The Condensed Version of Much Ado About Nothing
by Sicily
This play approaches PG-13 territory, due to sexual references and language.
Thank you: D.C. and SHSS.
Messenger: The army's on its way here. They won.
Leonato: Did anyone die?
Messenger: No major characters.
Beatrice: Good, because the play is just starting. By the way, I guess that -- um, means, um, that, um, Benedick survived, huh? I'm asking because I hate him, not because I'm in love with him or anything.
Messenger: Oh, I see. No, he lived, he's fine.
Beatrice: Oh, thank heaven -- I mean, darn it.
Leonato: Welcome! Come, stay at my house, eat my food, and advance the plot for awhile!
Don Pedro: Thank you, I will.
Beatrice: BickerbickerIbickerbickerlovebickerbickerbickeryou.
Benedick:BickerbickerIbickerbickerlovebickerbickeryoubickerbickertoo.BickerbickerMarrybickerbickerme?bicker.
Leonato: Nothing subliminal going on there, not at all. They just like to bicker. Seriously.
Claudio: Did you see Hero? Perfect ten, I'm telling you.
Benedick: No, I was too busy looking at Beatrice. Because I hate her, you know, not because I'm in love with her or anything.
Claudio: Oh, I see.
Don Pedro: So, you're in love with Hero?
Claudio: Wait a sec, I only told Benedick! How is it that you seem to know all about my deepest darkest secret crush?
Don Pedro: Face it, the plot of this play depends on many of us acting as if this were middle school. Along that vein, want me to pretend to steal her away?
Claudio: If it would make the play more exciting, how can I say no?
Antonio: So, like guess what! Like, Claudio, he's like, totally in love with your daughter!
Leonato: Ooooo, really? I'll like, go tell her right now! Omygoodnessgoshygracious, this is like, sooooooooooo exciting!
Conrade: What's up, man?
Don John: Life is a cycle of sorrow.
Conrade: Well aren't we the little manic depressive.
Borachio: Hey, have you heard? Claudio and Hero are getting married!
Don John: It's all settled? Didn't we just show up three hours ago? Have they ever seen each other before? Has he ASKED her? Isn't this a little SUDDEN?
Borachio: Well, I got it from Leonato, who heard it from Antonio, who heard it from some random servant, who heard it from Don Pedro, who heard Benedick complaining about how Claudio had a crush. So yeah, it's pretty much settled. I'm thinking a June wedding.
Don John: Humph. I dislike the idea that other people will be getting laid while I am not. Therefore I vote we should break them up.
Conrade: Sounds good to me.
Borachio: If there's anything this play is lacking, it's an Evil Scheme.
Leonato: Did anyone see the Evil Villain?
Antonio: No, I think he was off planning his Evil Scheme.
Beatrice: Too bad, evil villains are sexy. Because, you know, I can say that, I'm not in love with Bene -- with anyone, I'm totally not in love with anyone and I hate Benedick in particular.
Antonio: How bout you, Hero? You in love?
Hero: I refuse to discuss my personal life with my father and uncle. Beatrice and I will discuss it at our sleepover tonight.
Leonato: Could we please start the dancing before Antonio and I have to ground our daughters?
Don Pedro: Will you dance with me?
Hero: Depends. Is that a mask or your real face?
Don Pedro: A mask. I'm really Claudio.
Hero: Uck! That's worse than the mask!
Balthasar: Will you dance with me?
Margaret: Depends. Who are you really?
Balthasar: That actually depends which text you read. Some editions say I'm Balthasar, others say I'm Benedick. It's a folio thing.
Antonio: Hi.
Ursula: Hi, Antonio.
Antonio: How'd you know it was me?
Ursula: Well, you can bet it wasn't the nametag that says .
Benedick: I've heard you're a real bit -- er, .
Beatrice: Shrew?
Benedick: I was trying to keep the rating at PG.
