Chapter 5 - The Pain of Memories
The same routine was repeated for a second time, when I went back to the torture chamber the next day. I think I knew I was going to be here everyday from now on, but somehow I made myself believe they'd forget about me after a while. They'd get sick of me. They didn't get sick of me.
Bell Boy was there, as always. I was beginning to think he just got a kick out of torturing me. I didn't think that was too far from the truth, either. Bell Boy and his two mates brought the same 'less talk, more torture' attitudes with them again too. "Is it something in the water that makes you guys sycophants, or are you just really bored?" I thought I'd ask. It wouldn't hurt them to answer. It would more than likely hurt me to ask, but not them to answer.
"Be silent!" Bell Boy shouted, as though I couldn't hear him. The chamber itself made everything echo and sound ten times louder than it really was. His voice was already loud enough.
"Well, it's a simple question really," I said, "I just wanna know if you - "
Bell Boy had had enough, already. He thumped his bear sized fist across my face, nearly making me stumble to the ground. "Ok," I muttered, "maybe it's not so simple."
"Be silent!" Bell Boy's friends got in on the act.
"Yeah, I heard," I grumbled.
"Yet you persist!" guard number one shouted, proud of himself.
I nodded. I could see he was feeling pretty good about himself now, why spoil his party? Bell Boy took out his prized possession. The one thing I wished I didn't have to see again. That godforsaken plant. I still didn't know what it really was, or what it was made of, but whatever it was, it sure sent me for six. It was like being drunk and swallowing fire while taking a few quick and hard punches to the stomach. A fairly strong combination anyway. Much worse than anything I'd ever drank before. Bell Boy got his mates to hold me down again, and then he tried to force my mouth open, but there was no way I was willingly going to swallow that thing again. I clamped my jaw shut as hard as I could, until my teeth started to hurt, while Bell Boy tried to force my mouth open. His mates beat at my back with their whips and he tried everything he could to make me open up, but I wasn't giving in this time. The feeling I woke up with after the last time I'd swallowed that damned leaf was.well there was just no way I was swallowing it again. No way.
Bell Boy had his guards plant their hands on my shoulders, and he grabbed his own hands around my throat. He meant business this time, too. His grip was tight - strangling, to use exactly the right word. I tried not to let the lightness fill my head as air was ripped away from me, but I had no power against it. I quickly began to lose control of my senses. I could almost feel my skin-losing colour, as I lost air in my lungs. I was not going to have that leaf in my mouth. All I had to do was gasp for breath, and they would shove it down my throat again; I knew that. I wanted to breathe. I wanted to open my mouth to drink in just a little bit of air, but I wouldn't let myself.
I didn't have much more time before I was gone. I could still feel the almost distant whip lashes on my back. It didn't seem to hurt much anymore. It felt like my back wasn't even part of me. Like the sensations were detached and not actually part of my body. I didn't know why, but Bell Boy hung on tight to my throat. He didn't release his grip one little bit. Eventually, I lost consciousness.
***
Kayla nodded, taking note of the dark bruising still smudged like black and blue chalk around Colonel O'Neill's neck. She had been listening intently to his words as he spoke. Every single thing he said, she noted in her head and analysed. It all made sense to her, even though she didn't understand any of it. It was a contradictive statement, but it made sense to her. Everything this man described was horrible, but none of it seemed to track for her. Something about it seemed wrong. Didn't fit. "Janet, Sam," Kayla said finally, "can I have a moment alone with your Colonel?"
Sam didn't really understand why this doctor persisted in calling O'Neill, their Colonel, but she and Janet nodded simultaneously anyway. Both of them stood and left, wondering what Kayla would talk to the Colonel about.
"Colonel," Kayla said carefully, "or would you prefer I called you by your first name? I know I've already asked that, but I thought now might be a nice time to ask again." Kayla flashed her dazzling smile. She was a very personal doctor. She liked to know her patients well, and have them feel comfortable in her using their names, and visa versa. She wasn't sure Jack was comfortable with that, but she was willing to try to find out.
"Ok," Jack replied. He found talking still something he wasn't comfortable with, but somehow Kayla made it seem a little easier.
She nodded at his response, grateful that he was at least trying to recover. It was a good sign. "Good then," Kayla smiled again.
She felt happy now, in knowing Jack was comfortable with her using his name. If he was comfortable with that, hopefully he would gradually become comfortable with her, as a person. Kayla found when a patient was happy to be addressed by their first name; it was a step in the right direction. She wasn't sure why, but she'd always felt that way and always would.
