
"Fuck off." JayVee said playfully, "Anyway, how are you? Ready for this?"
"Yeah, yeah." Rimmer lied, "Ready for this."
He pointed to where JayVee had been sat, behind a desk.
"This is where I'm sitting." He continued, "Marvellous! Well, off you go JayVee. Tell Lister I'll see him later."
JayVee nodded and left. She knew that Rimmer was scared. Shit, they all were, but it was affecting him the worst. Best not to say anything, she though, he'll get it off his chest sooner or later.
Rimmer sat at his desk and opened up the book he had brought. After about fifteen minutes, he noticed out of the corner of his eyes, that Judas was up and trying to get his attention. Rimmer knew he should just ignore him, but he clicked his mike on anyway.
"What do you want, Judas?"
"Do you know what bra size she is?" Judas beamed, "I only ask because I've never seen a pair like that!"
Rimmer rolled his eyes and drew his attention back to his book.
"All I'm saying, Arnold, " Judas continued, "All I'm saying is that if she asked me for a Double Entendre, I'd give her one."
"Judas!" Rimmer barked, "Do you want to keep it down?"
"Oh come on, Arnold. That was funny. Double entendre, give her one. The set up was poor, but the follow through..."
"Shut up! Just shut up."
Judas sat down on his bed and began to pick at the side of his shoe. Rimmer continued to read his book, but found it hard to concentrate. Every now and then he would steal a look at Judas. Five minutes went by and then Judas pulled something out of his pockets. Rimmer knew what they were. When they searched Judas' unconscious body, they had confiscated anything they thought he could use to escape. Ace stumbled across several Amyl capsules. His first thought was take those as well, but Kryten suggested that rather then take them completely, they would ration them out to Judas. They would give him one capsule every morning to last him all day. It was better to have a stoned Judas then a pissed off one demanding drugs. Hopefully, they will have worked out what to do with Judas before they ran out.
Rimmer watched Judas snort that day's ration down. Judas turned to face Rimmer and smiled.
"Would you like some?" Judas asked,
"No thank you."
"Aww, shame. I was going to say, y'know, come in and we'll have ourselves a party."
Judas began to laugh long and hard. His laugh was different to Rimmer's. It would start off deep and then suddenly it would increase in pitch. Rimmer shuddered as he realised that it reminded him of a screaming child.
"Ok Dr. Gonzo, quiet time." Rimmer said sternly,
Judas sat cross legged on the bed and mockingly put his finger to his lips. He giggled quietly as the Amyl capsule took effect. Once the giggling subsided, Judas stood and leaned against the observation window.
"It's funny, but the others turned me off." Judas said making a flicking motion as if turning off a light. "You though, you want to listen to me don't you Arnold?"
"I don't know what you mean."
"Then switch me off." sneered Judas in a way that reminded Rimmer of his brother Howard.
Neither of the Rimmer's moved, until finally Judas unleashed another round of laughter.
"This is precious." he said, "You really are intrigued with what I have to say, aren't you? So, Arnold, what would you like to know about me? Or would you rather I learnt more about you first?"
Rimmer finally put his book down and crossed his arms. If he couldn't read, he may as well listen.
"Is it strange, Arnold?" Judas continued, "Is it strange to see that both Ace and I are not gay? Don't look at me like that. It's not as if you were being subtle about your deviant lifestyle. I saw the way Lister kissed your hand. I think I was quite strong to keep the bile from rising. Why? Why are you fucking him?"
"I love him."
"Oh, Christ!" Judas laughed. "Is that what you think? Well, go on, tell me all about how you and ape boy got together."
Judas sat cross-legged on his bed and Rimmer, once more, recounted the tale of how he and Lister had become lovers. Despite his previous outspoken convictions towards homosexuality, Judas would have Rimmer go into extreme detail about various points in the tale. Although Rimmer felt some discomfort in doing so, he did so just to keep Judas quiet.
When he had finished, Judas closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Nothing more was said for the rest of the shift. Judas merely got into bed and slept off the rest of his amyl capsule and Rimmer went back to reading his book.
-//-
The next day, after a hearty meal from Shayne, it was time for Rimmer's second shift. As he reached the door to Quarantine, Ace walked out.
"Ah, here for you shift, huh? Listen, Rimsy, how's it going with Judas?" Ace said,
"Not bad, Ace-y." Rimmer said mockingly, "Why?"
