Chapter 19
"This was a mistake."
"What?"
"Us, this, it was a mistake. We shouldn't have done this."
"How can you say that. You love me, I love you."
Silence.
"You chose Kelso. You should be with him." Steven looked over at Jackie lying beside him in the bed. After making love she had cuddled up in his arms, with her head on her chest, fingers playing on his chest. He wanted to enjoy but all Hyde could hear in his head was "I chose you Michael."
"Do you even want to know why I said that?" Jackie had felt Steven stiffen up and withdraw from her a few minutes afterward making love. No cuddling or joking, just silence. She wanted to go back to cuddling and being together. She sat up in bed, beside him to look him directly in the eye.
"Whatever"
"God, I hate when you say that. It is the most, most dumbass thing to say. It's not whatever, because whatever means that you don't care and it isn't important. It is important, and you know you want to know." Jackie pauses to look at Steven, "I'm not in love with Michael. I'm in love with you. I wanted Michael to stop pretending he wanted me because he doesn't. He was my first boyfriend but not the last. You're my last boyfriend."
Up until now Steven hadn't been looking at Jackie. He was attempting to do the trick where he tuned out her voice but in the past year he had lost the ability. Now, he had to listen to her and she wouldn't shut up. How did he use to get her shut up? Oh yeah, he kissed her. Well, not going that route again.
"Steven are you listening to me?"
"I can't seem to help it," he mumbled under his breathe. Before he could say more Jackie turned, swung her leg around so she was sitting on his lap, looking into his eyes. He didn't let himself look down because then all he would see is her body but he couldn't look in her eyes either. Hyde looked over her shoulder at the wall. She cupped his face with her hands.
"I love you Steven. I don't want Michael or anybody else. Just you. Am I sorry I said what I said in front of you, yes but-oh I don't know. It was kind of, like, making us even. Does that make sense?" She looked at him questioningly.
"Telling me you chose Michael was a way to get even with me?" He lifted her up and off his lap. "What the hell does that mean? You get your kicks out of deliberately burning me? What kind of weird Jackie logic is that?" Steven got out of bed in search of his boxers, he didn't need his heart broken again.
"No, Steven, you don't understand. A part of me wanted you to hurt like I did. From when you cheated on me to lying to me about it to making me fall back in love with you and not telling me." Getting out of bed, Jackie grabbed him by the arm. "Neither of us is leaving again. I love you, you love me. It's not complicated."
Steven turned to look at her, first at her hand gripping his arm then look into her eyes. He was trying to find where she was playing him, that it was some great cosmic joke. The possibility of happiness right in front of him but the rug was going to be pulled out.
"Just me," he said quietly. Jackie stood on her tip toes and gently kissed him.
"Just you. Only you. Trust me, Steven. I'll never leave you."
They stood there staring at each other for what seemed hours though it wasn't. Jackie waiting for him to answer, he was what she wanted. No one else. They still had things to resolve but the basis was they would make it work. He just needed to believe.
Steven stared at her trying to make a leap of faith. He thought of what life without Jackie would be. He could see himself, ten years in the future, alone and the quiet. The quiet would be the worse. Jackie brought noise and chaos to his life, good noise and chaos, that at the end of the day he couldn't live without and didn't want too.
He couldn't think of anything witty to say so he simply leaned in to kiss her. A soft, moist kiss through which he insert all his emotions from love to joy to the scared sick feeling in his stomach when he thought about her leaving him again.
"Oh Steven," she smile up at him when they broke apart. That big smile which gave him the feeling of being the center of her world. He wasn't going to mess this up again.
"I love you Jackie."
"I love you too" she smiled at him and he lifted her up.
"Whatever," he said with a smile as they feel back onto the bed.
"Yeah," she laughed, "whatever." Both knowing it not whatever and never would be.
"This was a mistake."
"What?"
"Us, this, it was a mistake. We shouldn't have done this."
"How can you say that. You love me, I love you."
Silence.
"You chose Kelso. You should be with him." Steven looked over at Jackie lying beside him in the bed. After making love she had cuddled up in his arms, with her head on her chest, fingers playing on his chest. He wanted to enjoy but all Hyde could hear in his head was "I chose you Michael."
"Do you even want to know why I said that?" Jackie had felt Steven stiffen up and withdraw from her a few minutes afterward making love. No cuddling or joking, just silence. She wanted to go back to cuddling and being together. She sat up in bed, beside him to look him directly in the eye.
"Whatever"
"God, I hate when you say that. It is the most, most dumbass thing to say. It's not whatever, because whatever means that you don't care and it isn't important. It is important, and you know you want to know." Jackie pauses to look at Steven, "I'm not in love with Michael. I'm in love with you. I wanted Michael to stop pretending he wanted me because he doesn't. He was my first boyfriend but not the last. You're my last boyfriend."
Up until now Steven hadn't been looking at Jackie. He was attempting to do the trick where he tuned out her voice but in the past year he had lost the ability. Now, he had to listen to her and she wouldn't shut up. How did he use to get her shut up? Oh yeah, he kissed her. Well, not going that route again.
"Steven are you listening to me?"
"I can't seem to help it," he mumbled under his breathe. Before he could say more Jackie turned, swung her leg around so she was sitting on his lap, looking into his eyes. He didn't let himself look down because then all he would see is her body but he couldn't look in her eyes either. Hyde looked over her shoulder at the wall. She cupped his face with her hands.
"I love you Steven. I don't want Michael or anybody else. Just you. Am I sorry I said what I said in front of you, yes but-oh I don't know. It was kind of, like, making us even. Does that make sense?" She looked at him questioningly.
"Telling me you chose Michael was a way to get even with me?" He lifted her up and off his lap. "What the hell does that mean? You get your kicks out of deliberately burning me? What kind of weird Jackie logic is that?" Steven got out of bed in search of his boxers, he didn't need his heart broken again.
"No, Steven, you don't understand. A part of me wanted you to hurt like I did. From when you cheated on me to lying to me about it to making me fall back in love with you and not telling me." Getting out of bed, Jackie grabbed him by the arm. "Neither of us is leaving again. I love you, you love me. It's not complicated."
Steven turned to look at her, first at her hand gripping his arm then look into her eyes. He was trying to find where she was playing him, that it was some great cosmic joke. The possibility of happiness right in front of him but the rug was going to be pulled out.
"Just me," he said quietly. Jackie stood on her tip toes and gently kissed him.
"Just you. Only you. Trust me, Steven. I'll never leave you."
They stood there staring at each other for what seemed hours though it wasn't. Jackie waiting for him to answer, he was what she wanted. No one else. They still had things to resolve but the basis was they would make it work. He just needed to believe.
Steven stared at her trying to make a leap of faith. He thought of what life without Jackie would be. He could see himself, ten years in the future, alone and the quiet. The quiet would be the worse. Jackie brought noise and chaos to his life, good noise and chaos, that at the end of the day he couldn't live without and didn't want too.
He couldn't think of anything witty to say so he simply leaned in to kiss her. A soft, moist kiss through which he insert all his emotions from love to joy to the scared sick feeling in his stomach when he thought about her leaving him again.
"Oh Steven," she smile up at him when they broke apart. That big smile which gave him the feeling of being the center of her world. He wasn't going to mess this up again.
"I love you Jackie."
"I love you too" she smiled at him and he lifted her up.
"Whatever," he said with a smile as they feel back onto the bed.
"Yeah," she laughed, "whatever." Both knowing it not whatever and never would be.
