Chapter Thirty

"Well, Kay, there's only a month of summer left and this last part of your research work with me this summer. Should be a piece of cake, actually, since you've already done it for me once." Kay was standing in front of her Professor, anxiously awaiting her last assignment. Despite her resolve to wait out Nicholas until he realized that they were meant for each other, she was rapidly becoming aware that he was just as determined to keep things between them platonic.

"So, uh, what is it you want me to do?" Kay asked, hoping that it wouldn't require too much of her time. She had to have time to plot to help herself and Nicholas out of the friend zone.

"I need for you and Nicholas to come up with another supplemental reading list for a new class I'm trying out in the fall. It's on identity and awareness. I know you've got some expertise with this Kay with your group, so you'll be taking a more central role in this. Don't let Nicholas boss you around," the professor said, winking.

Kay tried to keep the smirk off her face. "Oh, I won't, trust me," she said, and added to herself, I'm gonna take control in more ways than one.

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"So where should we start, boss lady?" Nicholas asked Kay as they got to work. He'd taken the news of them working closely together again with surprising aplomb; evidently, he was getting used to putting his feelings aside. Kay knew she was going to have to shake that up a bit.

"Well, a wise man once told me that we all should start by confronting our own privilege," she began, grinning at him.

In spite of himself, Nicholas grinned as well, thinking back to the first time they had met.

flashback

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"You guys, the problem is that people just don't recognize their privilege," Kay was in her element. A captive audience, agreeing with her every word as she ranted about the unawareness of her peers on campus was all she needed to forget her falling woes. "If people understood the concept of majority-ness, the state of being in the majority and how that is an identity in itself, instead of simply hoping that the minority will one day overcome identity itself to conform."

"Excuse me, but may I ask what your background is?" a voice from the audience asked.

"I'm sorry?" Kay jerked out of the heightened state of understanding she always felt when speaking about what she believed in. "Who asked that question?"

A tall, slim, but well-built blonde man stood up slowly and replied, "I did. I was just wondering, what is your background.. Uhhh, Kim, is it?"

Kay recovered quickly, "No, it's Kay. Kay Bennett. And please, introduce yourself and clarify your question for the rest of us," she replied smartly.

"My name is Nicholas Crane. And what I mean by background is that I was wondering about your family's economic status when you were growing up. You're speaking to us about privilege, but we haven't heard anything that suggests you've confronted your own."

Startled whispers and sudden snorts of laughter shot through the audience. Kay, for her part, kept her composure, while internally fuming at the audacity of this Nicholas Crane.

"I don't see how that could possibly be relevant but."

"Oh, but surely you do, Kay Bennett," Nicholas grinned broadly, almost startling Kay into responding with a smile of similar wattage. "You must see that your life, if you have managed to confront your own privilege, could serve as a wonderful demonstration to the rest of us as to how we may move beyond simple guilt to productivity and progress."

Trained by years of social marginalization and the nerve that comes along with it, Kay responded, "That's a wonderful point, and I'm pleased that you've paid so much attention to my presentation. My background is indeed one of economic privilege and I confront it through recognition and constant interrogation of my motives."

"A wonderful, politician's answer, Kay Bennett," Nicholas' smile almost imperceptibly transformed into a smirk. "But since you culturally aware types are always into action and affecting change, how do you turn that interrogation into productivity?"

Knowing when to quit while ahead, Kay equivocated. "Again, wonderful and perceptive question, Nicholas, but one that will have to wait for our next meeting," Kay lifted her wrist and glanced obviously at her watch. "Yes, we have now reached the end of this discussion session, but I look forward to seeing you all here at the meeting next week. This meeting of AWARE is hereby dismissed."

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end flashback

Nicholas snapped back to the present, shaking the image of a vulnerable and somehow innocent looking Kay from his mind. As he gazed at the woman sitting across from him, he realized that she'd gotten older in the year since they'd met. He had the unsettling thought that maybe he'd had as much to do with that aging as anything else. He tried to remember where their present conversation had left off.

"So Nicholas, can we assume, without making an ass out of either of us, that we've both questioned our own privilege enough to proceed now?" Kay said, gently reminding him of the topic at hand.

He smiled back at her. "Yeah, Kay, so what's next?"

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"Look, Nicholas, you cannot possibly believe that if you just make people aware of how the system has them duped into submission, they'll overthrow the government. I think people are willingly duped, and you'd be hard pressed to prove otherwise."

"Listen, Kay, I'm going to have to go with Chomsky on this one, there are structures in place that prevent people from realizing these things..." Nicholas argued back. They had already decided to throw Chomsky's infamous text, Manufacturing Consent into the curriculum, but they'd gotten side tracked debating the central issues of the book.

"Oh come on now, Nicholas, let's be a little nuanced with our arguments here. You know well enough that with post-structuralism we've been able to look beyond one way power structures..."

Nicholas smirked. "If I recall, correctly Kay, you once had to come to me to understand what post-structuralism is really about..."

flashback

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"So what did you want to know about post-structuralism?" Nicholas asked after they had gotten settled in.

Unprepared with a question pertaining to the supposed reason for their coffee break, and becoming more aware of the awkward situation she had impulsively thrown herself into, Kay stalled. "Hey, what's with the business first? Let's at least order. Look, here's the waiter."

Nicholas gave her a funny look, but placed his order. Instead of trying to press her to ask a question after their orders were taken care of, he simply looked at her expectantly.

Oh shit. Kay thought. What now? Well, at the very least, stop talking to yourself and talk to him! "So uh. yeah, post-structuralism. I guess I was wondering how to accurately describe a theory that purposefully defies being pinned down."

Nicholas smiled a strange smile at the question, pleased with her insight, and yet slightly puzzled. "Kay, that's a great question. only. you uh, asked the same question in class two weeks ago."

