Int. Office. Day
We're in the office of a hospital. A mental institute if you will. MCU of Dr Noonan. He talks to people off screen.
Noonan: He's a monster. Do not pass him anything. If he writes anything, do not accept it. A nurse told him about a new sitcom on Channel 4... In half an hour, he'd written this.
Noonan hands a wad of papers to someone OS.
Noonan: His pulse never went over 85. Even when he wrote the Deus Ex Machina.
We now face Noonan's guests. Scavenger and Nightshade. Scavenger reads the paper whilst Nightshade fiddles with her badge.
Scavenger: Let's do it.
Int. A long dark corridor.
Scavenger and Nightshade walk down the corridor past various cells. Each holding a different person. Mark 'Chopper' Read, Rick Derris, Smeagol, etc. When they reach the final cell, they stop. In the middle of the cell stands Tyler Patrick Bateman Esq. Nightshade and Scavenger sit on the chairs in front of the cell.
Scavenger: Mr Bateman? I'm Lauren Scavenger and this is Dervla Nightshade.
Bateman: You're RDSS people aren't you? I must be very important if I am to receive a visit from the list mummies.
Nightshade: We're here to ask you something.
Bateman: Continue...
Scavenger: Why would someone write a sequel to something that wasn't their own work?
Bateman: Is that you want from life, Ms. Scavenger? Pathetic attempts to question me about F13: Hero? I remember when someone questioned me about In Tyler We Trusted, I ate his liver with a nice BBK.
Nightshade: Really?
Bateman: No, but it sounds good. I heard it in a movie. I mean, I'm just trying it on...
Nightshade: Look, Mr Bateman, we just want to know the reason? Why? Why use something that isn't yours? Shayne? JayVee? Why?
Bateman: Oh, I'll answer those questions, but only...
Scavenger: Only...
Bateman: Only if I can do it through experimental dance.
Bateman begins to prance around the room like a dickhead on E.
Nightshade jumps off her chair and storms off.
Nightshade: Fuck this.
Bateman continues.
Scavenger: Jesus! Bateman, we ask you for one little thing. A little sense of drama and you give us this shit.
Bateman stops.
Scavenger: Christ, you're weird.
Bateman: Flay away, Ms. Scavenger. Fly away. Fly, fly, fly...
Bateman disappears into the shadows of the cell. Scavenger shakes her head and runs after Nightshade.
All Mediocre Things...
"I remember when I left,
Without bothering to pack,
You know I up and left with,
Just the clothes I had on my back,
Now I'm sorry for what I've done,
And I'm out here on my own,
Well, it was the train that took me away from here
But a train can't bring me home."
Train Song - Tom Waites
"'Oh, what a piece of work is man, how noble...' Ah, fuck it! Let's have a drink and forget the whole goddamned thing."
Bart Newberry - Grosse Pointe Blank
"Some people can read War and Peace and come away thinking it's a simple adventure story. Others can read the ingredients on a chewing gum wrapper and unlock the secrets of the universe."
Lex Luthor - Superman
When Lister awoke he found to his surprise that he was in his old bunk bed, in his old quarters on board Red Dwarf. There were his favourite T-shirts hanging on his locker door, on the coffee table were Lennon and McCartney swimming in their tank and all over Lister's bunk were photos of Jim Bexley Speed. A couple of hazy seconds later and Lister remembered why he was here. They'd dimension jumped, hadn't they?
"Holly?" Lister cried jumping out of his bunk.
The mirror above the sink lit up to reveal two faces. One, a balding male and the other, a blonde woman.
"Alright, Dave?" they both said.
The Holly's took one look at each other and burst out laughing.
"Cor blimey!" the male Holly said, "We've been doing that for the past few minutes."
"Ha, well, that'll probably be down to the fact that you are the same person." Lister said.
"I know, but what are the chances?" the female Holly said.
"Look, where is everyone, Hol?"
"Oh, well, they're all in Dining Hall 12." Both the Hollys replied.
Lister was out of the door and racing down the corridors faster then you can say Gelf.