"Now then, Jack," Kayla couldn't stop herself from smiling again. It always felt different using a patients' name for the first time. "I don't really know a whole lot about you, surprising as it sounds. Your file was extremely useless in the way of general information, as these classified files always are. Anyway, although your file may have been useless, you are in fact allowed to tell me about yourself if you feel comfortable doing so. I was wondering if you'd mind doing that? You, of course, don't have to tell me anything at all and if you choose to do that, I will feel no differently about you, believe me. I've had many rude patients in my time, and you are certainly not one of them, so I will hold nothing against you if you'd like to keep your personal life exactly the way it is; personal."
Jack listened silently to the soothing, smooth Irish accent of the doctor as she talked to him. Her voice seemed to draw a calm and light mood. She was friendly, cheerful and seemed to have a calming effect on people. Jack felt relaxed as she spoke, but still tense inside. He'd almost forgotten she'd actually asked him a question, until she reminded him. "Colonel?" Kayla slipped back into formality, hoping she hadn't bored her patient to death.
Although Jack was still distant from Kayla, he managed to respond. "Sorry," he apologised distractedly.
Kayla nodded and half-smiled, to herself more than anything. She watched Jack, looking away from her. She could see he wasn't looking away for a reason. To her, he just seemed distant. Kayla wasn't even really sure he was on the same planet as she was. "Are you feeling all right, Colonel?" Kayla asked the stupidly logical question, just to be sure. "Would you like me to call Janet back here for you?"
At the mention of calling the doctor, Jack shook his head quickly. "No," he replied solidly. "Sorry."
"All right then," Kayla smiled, she found it something she just loved doing. "Would you prefer to be left alone then? I'm going to be here as long as I'm needed, so I won't run away on you." Kayla chuckled to herself. Why she always felt happy, nobody had ever been able to quite figure out, but she made for a great companion, as well as a great doctor.
Jack shook his head at her question, however. Words didn't seem necessary, so Kayla merely nodded in agreement, and sat quietly by Jack's bed, watching him with her emerald green eyes.
For a long while, neither of them spoke. The silence reigned like a big white sheet over them. Kayla was contemplating leaving after nearly a whole half hour, before Jack spoke. "I wished," he said, his voice no louder than the soft rustle of leaves in Fall, "that they'd kill me, everyday. I've never wished anything like that before, except when my kid." Jack stopped - his expression saddening. The memory of Charlie's death hurt more than any pain he'd felt on P4C 237. "The funny thing is," he went on, pushing past the initial sad memories of his son, "they never granted me my wish. I asked them. Almost resorted to begging. I wanted to die there, in the end. I wanted them to kill me."
Kayla leant forward, her arms crossed over her knees. Sometimes being a doctor was a hard thing for her, but she was good at what she did. She knew she was. Perhaps it was presumptuous for her to know, but without confidence in herself, it would make her work all that much harder.
Jack's situation was strange, or it seemed that way to Kayla. He'd been held captive and tortured. Yes, this was something horrifying; he had every reason to be emotionally and physically scarred. Yet, there was an emptiness to his eyes that Kayla couldn't quite understand. Something that seemed far deeper than just what she knew. "I know this may seem like one of the stupidest questions anyone could ask," Kayla spoke, she wasn't sure if it was a good idea, but she felt she needed to ask, "but, aside from the obvious, were there other reasons for you wanting to die there? Something else you haven't talked about?"
This question seemed to silence both doctor and Colonel. Jack didn't know what to say now. He shouldn't have been that open with his thoughts and feelings. He had wanted to die there, yes, but no one else needed to know that.
"Can - can I be alone now, please?" he asked.
Kayla nodded, without a smile. "Of course," she said, quietly beginning to leave. Then she stopped.
Perhaps asking that question had been digging too far. Digging in places there was no dirt or sand.
//'You're in the arms of the angels
May you find some comfort here'//
***
When I woke up, I was alone. I hadn't been alone in a long time. It felt strange. As though I had all this space to myself, even though I knew I didn't. It wasn't my space. I didn't have my own space anymore. Any space I happened to be in, wasn't mine. The shadows cast around the room created a feeling of solitude. Of distance from people, from civilization. Not far from the truth really. There were only two windows in this chamber anyway, but they were both covered over with something. I couldn't really tell what, and I didn't really care. My lungs were tight and sore - breathing hurt. Probably my own fault, but it didn't matter. They'd be back soon enough. Back to resume my endless torture. What I'd done to deserve it all, I still wasn't entirely clear on, but I was sure they'd keep it that way. Truth be told, there probably wasn't a reason for any of it. They seemed to be having a damned good time. Too much of a good thing, isn't that what they say? That didn't seem to have any relevance to them though. Their fun was constant. Endless. Their fun was me.
