I wept as I remembered how often you and I had tired the sun with talking and sent him down the sky.- Callimachus /victory/quotations/authors/quotes_callimachus.html
If we could know which of us, darling, would be the first to go, who would be first to breast the swelling tide and step alone upon the other side - if we could know! -C. S. Lewis /quotes/authors/c/a125926.html
CHAPTER 3
A letter to Sarah
Dinner had just been served and 'X-Men II' was being shown for the in-flight movie. Since my mind wasn't into watching a comic book-turned-movie, I decided to write a letter to Mac. I doubted I would ever show it to her. But, I thought when I saw her, maybe if I wrote my thoughts down I might actually be able to express them to her. And maybe it will keep me from slowly going mad from the wait, and the unknown. Writing was supposed to be therapeutic. So, I took out my notebook and a pen and started to write.
My dear Sarah,
Where do I start? First off, once and for all I need to tell you that I not only love you, but that I am in love with you. I have been for awhile. I just haven't been sure how to tell you, or if I should tell you. You know how I like to complicate things. Just when I figured out that I needed to tell you how I felt, my tongue once again failed me, and you left me. I wish you hadn't left the way you did the last time we talked. Ever since then I've been going crazy with worry. I dealt with it in my usual way. I stayed focused on finding you, and making it right. And nothing could sway me from my task. I even called Webb's mom to see if I could get a hold of you, but no luck.
Then it came to me to call Catherine Gale, the CIA lawyer who we worked with on the Angelshark investigation. As I was trying to contact her, I had to stop because the Admiral and Meredith arrived to announce their engagement. Can you believe it?! The old man's getting married. No date set yet, though. I'm happy for them. He's a great man. He grabbed up his girl as soon as he realized she was the one. No wonder he's my superior - he knows to hold onto a good thing while he has it. I, on the other hand--I let the past control me when it comes to matters of the heart.
Do you have any idea how worried I am about you? This is why I've tried so hard to keep us from falling for each other. But, I failed. I wasn't strong enough. And now, here I am, on that same sickeningly familiar precipice, searching for the one person I have left in my life that I love above all else. Could you love me too? Have you given up on this tired, old sailor? I hope not.
I'm praying that you're okay. I don't understand why I feel such a foreboding about this mission. The day after I met with Catherine, Deputy Director Kershaw got news from Agent Hardy, the station chief there. Unfortunately, it was not good news. He called the Admiral to tell him that things were not going the way they should. It seems that they'd lost contact with you and Webb. He couldn't tell the Admiral much, but what he did tell him was that Gunny had been working undercover as well over there. And that Gunny had been shot and was recovering in Paraguay. He also told the Admiral that Gunny would be calling to bring him up to date on the exact details.
While all this was happening, I was in my office, weary as hell, misery encompassing my entire body. I hadn't slept again, and you came and spoke to me in a dream. I heard those damning words, and then I saw you lying somewhere, your delicate body hurt and shivering, and barely conscious, my name whispered interminably on your trembling lips.
I came in early that day, since I didn't rest, couldn't rest, until I found out whether or not you were okay. Just then, Tiner came into my office saying that the Admiral wanted to see me right away. I double-timed it to his office. Once there, I listened to what he told me and at the same time I felt like dying. He said that Gunny would be calling in about an hour. The only thing I could think of was, if they'd hurt you--God, I didn't know what I'd do.
During that hour of waiting that crawled along on its twisted limbs like a cripple, I must have suffered all of the agonies of hell. Why did I let you leave that night?! The Admiral, with his usual perceptiveness, told me not to worry so much, that everything would be okay. It brought me no solace. I'll only feel better once I have you safe in my arms.
Gunny finally called and the Admiral put him on speaker phone.
"Hello, sir."
Gunny sounded rough.
"How you doing Gunny?" the Admiral questioned.
"As good as can be expected, sir. I'm alive - if that counts for anything."
"The Commander's here with me. We'd like to know where you are."
"Sir, right now I'm in Ciudad del Este, I just got released from the hospital yesterday."
"What the hell is going on over there, Gunny? Since when have you been undercover with the CIA?" he demanded sharply.
"I've been undercover here in Paraguay, under the pretense of working for Raul Garcia, a local drug lord, for about four weeks, sir. Mr. Webb helped me get the job. He said he needed someone he could trust. I guess that's why he picked the Colonel, as well. Mr. Webb and Mac made a deal with Raul Garcia. They made a swap, two circuit boards for the Stinger Missiles, Sadik Fahd, a terrorist, needed. Mr. Webb and the Colonel got diamonds from Garcia, and Garcia traded the circuit boards to Sadik Fahd for 20 Million dollars worth of uncut coke."
"How did you end up getting shot, Gunny?" I questioned.
