The Condensed Version of Troilus and Cressida
by Sicily

This play is definitely PG-13 material. There are sexual references, including slash, and violence, along with some bad language. If any of that bugs you, skip this one..

Prologue: Dudes, it's the Trojan War, okay? This story takes place before the Trojan horse, just to give you a reference.

Pandarus: Is the war over yet?
Troilus: It might go faster if we weren't such wusses compared to the Greeks.
Pandarus: You're just a wuss because you're in love with Cressida.
Troilus: True, that.

Troilus: He's right, you know. I've got a major crush on Cressida. I bet you couldn't figure that one out from the title, so I told you. I'm helpful like that.

Aeneas: Dude! You're supposed to be fighting! Paris is hurt!
Troilus: Paris? Like on Star Trek?
Aeneas: Paris like your brother, dumbass.

Cressida: Why is Hector mad at that one Greek guy again?
Alexander: Ajax hit him.
Cressida: Must be a guy thing.

Cressida: He's pretty cute.
Pandarus: Troilus is cuter.
Cressida: I can't believe I'm talking about guys with my uncle!
Pandarus: I mean, I can, like, so see you, with, like, Troilus. I mean, you guys would be like, so perfect together.
Cressida: You're starting to scare me.

Cressida: If you couldn't figure it out from the title, I've got it bad for Troilus. I'm just playing hard to get; there'll be more scenes that way.

Agamemnon: It sucks; Achilles won't fight anymore. All he'll do is sit in his tent and pout.
Ulysses: I have a plan.
Agamemnon: Don't you always?
Ulysses: We should make Ajax fight Hector.
Agamemnon: I really don't see how that will help, but you're smart so let's try it.

Thersites: Moron!
Ajax: Duh, me no know what that means. But it sound bad, so me beat you up.
Thersites: Do you even have the mental capacity of a rock?
Achilles: Ajax, stop beating up Thersites.
Ajax: Why?
Achilles: Oh, you don't have to. I just needed a line in this scene.

Priam: Okay, y'all, should we give Helen back or keep fighting?
Hector: I think the whole reason we're fighting is dumb, and Helen was Menelaus' in the first place, and even if she weren't no matter how beautiful she is she's not worth a nine-year war . . .
Troilus: Wimp.
Hector: You didn't let me finish. I think we should keep fighting anyway.

Thersites: This war bites. And everyone here is an idiot.
Patroclus: Why am I an idiot?
Thersites: Do we really need to go there now? Trust me, you are.

Agamemnon: Where's Achilles?
Patroclus: I'm sorry, Achilles cannot come to the door now. May I take a message?
Agamemnon: Well, sorry to have missed him. Tell him hi for me, and that we really must get together for tea soon.

Ulysses: Ajax is so cool!
Agamemnon: Yeah. Wow. Go Ajax.
Nestor: Yeah. Ajax, you totally rock.
Ajax: Duh, cool.

Pandarus: Hi, Paris. Hi, Helen.
Paris and Helen: [making out] mgquhrchrp
Pandarus: Um, Paris? Troilus wants you to cover for him if he's not there at dinner.
Paris and Helen: [making out] mgquhrchrp

Pandarus: Kiss already.
Troilus and Cressida: [making out] mgquhrchrp
Pandarus: Ah, young love!
Troilus and Cressida: Go away.
Pandarus: What, I don't get to see you break the PG-13 rating?
Troilus: What kind of a sick pervert are you? Go away!
[Door slams shut, Pandarus on the outside]

Calchas: I defected from Troy. Will you do me a favor?
Agamemnon: Maybe.
Calchas: Bring my daughter Cressida here.
Agamemnon: The Cressida from the title?
Calchas: Yeah, her.
Agamemnon: This sounds like a plot twist. Okay! We'll exchange a valuable war prisoner to get your militarily useless daughter. No problem.

Ulysses: Let's walk past Achilles' tent and ignore him.
Greeks: Why?
Ulysses: Shut up and obey me! I'm helping the plot along.

Achilles:
Why isn't anyone speaking to me?
Ulysses: Um, we all know you're not fighting because you want to get it on with one of Priam's daughters.
Patroclus: Achilles! Are you cheating on me? You wouldn't cheat on your boy-toy, would you?
Achilles: Maybe.

Thersites: Ajax is really not too bright; did you know that?
Patroclus: Achilles wants you to go to Agamemnon and ask if Hector can come over.
Thersites: Um, I don't know if you were aware of this, but Hector is our sworn enemy and a dangerous warrior.
Patroclus: Point being?

Aeneas: The Greeks are going to give us a mighty warrior they've captured in exchange for Cressida, a ditz who hangs out with Troilus.
Paris: Exactly how stupid are these people? I'm just curious.

Troilus: Wow, that was amazing.
Cressida: Why'd you get out of bed so soon?
Pandarus: Did you have a good night, nudge-nudge, wink-wink?
Cressida: Did we not make it clear that we don't want you around?

