The Condensed Version of The Tragedy of Macbeth
by Sicily

This play borders on PG-13, for bad language.

Thank you: My family, lilichild, Turtle, Spastic, and Kate Crufi.

Oh and one more thing... for best effect, imagine Lady Macbeth speaking with a really strong Brooklyn accent.


First Witch, Second Witch, Third Witch:
Hi.
First Witch: Okay, that takes care of that. See y'all after the battle.
Second Witch: Ta ta.
Third Witch: Battle? Wait -- what battle? Hey! Is there a battle?

King Duncan: Ew, quit bleeding on my shoes. I mean, what is with that?
Malcolm: No, no, shh, this is a good guy. Ahem! How's the battle going?
Bloody Soldier: About how you'd expect. Lots of blood, guts, and gore. Macbeth is kicking arse, if you care.
King Duncan: Well, he is the title character, so I suppose we should.

Ross: The Norwegians have teamed up with the Thane of Cawdor-hint-hint and they're fighting you.
King Duncan: My God! You're, like, on Friends! That is so cool! Can I have your autograph?
Ross: No! That was supposed to sound ominous! And you ruined it!
King Duncan: Ahem. Sorry. To take the emphasis off my blunder, I hereby pronounce Macbeth the new Thane of Cawdor-hint-hint.

First Witch: So, where were ya?
Second Witch: Killing swine.
Third Witch: Huh? Huh? What does that mean?
First Witch: Shut up. Quick, everyone look mysterious. Here comes Macbeth.

Macbeth: We won.
Banquo: My God, who are they?
Macbeth: Witches.
First Witch: Hey, it's Macbeth, Thane of Glamis!
Second Witch: Hey, it's Macbeth, Thane of Cawdor-hint-hint!
Third Witch: What's a ?
Second Witch: That wasn't your line!
Third Witch: But I want to know.
Second Witch: A Scottish Lord. Now say your line.
Third Witch: But I forgot.
First Witch: Be quiet, both of you. Ahem. Hey, it's Macbeth, King of Scotland! And Banquo, whose sons will be kings of Scotland!
Macbeth: I do not get it.

Ross: Macbeth! Duncan said you're the new Thane of Cawdor-hint-hint!
Macbeth: Cool.
Banquo: But how did the witches know?
Macbeth: I do not know.
Banquo: But is the old one dead yet?
Macbeth: I do not know.
Ross: Well, no, but he was an evil, bad man, who betrayed the king. Oh, yes, that bad Thane of Cawdor-hint-hint.

King Duncan: So, is the Thane of Cawdor-hint-hint dead yet?
Malcolm: Yes. That guy over there said so.
King Duncan: Hey, Macbeth! Thanks for saving my butt! I pronounce you Thane of Cawdor-hint-hint! Banquo, you're cool, but the play's not named after you so I can't give you a title.
Macbeth: Thank you.
Banquo: Aw, no fair.
King Duncan: You all remember my son, Malcolm, heir to my throne, right?
Macbeth: Drat.

Lady Macbeth: Says here that Macbeth will be named Thane of Cawdor-hint-hint, and witches predicted he'll be King, see? But see, Macbeth, he's so, ya know, nice, that he wouldn't kill the king to be made king and all that. This is a problem already.
Messenger: King's staying here tonight.
Lady Macbeth: Ooo, I better start feeling all evil. That'll be important, see? Evil, evil, evil.
Macbeth: I'm here.
Lady Macbeth: We'll kill the king tonight, see? Then you'll become king, see? Won't that be great already?

Macbeth: Welcome.
Lady Macbeth: We're so happy to have you here, see? And we definitely won't kill you in your sleep, okay?
King Duncan: Liking it here.