Just as I'd predicted not two minutes earlier, Bell Boy and his mates returned. The endlessness of torture had returned. It was then I realised I was tied up. I don't know why it had taken me so long to figure that out, but my senses seemed to be damaged, my reflexes slower than usual. They brought their famous leaf again; Bell Boy and his mates. Always the same two mates, too. Seemed odd there would be friends sharing in the torture of someone, but then again, the whole concept of unjustified torture was pretty wacky too, so it didn't really account for anything. "You have awoken," Bell Boy stated, as though I were an animal being prepared for slaughter.
I kinda felt that way. "I have," my voice rasped weakly from my throat, a little more painfully than I had expected. I knew my neck was pretty badly bruised; it was tender enough for me to know without checking.
"Less fortunate for you," Bell Boy added in what he clearly thought was a jaunty tone. I had news for him; it was a long way from jaunty.
"I guessed that much," I sighed. It was going to be a long day. Much longer than I expected.
I'd heard something about Japanese or Chinese, can't remember which one, Water Torture before, I don't really remember where. I heard it was something like being locked in a room with a dripping tap and having no way of stopping it. The sound of the dripping eventually sent people insane, or something like that. So I'd heard anyway. The torture I endured wasn't quite the same as that, but there was water involved, if that counted for anything.
I was taken out into the village, open for everyone to see. It was so cold, so dark. It seemed to be winter all the time here. I was strapped to a wooden plank of some sort and it was flipped upside-down on some kind of pivot. At first, I had no idea what they were going to do while I felt the blood rushing to my head. Bell Boy had managed to shove his stupid leaf down my throat, and he seemed mighty pleased about that little achievement. I started to feel disorientated very soon after swallowing that damned plant, and I wasn't at all happy about it. I barely remember being strapped down on that plank. When Bell Boy flipped it, so I was upside-down, I nearly shared some of the contents of my stomach with them, but just managed to stop myself. I doubted very much there was a whole lot in my stomach to share anyhow. I was never fed. My head was spinning at a million miles an hour; I felt like I'd been knocked over the head with a baseball bat, way too many times. What I didn't realise in my dazed state, was that there was a trough of water below my head. When I did realise that, I also realised what they had planned.
For the next few hours, maybe less, maybe more, I was dunked like a tea bag into that trough of water. Sometimes for long intervals of up to a couple of minutes, sometimes just briefly, but enough to make me cough and splutter each time. Having already blurred senses, my reflexes seemed to follow suit. Taking a long breath before being thrown into a trough of water didn't seem to occur to me in the seconds before. I was close to losing consciousness several times, but just managed to hold onto enough air. I don't really know how. Bell Boy had a good laugh while he and his mates took it in turns to dunk me. It was a whole heap of fun for them.
Villagers walked by, seeing to their daily duties. A few of them stopped to have a look. I didn't expect any of them to help me, I knew they couldn't, but I wished they would. I swallowed so much water. I was thirsty, granted, but I didn't need that much. I think subconsciously I got used to it, and slowly began to adjust my breathing, but consciously all I knew was that my head was pounding so hard I was almost sure it would explode. It didn't, but it might as well have, because for the four days I was Bell Boy's tea bag. I nearly went insane.
***
Kayla couldn't seem to lift her feet from the ground. While she'd been standing, listening to Jack, someone had surely come and put glue on the bottoms of her shoes, for now she had no power to lift them. When Jack spoke, his voice seemed to be like a magnet, drawing people in to listen. Kayla lost her own voice, and was glued to Jack's, along with her feet being glued to the floor. Jack's face showed no expression, but his words said more than enough. Kayla wasn't sure what it was about the way he spoke, but tears had gathered under her eyes whilst listening.
O'Neill's graphic detail of what torture he had suffered through seemed to draw some strange emotion from Kayla. She rarely cried, and it was something she prided herself on. She hated to cry, it was totally against what she was about. She was a happy person. Always if possible. But when this man spoke, somehow it tugged an emotional string and rendered her unable to stop the tears from rising to her eyes. Kayla hadn't even cried when her parents were killed in a massacre at a shopping mall, two years after she'd finished high school. She was young then, younger than now. Of course, she had cried in the privacy of her bedroom. It was stupid to say she hadn't cried at all. But at the funeral, no tears had left her eyes. She'd kept her emotions hidden, appeared strong. It was how she liked it. And yet, when Jack spoke, there was something about his words. Something about what he said.