Beatrice: I -- er -- see. I bet you heard that from Benedick. Tell him he's a bas -- er, dull fool.
Benedick: Never heard of him, but if I ever do, I'll tell him.
Beatrice: Good, because, you know, I hate him, and I'm totally not in love with him at all.
Don John: Heh, time for my evil scheme. Scuse me, who might you be?
Claudio: Me? Uh, I'm Benedick, yep, Benedick is me. In case you were wondering, I'm definitely not Claudio.
Don John: Oh, good. So, didja hear how Don Pedro is in love with Hero?
Claudio: WHAT?!?
Don John: My work here is done.
Benedick: Why so glum?
Claudio: Don Pedro's in love with Hero.
Benedick: Aw, that's rough luck. See, that's why you shouldn't get anyone else to romance your girl. I, for example, would never get anyone to romance Beatrice in my name. If she were my girl, that is, which would never happen, you understand, because I hate her and I'm definitely not in love with her.
Benedick: Claudio thinks you stole his girl.
Don Pedro: What is this, middle school?
Benedick: Yes, sir, yes, it is.
Don Pedro: Oh, in that case, how's your love life going?
Benedick: That darn Beatrice kept insulting me! I'm so mad! Not that it matters, you know, since we hate each other and I'm not in love with her.
Don Pedro: Here she comes now. Maybe you'd like to tell her?
Benedick: No!! Please, please, please, puh-leeeeeze send me away to go wax your cat or something? I don't think I could stand next to her any longer without kiss -- without killing her. Sorry, mispoke.
Don Pedro: Riiiiight. How're you doing, Claudio?
Claudio: Pissed to high heaven. Did you steal my girl?
Don Pedro: Yes, but she thought I was you, so it's all good.
Claudio: Wait, so does that mean she's in love with me now? This is confusing.
Don Pedro: Be grateful you're not in A Midsummer Night's Dream.
Beatrice: Congrats to you, but you'll never catch me married. I'm not in love, especially not with Benedick.
Don Pedro: Ooh, I see.
Leonato: Beatrice should get married.
Don Pedro: I agree. What say we set her up with Benedick?
Claudio: But they keep saying they hate each other and aren't in love!
Don Pedro: . . . And thus it will allow us to have many comic scenes in which we make them fall in love. Come on, does anyone have a better plot for this play?
Don John: Darn it all to heck. Claudio's marrying Hero. I hate this! I always have to be the evil villain, I never get the girl!
Borachio: I can fix that.
Don John: You'll get me a girl?
Borachio: No, not even I can do that. But I'll break up Claudio and Hero.
Don John: How's that?
Borachio: If you can get Don Pedro, Claudio, and Leonato outside her bedroom window tomorrow night, I'll get my girlfriend up there to pretend she's Hero having an affair with me.
Don John: Deal. But I still don't see why you have a girlfriend and I don't.
Benedick: How lame it is that some guys say they'll never fall in love and then go get married. Take note of what I just said -- it'll become suitably ironic in a minute.
Don Pedro: So, did you hear how Beatrice is in love with Benedick?
Leonato: Is she really? Why doesn't anyone tell him?
Claudio: He'd just make fun of her.
Don Pedro: Poor Beatrice.
Benedick: My God! I've been in love with her all along and never knew it! How could this have happened? I've been so blind! I never would've seen this coming! What a complete shock!
Beatrice: Time to come in for lunch. And wash your hands. And I hate you, by the way, I'm totally not in love with you.
Benedick: She's denying it! It must be true! Aauuugh!
Hero: So, did you hear how Benedick is in love with Beatrice?
Margaret: Is he really? Why doesn't anyone tell her?
Ursula: She'd just make fun of him.
Hero: Poor Benedick.
Beatrice: My God! I've been in love with him all along and never knew it! How could this have happened? I've been so blind! I never would've seen this coming! What a complete shock!
Don Pedro: I'm leaving as soon as I see if my plot worked.
Claudio: Want me to come with you?
