Author's Note: Here's another meta-humor fic, written for the LJ ff_friday challenge. Partly inspired by puffgirl_two's fic The Meeting. In case anyone can't figure it out (I don't really watch these shows I'm parodying), the shows are Fastlane, Joe Millionaire/For Love or Money, and Paradise Hotel. June 19's subject: change. Length: 766 words.
Take Two
By Trisana McGraw
FOX executive #1: All right, Mr. Whedon, we'll give your show one more chance, but there are some changes that just have to be made.
Joss [wary]: You already made me completely rework the pilot. What more do you want?
FOX executive #2 [hands Joss stack of paper]: You see, we want Firefly to fit in with our other shows. If you follow our plans, Firefly can be more like the FOX programs that actually stayed on the air.
Joss [reading papers]: You've got to be kidding me!
FOX executive #1: Don't worry, that's only the first plan. We have many more here; at least one should be workable.
* * *
[Mal, wearing tight leather pants and nothing else, struts on-screen and perches on the side of a car, his arms crossed over his chest and a moody expression on his face, his eyes hidden by dark sunglasses.]
[His buddy, Jayne, also wearing sunglasses, rides in on his motorbike.]
Jayne: What's up, Mal?
Mal: Boss wants us to infiltrate a high-powered crime ring, steal some valuable goods, and have an adrenaline-pumped car chase full of explosions on the way back to headquarters. The usual.
Jayne: Heh. What's she gonna do while we're out riskin' our necks?
Inara [appears, wearing a one-piece leather bodysuit]: I'll be interrogating the cat burglar that's been fooling the police for the last couple of weeks. Maybe she'd join our side.
Mal: How do you plan to do that?
Inara: Getting in's the easy part, but I have a feeling that to gain her trust I'll have to make out with her in a hot tub. She's a lesbian, by the way.
[Mal and Jayne's mouths are hanging open.]
Mal [regaining his composure]: Well, Jayne, let's go and further this weak plot. We're takin' my car.
[Inara watches as they hop into Mal's car – which has Serenity emblazoned in silver letters on the side – and speed off while "hip" music plays.]
* * *
[Badger, as the Butler, stands in front of the camera, wearing his bowler hat and holding his hands behind his back.]
Badger: Just a few weeks ago twenty lovely ladies arrived at the Tam residence on Osiris to win the affections of Simon "I'm not good at talking to girls" Tam. What this wealthy young doctor doesn't know is that the woman he chooses to marry gets a million credits. In the first half of the two-hour finale, there are just three women left to fight for Simon's heart. Will he choose country mechanic Kaylee Frye, rich Banning Miller from Persephone, or Osiris' own pretty but not-quite-there River (who is actually his sister, though he doesn't know it)?
* * *
Announcer: We have quite a diverse bunch of passengers on this ship. Their homes vary across the universe, but they have come here for one reason: to hook up, or get kicked into space.
First we have Malcolm Reynolds, Mal for short, a strong, silent type who hasn't "been" with a woman for awhile. He does, however, seem to have already developed an interest in the prostitute – er, Companion, Inara Serra. Since the first episode, they've been trading snippy remarks, which the viewers are taking for a bunch of UST. According to the rules, when someone is kicked off, another person comes on the ship, and Inara's been "getting to know" with any and all of the new male members. When River Tam was kicked off a few weeks ago, a mysterious woman going by the name of "Saffron" joined the crew, and already viewers can sense heat between her and Mal.
Then there's Mal's polar opposite, Jayne Cobb, a man whose motto is "whenever, wherever, whoever." The ideal matchup for Jayne would be the very "experienced" Kaywinnit Lee Frye, but Kaylee, as she likes to be called, seems to have her eyes on the prim and proper Doctor Simon Tam from Osiris. Simon seems to return Kaylee's interest, but in the early part of the show most of his attention was taken up by caring for his little sister River. Now that she's off the show, prepare for Simon/Kaylee sparks to fly!
Zoë and Wash are happily married and have no idea why they got on this ship, as they're already bound to one another. However, they have more sex than the rest of the passengers combined, so they may outlast everyone.
There was a preacher – or maybe he wasn't – Anyway, "Shepherd" Book got kicked off in the first show, because, after a long and rather repetitive questioning from Jayne, he claimed that he was celibate.
* * *
FOX executive #2 [smiling complacently]: Now that's entertainment.