A long while went by, and Kayla stood still. Time seemed to stand still along with her. She'd never felt this way before. Never felt this strange emotional charge. It wasn't right for her to feel it, she never had before, but she couldn't stop it.
"I'll - " she started to say, but no more words followed. God, she thought angrily, why is this having such an effect on me? This has never happened before, and I've seen so many cases similar to this. Why is this happening? Why can't I control my emotions? Without trying to say anything else, Kayla left the Infirmary. She was having too much trouble with this. It wasn't supposed to work this way.
@
"Doctor?" A familiar voice drifted into the room. Kayla lifted her eyes from the pages in front of her.
"Major Carter," she acknowledged.
"Sam," Carter corrected lightly. "Is it ok if I come in?"
Kayla nodded. "Of course."
"I - well I just wanted to know what you'd - uhh,"
"You were wondering what I'd decided was wrong with your Colonel? There are very few other ways to word the question," Kayla smiled; she knew what Sam had been trying to do.
Sam nodded. She was grateful Kayla had been so gracious. "Yeah," the Major agreed.
"Well in response to your question, I haven't decided anything is wrong with him,"
Kayla said, a slightly drained sound to her voice. "In fact, I'm not certain there's anything wrong. I'm not certain of anything really, just yet."
"What do you mean there's nothing wrong? I don't understand."
"I can't explain it, really. I'm not sure of anything at the moment. I'm not finished here yet, though, so don't worry."
"Do you mean - " Sam started.
"I don't mean anything," Kayla stopped her. "It's all just hazy guesses for now, Major. I won't know anything for sure for a little while yet. I'm sorry. It's all very confusing."
"You're not wrong," Sam agreed.
Both doctor and Major managed small smiles. "I will inform you as soon as I feel I have something solid to go on," Kayla reassured Sam. Carter nodded. She knew.
"I'll leave you alone," she said.
Kayla watched the Major leave her guest quarters. "I don't know if I really want to be alone," she whispered to herself.
@
Sam stood by the door of the Infirmary for a little while, just watching her CO from afar. It seemed easier that way. His eyes were harder to look at when they were open. Now they were closed. Sam half-smiled to herself. He looked troubled and yet serene at the same time.
Why do I always think of him this way? Sam thought. Why do I always feel as though he's someone close to me? He's my CO, nothing else. Just my CO. O'Neill noticed Carter standing by the Infirmary door. He was tempted to say something, to let her know he was ok with her being there, but words just didn't seem ready for him. Or he wasn't ready for words. He wasn't sure. When Sam noticed her CO looking at her, she smiled and approached him. "I just came to see how - " Sam started to say, but stopped. She just came to see how he was doing? Isn't that what everyone said? Everyone said they were just coming to see how he was doing. Was Sam really just there to see how her Colonel was doing? Was that all? "I just came to see you, Sir," Sam corrected herself. She was there to see how he was, but she was also just there because she cared. Because she wanted to see him.
"I noticed," Jack said, managing a small smile for his second in command as he felt her eyes on him. He couldn't bring himself to look at her just yet, not that he really knew why, but he felt a little more comfortable talking to her now. That was at least something.
"Oh," Sam breathed, a little uncomfortably. Now she felt awkward. Maybe she shouldn't have come. At least her Colonel seemed a little more comfortable with talking to her. That was a good thing.
"Everyone's asking me how I am," Jack said, finally bringing himself to look up. "I never get to ask anyone how they are."
"You can ask me, if you want to," Sam offered, with a smile. She felt glad O'Neill had said that. It had stopped her from shoving her foot in her mouth by asking him how he was.
"How are you, Carter?"
"I'm good, Colonel. Thanks for asking."
Awkward silence. "I want to ask you how you are, Sir, but I'm afraid to," Sam confessed, sitting down on the bed next to her CO's.
"I'm ok, Carter. It's ok; I don't mind you asking. I'm used to it."
"I don't want to ruin you not minding me asking how you are," Sam said, "but, are you sure you're ok, Sir?"
"Where's Teal'c lately? And Daniel?" Jack changed the subject, because he didn't want to answer Sam's question. It was easier to change the subject than tell her he didn't want to answer. Sam got the message loud and clear. She didn't want to ruin this time they had, so she left it alone.
"I think Daniel is studying something, as always," she replied, "and I'm not really sure where Teal'c is. I haven't seen him."
"All too scared to come near me," Jack mumbled. He felt as though everyone felt that way. Stay away from Jack, he's psycho these days. "Don't blame them I guess."
"No one feels that way, Colonel," Sam said quickly. "We're all here for you."
"Yah," he murmured. Then silence encompassed them.
