This Masquerade

Morning. Wake up. Take a shower. Get dressed. Breakfast. Read the newspaper. Go to work. Have lunch. Go home. A little exercise. Take a shower. Dinner. Rest for a while. Maybe smoke. Watch a little news. Go to sleep.

It never lets up, this monotonous circle that is my life. I observed other people; sometimes spirits who came to me for help, and it seems that their lives are only a variation of mine. So why do they smile and laugh and feel so happy, while I wish so much for death?

But I can't. This eye that I have left; this eye that was once yours, is the only thing left of you. I have to keep you alive.

When I look into the mirror, I am not longer surprised at the reflection I see. I am the splitting image of you. The curve of the jaw, the same hairstyle, your gaze, your eyes. Girls told me that I was desirable – I have no care for that. I just...I just...

Oh God, I can't even say it out loud when you are dead. The one and only person I love will be you, and you always. Each day is a torture because you are not here. No, the days had been a torture ever since I confessed my heart; and you laughed in my face; killed my twin sister in front of my eyes; and left me in Tokyo alone, with no traces and no clues as to where to find you.

It was not until years later, when Japan met its apocalypse when I saw you again. You haven't changed much, except that your right eye was gone. The way you smirked, the way you taunted and laughed at me...what happened to the caring, gentle vet I used to know? What happened?

Hours spent in front of the mirror, talking to you in my head. Asking you, begging you, to tell me what was wrong. Imaginary conversations that will never have answers.

"I hate you. You killed my sister and I will kill you!" I raged.

"What went wrong?" I desperately asked. "We used to be such good friends. The three of us, laughing, joking, smiling, teasing. When did everything changed?"

I cry, sometimes, when I think of what you were about to say in the seconds before you die. "Subaru, I..."

And then you passed away.

You will never, ever, tell me the things I longed to hear from you, isn't it?

Do you even love me?

Or were you only pretending the whole time I know you? Was it all just a bet?

I will never know, I guess. But I want to say this:

Seishirou, no matter how much you hated me, or how insignificant I was to you, you have changed my life. Taught me how to love. Then you tore my heart out. Taught me to kill myself for the one I loved most. Then died in my arms. Taught me to love too much. And then left me alone. Alive but dying inside.

If you meant to make my life a misery, you could not have done it better.

Are we really happy with this lonely game we play?

Thoughts of leaving disappear each time I see your eyes
And no matter how hard I try,
To understand the reason why we carry on this way
And we're lost in this masquerade

And yet, I could not hate you. Only love you, and hate myself for that. On the day we met at the Rainbow Bridge I had prepared myself to die. But you did not fulfill my wish.

You died in my arms, by blood shed by my own hands. Seishirou, though you may not know it, you took away my heart when you took your last breath. And I will always be incomplete.

Subaru Sumeragi

(Lyrics of 'This Masquerade' by The Carpenters featured.)