"I'm just sort of warning everybody really." Ace replied. "He's cunning, Rimmer. He's cunning and evil and you'd do well not to get involved with him. Whatever he says or does, remember he is a murderer. His killings total more then Dr. Harold Shipman."
Rimmer pulled the same face a sixteen year old girl makes when she is told by disproving parents that she can't go to the local youth centre with half her breasts hanging out of her crop top.
"Why are you telling me this?" Rimmer said flippantly.
"Look, I know I yelled at you, but..."
"Whatever."
"Rimmer, would you just..."
"I'm a big boy, Ace. Now, kindly make like the human race and fornicate off."
Rimmer pushed his way past Ace and stormed into quarantine. Ace shook his head and walked towards the kitchen. Rimmer was a blasted idiot, but Ace knew that if he had been spoken to the way he spoke to Rimmer, he'd have acted exactly the same way to. Regardless of what direction Arnold Rimmer's life took, he was still a stubborn human being.
When Rimmer walked into Quarantine, he found Judas waiting for him. He had a stern look and made the motion for Rimmer to turn on his mike. Rimmer did so and settled down. The thing was Judas didn't say anything. In fact, he didn't speak until the final hour.
"Do you remember Mr Schmidt?" Judas said.
Rimmer did. He was a man who use to live across from the Rimmers back on Io. He was a friendly man who had looked after Rimmer for his parents on many occasions. The thing was Rimmer realised that there was a gap in his memory. There was a hole about his childhood that he couldn't fill. Mr Schmidt was his neighbour and then he wasn't. Rimmer couldn't remember ever moving out.
"I vaguely remember. Why?" Rimmer said
"To think that there are multiple realities out there is fine. You, Ace and I are living proof of this. To believe that one thing could alter the course of your life is understandable. However, to believe that being moved up and down a year could have that much of an effect on your life is just plain gullible."
"Nope, Judas, you've lost me."
"When you were six years old, your family went away to New Blackpool. You couldn't go, remember, because you had tried to shave the cat."
Rimmer let out a brief laugh. Yes, he could remember that. His brothers had put him up to do it for a bet.
"Don't laugh!" Judas shouted. "Don't ever fucking laugh when I'm talking."
"Okay. Smeg, I'm sorry."
"Just... Just don't laugh."
Judas stood up and began to walk around his cell. As he talked his arms flailed around wildly.
"Mr Schmidt said he would look after you. Remember? Do you remember?"
"Vaguely. Judas, this was years ago. I can't be expected to remember everything."
"Everything?" Judas sighed, "I didn't say everything. I just meant this one thing, Arnold. Stay with me on this. Okay?"
"Okay."
"Right, you went round to his house. You were bored within an hour. You didn't want to watch a film, you didn't want to read a book and so, Mr Schmidt suggested you play with some finger paints."
In Rimmer's mind there was a glimmer of recollection, but it was not enough to accommodate any sort of real memory. Still, Judas ploughed on. He started to become distant and Rimmer found it hard to keep up.
"You painted so many pictures. Lot's of blues and greens and reds. So much fun. 'Why don't you paint a picture for mummy and daddy, Rimmer?' Fuck! You were so filthy afterwards. Covered head to toe in paint. Mr Schmidt said you looked like a Van Gogh. He ran you a bath. Arnold, do you remember?"
Rimmer sat up in his chair. Something was beginning to push it's way into his mind. Not quickly though. It was like pulling a heavy object out of quick sand.
"You bathed and then... And then... Jesus, why didn't I realise? Christ, Arnold, he…"
"STOP!" cried Rimmer,
"Remember Arnold!" Shouted Judas, "Remember! What did he do?"
Rimmer began to sob. An uncontrollable sob. Twenty-five years of denial suddenly blew apart in Rimmer's mind like a firework. The grief was so much that Rimmer fell off his chair and curled up into a ball. He held himself in his arms and rocked slowly. If he looked up he would have seen tears form in Judas' eyes.
"What did he do?" Judas repeated.
"He raped me!" Rimmer cried.
"And what did mummy and daddy do when you told them?"
"Nothing." Rimmer sobbed.
"That's right. Nothing. Their youngest child was assaulted and they didn't believe you."
Rimmer's sobs subsided and he crawled back into his seat.
"Why? Why are you telling me this?" Rimmer sighed
"Because you need to remember, Arnold." Judas said wiping tears from his eyes. "You need to remember how you felt then."
"Why?"
"Because I think Lister raped you on Floor 13."
