UNCEASING

Could I have stopped it if I wanted to?  Wasn't there some way to keep this wave and rush of feelings at bay?  Should I abandon my emotions like a sinking ship and treat Dorothy as though she were no more than a talking appliance?  Maybe it wouldn't be so bad, to be more of a father figure towards her like Norman.  But then she awakens a different kind of soul in me that won't let her out of my sight or mind.

~

While I knew that our moment together in Dorothy's obscurely hidden room would not be interrupted, it had to end.  Maybe it was pity, holding me, wrapping her arms around me.  And maybe it was lust, holding her, pressing us together.  It was definitely heaven standing there, wanting more, but content with what I was given.  Of course, if Dorothy had given herself to me, she would have said so in concise, unquestionable words.  Body language and gestures, the most human languages, were her ways of humoring me. 

In any case, I had the feeling that she was getting restless, if such was possible for an android.  After all, she may have all the time in the world.  Yet my hands slid to her lower back and broke away.  I reached for her arms and slid to her hands, cradling them between us.

"Even if you think you have all the answers right now, I would like it if you would spend some time thinking about my feelings and yours."

Her head tilted at a questioning angle, "You mean to say that my initial answer was not to your liking?"

"I'm sure you've thought a lot about this, but it doesn't seem like you've understood the depths of my feelings or even factored your own in at all."  There was no reason to sound desperate, but I didn't want our conversation to dissipate so soon and with so little progress.  Her head sunk back down to look at our hands.

"I should ask Norman for advice."  She said, confirming my suspicion that my unwed, meddling butler was counseling her.

"Ahem," I made a coughing sort of sound, "Norman's done enough matchmaking since your arrival to last a decade.  Just think about things and if you have a question, then ask me."  Embarrassing myself is likely to be less detrimental to the situation than keeping Norman informed.

"Why do you love me?"  She asked, looking back up at me, straightforward this time.

Could I have stopped it if I wanted to…

"That was fast…" She has thought a lot about this, and I would really rather she didn't go and ask Norman why I love her, "Because you're exactly what I want and need."  I said, smiling affectionately at her.

"Even if you're not being serious you could be more specific."  Not at all used to a charming side of myself, she took it sarcastically.

"Don't worry about it, you're perfect."  I said, waving it off.  "Off of the subject, what do you want to do once you've paid for the negotiation services?  You never put a time limit on how long you wanted me to protect you."

"I do not know what I would do after repaying my debt to you.  Though I am sure that there is no longer a threat to protect me from."  Dorothy reasoned.

Very literally, in terms of time, I told her, "Well, stay here for as long as you want to."

With that, I left the room in no particular direction, really just wandering around, in case it would help me think.

…Wasn't there some way to keep this wave and rush of feelings at bay…

As much as I feel sorry for myself, I feel sorry for Dorothy.  I've had my share of "romantic" experiences and I'm familiar with the idea.  Dorothy, while very well programmed as far as I can tell, probably hasn't even been operating for half of a year.  As long as the citizens of Paradigm City continue in their quest for knowledge Dorothy will operate for an unpredictable number of years after I'm gone.  But being around me is making her grow up fast, I can tell, I'm just not sure if it's a good thing or not.  And since it really doesn't suit me to be so love struck I'll spare her and try to go about my business as usual. 

…Should I abandon my emotions like a sinking ship and treat Dorothy as though she were no more than a talking appliance…

Maybe I don't feel sorry for myself exactly, ashamed rather.  It seems so perverse to be lusting after her.  I know that in a sense she isn't real.  I've seen what she looks like completely stripped down and should be left with no fantasies to entertain.  She looks like a series of shells linked together, holding wires and gears as if they were pearls destined to never see the light.  But that's not what I think when I see her whole, moving around; I think of her as a kind of super human, rather than a super machine.  Still, she isn't, although I do confuse the two occasionally, when she performs some feat of balance, achieves heart in her playing or has an insight that she could have overlooked.  But she shouldn't be affecting me this way.