"Well, sir, Garcia had me go with a couple of Fahd's bodyguards. When I got there, and they tested the boards. I checked in with Mr. Webb. Just as I was advised to get my six out of there, Fahd came out surrounded by some of his men, and grabbed my phone. He questioned me. I tried to play it off, but it didn't work. They took me down to a shack to torture me. But Mac and Mr. Webb knew that things had gone wrong. And they came after me. We tried to make it to their vehicle to get out of there, but things didn't go quite as planned. And I got shot. The Colonel and Mr. Webb actually made it to the vehicle, but it was blown over onto its side by a grenade thrown by one of Sadik's men."
At that point, I jumped from my chair.
"What happened to the Colonel, Gunny? Did she make it?"
The Admiral eyed me, but said nothing.
"We got taken into the shack and held there. They tortured me, and Webb. Mr. Webb and Mac insisted that they make a distraction and help me escape. They were both pretty banged up, sir. Unless we get them some help out there, I don't think they'll make it. Fahd only wants one thing, to know who they work for, and what they know so far, and then they'll be useless to him. I informed the station chief here. He said he'd take care of it. That's all I know at the moment, sir."
"Keep us informed. You get some rest, Gunny. That'll be all."
"Yes, sir."
Gunny hung up, and I turned to the Admiral.
I asked the Admiral to let me help you two. I told him that I was sure I'd find you. I knew that in that state of mind I wasn't making a good impression on him, though. And he told me that he needed me there, that the CIA was in a better position to handle it.
I tried to get the Admiral to budge, but he was immoveable. He still denied me leave. There was no way in hell that I was going to leave you there and sit at JAG with my hands folded, waiting for news. So, I took off my wings and placed them on his desk and I told him that I was resigning my commission. Then I turned and left the Admiral standing there, stunned.
I went back to my office and grabbed a few things that I needed. Bud came up to me and asked me if everything was okay. I told him no, and that I was leaving for awhile. I didn't tell him that I was leaving JAG. But, he asked me how I managed to get leave when the Colonel was gone, and we were already short-handed. When I didn't answer him, I think he knew. Everyone knew that I'd been worried about you. It's not exactly like I tried to hide it.
"He didn't give you leave, did he? This is for good, isn't it, sir?" Bud asked, eyes widened with apprehension.
"I have to go find Mac. She needs me."
"But, sir--"
My letter went unfinished because, before I knew it the plane was only moments away from the airport. I folded the paper I'd written on, placed it in my jacket pocket, and gathered my overnight bag, readying myself to exit the plane as soon as possible. I still couldn't believe that I left JAG and the Navy. They'd been my whole life. My cell phone rang countless times, but I hadn't answered it. I felt kind of bad, not telling Bud or Sturgis where I was going. But, it was too late for thinking about all that. I was to meet Gunny at the hotel later today. From there all I knew was that I would find her, and I would save her - no matter what the cost.
End of chapter 3
If we could know which of us, darling, would be the first to go, who would be first to breast the swelling tide and step alone upon the other side - if we could know! -C. S. Lewis /quotes/authors/c/a125926.html
CHAPTER 3
A letter to Sarah
Dinner had just been served and 'X-Men II' was being shown for the in-flight movie. Since my mind wasn't into watching a comic book-turned-movie, I decided to write a letter to Mac. I doubted I would ever show it to her. But, I thought when I saw her, maybe if I wrote my thoughts down I might actually be able to express them to her. And maybe it will keep me from slowly going mad from the wait, and the unknown. Writing was supposed to be therapeutic. So, I took out my notebook and a pen and started to write.
My dear Sarah,
Where do I start? First off, once and for all I need to tell you that I not only love you, but that I am in love with you. I have been for awhile. I just haven't been sure how to tell you, or if I should tell you. You know how I like to complicate things. Just when I figured out that I needed to tell you how I felt, my tongue once again failed me, and you left me. I wish you hadn't left the way you did the last time we talked. Ever since then I've been going crazy with worry. I dealt with it in my usual way. I stayed focused on finding you, and making it right. And nothing could sway me from my task. I even called Webb's mom to see if I could get a hold of you, but no luck.
Then it came to me to call Catherine Gale, the CIA lawyer who we worked with on the Angelshark investigation. As I was trying to contact her, I had to stop because the Admiral and Meredith arrived to announce their engagement. Can you believe it?! The old man's getting married. No date set yet, though. I'm happy for them. He's a great man. He grabbed up his girl as soon as he realized she was the one. No wonder he's my superior - he knows to hold onto a good thing while he has it. I, on the other hand--I let the past control me when it comes to matters of the heart.
Do you have any idea how worried I am about you? This is why I've tried so hard to keep us from falling for each other. But, I failed. I wasn't strong enough. And now, here I am, on that same sickeningly familiar precipice, searching for the one person I have left in my life that I love above all else. Could you love me too? Have you given up on this tired, old sailor? I hope not.
I'm praying that you're okay. I don't understand why I feel such a foreboding about this mission. The day after I met with Catherine, Deputy Director Kershaw got news from Agent Hardy, the station chief there. Unfortunately, it was not good news. He called the Admiral to tell him that things were not going the way they should. It seems that they'd lost contact with you and Webb. He couldn't tell the Admiral much, but what he did tell him was that Gunny had been working undercover as well over there. And that Gunny had been shot and was recovering in Paraguay. He also told the Admiral that Gunny would be calling to bring him up to date on the exact details.