***
The same routine was repeated for a second time, when I went back to the torture chamber the next day. I think I knew I was going to be here everyday from now on, but somehow I made myself believe they'd forget about me after a while. They'd get sick of me. They didn't get sick of me.
Bell Boy was there, as always. I was beginning to think he just got a kick out of torturing me. I didn't think that was too far from the truth, either. Bell Boy and his two mates brought the same 'less talk, more torture' attitudes with them again too. "Is it something in the water that makes you guys sycophants, or are you just really bored?" I thought I'd ask. It wouldn't hurt them to answer. It would more than likely hurt me to ask, but not them to answer.
"Be silent!" Bell Boy shouted, as though I couldn't hear him. The chamber itself made everything echo and sound ten times louder than it really was. His voice was already loud enough.
"Well, it's a simple question really," I said, "I just wanna know if you - "
Bell Boy had had enough, already. He thumped his bear sized fist across my face, nearly making me stumble to the ground. "Ok," I muttered, "maybe it's not so simple."
"Be silent!" Bell Boy's friends got in on the act.
"Yeah, I heard," I grumbled.
"Yet you persist!" guard number one shouted, proud of himself.
I nodded. I could see he was feeling pretty good about himself now, why spoil his party? Bell Boy took out his prized possession. The one thing I wished I didn't have to see again. That godforsaken plant. I still didn't know what it really was, or what it was made of, but whatever it was, it sure sent me for six. It was like being drunk and swallowing fire while taking a few quick and hard punches to the stomach. A fairly strong combination anyway. Much worse than anything I'd ever drank before. Bell Boy got his mates to hold me down again, and then he tried to force my mouth open, but there was no way I was willingly going to swallow that thing again. I clamped my jaw shut as hard as I could, until my teeth started to hurt, while Bell Boy tried to force my mouth open. His mates beat at my back with their whips and he tried everything he could to make me open up, but I wasn't giving in this time. The feeling I woke up with after the last time I'd swallowed that damned leaf was.well there was just no way I was swallowing it again. No way.
Bell Boy had his guards plant their hands on my shoulders, and he grabbed his own hands around my throat. He meant business this time, too. His grip was tight - strangling, to use exactly the right word. I tried not to let the lightness fill my head as air was ripped away from me, but I had no power against it. I quickly began to lose control of my senses. I could almost feel my skin-losing colour, as I lost air in my lungs. I was not going to have that leaf in my mouth. All I had to do was gasp for breath, and they would shove it down my throat again; I knew that. I wanted to breathe. I wanted to open my mouth to drink in just a little bit of air, but I wouldn't let myself.
I didn't have much more time before I was gone. I could still feel the almost distant whip lashes on my back. It didn't seem to hurt much anymore. It felt like my back wasn't even part of me. Like the sensations were detached and not actually part of my body. I didn't know why, but Bell Boy hung on tight to my throat. He didn't release his grip one little bit. Eventually, I lost consciousness.
***
Kayla nodded, taking note of the dark bruising still smudged like black and blue chalk around Colonel O'Neill's neck. She had been listening intently to his words as he spoke. Every single thing he said, she noted in her head and analysed. It all made sense to her, even though she didn't understand any of it. It was a contradictive statement, but it made sense to her. Everything this man described was horrible, but none of it seemed to track for her. Something about it seemed wrong. Didn't fit. "Janet, Sam," Kayla said finally, "can I have a moment alone with your Colonel?"
Sam didn't really understand why this doctor persisted in calling O'Neill, their Colonel, but she and Janet nodded simultaneously anyway. Both of them stood and left, wondering what Kayla would talk to the Colonel about.
"Colonel," Kayla said carefully, "or would you prefer I called you by your first name? I know I've already asked that, but I thought now might be a nice time to ask again." Kayla flashed her dazzling smile. She was a very personal doctor. She liked to know her patients well, and have them feel comfortable in her using their names, and visa versa. She wasn't sure Jack was comfortable with that, but she was willing to try to find out.
"Ok," Jack replied. He found talking still something he wasn't comfortable with, but somehow Kayla made it seem a little easier.
She nodded at his response, grateful that he was at least trying to recover. It was a good sign. "Good then," Kayla smiled again.
She felt happy now, in knowing Jack was comfortable with her using his name. If he was comfortable with that, hopefully he would gradually become comfortable with her, as a person. Kayla found when a patient was happy to be addressed by their first name; it was a step in the right direction. She wasn't sure why, but she'd always felt that way and always would.