Macbeth: I will kill Duncan.
Lady Macbeth: Damn straight you will, see? You're going to kill him already. I'd do it, but I'm a woman, see? And Shakespearean audiences are gonna be shocked enough that I'm planning the whole thing, so I gotta at least let you do it, know what I mean?
Macbeth: But...
Lady Macbeth: No buts, see?
Macbeth: If...
Lady Macbeth: No ifs, see?
Macbeth: Yet...
Lady Macbeth: Just kill him already.

Banquo: This is scary.
Macbeth: No.
Banquo: Hey, remember those freaky witches who...
Macbeth: No. Bye.
Banquo: Ooookay then.
Macbeth: Dagger. Midair. Odd.

Lady Macbeth: Didja do it already?
Macbeth: Yes.
Lady Macbeth: And did anyone see ya?
Macbeth: No.
Lady Macbeth: Good. You okay?
Macbeth: No.
Lady Macbeth: Well, get over it and go wash your bloody hands already.

Macduff: Knock knock.
Porter: Who's there?
Lennox: Knock knock.
Porter: I refuse to get sucked any further into that.
Macbeth: Hi.
Macduff: How's the king?
Macbeth:
Fine.
Macduff: I'll just go see. Augh! He's dead!
Macbeth: Oh.
Lady Macbeth: What's wrong?
Lennox: I can't tell you. You're a girl.
Macbeth: King. Dead. Bad.
Banquo: Oh dear!
Macduff: Macbeth got out of control and killed the guards, because circumstantial evidence links them with the murder.
Macbeth: Yes.

Malcolm: They killed him, they could kill us too.
Donalbain: Good point. Let's leave.

Old Man: I can't believe the king's dead.
Macduff: Yeah, and since Malcolm and Donalbain ran away, looks like Macbeth will be king next.
Ross: Okay, raise your hand, anyone who didn't see that coming.

Banquo: The witches were right.
Macbeth: Yes.

Macbeth: Wish I hadn't killed the king.

First Murderer: We're terrible and scary murderers.
Second Murderer: Yeah. Both of us.
Macbeth: Kill Banquo.

Lady Macbeth: Look, will you get over killing the stupid king already?
Macbeth: No.
Lady Macbeth: But are you planning to kill anyone else? Cause you should be happy, see.
Macbeth: Maybe.
Lady Macbeth: Maybe to the first part or the second part?

First Murderer, Second Murderer, Third Murderer: Hi.
Third Murderer: You here to kill Banquo?
First Murderer: Yes.
Second Murderer: Yeah. Both of us.
Third Murderer: Well, let's get to it.
Banquo: Looks like rain. [dies]

First Murderer: We killed Banquo.
Second Murderer: Yeah. Both of us.
Macbeth: Good.

[Ghost of Banquo sits in Macbeth's seat.]
Ross: Sit down, your highness.
Macbeth: No.
Lady Macbeth: Jeez, you are such a wuss, see? Will you just get over this preocupation you have with murdering people? Get on, move past it already. Seriously. I don't want to have to put you in therapy here.
[Ghost leaves.]
Macbeth: Okay.
[Ghost comes in again.]
Macbeth: Scary!
Lady Macbeth: Look, just ignore him, okay?
[Ghost leaves]
Lennox: Riiiiiight, whatever.

First Witch: Yo yo yo!
Hecate: I am Hecate, goddess of the night! Fear me! Bow before me! Kiss my feet! Admit that I am the coolest ever there was!
First Witch: Yes ma'am.

Lennox: You know, it's odd. Macbeth is made Thane of Cawdor-hint-hint, and suddenly Duncan dies, and Macbeth kills the murderers before they can admit or deny anything. Now Banquo has disappeared. Oh well. Want some pie?
Lord: Yeah, and now Macduff is gone, and so are Malcolm and Donalbain, leaving Macbeth as the only person who could take the throne. It is odd. Sure, I'd love some pie.

