The Condensed Version of The Tempest
by Sicily

Borders on PG-13 for references to alcohol, sex, and some occasional bad language.

Sailor #1: Augh! A storm!
Sailor #2: What? Where?
Sailor #1: What do you think all this rain is, dummy?
Sailor #2: I thought it was a My bad.

Prospero: I was a duke once, you know.
Miranda: Point being?
Prospero: Just FYI. And this being stuck on an island thing? Not my fault. All my brother. He just had to have a family member on . . . .

Ariel: Can I get off being grounded yet?
Prospero: You're not grounded, you're enslaved. Muahahahah! Bring me Ferdinand. Now, you minion!

Prospero: Heh. You're even more of a dumb slave than he is.
Caliban: Hey, do I have, like, a purpose in this scene? Or were you just going to make fun of me and insult me?
Prospero: The second one. HA! You suck, I rock, you suck, I rock . . .

Ferdinand: Though I'm completely lacking any evidence whatsoever, I will choose to believe that everyone else from my ship is dead and I'm all alone on a warm, beautiful, tropical paradise. My life sucks!
Ariel: Oh, don't go getting a Tom Hanks complex . . . Just to cheer you up, let's play Follow the Leader.

Miranda: Damn, he is fine! There's no comparison. There are also no other guys on the island, aside from my father, an airy sprite, and a deformed monster. But I consider that beside the point.
Ferdinand: You're pretty too. It must be True Love.

Prospero: HA! Another slave! Work for me! Carry my logs! Now, you fool!
Miranda: Are you having, like, authority issues or something?
Prospero: I have a teenage daughter. What do you expect?

Gonzalo: Cheer up.
Alonso: But my son is dead!
Gonzalo: No reason to be depressed about it, though.
Ariel: Time for good little boys to take a nap!
[Alonso, Adrian, Gonzalo, and Francisco go to sleep.]
Antonio: You know, your brother's asleep.
Sebastian: So?
Antonio: You know, if your brother's not around, you're king.
Sebastian: So?
Antonio: You know, it would be really easy to kill your brother while he's sleeping.
Sebastian: So?
Antonio: Just how dumb are you, exactly?

Ariel: Okay, naptime's over!
Alonso: What? Why are your swords out?
Antonio and Sebastian: We were, um, chasing off wild beasts! Yes, that sounds good. If you were wondering, we were most certainly NOT going to kill you to gain power. Nope, not us!

Caliban: You know that last scene where they took a nap? That looked really nice. I think I'll take a nap, too.
Trinculo: I don't know how either of us saw the last scene, since we weren't on stage, but I agree. A nap does sound good. You don't mind if I use you for a bed, do you? Thought not.
Stephano: *Hic* Hey, a four legged *hic* beast!
Trinculo: No, it's me. The guy I'm on top of is a beast, though.
Caliban: I heard that.
Stephano: The guy you're *hic* on top of is a *hic* beast?
Trinculo: Get your mind out of the gutter!
Stephano: Here, *hic* have a *hic* drink.
Caliban: You gave me liquor. I now worship you as a god.
Stephano: Sounds *hic* good to me *hic*.

Ferdinand: It bites, having to carry logs and all. Oh, well, I get to look at Miranda while I do it.
Miranda: Here, let me help!
Ferdinand: I love you. Marry me.
Miranda: Isn't this a little sudden?
Ferdinand: Wrong Condensed Version.
Miranda: Ooops, sorry. I meant I love you, too.

Prospero: Miranda an' Ferdinand, sittin' in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G . . .

Caliban: I can *hic* help you take over the *hic* island.
Stephano: Sounds *hic* good to me *hic*.
Ariel: Hehe, you're funny. But I consider you to be a minor threat, so I'm going to tell Prospero on you.

Ariel: YOU ALL TOTALLY SUCK! YOU WERE MEAN TO PROSPERO! EVIL MORONS!
Antonio and Alonso: Wahhh, we feel bad now.

Prospero: Hehehe, April Fools! I was joking the whole time, Ferdinand. Go ahead and marry my daughter.
Ferdinand: This is very, very strange. But it works in my favor, so I won't complain. Hey, Love Turkey! We can get married!
Miranda: Idiot! Don't call me Love Turkey in front of my father!
Prospero: Did I mention I don't want this relationship consumated until you're actually married?

Prospero: Hey, you're pretty good at being evil.
Ariel: Actually, that was my stunt double. He wants to play evil villains in the movies, so I let him practice.

Prospero: To prove my goodwill, come here and let's spend some quality family time together. We could watch a movie or something.
Ferdinand: Or Miranda and I could go off alone together . . .
Prospero: Did I mention I don't want this relationship consumated until you're actually married?

Prospero: Let's tempt Caliban, Stephano, and Trinculo with lots of gold jewelery.
Ariel: What good will that do?
Prospero: None whatsoever, but it'll entertain me.

Stephano: Hey, *hic* cool! Gold *hic* crowns!
Caliban: It's *hic* a *hic* trap *hic*!
Trinculo: So? It's awful pretty.

Ariel: Are we done with this play yet?
Prospero: Are you getting impatient already? For heaven's sake, it's a Condensed Version! It's SHORT!
Ariel: Yes, but I have a date as soon as this is over.
Prospero: Fine. Bring me my brother and the king and all the people in that plot thread.

Alonso: We will fight you!
Prospero: Like hell. I'm a sorcerer.
Antonio: Fine then, we choose to surrender to you of our own free will, and not because we were about to get our asses kicked.
Prospero: You just keep telling yourself that.

Prospero: Your son's in love with my daughter. That cool with you?
Alonso: Hey, pal, I'm just happy he's alive.

Ferdinand: Daddy!
Alonso: Son!
Prospero: Daughter!
Miranda: Nice try.

Alonso: Hey, it's my butler, Stephano, and Trinculo! And they're both dead drunk! Where did you find a pub on the island, and why didn't you tell me about it sooner?

Prospero: I gave up all my magic and my slaves. I have to live like a regular old Duke again. Poor me.