Aeneas: We're exchanging you, Cressida. You're going to the Greeks.
Cressida: Crap.

Troilus: I love you forever!
Cressida: I love you forever, too!
Troilus:
Don't cheat on me!
Cressida: Don't cheat on me, either!
Troilus: It's amazing, the amount of trust we have in this relationship.
Cressida: Have a token.
Troilus: Have a token yourself.

Diomedes: Hey, you're cute.
Cressida: Thanks.
Troilus: Don't even make the moves on my girl, you Greek scum.
Diomedes: Touchy touchy.

Ajax: I'm going to kick Hector's ass!
Ulysses: You just keep telling yourself that.

Agamemnon: Let's all kiss Cressida.
Ajax: Why?
Agamemnon: I dunno, she's pretty. And I'm sure our wives wouldn't mind if they knew.

[Hector and Ajax beat at each other, then stop for no apparent reason; neither one wins]
Ajax: Nice fighting with you, Hector.
Hector: Yeah, I had fun. We really must do that again sometime.

Agamemnon: Hello there, Hector, how are you doing?
Hector: Oh, fine, fine, can't complain. Yourself?
Agamemnon: Not bad, not bad. Care for some tea?
Hector: If it isn't too much trouble . . .
Agamemnon: Not at all, not at all.
Thersites: Er, just for the record, aren't you two the leaders of a bloody nine year war in which you've done your utmost to roast each other to smithereens?
Agamemnon: Yes, but that's no reason to be barbaric at our tea party.

Achilles: Hey, moron, what's up?
Thersites: Yo, idiot-man. You've got a letter.
Achilles: From where, dummy?
Thersites: Troy, intelligence-challenged.
Patroclus: That was a silly conversation.
Thersites: I don't want your opinion, slash-boy. Do you think the rest of us don't know why you're living in Achilles' tent?
Patroclus: Dimwit.
Thersites: Dunce.
Patroclus: Fool.
Patroclus: Imbecile.
Achilles: Shut up, both of you. I got a letter from the Trojan girl I'm in love with! As long as I don't fight tomorrow, I'm so gonna get laid!

Agamemnon: Night, everybody!
Hector: Thank you so much for having me!
Nestor: Not at all! Thanks for coming!
Troilus: Next mah-jong club meets at our house.

Diomedes: Hey Cressida!
Cressida: Hi! It's so nice to see you!
Diomedes: Pssst. [whispers in her ear]
Cressida: Oooo, yeah, I'll remember.
Troilus: I bet they're sleeping together!
Ulysses: Boy, you just jump to conclusions constantly, don't you?
[Diomedes and Cressida make kissing noises at each other]
Troilus: SEE?!?!
Ulysses: Let's get out of here before you hurt someone.

Cressida: It's too bad I'm being unfaithful to Troilus. Oh, well, I'm a girl, and Shakespeare never had much respect for girls anyway.
Troilus: Damn.

Andromanche: You shouldn't fight today.
Cassandra: You definitely shouldn't fight today. I mean it.
Hector: Okay, maybe I won't.
Troilus: Let's rumble!
Hector: Oop, changed my mind. Ready to kick Greek ass.

Thersites: Oooo, there's a battle! I'm going to go watch everyone get all cut up! Wooohoo, this is entertainment!

[Everyone fights.]

Hector: Are you worthy to fight me?
Thersites: Who me? Nope, no, not me. I'm just a regular guy.
Hector: Yeah, I thought so. I won't kill you, then.

Diomedes: Give Troilus' horse to Cressida. Say it's from me.
Servant: So she can escape?
Diomedes: No, so she'll like me better.

Agamemnon: We're losing! We need Achilles!
Nestor: Patroclus is dead. Bring Achilles his body.
Agamemnon: Brilliant!

[Everyone is still fighting, in case you were curious]

Achilles: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH! YOU KILLED PATROCLUS! HOW WILL I LIVE WITHOUT MY BOY-TOY? I MUST KILL YOU ALL NOW!
Agamemnon: Phew, close one.

Margarelon: Fight me!
Thersites: Who are you?
Margarelon: A bastard.
Thersites: Wow, me too! I prefer the term natural child, though, what about you?
Margarelon: Eh, go away.

Troilus: I HATE YOU!
Diomedes: Why? Just cause I'm Greek?
Troilus: No, actually I had another reason. It was a good one too... dangit, I've forgotten. Oh, yeah, I remember now. My horse! You so stole my horse! I have to kill you now!
Diomedes: So this has nothing to do with, oh, Cressida, perchance?
Troilus: Who's that? Do I know her?

[Everyone fights more. Achilles kills Hector.]
Achilles: HA! I have won!
Hector's body: Dangit, should've listened to Cassandra.
Achilles: Shut up, you're spoiling my victory yell.

Pandarus: So ends the tale of young love. Or young lust, rather. Whatever.