Don Pedro: Are you high? Your wife would kill you.
Claudio: Good point. Hey, Benedick, are you all right?
Benedick: I have a toothache. I'm not in love or anything, nope, not me, I'm glum because I have a toothache.
Claudio: Good lord, has anything changed?
Don Pedro: Well, before he wasn't doodling I'm madly in love with Beatrice and I want to marry her and have loads of smart-ass children on his napkin.
Claudio: You're right! He added the bit about smart-ass children due to our plot. I'm so glad it worked!
Don John: So, Claudio, still planning to be married tomorrow?
Claudio: Is there a reason I shouldn't?
Don John: Oh, no, no, I guess you don't mind that Hero's cheating on you, that's fine...
Claudio: WHAT?!?
Don Pedro: Wait a sec, I think you're the Evil Villain. That means ... you could be lying! Don't believe him, Claudio.
Don John: I can prove it.
Don Pedro: Oh, okay then, maybe you weren't lying.
Dogberry: Hello, my wacky friends! I, Dogberry, am a watchman, otherwise known as the wild and wacky comic relief!
Verges: Sort of like Jar Jar Binks?
Dogberry: Yes! Exactly!
Verges: Where's your speech impediment?
Dogberry: Huh. I could've sworn I had one. Must've got lost when the play was condensed.
Verges: Hey, you know, I hated Jar Jar. Stands to reason I'll hate you too. Can I kill you in advance?
Dogberry: No! Unlike Jar Jar, I have an integral part to play in the plot later on!
Verges: Drat.
Borachio: Dude, Don John gave me a thousand bucks to mess up Claudio and Hero's wedding.
Conrade: And I thought it was only the unmusical boy bands who had too much money to burn. Now I find out it's the evil villains, too.
Borachio: Heh. This is great. Easy money. All I had to do was stand out in the orchard, call Margaret, in front of Don John and Claudio, and he pays me!
Verges: What's this I hear about breaking up Claudio and Hero.
Borachio: Dammit! Foiled again! You'd think we were the bad guys or something!
Dogberry: Lock him up until the plot has conveniently progressed far enough so that it will be both funny and last-minute crucial that we release him.
Margaret: That veil is incredibly ugly.
Hero: That's not funny. This was my mother's.
Margaret: . . . So, did I mention how great you're looking?
Beatrice: Happy to be getting married?
Hero: Yes, actually. Wait, wait, I know, I know, you'll never marry and you're not in love, and even if you were it wouldn't be with Benedick.
Beatrice: Uh, yeah. Um, exactly. Right. What you said. I have a headache...
Hero: Hehehe... of course you do.
Dogberry: Hello! I'm back and I'm stiiiiiiiilll wacky!
Leonato: So, what can I do for you?
Dogberry: You can join me in a wacky and fun singalong!
Leonato: No, no, that's okay, no, I don't think I will thanks...
Dogberry: Sing it with me now! This old watch, we arrested two, two big jerks all for to stew...
Leonato: This job does not pay nearly enough.
Friar: Mawwidge... that bwesseth awwangementh... dat dweem wiffin a dweem...
Claudio: Nope, sorry. As shown previously, I have a very juvenile, in fact rather middle-school mentality. Therefore I will not only dump Hero on basically unfounded accusations of cheating without talking it through with her in a reasonable and mature manner, I will do it in an incredibly embarrassing display before witnesses.
Hero: This is the most embarrassing moment of my life! Perhaps I can send it in to the Most Embarrassing Moments section of Seventeen...
Leonato: I can't believe anyone would accuse my daughter of cheating! I wish I were dead! Better yet, I wish she were dead!
Friar: You're an idiot. Hero didn't sleep around with anyone. But we can pretend she's dead if it would make you feel better.
Leonato: Thanks, you're the best.
Benedick: Shall we just cut the crap and admit our true feelings?
Beatrice: Yeah, what with this whole Hero thing it seems silly to draw it out.
