The Condensed Version of Hamlet, Prince of Denmark
by Sicily

One extra note: There's another shortened version of this play, also posted at FanFiction.Net. The author's name is Cherry Blossom, and her version of this particular play came first. I don't think I ripped her off; it's been awhile since I read her fiver and I tried to be original. Anyway, if you liked this and want more Hamlet, or if you hate this and want to see it done better, there is an alternative. :) (She saw my earlier parodies and took the concept and ran with it. I'm just catching up-- I liked this play and wanted to condense it as well.)

Acknowledgments: My English teacher. No, really. There are minor advantages to assigning a Shakespeare play over spring break, but don't tell anyone I said so. Also D.C. and Blue. Y'all are awesome. :)


Marcellus: We saw a ghost here yesterday.
Horatio: Uh-huh, sure.
Ghost: Boo.
Bernardo: Dude. Creepy.

Claudius: As you know, Laertes: my older brother, the real king of Denmark and Hamlet's father, is dead, and I have married his queen, my former sister-in-law. I am king now, even though Hamlet is of age. Got all that?
Laertes: You were right. I did know all that.
Claudius: True enough, but the audience didn't, so...
Laertes: Point taken. Hey, can I go to France?
Claudius: Sure, have fun. I'll expect you back in Act V, though, you're scheduled to die.
Laertes: I am? How'd you know?
Claudius: I didn't; I'm playing the odds. This is Hamlet, after all.

Claudius: Yo, Hamlet, my man. Why so sad?
Gertrude: Yeah, what's up?
Hamlet: Sorry, top secret. If I told you, I'd have to kill you.
Claudius: Aw, I bet you're still mad about your father being dead. You're such a sissy.

Hamlet: I'm not either a sissy. I'm a slightly crazed romantic idealist indecisive manic depressive, thank you very much.

Horatio: Yo yo yo, man, how's it going?
Hamlet: Life is rotten. My dad's dead and my mom married his brother.
Horatio: You are kind of obsessing on that topic.
Hamlet: Wouldn't you?
Horatio: Okay, okay, fair enough. Oh, and I saw his ghost.
Hamlet: Really? My dad? Lemme see.

Laertes: Write me. Oh, and Hamlet's an idiot; I wouldn't fall for him if I were you.
Ophelia: You're not me, you're my brother. But thanks anyway.
Polonius: Here, have some platitudes and cliché advice for the road.
Laertes: Holy mackerel, Dad! Thanks! You're so swell!
Polonius: Oh, and Ophelia? Hamlet stinks.
Ophelia: Why is everyone so against my boyfriend?
Polonius: Hey, we're just trying to soften the blow so when he dumps you in Act III it won't be such a shock.

Horatio: Brrr.
Hamlet: So, where is this alleged ghost?
Ghost: Boo.
Hamlet: Hi there! Let's get a round of applause for our special guest, the Ghost! So, tell us about yourself. You a good ghost, a bad ghost, a Casper ghost...?
Horatio: Looks like it wants to talk to you alone.
Marcellus: Wooohooooo! Kinky!
Horatio: Look, just make sure it doesn't make you go crazy, nudge-nudge, wink-wink, okay?

Hamlet: Okay, we're alone.
Ghost: Hamlet . . . I am your father!
Hamlet:
For the love of all things holy, can we not have one of these things that is completely free from pop culture references?
Ghost: Sorry, but it's a tradition. And this was so easy!
Hamlet: Whatever. You going to give us a plot for the play, or should I just leave?
Ghost: Fine, fine. Kill your uncle. He killed your dad.
Hamlet: But two wrongs won't make a right.
Ghost: Yes, but your alternative is spending these two hours doing a standup comedy routine. We have to entertain the audience somehow.
Hamlet: Point taken. Kill my uncle. Sounds good.

Horatio: So, what happened?
Hamlet:
He threatened to make me do standup comedy.
Horatio: AAAAUUUUGHHH!
Hamlet: Don't worry, we found a different plot. I'm going to pretend to be insane, and you get to decide if it's an act or the real thing. Now promise that you won't tell anybody that.
Horatio: That standup comedy thing is sounding better and better.

Polonius: Go find out how Laertes is.
Reynaldo: Okay.
Polonius: Also, slander him and make everyone think he's an impetuous fool.
Reynaldo: The heck?
Polonius: Just do it, okay?

Ophelia: Daddy! Daddy, Hamlet is acting crazy.
Polonius: Hon, get used to it. I tried to warn you before, but did you listen? Noooooo.

Claudius: Welcome, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern!
Gertrude: What are you doing?
Rosencrantz: Flipping coins. But we'll stop now.
Claudius: Huh?
Guildenstern: Don't even try to understand that one. The author is a Stoppard fan, that's all you need to know.

