Chapter Nine

Disclaimer: I never have and never will own the Harry Potter characters that J.K. Rowling has blessed us with. I really do find these to be quite a hassle. Oh well, C'est la vie.



Chapter Nine

~~**~~

Walking alone through the corridors, James ignored the occasional comments and greetings from the numerous painting on the walls. He was lost in thought, looking ahead but not really seeing. Why had he let himself lose it like that? What made him think that somehow things would just "fall into place?" Nothing ever worked that way. He descended a staircase, passing a group of third-years. While they laughed and chatted, walking up the stairs, he was trapped in his own mind. He could still smell vanilla, could still fell her in his arms, and even more vivid was the memory of her kiss.

His lips were still warm from hers. How could he have thought for one second that she cared? James ran his hand absently through his hair, a habit he would have for the remainder of his life. He would never be able to break it. His head was throbbing. Why had she responded to him if she only meant to push him away? More importantly, why did he care so much? Two years ago, would it have mattered? He doubted it greatly. James Potter, once conceited and bullying, now reduced to wandering alone down the Hogwarts corridors, fighting with the nagging voices that kept popping into his head and sulking about Lily Evans. Well, that's karma if I've ever heard it, he thought sullenly. Why do you care, James? He though he already had an answer for that question, though admitting it to himself might be a little difficult. Still, the voice continued. You care for her, James. Can't you see? You care so much that it's hard to think about. And maybe, just maybe, you -

"Prongs, hey, where are you headed?" Sirius's voice cut through his thoughts, and he glanced over his shoulder to see his friend walking jovially up behind him.

"Just walking," he muttered, glad to be free of his mind, for the time, at least.

"Right," Sirius laughed, "why didn't you warn me Pince was such an old bat? You'd think I'd started shouting off curses the way she ran me outta there!"

"What did you do?"

He shrugged as if to say, "who knows?" and grinned. "I had an admirer though."

"What are you talking about?"

"Laura Rosewood. Yep, I think she fancies me."

James let out a breath as they turned the corner, glancing at Sirius and saying, "Is that so?"

"Yeah. I'm thinking about seein' if she wants to go to Hogsmeade with me next weekend." He looked pleased with himself, but James continued to frown.

"What's wrong with you?" Sirius asked.

"Nothing."

"Thinking about Evans? I can see it written all over your face, mate. If I were you, I'd just-"

"You're not me," James said irritably.

Sirius raised his eyebrows, amused, "She's really getting to you."

"I know." Apparently his comment surprised Sirius, and resulted in a long bout of silence. After the moment had passed, Sirius said consolingly, "Just tell her, James."

"It's not that simple. Not everything is so easy," he sighed, "I'll talk to you later." He turned and went in the other direction, Sirius standing in the middle of the hall.

"Maybe I should have a little talk with darling Lily," he thought as he watched James walk away.

~~**~~

Lily rolled onto her side, listening to the bursts of laughter wafting up to the window as snowball fights waged below. It wasn't the best snow for such activities, but the students seemed to be making due. Her temples throbbed madly, and she grabbed a pillow and buried her head under it, blocking out as much of the sound as she could manage.

Several times she had thought about setting off to find him, forcing herself to tell him everything, hoping he would understand, but would only make it to the door before realizing she couldn't. He had glimpsed her without her guard, but that was her fault, wasn't it? She'd let him. And you let him into your heart as well, she thought. Now you truly have a problem, don't you? Because now it matters. He matters.

Lily let out a groan of frustration, sitting up on her bed, and feeling extremely torn. She could let down her defenses and let him in, along with the knowledge that every time he looked into her eyes he'd know what she was thinking, regardless of whether or not she chose to tell him. "He already knows, Lily," she thought. Or, she could avoid him the rest of the year and pretend like her heart wasn't screaming in pain whenever she did happen to run into him. "What wonderful choices," she muttered out loud.

"Or," a voice said," you could stop being an absolute idiot and tell the bloke how you feel. Can't do much harm."

"It might."

"I doubt it."

"Leave me alone."

"Why? So you can mope about? This is too entertaining."

Lily glanced up as Laura entered the room, grinning broadly. If it was possible, her head ached even more from her own inner arguments.

"Well that was certainly interesting," she laughed. Lily remained sitting on her bed, staring at Laura blankly.

"I think Sirius thinks I fancy him. He caught me, thanks to James, and I sat there talking to him for about an hour. Till' Madam Pince got a bit angry with us. Said the library wasn't for socializing."

Lily winced inwardly at the mention of his name, but Laura continued.

"Maybe I do sort of fancy him, now that I think about it," she grinned, "From Remus to Sirius, what a switch, eh?"

Lily nodded slightly, "It is." She rose to her feet, ""I've got to get out of this room for awhile."

Lily was exiting the common room as Sirius rounded the corner, flashing her a grin.

"I was just thinking, you know who I haven't talked to in a while?"

"Let me guess," Lily said brushing past him.

"Whoa, hold on, Evans. We need to talk."