Benedick: I'm madly in love with you.
Beatrice: What a coincidence! Turns out I'm desperately in love with you, too.
Benedick: I'm sorry you're so sad about Hero.
Beatrice: You know, if you really loved me you'd challenge Claudio to a duel over Hero's honor.
Benedick: But he's my best friend! And it's not like it's your honor or anything, I mean, Hero's just the subplot.
Beatrice: Please, please, please, pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeze?
Benedick: Oh, okay.... since I love you so much and you're my snookie-pums.
Dogberry: It is I again, my wacky friends! Here I am, in the company of these bad, bad, weebuses who did bad, bad, things.
Borachio: Aw, it was all Don John's idea!
Conrade: Yeah, blame him.
Dogberry: Oh, my goodness gracious! It seems it was all the fault of that horrible, bad, bad weebus, Don John! Hero has been accused wrongfully! See, you wacky Verges? I told you I'm integral to the plot.
Leonato: I'm so depressed. My life sucks. I can't believe people think I raised such a naughty, naughy bad girl. Especially since she's innocent and all. My life is ruined forever.
Antonio: Cry me a river, build me a bridge, and get over it!
Leonato: She totally didn't sleep around, Claudio!
Claudio: Riiiight. Sure. I don't believe you.
Leonato: But -- but -- ARGH!!
Benedick: I hate you. You're a mean nasty slanderer.
Claudio: But I thought we were friends!
Benedick: That was before you told lies about my girlfriend's cousin. Now I hate you.
Claudio: Oh that's horr -- girlfriend? You have a girlfriend?
Benedick: Shut up and fight me.
Don Pedro: But Hero really did --
Dogberry: No, she really didn't, my wacky friend! These men have confessed to the crime.
Claudio: Oh no! I was wrong! I feel so... horrible...
Leonato: H'mmm.... do you now?
Leonato: You know, my daughter's dead because of you.
Borachio: I thought you wanted her to be dead.
Leonato: That was before I knew she was innocent.
Benedick: You're pretty. Call Beatrice.
Margaret: You're handsome. Okay.
Beatrice: Did you fight Claudio?
Benedick: No, but --
Beatrice: I hate you.
Benedick: I'm on my way to fight him now. I just came to tell you I love you, just in case I get killed or something.
Beatrice: Oh, really? How sweet! I love you... you're wonderful... you're amazing...
Benedick: Marry me?
Beatrice: Yes! Yes!
Ursula: Y'all better come. Borachio confessed.
Claudio: Oh, I feel so very, very guilty.
Leonato: If you're really feeling so guilty, why don't you marry Hero's ... er ... cousin ... in penitence?
Claudio: You mean Beatrice?
Leonato: No, no. A different cousin.
Claudio: Well, I guess so... but how will that be penitence?
Leonato: Will you stop finding holes in my scheme? I'm doing this for your own good, you know.
Friar: Okay, now are we ready to be married?
Claudio: I guess so.
Hero: Surprise!
Claudio: My God! You're not dead! What an unexpected surprise! This is certainly a new device... no one's EVER come back to life in a Shakespeare play before...
Hero: Quit playing literary critic and let's get married.
Claudio: You mean you forgive me for dumping you, embarrassing you, slandering you, and generally making an ass of myself?
Hero: This is a comedy, remember? It's in the rules. At the end of Shakespearian comedies, everyone gets married, at the end of tragedies, everyone dies. It's not that hard.
Beatrice: ... but the told me you were really in love with me!
Benedick: That's funny, the way I heard it, you were in love with me first!
Beatrice: We've been set up! It was all a trick!
Benedick: They manipulated us into thinking we were in love!
Beatrice: The nerve!
Benedick: Oh, well. Wanna get married anyway?
Beatrice: Sure, sounds good. I love you, my sweet sugar-pookie-kins.
Benedick: And I love you, my darling honey beary dovey do.