When he reached Dining Hall 12, Lister peaked his head around the entrance. As he did, he took a slight step back. Everything looked exactly like it did before Judas ever arrived. Nearly everyone was sat around a long dining table. Shayne and Kochanski were holding hands and the Cat was eating fish whilst JayVee watched in slight disgust. Most importantly though was that Rimmer and Kryten were there. Kryten was helping a group of Skutters serve food and Rimmer was goose-stepping up and down the room. Lister finally registered the silvery H on Rimmer's forehead and the look of disgust on his face whenever a Skutter should accidentally wheel through him. This was the old Rimmer. A mere shadow of the man Lister had fallen in love with. With a heavy heart and an even heavier sigh, Lister stepped into the dining room.
"Hey Bud! You're awake!" The Cat shouted.
Rimmer spun around and marched up to Lister. Lister was slightly taken a back by the fact that as Rimmer began to talk he was prodding his index finger through Lister's chest. How many years had it been since Lister had been on board a hologrammtic Rimmer?
"Right, Mi'laddo." Rimmer snorted, "You want to explain where you getting off throwing yourself through me! For God's sake Lister..."
"You... You know who I am?" Lister asked.
"Let's seeeeeeeeeeeee..." Rimmer replied, "Hamster cheeks, indescribable smell, a body that wouldn't look out of place in a Wes Craven flick... Yes, Listy, it's hard to mistake you for anyone else. Except maybe a fat bastard Chippendale. What the smeg is that pony tail about?"
"But..."
"Don't sound too surprised, Mr Lister Sir." Kryten interrupted, "Your friends have explained the situation. The Dimension Jump Drive, right?"
Lister sat down at the table and helped himself to a sausage roll from a plate passed to him by a Skutter.
"Yeah.... Yeah, that's right." Lister smiled. "So, what about you two? What's your story?"
Kryten dismissed the Skutters and sat down at the table as well. Rimmer stood behind the sanitation 'droid, arms crossed and a look of contempt on his face.
"Well, we have been waiting for you to wake up, sir." Kryten said. "Everyone has been most patient."
"Yeah," The Cat replied, "We don't know shit and you're taking beauty sleeps."
"Mr Cat, if you'll allow me..."
Kryten then began to tell the tale of this new dimension. Everything seemed to be exactly the same. Lister went into Stasis, woke up 3 million years later and met Rimmer's hologram and the Cat. The differences started a year later. The boyz had found themselves in a parallel universe where they met their female counterparts. Lister had slept with his and fallen pregnant. 6 months later they found Kryten's remains hanging off an asteroid. While heavily pregnant, Lister rebuilt Kryten. 3 months later, Lister died giving birth to his twin boys, Jim and Bexley.
"There were complications..." Rimmer said. "We tried..."
"I understand." Lister replied.
Kryten continued. The babies began to age at astonishing rate. They repaired the Holly Hop drive and took the boys back to their mother, Debbie Lister. The Cat had been a surrogate father to the boys and stayed in the alternate universe.
"In return for losing another crew member, we gained another." Kryten said.
"Who?" Kochanski asked.
"Me! That's who!"
The entire table turned to face a woman dressed in exactly the same clothes as Rimmer. In fact, everything about her reminded Lister of Rimmer.
"Arlene?!" The Cat and Lister said.
"Arlene here, couldn't face the prospect of sharing a ship with two children." Rimmer said.
"Holly and myself constructed a device that meant Red Dwarf could maintain two holograms." Kryten said.
"Most definitely. Why spend an eternity with Debbie and her brats when I could spend it with Arnie here."
Arlene patted Rimmer on the bottom.
"Have you been at the holo-gin again, Arlene?" Rimmer shuddered,
"Maybe I have, Maybe I haven't." Arlene slurred. "Why does it turn you on?"
Rimmer sighed and walked through the table to where the Cat and JayVee were sat.
"Mr Rimmer and Ms. Rimmer have a most peculiar relationship." Kryten whispered to Lister, "Mr Rimmer spends all day running from her, but by tonight... Well, let's put it this way, I am very curious to see if holograms can get pregnant."