Polonius: I know why Hamlet's crazy!
Claudius: He knows why Hamlet's crazy!
Gertrude: So do I. His dad's dead and we got married. Geez, people, it doesn't take a rocket scientist. He's only been griping about it every single time he's been on stage.

Voltemand: So, do you like stuff?
Claudius: God, is Voltemand really your name? What were your parents thinking?
Voltemand: *sniffle* Fine. If you're going to insult me, I'll just leave now. It's not like I had a purpose in this scene anyway, and now you make fun of my name?

Polonius: I think you should know, Hamlet is certifiably insane.
Gertrude: Cut to the chase, why don't you? We knew that already.
Polonius: I think it's because he's in love with my daughter.
Claudius: Really? What gives you that idea?
Polonius: This letter.
Gertrude: Dearest darling snookie-pums, you are the most bestest wonderfulest lady ever ever ever and I heart you so much I'm going plum crazy. Your love-turkey, Hamlet. Huh. Okay, sounds reasonable.
Polonius: See, before I saw this, I thought it was just a crush, and I told her not to give him the time of day. But now he's turned into a crazed stalker, so I'm thinking I should give her my permission to date him.
Gertrude: Not entirely sure I follow your reasoning, but whatever.

Polonius: What are you reading?
Hamlet: Words.
Polonius: My god, you're so reasonable you must be crazy! I can barely understand the logic!
Hamlet: Yes, many people have had that reaction.

Rosencrantz: Hi!
Hamlet: Hi! What the blazes are you doing here?
Guildenstern: We just, uh, came to visit.
Hamlet: Uh-huh, suuure. I bet my uncle paid you to find out why I'm acting insane.
Rosencrantz: Um, no! That's not it!
Guildenstern: How could you possibly get that idea?
Hamlet:
I'm crazy, remember?

Rosencrantz: There are some actors on their way here.
Hamlet: Auuuuugh! Actors? Eeek! Actors scare me!
Guildenstern: But these ones are willing double as a plot device.
Hamlet: Oh, that's okay then.

Polonius: Actors are here.
Hamlet: Snickerdoodle, hawknose, pussywillow.

Hamlet: I want you to do a play.
Player: Wait, back up a sec, Dr. Science. What is this you speak of, and where can I find one? No one's ever asked me to do a play before. God. New concepts.
Hamlet: Ha ha, very funny. I'm the one that's supposed to be insane here.

Hamlet: Hi, audience! Ready to hear my Mad Scheme? I'm going to have the players act out the whole younger-brother-kills-older-brother-for-wife-and-power plot, and watch my uncle's face. I figure, if he blushes, he's guilty. Yes, this is a dumb and potentially flawed assumption, but I'm insane, so I'm allowed to have those.

Gertrude: So, whaddaya think?
Rosencrantz: Hamlet is crazy.
Claudius: I swear to God, I hear that one more time, I'll go crazy.
Gertrude: Uh, anything else to report?
Polonius: Hamlet's crazy and he wants you to see a play.
Claudius: Hey, can I point out something? We all know Hamlet's crazy. We want to know why. Just telling us he's crazy is dumb. We already know that. Okay, done now.
Guildenstern: Get the feeling the author has some issues to work out with this play?
Gertrude: Just a few.

Hamlet: To be, or not to be, that is the question. That is also the most recognizable line in all of Shakespeare, so if you needed it condensed for you, you're lame. Lame, lame, lame. Sheesh. Kids these days.

Ophelia: Hi.
Hamlet: Hi.
Ophelia: I love you.
Hamlet: That's my line.
Ophelia: No, actually, in this scene you're supposed to hate me.
Hamlet: Oh, hey, you're right! Sorry, lost track. Give me the cue again?
Ophelia: I love you!
Hamlet: Ahem. I hate you!
Ophelia: Oh woe is me! How awful! I want to die!

Claudius: What's wrong?
Ophelia: Hamlet hates me! Also, he's insane!
Polonius: Well, in that case, I'd take it as a compliment.
Ophelia: You're no help at all.

Hamlet: Now read the speech I gave you. And do it exactly perfectly the way I want it. The first time.
Player: I don't like you very much at all, you know?
Hamlet: Never mind. Go away.

Polonius: Hi. Bye.
Rosencrantz: Hi. Bye.
Guildenstern: Hi. Bye.
Hamlet: What. Ever.

Hamlet: You know, Horatio, you're pretty cool.
Horatio: Thanks.

Hamlet: Plays, man. Plays are so cool.
Claudius: What did you say? Okay, now we know he's crazy.

Hamlet:
Hi.
Ophelia: Don't even try to flirt with me. Do you know how much I'm paying in therapy bills right now? And it's all your fault.
Hamlet: Geez. Touchy touchy.