"Now then, Jack," Kayla couldn't stop herself from smiling again. It always felt different using a patients' name for the first time. "I don't really know a whole lot about you, surprising as it sounds. Your file was extremely useless in the way of general information, as these classified files always are. Anyway, although your file may have been useless, you are in fact allowed to tell me about yourself if you feel comfortable doing so. I was wondering if you'd mind doing that? You, of course, don't have to tell me anything at all and if you choose to do that, I will feel no differently about you, believe me. I've had many rude patients in my time, and you are certainly not one of them, so I will hold nothing against you if you'd like to keep your personal life exactly the way it is; personal."
Jack listened silently to the soothing, smooth Irish accent of the doctor as she talked to him. Her voice seemed to draw a calm and light mood. She was friendly, cheerful and seemed to have a calming effect on people. Jack felt relaxed as she spoke, but still tense inside. He'd almost forgotten she'd actually asked him a question, until she reminded him. "Colonel?" Kayla slipped back into formality, hoping she hadn't bored her patient to death.
Although Jack was still distant from Kayla, he managed to respond. "Sorry," he apologised distractedly.
Kayla nodded and half-smiled, to herself more than anything. She watched Jack, looking away from her. She could see he wasn't looking away for a reason. To her, he just seemed distant. Kayla wasn't even really sure he was on the same planet as she was. "Are you feeling all right, Colonel?" Kayla asked the stupidly logical question, just to be sure. "Would you like me to call Janet back here for you?"
At the mention of calling the doctor, Jack shook his head quickly. "No," he replied solidly. "Sorry."
"All right then," Kayla smiled, she found it something she just loved doing. "Would you prefer to be left alone then? I'm going to be here as long as I'm needed, so I won't run away on you." Kayla chuckled to herself. Why she always felt happy, nobody had ever been able to quite figure out, but she made for a great companion, as well as a great doctor.
Jack shook his head at her question, however. Words didn't seem necessary, so Kayla merely nodded in agreement, and sat quietly by Jack's bed, watching him with her emerald green eyes.
For a long while, neither of them spoke. The silence reigned like a big white sheet over them. Kayla was contemplating leaving after nearly a whole half hour, before Jack spoke. "I wished," he said, his voice no louder than the soft rustle of leaves in Fall, "that they'd kill me, everyday. I've never wished anything like that before, except when my kid." Jack stopped - his expression saddening. The memory of Charlie's death hurt more than any pain he'd felt on P4C 237. "The funny thing is," he went on, pushing past the initial sad memories of his son, "they never granted me my wish. I asked them. Almost resorted to begging. I wanted to die there, in the end. I wanted them to kill me."
Kayla leant forward, her arms crossed over her knees. Sometimes being a doctor was a hard thing for her, but she was good at what she did. She knew she was. Perhaps it was presumptuous for her to know, but without confidence in herself, it would make her work all that much harder.
Jack's situation was strange, or it seemed that way to Kayla. He'd been held captive and tortured. Yes, this was something horrifying; he had every reason to be emotionally and physically scarred. Yet, there was an emptiness to his eyes that Kayla couldn't quite understand. Something that seemed far deeper than just what she knew. "I know this may seem like one of the stupidest questions anyone could ask," Kayla spoke, she wasn't sure if it was a good idea, but she felt she needed to ask, "but, aside from the obvious, were there other reasons for you wanting to die there? Something else you haven't talked about?"
This question seemed to silence both doctor and Colonel. Jack didn't know what to say now. He shouldn't have been that open with his thoughts and feelings. He had wanted to die there, yes, but no one else needed to know that.
"Can - can I be alone now, please?" he asked.
Kayla nodded, without a smile. "Of course," she said, quietly beginning to leave. Then she stopped.
Perhaps asking that question had been digging too far. Digging in places there was no dirt or sand.
//'You're in the arms of the angels
May you find some comfort here'//
***
When I woke up, I was alone. I hadn't been alone in a long time. It felt strange. As though I had all this space to myself, even though I knew I didn't. It wasn't my space. I didn't have my own space anymore. Any space I happened to be in, wasn't mine. The shadows cast around the room created a feeling of solitude. Of distance from people, from civilization. Not far from the truth really. There were only two windows in this chamber anyway, but they were both covered over with something. I couldn't really tell what, and I didn't really care. My lungs were tight and sore - breathing hurt. Probably my own fault, but it didn't matter. They'd be back soon enough. Back to resume my endless torture. What I'd done to deserve it all, I still wasn't entirely clear on, but I was sure they'd keep it that way. Truth be told, there probably wasn't a reason for any of it. They seemed to be having a damned good time. Too much of a good thing, isn't that what they say? That didn't seem to have any relevance to them though. Their fun was constant. Endless. Their fun was me.
