Use Me

By Mileena

An: uhm. OOC Nazis back off. My story. Hmmm. I don't believe in ratings, but you rating Nazis. This may escalate from R TO HIGHER so you little *oh that's so not Johnny* nazis blow me. Uhhh. I don't own anything in here except Mazzy and Iries and this plot. The chair I own on I don't even own, It's my granma's who I have lovingly nicknamed Grandma Hatey for her mean-ness The only thing I own that's on/with me right now is my jewelry and clothes. See. Don't sue you mean evil nazis.

AN2: This was written because its something similar along the lines of what just happened to me...only soo very much has been changed *stabs herself* Wow. I used a lot of "Nazi' in my speech.

Oh and I think this may be my first chaptered Johnny fic. Go Me!

--Mileena

Chapter six synopsis- Ha! You think I kid. Its not all that much detail, but I know the ending of this story, and I *know* you all will love it. (Immature bitches, please...leave my story. I don't like you)

Chapter six- Weee the PG sex chapter

(PRESENT)

"I could kill her." Pepito speaks as I watch the last burning flames of this package. I hear Squee faintly whisper something of "Leave him alone." Or something of that nature, but I ignore I didn't

Hear it. "Johnny?"

"No, Pepito."

"Okay."

"When do you go home?" I ask the both of them. They don't need to see me like this, no one does.

"Well. There's only a few days left of school. During the summer, Pep and I just hang around here, crashing on the couch and all. That's why your fridge is so stocked and stuff." Squee hints, he

Had been supporting himself here the whole time? I look at the both of them, and it's like I can hear Pepito in my head.

'You're more than a dad even when away then his own.' This whole fucking time this kid had been raising himself. The fluff in his shoelaces was a fond memory of when he at least had me telling him bed time "stories."

"Todd, tomorrow night, locate a paper your "father" has signed and I will go down the courthouse and get you signed over to my care. There isn't a thing in the world that your dad can do about it."

Wait a fucking second

This wasn't me.

It was too late, I had already proclaimed somewhat of a promise, and the light in this kids eyes burned bright. Pepito looked proud of my decision. "I wont go down for a few days, I have to get things prepared, but don't worry." He seemed well enough even if I did fail as a parental figure. I sat down on the stained carpet as if the WB-esque moment was over; they turned their attention back to the television.

(PAST)

"I hate you, Johnny C"

Her voice bit me had. Only once had I heard her voice so hateful and it she was just annoyed at a friend who had used her for money. She was generally upset with me. "Get out of my house, Johnny."

Once again I managed to fuck it up, at least this time it wasn't trying to kill her.

Defeated, I turned on my heel and made my way to the front door. A month gone, she probably guessed I was dead; she probably already had someone else. She wasn't prone to be alone, she was quite beautiful and strong-minded to boot. Her scar across her neck had flashed through my mind. Mazzy. I couldn't leave Mazzy. I walked back into her room. She hadn't moved.

"Johnny get the fuck out."

"No."

"I'll call the fucking police."

"It won't matter." I grabbed her arms, and with ease pulled her to her feet. I wasn't giving up this easy. I may have had some sort of crisis for a month, but I still loved her. Mazzy's gray eyes were furious and quite scary in the dark, but I still held my own gaze.

(PRESENT)

The television emits this series of flicks and glows as the TV changes to different commercials and scenes. Squee is crashed on the couch, stretched out to the fullest; Pepito has fallen asleep with his legs up on the couch, but upper body on the floor. It's strangely adorable. I wish I could say that Squee reminds me of me when I was this young, but I cant remember. He has a bitter attitude; I know he can't help it. What right did I have to think about claiming him as my own? I had none. But at least, I can give him some sort of shelter, I can give him new clothes, they be my old ones or from stores. The ones he has on now looks so old. He will be good company. He doesn't seem afraid of me anymore.

I wish I could fall asleep.

I walk over to the window; the clouds hide the stars. 'Even if you could wish upon a star, Johnny, you cant erase the past.'

You can't erase the past

(PAST)

She pushed me; it was quite an easy thing to do. I didn't fall, but I did stumble to the window that poured in the cold moon. I briefly looked outside; snow blanketed the places around me. Everything was so serene and beautiful, as if it were a snow globe, and any minute a bright-eyed child would tip it upside down, disrupting the beauty.

"Its beautiful, isn't it?" I spoke. Tears threatened to pass my eyes, the beauty of everything, the girl behind me, the serene feeling of this all. "God, Mazzy I'm so sorry..."

"Hush."

She came behind me and wrapped her arms around me. I caught sight of her flaming red hair going over my shoulder. This gesture I didn't expect at all. He head fell against the top of my back. "Johnny, Its so hard to hate you."

"Tell that to some jocks."

I turned around we were incredibly close. "Johnny, no one cares about what Jocks think. I don't and I know you don't so-" I kissed her. I liked how it felt that last time, it was so seamless to be in that moment.

The moon washed over her features like a river of light, she pulled away and lifted my shirt over my head. I stiffened I had no memory of a girl being this frontal with me. "You're so pale, Nny" she commented, she should of known I avoided the sun like the plague.

'Fuck she probably thinks I have some disease. Looking all sick and shit.'

"You fit that "Pale Scrawny Goth" stereotype real well, Hun."

