Author's Note: Simon/Kaylee ficlet for the LJ ff_friday challenge. May 15's challenge: something lost. Length: 778 words.
An Open Window
By Trisana McGraw
From his earliest years of childhood, Simon's life had been dictated by specific etiquette that ensured proper behavior by those of the upper class. There was a certain way they were supposed to live, and all that didn't follow it were pigs. People of his stature had to keep themselves composed; he'd sometimes been surprised by how much emotion he'd had to keep to himself, but he'd soon learned that he couldn't afford to make a fool out of himself.
When he'd first come aboard the ship, the others had made fun of his "stuck-up" behavior, but he hadn't expected any of them to understand except for Inara and possibly Shepherd Book (one never knew with that man).
He was fully aware of how much he had lost, years before, in order to safely smuggle River out of the Academy. His parents, for one, had let him know how disappointed and disgraced they were. The honor that came arm-in-arm with his job as head surgeon at the hospital had been erased in an instant, and people whose friendships he had valued were shamed to say that they knew him. Even the few who remained by his side were happy to see him leave.
When he was on Serenity, he gradually became a part of the ship's "family" while letting go of his own. Before he'd known it, he was planning crime, toting a firearm, and eating those go se rations as a regular meal – and he and River were happier than either of them had been on Osiris. To his secret delight, the others began to accept him; when Jayne let him actually touch one of his weapons, Simon knew that he'd made a huge accomplishment.
His change hadn't been entirely untroubled. At times he hadn't noticed how his behavior was shifting, but it hit him in a rush the day he found himself staring, disbelieving, at the man lying at his feet, blood gushing out of his stomach through the hole created by Simon's smoking gun. He'd killed the man to save River, but the deed had still shaken him to his core. He was a doctor; he was supposed to save lives, not take them! He'd lived by that code all of his life, and now it had been tossed into the black.
Mal had seen him run into the bushes to vomit, but thankfully the captain hadn't told anyone about Simon's weakness. Unfortunately, Simon's revulsion at his first killing had shown clearly on his face. He'd been dreading jeers and teasing from the crew, which he knew he couldn't handle. However, he'd made enough of a space for himself that everyone, even Jayne to an extent, had given him some sympathy and time to think for the new few days, and he had been immensely grateful for that.
Kaylee had been the first to bring him back. She understood some of the dilemma he was going through because of what he had explained to her on Canton: The only way for him to show his real feelings was by following the proper discipline.
Somehow finding a way to get under his skin, she got him to admit that he thought he was nobody now that he had left his home. Then she made him realize the truth: He was defined not by what was expected of him but by what he actually did. Somehow he had known this, deep down, but he had been raised to, he was ashamed to admit, take most things at face value.
"You're Simon Tam, a great doctor and a brave man," Kaylee had told him, her fingers intertwined with his and her eyes wide and honest. He'd kissed her then, and he'd realized that he was no longer the Simon Tam he had been before River had gone to the Academy; he was a million times better than that pompous surgeon.
If his father had been there, he would have lectured until he was blue in the face about the proper way for men to show their affection for women. There was an elaborate courtship involved, with lies layered upon lies; somewhat like Inara's profession, as Mal had once pointed out.
But with Kaylee, things were so different, and Simon mourned what he had been missing all his life. She didn't expect him to display a certain behavior. With her, his "proper" exterior melted away and he was simply just a man loving a woman. She let him forget the strict etiquette he'd been taught and follow his heart.
He had lost his old life forever, but in return he had gained someone to share his new life with.