Just as I'd predicted not two minutes earlier, Bell Boy and his mates returned. The endlessness of torture had returned. It was then I realised I was tied up. I don't know why it had taken me so long to figure that out, but my senses seemed to be damaged, my reflexes slower than usual. They brought their famous leaf again; Bell Boy and his mates. Always the same two mates, too. Seemed odd there would be friends sharing in the torture of someone, but then again, the whole concept of unjustified torture was pretty wacky too, so it didn't really account for anything. "You have awoken," Bell Boy stated, as though I were an animal being prepared for slaughter.
I kinda felt that way. "I have," my voice rasped weakly from my throat, a little more painfully than I had expected. I knew my neck was pretty badly bruised; it was tender enough for me to know without checking.
"Less fortunate for you," Bell Boy added in what he clearly thought was a jaunty tone. I had news for him; it was a long way from jaunty.
"I guessed that much," I sighed. It was going to be a long day. Much longer than I expected.
I'd heard something about Japanese or Chinese, can't remember which one, Water Torture before, I don't really remember where. I heard it was something like being locked in a room with a dripping tap and having no way of stopping it. The sound of the dripping eventually sent people insane, or something like that. So I'd heard anyway. The torture I endured wasn't quite the same as that, but there was water involved, if that counted for anything.
I was taken out into the village, open for everyone to see. It was so cold, so dark. It seemed to be winter all the time here. I was strapped to a wooden plank of some sort and it was flipped upside-down on some kind of pivot. At first, I had no idea what they were going to do while I felt the blood rushing to my head. Bell Boy had managed to shove his stupid leaf down my throat, and he seemed mighty pleased about that little achievement. I started to feel disorientated very soon after swallowing that damned plant, and I wasn't at all happy about it. I barely remember being strapped down on that plank. When Bell Boy flipped it, so I was upside-down, I nearly shared some of the contents of my stomach with them, but just managed to stop myself. I doubted very much there was a whole lot in my stomach to share anyhow. I was never fed. My head was spinning at a million miles an hour; I felt like I'd been knocked over the head with a baseball bat, way too many times. What I didn't realise in my dazed state, was that there was a trough of water below my head. When I did realise that, I also realised what they had planned.
For the next few hours, maybe less, maybe more, I was dunked like a tea bag into that trough of water. Sometimes for long intervals of up to a couple of minutes, sometimes just briefly, but enough to make me cough and splutter each time. Having already blurred senses, my reflexes seemed to follow suit. Taking a long breath before being thrown into a trough of water didn't seem to occur to me in the seconds before. I was close to losing consciousness several times, but just managed to hold onto enough air. I don't really know how. Bell Boy had a good laugh while he and his mates took it in turns to dunk me. It was a whole heap of fun for them.
Villagers walked by, seeing to their daily duties. A few of them stopped to have a look. I didn't expect any of them to help me, I knew they couldn't, but I wished they would. I swallowed so much water. I was thirsty, granted, but I didn't need that much. I think subconsciously I got used to it, and slowly began to adjust my breathing, but consciously all I knew was that my head was pounding so hard I was almost sure it would explode. It didn't, but it might as well have, because for the four days I was Bell Boy's tea bag. I nearly went insane.
***
Kayla couldn't seem to lift her feet from the ground. While she'd been standing, listening to Jack, someone had surely come and put glue on the bottoms of her shoes, for now she had no power to lift them. When Jack spoke, his voice seemed to be like a magnet, drawing people in to listen. Kayla lost her own voice, and was glued to Jack's, along with her feet being glued to the floor. Jack's face showed no expression, but his words said more than enough. Kayla wasn't sure what it was about the way he spoke, but tears had gathered under her eyes whilst listening.
O'Neill's graphic detail of what torture he had suffered through seemed to draw some strange emotion from Kayla. She rarely cried, and it was something she prided herself on. She hated to cry, it was totally against what she was about. She was a happy person. Always if possible. But when this man spoke, somehow it tugged an emotional string and rendered her unable to stop the tears from rising to her eyes. Kayla hadn't even cried when her parents were killed in a massacre at a shopping mall, two years after she'd finished high school. She was young then, younger than now. Of course, she had cried in the privacy of her bedroom. It was stupid to say she hadn't cried at all. But at the funeral, no tears had left her eyes. She'd kept her emotions hidden, appeared strong. It was how she liked it. And yet, when Jack spoke, there was something about his words. Something about what he said.