Angel stopped by yesterday, in one of her lonely secretary outfits, wanting to tell me about the continued existence of Schwarzwald and a project that may in the future require my help.  She was as charming as ever and once she left me to my office, I found myself thinking over the possibilities of meeting her in a less formal setting.  And as though they were analogous Angel slowly turned into Dorothy, who had interrupted our meeting shortly for coffee.  Angel and I were sitting on facing couches when Dorothy leaned over with her tray to serve us both.  From my position I could perfectly see all of her curves despite the bland form of her dress.  While Dorothy is not as well endowed as Angel, she replaced her with ease in my mind and I soon found myself out of breath.

~

This morning I found it's hard to keep up this indifference; I don't know how she does it.  Now that she knows, I keep looking.  Like suddenly she'll be endowed with human emotions and understand why I keep looking.  I wonder if I'm making her nervous, even if I am, misery loves company.  I decided to act normal, but now I wonder about that too.  How "normal" was I acting before that nerve wrecking night?  I look again, if only for a moment.

How subtle was I when complimenting her so much in our first meeting, flirting through meals and asking after her between cases and outings?  How much of me, Roger Smith, really was distant and aloof even to the other residents of the mansion?  Another quick glance is awarded while she is still sipping her tea, thinking who knows what. 

I don't know if I'm obsessing over an insignificant piece of the puzzle, but that night Beck controlled Dorothy still bothers me, not just what she said or did either.  Why did Beck do it?  While Dorothy doesn't exactly embody ferocity, it's true she could have hampered his plans to kill me.  But even so, why use her to do it?  Why not just summon the "Beck Victory Deluxe" to squash us like he eventually tried to?  Why bother with her software when he could have shot me?  Why was that devastating scene better to Beck?  Does even Beck really realize what Dorothy means to me?  Then, was I ever acting as though she was no more than a client paying through house cleaning?  But Dorothy doesn't act like a housemaid either.  She sits with me at meals even though Norman doesn't.  Just like now, and I look to see that she is communicating to him without words and they share a slight smile as he pours her a little more tea. 

…Maybe it wouldn't be so bad to be more of a father figure towards her like Norman…

Dorothy comes with me on cases occasionally and sometimes just sits with me to talk on the balcony.  She is no ordinary housemaid.  If we all have a part to play and are destined to play that part, there is nothing to say we can't play it poorly I suppose.  And even though I long to return to the tension that was my unspilled heart, I can't.  I must find some way to return normalcy to my life.

"Roger, are you going to let your breakfast get cold even after I woke you up?"

"You know you enjoy playing the piano whether it wakes me up or not, so what's with the attitude?"

"I don't think it's productive to spend breakfast staring at me when you should be eating."

So I've been caught.  "I was just wondering if you'd given any thought to what I said last night."  I told her, keeping it vague.  I just hope she takes a cue from me for once and either says nothing or is tight lipped about it.

"If you mean, have I come to a conclusion as to how I feel about you given that you love me, then no."

"R. Dorothy Wayneright!"  Damn it!  What did I do to deserve this embarrassment?  Not that I think Norman would use the information against me exactly.  But I know this is like his secret wish, to have the two of us talk openly about our precarious relationship.  I should have stayed in bed despite the concerto and to spite the android across the table who mocks me.  She may not have many emotions or know how they affect people, but she's not stupid.  She knows that our conversations about love and other emotions are private, and not open discussions. 

I can see Norman's smile even though I am not facing him and I have a terrible urge to flee the scene. 

…But then she awakens a different kind of soul in me that won't let her out of my sight or mind…

"Norman, there are some repairs to the Big O that you said you needed help with, correct?"  Dorothy questions to the surprise of Norman and I.

"Quite right." Norman says, scuttling into the kitchen to clean it up first.

Dorothy follows with her teacup and I am momentarily worried that they are in a hurry only to talk behind my back about what a mess I've become.  But when she is directly at my side, Dorothy looks in my direction and I know that she wouldn't.