The Condensed Version of The Merchant of Venice
by Sicily
Antonio: Poor me.
Salerio: Why so sad?
Antonio: No idea. Literary critics are currently debating the reason for my mood in this scene as if it were of life or death importance.
Antonio: I suddenly feel as if I'm in a play...
Graziano: Stop breaking the fourth wall!
Bassiano: Can I borrow some money? And did I mention you're my best friend in the whole wide world?
Antonio: Aw, shucks. When you put it like that...I'll have to borrow some myself to give it to you, though.
Bassanio: In that case, I could probably just go to someone else and save you the trouble...
Antonio: Shut up! This is the plot!
Portia: All the guys coming to court me are idiots. Fortunately, I have an airtight excuse to refuse all of them.
Nerissa: You mean your father's casket-choosing idea?
Portia: Actually, I was going to tell them that I'm a sociopathic killer ... Your idea is much better though, I think I'll use that. It'll allow for more scenes and less rip-offs.
Shylock: So, you want to borrow $3,000 for three months.
Bassanio: Actually, we wanted to borrow the Venitian equivalent of dollars, since this is the Merchant of Venice. . .
Shylock: Don't get smart with me. I'm the Evil Villain.
Bassanio: Prove it.
Shylock: If Antonio doesn't pay me on time, I get to take an ounce of his flesh.
Bassanio: Wasn't that a pound' in the original?
Shylock: You condense things, stuff gets lost. Live with it.
Prince of Morocco: Will you marry me?
Portia: Gold, silver or lead?
Prince of Morocco: Can I use a lifeline?
Lancelot: Okay, heads, I quit working for Shylock; tails, I don't.
Gobbo: Ello. I have no purpose in this scene at all, but I thought I'd stop in for slapstick possibilities. By the way [labored breathing] . . . I am your father!
Lancelot: Um, Dad? I know. And you got in the way of my coin-flipping.
Graziano: Let me come with you to Belmont! Please let me, please, please please puh-leeeeeze? I'm so totally completely 100% madly in love with Portia's maid.
Bassanio: Only if you promise to behave more maturely than you are now.
Jessica: So you're leaving?
Lancelot: Can you blame me?
Jessica: Well, I should, since this is my father we're talking about. But then again, I'm planning to run away, too. So no. I can't really.
Lorenzo: Tell Jessica I'll be there at ten o'clock.
Lancelot: Sir, yes, sir!
Shylock: You're going to regret leaving me, you scum-sucking excuse for a moron.
Lancelot: Okay, yeah, now I'm confused. Why would I regret leaving you? You're insulting and the Evil Villain.
Shylock: Jessica!
Jessica: You rang?
Shylock: Take care of the house. And don't run away or anything.
Jessica: Who me? Wouldn't, um, dream of it. I mean, it's not like it's my job to thwart you because you're the Evil Villain and everybody has to thwart the evil villain, or anything.
Salerio: Just to clue in the really dumb people in the audience, Jessica will now procede to run away with Lorenzo.
Graziano: Here they come now!
Lorenzo: Psst, Jessica!
Jessica: My darling!
Lorenzo: My heart!
Jessica: My only!
Graziano: Yeah, yeah, cut the crap. Can we just get on with the daring escape already, and then worry about the sweet nothings?
Antonio: Dude, where've you been? Come inside already, it's pouring out here!
Graziano: Good plan, I think I will.
Portia: Gold, silver, or lead?
Prince of Morocco: Gold.
Portia: Eeenh, thanks for playing.
Salerio: So, didja hear how Jessica ran away with Lorenzo?
Solanio: Haven't we covered this three or four times? I think everyone gets it now. Do you all get it? You all know how Lorenzo and Jessica ran away together?
Salerio: Yeah, well, Shylock was really mad about it.
Solanio: Gee, never would've seen that one coming!
Salerio: Shut up. Also, one of Antonio's ships was lost.
Portia: Gold, silver, or lead?
Prince of Aragon: Silver.
Portia: Eeenh, wrong. Hey, weren't you in Lord of the Rings?
Prince of Aragon: That was Aragorn.
Portia: My bad. You definitely guessed wrong then.
Nerissa: Bassanio's on his way here.
Portia: Oh my! It's my one true love! Does my hair look all right?
Nerissa: Yes, but how did you know he was your one true love?
Portia: He's been in scenes where I'm not on stage, and the violins in the background just swelled.
Salerio: Bad news, Solanio. We're playing Bearers of Exposition again.
Solanio: Thrillsville. All you people out there? Antonio lost another ship. That makes two, count em, two ships that Antonio lost.
Salerio: Make that three. For you slightly slower ones in the audience, the implication is that he's broke and cannot pay Shylock, meaning Shylock will take an ounce of his flesh. Also Shylock is still mad that he can't find his daughter.
Shylock: Hi, I'm Shylock. I'm mad because I can't find my daughter. She ran away with --
Solanio: We KNOW!
Shylock: It's not nice to yell at me. I have feelings too. All you people ever do is make fun of me and insult me and I'm a person too and I don't have to stand for this kind of treatment... I'm going to my trailer now, I can't handle this constant ridicule!
Salerio: Yeah, yeah sorry and all. But you're the Evil Villain, and we had been over that plot point a good three or four times already.
Tubal: Antonio's broke and can't pay you.
Shylock: That is today's sole redeeming feature.
Portia: Gold, silver, or lead?
Bassanio: Let me think for a sec.