First Witch, Second Witch: Bubble, bubble, toil and trouble.
Third Witch: Wait, that line is really from Shakespeare? Damn. Well, you learn something new every day...
Hecate: Shut up and start acting sinister, or I'll take away your witch title.
Macbeth: What.
First Witch: Yeah, yeah, you want to know what your weaknesses are. Watch.
First Apparition: Beware Macduff.
Macbeth: Thanks.
Second Apparition: Don't worry about anyone who was born from a woman.
Macbeth: Ummm...
Third Apparition: Nothing will hurt you until a forest moves.
Macbeth: But...
Second Witch: Don't question, just nod and smile.
Macbeth:
Okay.
[Ghost of Banquo shows up.]
Macbeth: Oh drat.

Macbeth: Preemptive strike.

Lady Macduff: Why'd my husband leave? That bastard! I bet he's cheating on me.
Ross: Right. I'm sure it has nothing to do with how Macbeth wants to kill him and all.

Lady Macduff: Daddy is dead!
Macduff Junior: Way to give me material to talk over with my therapist in twenty years.
Messenger: Get out of here or you'll get killed.
Lady Macduff: But I haven't done anything wrong! How unfair!
First Murderer: Hi, we're here to kill you.
Second Murderer: Yeah. Both of us.
Lady Macduff: Oh no, oh no, oh no!
Macduff Junior: Honestly, mother. While you were screaming,they went and killed me! [dies]

Malcolm: Life sucks.
Macduff: Jeez, you'd think your father had just died or something. Oh, God, I'm sorry!
Malcolm: Are you a traitor?
Macduff: No, that's Macbeth.
Malcolm: My bad. Your names sound alike. He's a jerk.
Macduff: No shit, Sherlock. Didja figure that one out all by yourself?
Malcolm: Oh, shut up. Not only that, but he's a bad king.
Macduff: Again, I have to ask...

Ross: Life in Scotland has been rotten since Macbeth took over. He won't say more than five syllables together!
Macduff: How're my wife and kids?
Ross: Idiotic, but okay last I checked. Except for the fact that they're all dead, of course.
Macduff: That jerk!
Malcolm: Didja figure that one out all by yourself?
Macduff: Let's all get together and kill him.
Malcolm: Sounds like a plan.

Gentlewoman: Lady Macbeth is having trouble sleeping.
Doctor: How sad for her.
Lady Macbeth: Out, damnéd spot, already!
Doctor: Dear god.
Lady Macbeth: God, Macbeth, you're such a wimp! I hate you! And I wish this damnéd spot would get out already!
Doctor: This is kinda freaky.

Menteith: We're English. We're going to attack Scotland. Cause Macbeth is bad.

Macbeth: Nothing can hurt me.
Doctor: You've gone insane!
Macbeth: Gone?

Servant: There are soldiers coming!
Macbeth: I can't hear you!

Malcolm: Go into this handy-dandy forest, and everyone get a tree branch to whack Macbeth with.
Menteith: Huh?
Malcolm: I don't know why, okay? I just do what the script tells me to do!

Macbeth: They're coming.
Servant: Lady Macbeth is dead, sir.
Macbeth: Damn.
Servant: The forest appears to be moving toward you, sir.
Macbeth: Shit. But still the mother thing.

Macduff: Everyone blow your horns so our crude attempt at a sneak attack under camoflage will fail miserably and they'll know we're coming.

Macbeth: Still safe.
Siward Junior: What's your name?
Macbeth: Macbeth.
[They fight. Macbeth kills Siward Junior.]
Macbeth: Ha ha.

Macduff: Here we go.

Macduff: I'm going to kick your butt!
Macbeth: No!
Macduff: But I am the great, the mighty -- DUFF-MAN!
Macbeth: Born of woman?
Macduff: NO! I was ripped from my mother's womb in what was no doubt an incredibly painful precursor to the modern day C-section!
Macbeth: Damn!
[Macduff kills Macbeth.]
Macduff: I DA MAN!

Servant: Siward Junior is dead.
Siward: That idiot!

Macduff: He's dead! He's dead! Malcolm is now king!
Malcolm: Hey, cool. And I didn't even have to do anything.