Chapter Thirteen

If I Fall

Thursday passed in a blind blur filled with details and events that Clear couldn't remember if she wanted to. All that she was truly aware of was that Thursday was the day before Friday and it was Friday that her movie outing with Tod was set to happen. She wouldn't allow herself to call it a date, even in her head and as she sat in French class that fateful Friday she found herself unable to concentrate on a single thing that her teacher was saying. Not that she ever really paid attention or fully grasped half of what he said but today her mind wasn't even half listening to the words spilling from the balding man's mouth. She stared blankly ahead of her, staring into the back of Alex's head, looking at Tod out of the corner of her eye as well, watching the way he tried to listen to the teacher and every time he didn't understand the man's words (which was often) his eyebrows would knit and he'd bite his bottom lip. Clear wondered if he knew he was doing this and instantly, a shocking revelation happened upon her. She had been spending more time paying attention to Tod and watching him then she did watching Alex, who was the true object of her affections...wasn't he?

This confusing thought caused Clear to wrinkle her own forehead, taking her gaze away from Tod and Alex and staring at the surface of her desk, trying to sort everything out. Of course she liked Alex, more then liked but this wasn't the first time she had caught herself thinking more about his friend. Was it possible that she was developing a crush on Tod and moving past her infatuation with Alex?

With as much conviction as she could muster, Clear shook her head and pushed those thoughts away. She managed to block them from her mind for the rest of the period, forcing herself to concentrate on French language and ignore the fact that the day was quickly dwindling.

* * *

For the second time that week, Clear found herself concentrating immensely on the contents of her closet, trying to decide what to wear for the upcoming hours. It was getting harder and harder not to think of the trip to the movies as a 'date' and she was pressing her brain to come up with other titles for the event. As of lately she had taken to calling it only by the amount of time that remained until she was due to meet Tod at the theatre. At that current moment, only thirty minutes and she still hadn't decided what to wear.

Clear wasn't sure if she wanted to look better for Alex or for Tod. "Rivers, this is stupid." She mumbled to herself, grabbing a pair of jeans, scrutinizing them before tossing them over her shoulder into the already growing pile of rejected clothes. "Of course you like Alex." She didn't know if she was speaking out loud to help convince herself but she realized that it wasn't quite working.

With a deep sigh, Clear stepped away from the closet and turned to regard the mirror, set atop her dresser, squinting her eyes at her reflection. She continued to stare silently, as though she was waiting for the mirror image of herself to explain why she was thinking more about Tod and why every time she pictured his goofy smile she got butterflies in her stomach. The reflection was silent and she once again sighed, turning away from the mirror and staring ahead into the cream-colored, blank wall before her.

Sure she liked Alex but Clear realized that it was more of a 'love at first sight' type of thing; what she felt when she thought about Tod was different. She thought about his smile, the way he always made her laugh and the way he had seen that she was hurting when Alex had simply ignored her.

What surprised Clear more was that she realized that she completely horrified at the idea that she was slowly falling in love with Tod Wagner.

* * *

When Tod heard the shrill ring of the downstairs phone, he knew, deep in his heart, that it was Clear calling. Even deeper, he felt like he knew that she was calling to cancel their date. 'Not really a date, she doesn't even know that you like' he reminded himself with growing misery, staring down at the single red rose that lay on the top of his dresser. He had gotten it for Clear but was still debating whether or not to give it to her.

"Tod, it's for you." His mother called from downstairs, unaware that she was twisting the knife in her son's heart. Slowly, Tod left his room and headed downstairs, taking the phone from his mother.

"Hello?" He answered, knowing exactly who's voice he was going to hear on the connecting line.

There was a pause, but not a long one, before Clear's semi-panicked voice sounded over the silence. "Tod? I can't do this...what was I thinking? Going to the theatre to spy on Alex? I'm out of my mind...I can't go." Her words came out in a rush, as though she were speaking them simply to make sure they were said.

Tod took a deep breathe, already working out words in his mind to convince Clear to go with him; it was no secret that he had been waiting for the upcoming date ever since he realized that he liked Clear and it also wasn't a secret that his heart was breaking at the thought of being able to go out with the lovely brunette. "Clear, calm down and breathe." He smiled slightly when the sound of Clear inhaling and slowly exhaling filled his ear. "It's not a big deal, you're not crazy and it'll be fun." Tod said, knowing that it wasn't exactly genius but perhaps it work well enough to convince the nervous brunette.

The line was silent once again, this pause much longer then the first. "You don't understand Tod...going to that theatre and seeing Alex and Adrienne...I'm only going to humiliate myself. I've had enough humiliation and heartbreak in my life to know that I don't need to force myself to experience anymore. Call it a...metaphorical fear of falling." Clear's words were much more carefully chosen this time, spoken slower.

Tod could sense the truth behind Clear's words, could see the heartache in her eyes every time he looked into them. Though he loathed to perhaps cause her anymore, but he reminded himself that he had the chance to get rid of some of the pain that he saw, had the chance to make her happy. "Don't worry, Clear, if you fall...I'll catch you. Metaphorically of course." He assured her.

A long while passed before Clear finally answered, voice wavering, agreeing to meet him at the theatre in twenty minutes.