While all this was happening, I was in my office, weary as hell, misery encompassing my entire body. I hadn't slept again, and you came and spoke to me in a dream. I heard those damning words, and then I saw you lying somewhere, your delicate body hurt and shivering, and barely conscious, my name whispered interminably on your trembling lips.
I came in early that day, since I didn't rest, couldn't rest, until I found out whether or not you were okay. Just then, Tiner came into my office saying that the Admiral wanted to see me right away. I double-timed it to his office. Once there, I listened to what he told me and at the same time I felt like dying. He said that Gunny would be calling in about an hour. The only thing I could think of was, if they'd hurt you--God, I didn't know what I'd do.
During that hour of waiting that crawled along on its twisted limbs like a cripple, I must have suffered all of the agonies of hell. Why did I let you leave that night?! The Admiral, with his usual perceptiveness, told me not to worry so much, that everything would be okay. It brought me no solace. I'll only feel better once I have you safe in my arms.
Gunny finally called and the Admiral put him on speaker phone.
"Hello, sir."
Gunny sounded rough.
"How you doing Gunny?" the Admiral questioned.
"As good as can be expected, sir. I'm alive - if that counts for anything."
"The Commander's here with me. We'd like to know where you are."
"Sir, right now I'm in Ciudad del Este, I just got released from the hospital yesterday."
"What the hell is going on over there, Gunny? Since when have you been undercover with the CIA?" he demanded sharply.
"I've been undercover here in Paraguay, under the pretense of working for Raul Garcia, a local drug lord, for about four weeks, sir. Mr. Webb helped me get the job. He said he needed someone he could trust. I guess that's why he picked the Colonel, as well. Mr. Webb and Mac made a deal with Raul Garcia. They made a swap, two circuit boards for the Stinger Missiles, Sadik Fahd, a terrorist, needed. Mr. Webb and the Colonel got diamonds from Garcia, and Garcia traded the circuit boards to Sadik Fahd for 20 Million dollars worth of uncut coke."
"How did you end up getting shot, Gunny?" I questioned.
"Well, sir, Garcia had me go with a couple of Fahd's bodyguards. When I got there, and they tested the boards. I checked in with Mr. Webb. Just as I was advised to get my six out of there, Fahd came out surrounded by some of his men, and grabbed my phone. He questioned me. I tried to play it off, but it didn't work. They took me down to a shack to torture me. But Mac and Mr. Webb knew that things had gone wrong. And they came after me. We tried to make it to their vehicle to get out of there, but things didn't go quite as planned. And I got shot. The Colonel and Mr. Webb actually made it to the vehicle, but it was blown over onto its side by a grenade thrown by one of Sadik's men."
At that point, I jumped from my chair.
"What happened to the Colonel, Gunny? Did she make it?"
The Admiral eyed me, but said nothing.
"We got taken into the shack and held there. They tortured me, and Webb. Mr. Webb and Mac insisted that they make a distraction and help me escape. They were both pretty banged up, sir. Unless we get them some help out there, I don't think they'll make it. Fahd only wants one thing, to know who they work for, and what they know so far, and then they'll be useless to him. I informed the station chief here. He said he'd take care of it. That's all I know at the moment, sir."
"Keep us informed. You get some rest, Gunny. That'll be all."
"Yes, sir."
Gunny hung up, and I turned to the Admiral.
I asked the Admiral to let me help you two. I told him that I was sure I'd find you. I knew that in that state of mind I wasn't making a good impression on him, though. And he told me that he needed me there, that the CIA was in a better position to handle it.
I tried to get the Admiral to budge, but he was immoveable. He still denied me leave. There was no way in hell that I was going to leave you there and sit at JAG with my hands folded, waiting for news. So, I took off my wings and placed them on his desk and I told him that I was resigning my commission. Then I turned and left the Admiral standing there, stunned.
I went back to my office and grabbed a few things that I needed. Bud came up to me and asked me if everything was okay. I told him no, and that I was leaving for awhile. I didn't tell him that I was leaving JAG. But, he asked me how I managed to get leave when the Colonel was gone, and we were already short-handed. When I didn't answer him, I think he knew. Everyone knew that I'd been worried about you. It's not exactly like I tried to hide it.
"He didn't give you leave, did he? This is for good, isn't it, sir?" Bud asked, eyes widened with apprehension.
"I have to go find Mac. She needs me."
"But, sir--"
My letter went unfinished because, before I knew it the plane was only moments away from the airport. I folded the paper I'd written on, placed it in my jacket pocket, and gathered my overnight bag, readying myself to exit the plane as soon as possible. I still couldn't believe that I left JAG and the Navy. They'd been my whole life. My cell phone rang countless times, but I hadn't answered it. I felt kind of bad, not telling Bud or Sturgis where I was going. But, it was too late for thinking about all that. I was to meet Gunny at the hotel later today. From there all I knew was that I would find her, and I would save her - no matter what the cost.
End of chapter 3