Portia: Are you sure you don't ned a break? Some water? I could give you a lifeline...
Bassanio: Lead.
Portia: Yippee! See, Nerissa, I told you so.
Graziano: By the way, can Nerissa and I get married too?
Portia: For the love of Pete, ask her, not me!
Nerissa: Oh, okay, your bungled proposal notwithstanding.
Bassanio: I'd love to marry you right away, Portia, but frankly my friend Antonio is much more important. Shylock's going to take an ounce of his flesh, and it's all my fault.
Portia: Eeeuw. Is this your usual pastime? Maybe I don't want to marry you!
Bassanio: No, no, it's because he owes Shylock money.
Portia: Oh, is that all? I can help. Take my money, I don't mind, even though I've never met this person in my life.
Bassanio: Thanks, you're the best.
Portia: Have a ring. Don't lose it or give it to anyone or anything.
Graziano: Hey, Portia gave her husband a ri-ing.
Nerissa: Okay, fine, here you go, but you're not allowed to lose it or give it away or anything.
Graziano: Why would I do that?
Nerissa: I've seen the lengths you'll go to get more lines.
Shylock: Arrest him! He wouldn't pay me! I have my bond!
Salerio: Bond? James Bond?
Shylock: Money bond, imbecile. Come on, that had to be one of the worst pop culture references to show up in a Condensed Version yet. And that's saying something.
Salerio: Thanks, I do what I can.
Portia: Hey guys, want another scene?
Lorenzo: That depends. Is it going to center around how Jessica and I ran off together?
Portia: Actually, I was going to ask if you wanted to stay and take care of my house while I go advance the plot for awhile.
Jessica: Oh, thank goodness. That's okay then.
Portia: Rough day?
Jessica: You have no idea.
Portia: Give this letter to my cousin.
Balthasar: Why?
Portia: My judge's clothes and props can't come from nowhere, you know. People would be confused.
Balthasar: Too late.
Lancelot: Wow, are you really the daughter of the Evil Villain?
Jessica: You realize that by continually referring to Shylock as the Evil Villain, we miss all the subtext of the original play, which was that Shylock is Jewish, and he's evil because Shakespeare was really anti-Semitic, and there are all kinds of interesting relations with that having to do with Shylock as the sympathetic Jew, and furthermore you're probably doing more harm than good, equating him with the Evil Villain status and therefore subtexturally linking Jewish people to Evil Villains, and....
Lancelot: This is a parody, not a literary criticism, for Pete's sake! He's the bad guy in this play, religion notwithstanding. Why don't you go read Asimov's Guide or something?
Lorenzo: I love you.
Jessica: I love you back.
Lorenzo: Are we going to do anything else in this scene?
Jessica: Don't you wish. No, this is just to give Portia enough time to change into her judge's clothes back in her trailer.
Duke: Shylock won't accept your money now the deadline's passed.
Antonio: Drat. Oh well, I shall be stoic and manly and die nobly.
Duke: You know, Shylock, I'm really disappointed that you won't take loads and loads of money and would rather have an ounce of this poor man's flesh.
Shylock: Deal. I'm the Evil Villain, and I HAVE MY BOND!!!!! MUAHAHAHA!
Judge Portia: Are you sure you won't take the money?
Shylock: Yes.
Assistant Nerissa: Are you positive?
Shylock: Yes.
Judge Portia: No lifelines? Is that your FINAL ANSWER?
Shylock: Yes!
Judge Portia: Tough patooties. That's murder, I arrest you for it, and I say we're going to punish you by taking your house and all your stuff and everything.
Shylock: Drat! Foiled again! I hate this. Constant ridicule and I don't even get the ounce of flesh! I'm getting a new agent.
Antonio: I'm FREE! [sings] My eyes have seen the glory of the burning of the school...
Bassanio: That wasn't school, that was court.
Antonio: Picky picky.
Bassanio: How can I ever thank you for saving my friend?
Judge Portia: It was nothing.
Graziano: No, really! Let us do something for you, anything.
Assistant Nerissa: You could give us your rings.
Bassanio: Nooooo! Not that! Anything but that!
Judge Portia: I guess I shouldn't've saved Antonio then...
Graziano: Oh, fine, have em.
Lorenzo: It's another one of those scenes we're in just so Portia has time to change.
Jessica: Ho hum. Hey, did you realize we ran away together?
Lorenzo: For the love of all things holy can we PLEASE not start that again?!?
Portia: I'm back. That was fun.
Bassanio: Honey, I'm home!
Portia: Oh, how nice to see you, sweetie. How'd it go?
Bassanio: Antonio got off. The judge was really incredible!
Nerissa: Really?
Graziano: Yeah, the assistant was something too.
Portia: Where are your rings? The ones we told you not to give away to anyone you met, because the Dark Lord of Mordor is looking for them?
Graziano: We gave them away.
Bassanio: But we feel really bad about it.
Nerissa: You are so lame. You realize if Sauron triumphs over all Middle-Earth it'll be your fault?
Bassanio: Can we cut the pop culture references? They're getting incredibly, irritatingly lame.
Portia: Fine. But we're still mad you gave the rings back. We said you could have them, and we meant it.
Bassanio: Huh?
Nerissa: You are terminally lame. You didn't recognize us? Lame, lame, lame.
Lorenzo: How sweet. Three couples, a foiled Evil Villain and smart wives who fogive their husbands for their endearing wacky hijinks.
Graziano: Say, didn't you run away with Jessica?
Portia: Shut. Up. All of you.