A long while went by, and Kayla stood still. Time seemed to stand still along with her. She'd never felt this way before. Never felt this strange emotional charge. It wasn't right for her to feel it, she never had before, but she couldn't stop it.
"I'll - " she started to say, but no more words followed. God, she thought angrily, why is this having such an effect on me? This has never happened before, and I've seen so many cases similar to this. Why is this happening? Why can't I control my emotions? Without trying to say anything else, Kayla left the Infirmary. She was having too much trouble with this. It wasn't supposed to work this way.
@
"Doctor?" A familiar voice drifted into the room. Kayla lifted her eyes from the pages in front of her.
"Major Carter," she acknowledged.
"Sam," Carter corrected lightly. "Is it ok if I come in?"
Kayla nodded. "Of course."
"I - well I just wanted to know what you'd - uhh,"
"You were wondering what I'd decided was wrong with your Colonel? There are very few other ways to word the question," Kayla smiled; she knew what Sam had been trying to do.
Sam nodded. She was grateful Kayla had been so gracious. "Yeah," the Major agreed.
"Well in response to your question, I haven't decided anything is wrong with him,"
Kayla said, a slightly drained sound to her voice. "In fact, I'm not certain there's anything wrong. I'm not certain of anything really, just yet."
"What do you mean there's nothing wrong? I don't understand."
"I can't explain it, really. I'm not sure of anything at the moment. I'm not finished here yet, though, so don't worry."
"Do you mean - " Sam started.
"I don't mean anything," Kayla stopped her. "It's all just hazy guesses for now, Major. I won't know anything for sure for a little while yet. I'm sorry. It's all very confusing."
"You're not wrong," Sam agreed.
Both doctor and Major managed small smiles. "I will inform you as soon as I feel I have something solid to go on," Kayla reassured Sam. Carter nodded. She knew.
"I'll leave you alone," she said.
Kayla watched the Major leave her guest quarters. "I don't know if I really want to be alone," she whispered to herself.
@
Sam stood by the door of the Infirmary for a little while, just watching her CO from afar. It seemed easier that way. His eyes were harder to look at when they were open. Now they were closed. Sam half-smiled to herself. He looked troubled and yet serene at the same time.
Why do I always think of him this way? Sam thought. Why do I always feel as though he's someone close to me? He's my CO, nothing else. Just my CO. O'Neill noticed Carter standing by the Infirmary door. He was tempted to say something, to let her know he was ok with her being there, but words just didn't seem ready for him. Or he wasn't ready for words. He wasn't sure. When Sam noticed her CO looking at her, she smiled and approached him. "I just came to see how - " Sam started to say, but stopped. She just came to see how he was doing? Isn't that what everyone said? Everyone said they were just coming to see how he was doing. Was Sam really just there to see how her Colonel was doing? Was that all? "I just came to see you, Sir," Sam corrected herself. She was there to see how he was, but she was also just there because she cared. Because she wanted to see him.
"I noticed," Jack said, managing a small smile for his second in command as he felt her eyes on him. He couldn't bring himself to look at her just yet, not that he really knew why, but he felt a little more comfortable talking to her now. That was at least something.
"Oh," Sam breathed, a little uncomfortably. Now she felt awkward. Maybe she shouldn't have come. At least her Colonel seemed a little more comfortable with talking to her. That was a good thing.
"Everyone's asking me how I am," Jack said, finally bringing himself to look up. "I never get to ask anyone how they are."
"You can ask me, if you want to," Sam offered, with a smile. She felt glad O'Neill had said that. It had stopped her from shoving her foot in her mouth by asking him how he was.
"How are you, Carter?"
"I'm good, Colonel. Thanks for asking."
Awkward silence. "I want to ask you how you are, Sir, but I'm afraid to," Sam confessed, sitting down on the bed next to her CO's.
"I'm ok, Carter. It's ok; I don't mind you asking. I'm used to it."
"I don't want to ruin you not minding me asking how you are," Sam said, "but, are you sure you're ok, Sir?"
"Where's Teal'c lately? And Daniel?" Jack changed the subject, because he didn't want to answer Sam's question. It was easier to change the subject than tell her he didn't want to answer. Sam got the message loud and clear. She didn't want to ruin this time they had, so she left it alone.
"I think Daniel is studying something, as always," she replied, "and I'm not really sure where Teal'c is. I haven't seen him."
"All too scared to come near me," Jack mumbled. He felt as though everyone felt that way. Stay away from Jack, he's psycho these days. "Don't blame them I guess."
"No one feels that way, Colonel," Sam said quickly. "We're all here for you."
"Yah," he murmured. Then silence encompassed them.
***