"I cannot fathom what about," she sighed, "Sirius, this hasn't been one of my better days. I'm asking as a friend, just leave me alone."

"What is it with people wanting me to leave today?" He smiled, "Sorry, this is important."

"Is it about Laura? I really can't handle this right now. If you want to ask-"

"Wrong again, Evans. Just let me say my peace, then you can go on your merry, well, not really merry, but you can go on your way," he said.

She shot him a look but waited for him to continue. Seeing that she wasn't going to walk away, Sirius said, "It's about Jam-"

"No!"

"What?"

"No!"

"Why? You haven't even heard what I'm going to say, you're jumping to-"

"No!!" She began to walk quickly down the hall, but he followed behind her.

"Evans, Lily, hey! Listen to me!!" She'd turned a corner and was climbing a flight of stairs, Sirius trying to catch up.

"You're a stubborn one," he said, "but so am I. So I'll follow you through this entire castle if I have to, but don't you think it'd be easier if you just listened to what I have to say?"

Lily considered this, looking at Sirius, and then proceeded to walk into the girls' bathrooms.

He made to follow her, but decided it would be best not to. Outside the door, he let out a laugh. "Fine. Have it your way."

~~**~~

The snowfall had decided to take a break, having been exercising itself all morning. Lily made her way through the great oak doors, instantly chilled from the icy wind. The entire week it had continued to snow periodically, and now the ground was a glistening blanket of white. Her eyes adjusted to the bright glare as she continued to make her way across the grounds. This wasn't going to be easy. Not at all.

Her eyes picked up on James's tall figure; she could see the wind ruffling his dark hair as it blew past a tree near the lake, snow drifting along with its course. As she approached him, her feet made soft crunching noises on the ground, and he glanced back to see her as she joined him.

"What are you doing out here?" He remained focused ahead, even when he spoke to her.

"Attempting to talk with you, but you seem to be observing the lake." She could see her breath in the air, forming clouds as she exhaled. "I finished my book," she said quietly.

"But you won't tell me how it ends?"

Lily smiled slightly, "No." Her cheeks were already rosy from the chilly air.

"Of course."

"We need to talk," she said, "I've been avoiding it."

"So I've noticed. I apologized, Lily." He turned to look at her then, his eyes meeting hers with startling sincerity, "I don't know what more I can do."

"I don't want an apology," she said, "that's not why I'm standing out here in the freezing cold talking to you. I'm not after your contrition, James." He stared at her silently, watching her as her hair blew against her cheek, remembering the feel of her skin beneath his fingertips. Had that only been mere days ago? It seemed like a distant memory.

"I-" I don't think I can do this, she thought, "I don't need your regret."

"I can't give it," he said bluntly, "then what are you looking for? An argument? A way to pass the time?"

"No," she said angrily, "Will you just listen to me? Or are you too thickheaded to even do that?"

James relented, waiting silently for her to continue. The wind was picking up, it seemed, and he wouldn't be surprised if it began to snow again. As it was, a large majority of the students were heading into the warmth of their rooms, deciding the weather was getting too hard to ignore. One little Hufflepuff first-year abandoned her snow angel and made her way, friends in tow, to the school. Lily took in none of this. She was focused on James.

"Do you have any idea how unnerving it is to have someone simply look at you and feel like they can see straight into your…," she grasped for words, "Well, right into your soul? It's terrifying. When you build your guard up and someone comes along and crashes it down, and you realize that you didn't even see it coming." She let out a breath, folding her arms across her chest and shivering. "I didn't want to have someone see me. I didn't ask for it; it just happened and I didn't have a say in it."

"Lily," he began, but she refused to hear.

"I know, this doesn't make sense. I can't make it make sense. I've tried. There's no way to understand any of it," she said. Her eyes were shimmering, close to tears, but she held them back furiously, "You have no idea what it's like to try to protect yourself from pain and realize that it's only causing it," she sighed.

"Let it go for a while, Lily," he said gently, "you can't protect yourself from everything. Fate plays a larger role in life than you seem to think." He took her hands in his, his eyes on hers.

She let out a weak laugh, "Always an answer. Just once I'd like to see you falter."

He smiled softly, noticing that snowflakes had begun to fall once more, a bit of the powder catching in her hair. She leaned up to him then, and hesitating slightly, pressed her lips to his. Lily briefly forgot the cold and the uncertainties that seemed to lurk in her mind, and when she drew away to see his face, he was wearing an expression of astonishment, completely silent.

"Ah, so James Potter doesn't have a response to everything."

~~**~~

A/N: Sorry it has been a while since I've updated, but school has just started once again, oh joy and rapture abounds, and I've been fairly busy. So, will try much harder next time to update sooner!!!! I hope you liked this chapter and tell me what you think. Hehehe, I have plans brewing for the future. Big Plans. Oh, now I sound like Sirius. Sheesh. Haha. I get to do the fun adventure stuff soon. Yay! *hops around excitedly* So, till next chapter!!!