PlayerKing: Wow, ain't life grand?
PlayerQueen: Sure is.
PlayerEvilBrother: Die! Die! Die!
PlayerKing: Never mind.
PlayerEvilBrother: I love you.
PlayerQueen: Let's get married.
PlayerEvilBrother: Yes, now that I have killed my brother and become king, let's give this scandal that whole Hollywood touch.
Claudius: Drat, they're on to me.

Hamlet: So, didja get it? Didja understand what's happening, do you get what's going on, can I explain anything to you?
Claudius: Go away.

Guildenstern: The king left, he wants you to know he's very upset.
Rosencrantz: I think you hurt his feelings.
Hamlet: Aha! My plot worked!
Guildenstern: Sure it did.
Rosencrantz: If by you mean was purely show and meant nothing substantial except that your uncle is squeamish.

Claudius: Okay, that play thing? That was the last straw. I'm sending Hamlet to England with you.
Guildenstern: Duh, what good will that do?
Claudius: Well, either they'll kill him, or he'll betray you and they'll kill you instead. Either way, I win.

Polonius: Hamlet's gone to see his mother. Want me to spy on him?
Claudius: If you wouldn't mind, that'd be great.

Claudius: Drat, I hate feeling guilty. Please, God, make me not guilty for killing my brother, marrying his wife, seizing his kingdom and trying to kill his son. Please?
Hamlet: Shoot, he's praying. I can't kill him while's he's praying, no matter how awful he is. Whether that's because I'm pious or indecisive I'll leave up to you.

Polonius: I'll just hide back here if that's all right.
Gertrude: No prob. Hi, Hamlet!
Hamlet: Mom, I hate you.
Gertrude: Well, I'm not excessively fond of you either, comes to that.
Hamlet: Say, do you think we have some sort of Oedipus/Jocasta relationship going on? Something that would imply a deeper meaning in this so called hatred?
Gertrude: I think you shouldn't bring literary analysis into a parody.
Hamlet: Yeah, guess you're right. Just wondering.
Polonius: Cough, cough. Ahem.
Hamlet: What in the heck?
[Hamlet kills Polonius.]
Gertrude: That was not a nice thing to do.
Hamlet: You know, Mom, you killed your husband, married his brother, and tried to disinherit your son, so if I were you I'd quit acting like a sparkling example of purity and virtue, mmmkay?
Ghost: Hamlet, don't get out of hand and kill your mom, too. Focus on your uncle Claudius for right now. Task at hand, and all that. You've got two more acts. There'll plenty of time to get all Orestes and kill your mom or whatever later.
Hamlet: You so spoil my fun.

Gertrude: So anyway, Claudius wants you to go to England with Rosencrantz and Guildenstern.
Hamlet: He wants to get rid of me? Like, I'm shocked to hear you say that.

Claudius: So, how's Hamlet doing?
Gertrude: He's crazy! Also, he killed Polonius.
Claudius: Okay, that settles it, I'm getting him away from me.

Rosencrantz: So, what did you do with the body?
Hamlet: Body?
Guildenstern: Polonius. We heard you killed Polonius.
Hamlet: Oh, that body. Stashed it in a dumpster, why?
Rosencrantz: Do you ever think of yourself as actually dead, lying in a box with a lid on it?
Hamlet: No. I don't. And quit it with the Stoppard references; I mean it.
Guildenstern: Come on, how many chances do we get to plug the play that's named after us?
Hamlet: Yeah, well, read the whole title of that play and then shut your traps. I'm a crazy murderer, remember?

Claudius: Where's the body?!?
Hamlet: Well, heaven, if he's lucky. Want me to send you after him, so you can check?
Claudius: No, but if you keep annoying me like this, I'll send you.

Captain: So, uh, Norway is invading Poland.
Hamlet: And this involves Denmark... how?
Captain: Um, well, it mostly doesn't, except, you know, we might get involved or something. Mostly it just promises lots of blood and gore for the audience, and it kinda contributes to the general feeling of uncertainty and unrest prevalent in this play.
Hamlet: Right. If you say so.

Hamlet: I should really get revenge on Claudius, you know? Like, really. I should. I should kill him or something. I mean, he's a bad, bad man, that Claudius. I should do something really bad for him. You know, like revenge, because he killed my dad, and married my mom, and stole the kingdom and all that. Really. I should. And I will. It's on my to-do list. Honest.

Horatio: Ophelia's gone crazy.
Gertrude: Poor thing.
Ophelia: Cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo. That's me, cuckoo, cuckoo.
Claudius: Geez, you make me nervous. Follow her, Horatio.

Claudius: No wonder she went crazy, what with her father being murdered and all, and Hamlet being so mean.
Gertrude: Do you listen to yourself, ever?

Messenger: Um, bad news. The people want to overthrow you and make Laertes king.
Claudius: The hell? Laertes is just a minor lord, and besides, I thought he was on my side. I don't get this play at all.