Lister guffawed. Rimmer's nostrils flared and pointed an accusatory finger at Kryten.
"You wait, Rubix Cube Head." Rimmer shouted. "The minute I find a way to touch things, I'm going to carve my name into your back with a bazookoid."
The rest of the evening went by without any more threats of violence. Everyone got along and soon it was as if they'd all known each other for years. And in some way, Lister thought, I guess we do. At around half three, people began to disappear to bed. Lister stayed in the dining room and, despite insistence by Kryten, asked to be left alone.
This world isn't mine, he thought, Yet, I feel so at home here. The whole point of patching the Dimension Jump drive into Star Bug was so we could escape Red Dwarf and try and live a normal life. What if this is normal? What if Red Dwarf is my home? Look at all the pros... We won't have to scavenge anymore. The Dwarf is full of food to feed over 1000 crew mates. By the sounds of it, there's not been a true human being on board for about a year or so. There's loads of food. Could be a good thing to... If the look JayVee was giving Cat was anything to go by, we could have some little nipple biters running around. The cons... The cons are that Rimmer isn't here. I mean, he is here... But he's not truly here. He's Ace now. Maybe... Maybe, if we stay here there's more chance of Ace landing here. Hope springs eternal, eh?
Lister lit another cigarette and made his way back to his old quarters. Tomorrow, as the cliché goes, was another day. Lister had done a lot of running for about two years now. Maybe it was time to stop. Maybe it was time to settle down. Maybe he'll meet someone else.
Maybe...
Maybe...
Hell, the universe was full of possibilities. Why not? That night, Lister slept better then he had ever done in 8 years.
THE END
Thanks go out to Scavenger and Doe. Scavenger you're a star for letting me do this to your work. You ever feel like fucking with In Tyler we Trusted, it's yours. Doe, Sorry I stopped sending stuff to you. What can I say? I can be a bit of an arse sometimes.
8 reasons why this story is truly wrong
• Shayne's accent has disappeared.
• Kochanski got shoved to the back of the plot.
• As did the Cat.
• For a SLASH, there is surprisingly little sex.
• At the time of putting this last chapter up, it's only been reviewed once on ff.net.
• There's no action. It's all talking.
• Is the Bloodhound Gang really an appropriate band to start off a chapter to an angst fic.
• How many times do I use the word 'fuck'?
Ideas that weren't used
• JayVee and Ace were going to get it on. I did write the chapter, scrapped it. It is available in it's un-spellchecked, unoriginal, very shit format at tylerbatemanesq@yahoo.co.uk
• Ace's lightbee was to be recovered and despatched in Wildfire. Thus, it would be found by the crew in Floor 13 prt 2. Y'see... C'mon! That's clever stuff!
• Shayne was going to start have feelings for Judas and then the story was going to mainly focus on Kochanski and Shayne.
• Lister was going to have sex with Judas.
• Judas was going to rape Rimmer.
Major influences whilst writing this story
• Coffee - God bless Nescafe
• Tom Waites - If you haven't heard the album 'Rain Dogs', you haven't lived
• Seeing Limp Bizkit live in concert - Any one who was in the Manchester Apollo on 4th September, you missed your only chance to see me.
• Red Dwarf season 2 - It's all I've been watching.
• Lauren Scavenger - Bless her! She advertised my story on her site. Aaaaaw!
• Family Guy - Victory is mine!
• Hunter S. Thompson - Fear and Loathing on the Fan Fic trail '03.
• Doe - Some proper criticism really got my arse in gear.
• RDSS - You guuuuuuuuuuuuys!
• Jackass: the movie - Hi I'm Tyler Bateman and you've been reading Floor 13: Hero.
• Chad Kroger - As much as I hate him, if 'Hero' hadn't been on when I was reading the first Floor 13, then this story would never have happened.
• Chris Morris - For giving me an idea of who to base Judas on.
• Slipknot, Deftones and all the other bands I've been listening to.
• My ex - If I hadn't of spoken to you that time at my house, well, I wouldn't nearly be in touch with my emotions as I am now
Now, all of you, get the fuck outta here!