"Nice boost to my ego, thanks." I muttered, utterly un-amused. She giggled. And pulled me down to the floor. My back faced the window, as she gently massaged my shoulders, claiming I was way too overwrought. When she had began, it wasn't for the most part peaceful, I soon relaxed, feeling very much noodle-like (AN^_^ original noodle boylicious!)

(PRESENT I'm so cruel)

Bright sunlight hit my eyes first. I had fallen asleep watching the boys, and I had been lying in front of the window. Not a good place to be seated when its summer. I looked the one arm that had been in direct sunlight, it was slightly pink. "So I can burn." I mused. Squee's eyes opened, and he rolled off the couch, his feet smacking Pepito in the head.

"FUCK YOU, I HAVE HEAD EXP-" Pepito swung at air, but Squee caught his fist.

"Wake up, little jesu-"

"Don't you even..." He giggled. This was too amusing; maybe morning could become something fun.

Without looking at me, they filed into the kitchen and pulled some cereal down from the cupboards.

"Do you have school?"

"Its Saturday."

I nodded. "That it is." I looked over to Squee's former home. "Don't forget to get some papers. Its time for some forging." (Yay!) Squee nodded, nearly spilling the milk. "When the hell do you go home, Pep?"

"Whenever the hell I want. I am the Anti-"

"Alright, whatever. Just make sure your dad doesn't bitch or turn into any more *gasp* cheerleaders"

(PAST- you love me again.)

In a matter of few minutes, she had somehow gotten my boots off and made a sarcastic remark as to how perfect weather it was outside to be wearing shorts. But there I was, in my shorts. I looked up at her a bit irked. She was in plaid sleeping wear, and giggling.

"And just what the fuck is your problem?"

"Oh Johnny, you look so sheepish, sitting there pale, you're probably freezing. Why? Haven't you done this before?"

"Done what?" Then it had hit me like a fucking sledgehammer and I blushed profusely. I thought about it for a moment. Then Meats words came back into my head. ' It terrifies me that you wouldn't remember, though its no surprise. You don't remember the pretty girl that gave me to you? Being in her room? Doing what you did? What she did to you? The girls not important, but the motivation is. Until now, I there's been no need for me to surface.'*

I closed my eyes and vaguely remembered.

"I have." I had told her, wishing I could remember that moment unclouded.

"Oh?"

"I wish not to talk about it."

"She must of hurt you." She ran her delicate fingers through the over- grown antennae. 'Did she hurt me?'

Everything I remember is so very clouded but I do remember one thing

That Girl Lied To Me.

And thus she became another faded memory.

"She lied." I said sadly. Somewhere deep inside me I felt that I had been happy with this girl. This girl I cant even remember her name. "I hate liars."

"I'll never lie to you..." She said, and to me it seemed rather quick.

(PRESENT)

Cold-water streams down my body. It feels nice, but at the same time it feels like daggers are ripping up my back and the back of my legs. I get out, and dress in raggedy old pinstripe shorts, and I do my best to look at my back in the mirror, which is quite unsuccessful, and I quit because the ground is wet from my footsteps and splashes out of the shower. Instead I hug my bare arms around me, and I can feel some of the scabs, one of the major scars.

Half of the scratches had been from sex, or rather Mazzy's clawing. A few of the scars are from vicious sufferers. The fresh new ones, the ones that make my pain magnify to a million broken hearts is from one of her guy friends.

My calves have long scratches down them, and I could never really remember to figure that sex was supposed to be about the physical pain. Mazzy was an evil one; with her nails she made me bleed. With her teeth she made me bleed, and I couldn't never really understand why she had to have that much brutality into something that I was told by strangers was an act of love. Each time I got my few hours of sleep I'd wake up in a world of pain.

I figured it was something to do with her life, and the psychology of it. I wasn't too competent on the human brain...just when they were in their last moments of their life. And now, as I run my fingers down the scratches on my legs, I think of Pepito's words from earlier.

"Why didn't you just kill her?"

(PAST)

It was such a wonderful surreal thought that I was in some room in a suburban house, with the moonlight casting a long shimmering ray down through the window on Mazzy and I, that I extremely close to her. I absolutely hated human contact, I hated this sort of contact, and I screamed and generally killed most the females that insisted I was going to rape them. The physical longing I would have with Mazzy would be forever there after this one night.

But I felt like I was a different person now. I wasn't Johnny C, the Homicidal Maniac.

I was just Johnny C...Johnny with a shady past.

Johnny C having sex with Mazzy L.

The thought of it was so surreal, and I can't remember at all when the last bit of clothing came off. She was aggressive, there were no lies of that, and I found her simply beautiful, wither her messy red head in the moonlight, riding slowly on top of me.

The image of her that night still lingers in my head, and I dare say that I am still aroused by the mere image. The memory when everything was seemingly perfect. Her perfectly manicured nails, (that were oh so sharp) were digging into my sides, which you can guess is a very tender spot on me, and as she finally came, with my name on her lips, and her essence on me, I felt somewhat disillusioned, and felt some inner hatred for me betraying my convictions of months earlier that I had preached about to Tess and Jimmy.

(Chapter 6 was re-written 3 times!)

Wow. This sucked, didn't it? The last paragraph I think is simply beautiful.

Chapter 7 onward!