Laertes: You bastard. Where's my dad?
Claudius: Dead. But it so wasn't my fault.
Laertes: Kay then, whose fault was it?
Claudius: Hamlet's, now that you mention it.
Laertes: That son of a --!
Claudius: That's the spirit. I vote you kill him.

Ophelia: Cuckoo, cuckoo.
Laertes: What? What happened to you?
Ophelia: Went crazy. You should try it, it's quite a trip.
Laertes: Whose fault was this?
Claudius: Hamlet's.
Laertes: You're kidding. Damn. He's a bad mother---
Gertrude: Shut your mouth!

Sailor: Letter for you.
Horatio: It's from Hamlet. He says he's been captured by pirates.

Laertes: So, why haven't you punished Hamlet?
Claudius: I was waiting for you to come do it for me, actually.
Messenger: Letter from Hamlet. He's on his way back.
Claudius: Good, you'll be able to get right to work.

Claudius: So, I've heard you're quite a swordsman.
Laertes: Okay, okay, I'll fight Hamlet for you.
Claudius: Thanks, you're the best.
Laertes: You so owe me for this.

Gertrude: Ophelia drowned herself.
Laertes: Wow. How shocking.
Gertrude: Aren't you sad?
Laertes: Well, it's not like it comes as a big surprise. This is a tragedy, remember?

Clown: So, do you think drowning yourself counts as suicide if you're crazy?
Other Clown: No, but I think our non-witty non-banter is really dull.

Hamlet: I can't believe they're chit-chatting as they dig my ex's grave.
Horatio: Well, you did drive her to insanity and are indirectly responsible for her death, so I don't think you really get to have opinions. Also, the audience needs some sort of respite from all the death and whatnot.
Hamlet: But these are grave diggers! Besides, it's not even funny!

Laertes: It so bites that my sister's dead.
Gertrude: I know, that does kind of suck, even if you were expecting it and all.

Laertes: Dammit, I can't take it anymore! Bury me with her!
Hamlet: Who are you, and why do you love Ophelia so much?
Laertes: I'm her brother, moron. Besides you dumped her and made her kill herself. This is all your fault!!
Hamlet: Too true. Whatcha gonna do about it?
Laertes: Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.
Hamlet: Hey, weren't we talking about your sister? Wait a sec -- okay, that settles it, you brought in another pop culture reference, I have to kill you now.

Hamlet: By the way, I found out my uncle was going to have me killed.
Horatio: Wow, how did you escape?
Hamlet: Forged the letter to say something else. Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are dead!
Horatio: I thought you hated pop culture references?
Hamlet: What are you talking about? That baby's from the original Shakespeare! Not my fault that Stoppard ripped him off.
Horatio: Most people consider it a homage, you know.
Hamlet: Like I give a care. Can I kill Laertes yet?

Orsic: Hi. I just want you to know, I think you're swell.
Hamlet: That's great and all, but did you have anything more meaningful to add?
Orsic: Careful. Laertes is a kick-butt swordsman, he's desperate, and Claudius offered him a reward if he kills you.

Horatio: Um, not to be a bad friend or anything, but -- you're so going to lose.
Hamlet: Aw, it's no biggie. I bet Laertes is a wimp.

Hamlet: Sorry about your sister and your dad and all.
Laertes: Aw, that's okay. No hard feelings.
Hamlet: Ready to fight?
Laertes: I'm going to kill you, you bastard.

[Hamlet and Laertes fight.]

Claudius: Want a drink?
Hamlet: No thanks, I'm in the middle of something right now.

[Hamlet and Laertes fight some more. Both are wounded.]

Gertrude: How bout that drink?
Claudius: Gertrude -- no --!

[Gertrude falls.]

Claudius: Aw, crud, it was poisoned, you idiot! Hamlet was supposed to drink it, not you!
Hamlet: Well, if you care, you got your wish. I just got stabbed with a poisoned sword.
Claudius: Excellent! What's the catch?
Laertes: I got stabbed with it too.
Claudius: Eh, well, you're expendable.

[Gertrude dies.]

Hamlet: You self-serving bastard! Now my mom's dead, too!
Claudius: Deal, you sissy.

[Hamlet stabs Claudius with the poisoned sword, then forces him to drink from the poisoned goblet, just to be sure. Claudius dies.]

Hamlet: Okay, that takes care of that.

[Laertes dies.]

Hamlet: Ooops, well, I didn't like him much anyway.

[Hamlet dies.]

Horatio: Okay, anyone else?
Ambassador: Dear god, what happened here?
Horatio: They all died. Lots of poison. Very bad. You can take over, if you like.
Fortinbras: Um, okay, I guess, seeing as how all your royalty is dead. Sure.