"Don't Let Him Out: A Farce"

A rant by; Adelphia Savanya Moore`

~inspired by John Cleese in "Fawlty Towers" (episode 10: The Anniversary)~

Rating: PG-13 (abuse of Mrs. Skower's, Parry Hwotter's foul mouth)

Written: Aug 16th, 2003

Summary: The final episode. Plenty of Mrs. Skowers to go 'round.

Disclaimer: I do not own them in a box, I do not own them with a fox, I do not own them while I'm bowling, they all belong to (that evil) J.K. Rowling. I love penguins - - - and homosexual hedgehogs. I also don't own Mrs. Skower's Magical Mess Remover, but I DO OWN the Convivial Hunting Horde, Fred's strainer, the Opium Rainbow Posse, the loud, angry, Japanese Techno in my armpit, Auto-Kadarvra, the foxy-ness of Ron's eyebrows, the broom that killed Mrs. Norris, all gallon jugs of Mrs. Skower's, Rufus Wainwright's bed, and the word "dollop" when used as a verb. I love penguins. Jovial.

Mr. Johnson (my English teacher, a 47 year old white male with blonde hair, a wife, and two young children): "Oh, I wish I were a black woman!!!"

I also have a roommate from Austria, and her nickname I Esa.

Esa: Fuck you. Fuck the phone. Fuck me. Fuck my boyfriend, and FUCK AUSTRIA!!!

Me: And I'll fuck Rufus Wainwright. There.

Esa: Problem solved. BANG! (she slams the phone back onto the receiver)

And now, without further adu, I give to you - - - - - - -

Homo-Erotic Urges

Malfoy, who was now referring to himself as "The Whacked," pronounced
"The Whack-ed," was in the lead of the Opium Rainbow Posse. Parry
Hwotter was a-dollop-ing on right behind The Whack-ed, occasionally
stepping on his heels. The wailing of the penguins could be heard
getting closer and closer and closer and closer and - - - - - - -

"I'm going to get you, my git-ies!"

~ * ~ * ~ Convivial Hunting Horde ~ * ~ * ~

Fred, in Crocodile Hunter voice, "Nawh, - - - we're closing in on the
specimen. See how strangely it runs? That's an after-effect of the
cookies they left a trail of. I never thought the house elves would
give away our recipe - - -"

"Stupid dirty goats!" George interjected.

"Quiet you!" Fred smacked him upside the head with a wooden spoon that
he had produced from somewhere inside Neville's ass. "Can't you see
I'm in the middle of a soliloquy?"

"Sorry, mate." George cowered. The power, stress, and responsibility
of being a natural-born leader was turning Fred into a right
dominatrix. Luckily/Thankfully, he had Lee Jordan to take it out on
later on in the evening - - -

"Anyway - - - we're closing in on Potter now. He appears to have a bit
of company, which I believe to be ickle Peeves and one of the ghosts.
He also appears to have roused a few drunken elves. There's also one
more bloke in the lead, but I just can't make out who it - - -"

"FILCH!!!" Ron bellowed, and jumped out of the suit of armor that he
was hiding in.

"Shut up, you stupid fuck!" Lee Jordan lifted the arm of the suit he
was disguised in, which happened to be holding a mace. "Get back in
here before we're discover- - -"

But then Jordan, too, jumped out of his suit and bolted down the
corridor after Ron's retreating backside. Fred and George peered down
the corridor, and sew, to their absolute horror - - - - - - -Filch.
He was holding a broomstick with something floppy stuck to the end of
it. He was huffing and puffing, and heading straight for them - - - -
- - - - -

~ * ~

Neville was already passing up Ron as he ran, "pumped up" by pure
adrenaline and fear. They could hear Filch yelling from the other end
of the hall, "I'm gunna get you for my kitty!"

Ron could see a lump of elves cowering at the end of the hallway. Some
eerie green light was coming from a window at the end of the corridor.
He couldn't make out what it was, but he knew it couldn't be good.
Anything green was never good. Unfortunately, his insatiable
curiosity made him draw closer.

There was a rushing and a howling as a figure was materializing from
the window. A bald head, big red eyes - - - flowing black robes, a
high, cruel, mirthless laughter came from the window as cold, pale
feet hit the floor, and with a soft "whoosh" were covered by a dark
cloak. He began to revolve slowly and materialize from his semi-
translucent form. The elves tipped over as one in a dead swoon.
Peevsie fell out of the air, and Hwotter stood dumbstruck. Malfoy
just stood there with his head cocked to the left, a line of drool
going down his chin. It was Mr. Riddle. At Last. Riddle-san.

(You were wondering when he was going to show up, weren't you? Well, I
figured, "It's the climax of the fateful tale! And it's not a Harry
Potter climax without Tommy, now, is it?" I figured, "I'd go out with
a bang! Whee! Fun-fun!")

Fred, George, Lee, and Neville came charging in right behind Ron.
Neville passed out, but nobody caught him, because he doesn't have
breasts; and Fred, George, and Lee only catch swooning bodies with
breasts. So there. Ha. No breasts for Neville Longbottom. Concussion.

Just then, Hermione, who had been trailing the Convivial Hunting Horde
the entire time, came bursting through a tapestry on a side wall, 30
feet from Hwotter and Riddle-san. Filch came puffing and huffing down
the corridor in a towering rage, waving his impaled cat hysterically.

Riddle pushed a button on his wand, and he stopped revolving. The
green light surrounding him shot out like lightning and struck Filch.
He dropped to the ground.

Ron's eyebrows went up, up, up - - - beyond his hairline.

The Riddle-slut looked over at Ron and - - - there was something about
those eyebrows. Something that made him stir - - - in his pants. "Oh,
GOD,- - - - - - - THOSE EYEBROWS!!!" He thought orgasmic-ly. He
paused, sending a simpering look Ron's way. He was SSSOOOOOOOOO
turned on right now -------

"NOOOO!" He screamed. He couldn't let his Homo-erotic urges stop him
from killing potter, like they had every other time! He couldn't let
the movement in his pants distract him! This was not the time for homo-
erotic pleasure.

Ron's jaw dropped. His eyebrows came back down - - - and furrowed - -
-

"AAARGG!" Riddle-san brought his fist to his head to clear it.
Unfortunately for him. He had is wand in his hand. It poked him in the
eye. But, even more unfortunately for him, his wand was on Auto-
Kadarvra at the time, and hilled him.

Hwotter wins.

THE END

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A/N: Good? I have an Idea for a follow-up. Tell me if you'd like it.
Hope you've enjoyed! Luv, ASM`