The same thought hit Kay again... Oh shit. Better turn the tables before he figures out exactly how full of it I was when I came up with that phony excuse to get together. "Well, Mr. Crane, it seems as though you pay more attention to what I say than I do. What's up with that?" Kay knew there was nothing to her statement, but at least now the answering was up to him.

Nicholas blushed. He had, in fact, internalized every single comment and question Kay asked in class. It was clear that her leadership of AWARE was not unfounded, she was quite easily one of the brightest students in the class, always interrogating the material, rather than simply memorizing the lecture. Of course, he wasn't quite ready to let Kay know how well-versed he was in her class participation

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end flashback

Kay grinned sadly at Nicholas as she remembered that first intense night together along with him. "Yeah well, things change, Nicholas, don't they?" she said.

Nicholas looked thoughtful. "They certainly do, Kay."

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"Okay, we've almost made it through the whole syllabus, but now we've gotta stick some current events in so they really get all this theory," Nicholas said.

"Yeah, you're right," Kay said thoughtfully. "I mean, I would say we could pick an issue and talk about it, but that wouldn't really give the students a sense of the totality of what we're talking about."

"Agreed. We've got to think of something that ties in everything, with a variety of issues. They've got three weeks for current events before the exam, it can be pretty broad..." Nicholas paused as he thought.

Kay was immediately distracted by how handsome he looked. His strong profile, softened by thought, the quirky way some of his hair in the front stuck straight up. He looked positively regal sitting across from her. A thought hit her. "Regal..." she began to laugh loudly.

Nicholas looked at her perplexed. "What did I do now that's so funny, Kay?"

"You just looked so regal sitting over there, so presidential... I was just thinking that we should do the section on Bush, he's so unaware, the students will have a field day picking apart his presidency, and they'll cover most current events that way, too." She tried to keep her giggles down to a minimum, but failed miserably. Soon, Nicholas was laughing along with her as he remembered...

flashback

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"Well, I suppose my charm has its obvious appeal, thus explaining you calling me for 'help'" Nicholas wiggled his eye brows and made quote signs with his fingers as he said "help." "So, why don't we cut through this charade and talk about what's really important here." Kay had a brief moment of panic, until he continued with a comical smirk, "Me. I'm what's really important. Go ahead, ask me anything. As long as it's to do with me."

Kay couldn't help it, she started laughing. "Why Mr. Crane, I had no idea you were so modest," she said. "Let's see. why don't you tell me where you're from?"

"Here and there," Nicholas replied with a wink.

Kay immediately sensed a challenge. "Oh really? Where were you born?"

Nicholas smiled, "It's a sad, sad story really. Quite unfortunate," he said melodramatically as he sighed in obvious angst over the story of his birth. "I was born in Paris while my mother was visiting my aunt."

Kay was confused, but persistent. "Nicholas, what in the world? What's so 'unfortunate' about that?"

Nicholas grinned even more, knowing she was gonna love this punch line. "You see, dear Kay, the location of one's birth doesn't eliminate them from having any occupation on earth. with the exception of one." He paused, waiting for her to realize what he was talking about. "It's one that I have long felt that I was destined for, one suitable to my own greatness. And alas, because I was born in Paris, I will never be able to share this greatness with the world."

Kay's immediate burst of laughter was enough to make everyone around her grin, even though they had no clue what she was laughing about. "You're such a SCHNERD, Nicholas!"

He laughed with her. "You scoff at my dream of being President of the United States?" he said with pretended offense.

"No, I scoff at your presumption that the world is missing out on 'your greatness' just because you'll never be President!" Kay managed through her laughter.

"Well, see if I share anything else with you. Although, I suppose I must. It's bad enough that I can't share this with the world in the proper capacity, I suppose I can continue to share me with you."

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end flashback

"You lied to me, that evening, you know," Kay said softly, bringing them both out of their reverie.

"What? Wait, when did I lie?" Nicholas asked, defenses up immediately.

"You said that you'd continue to share yourself with me, and you haven't done so since that night," she replied simply. "You begin to, get scared, and then stop."

Nicholas was beginning to get angry, feeling manipulated. "Listen, Kay, you know where I stand with all of this..." he began.

"Yes, I know," Kay said calmly. "What you don't seem to know is that, we could have been spending all of this time being angry at each other, all of this energy wasted, getting to know each other. Instead, you cut yourself off from me because you couldn't control everything." She looked around the room as blue light danced in the air, a product of his growing rage. "And with all of your attempts to maintain control, you still seem to be losing it," she finished quietly. Done with him for the day, she left him alone in his office.

Nicholas reigned in his temper as Kay left, leaving only him and his thoughts.

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"Kay, I know you're excited, but slow down before you..." Nicholas said to Kay's back. He cut off the end of his sentence as he watched her bump into a desk that was poking out of a classroom and crash to the ground. "Hurt yourself," he finished lamely.

He knelt beside a wincing Kay. "Kay, I know you're excited about finishing your first full syllabus, but you can't go running through the department like that, people always prop open doors during the summer with..."

"With desks, thank you Nicholas," Kay finished for him. "Desk, meet Nicholas, Nicholas, meet desk. I've just become well acquainted with desk here, you see, Nicholas?" Kay said dryly from her position on the floor. She gasped then, as pain radiated through her ankle. She made eye contact with Nicholas, who was still kneeling beside her. "I'm afraid you're going to have to pretend like you're not afraid of touching me for a moment to help me out here. Otherwise, I think my ankle is sprained and it'll be a trip to the hospital."

Nicholas returned her gaze, realizing what it was taking out of her to ask for his help after the horrible way he'd treated her last time they were in a similar situation. "Kay, I didn't really mind helping you... I don't mind helping you now, it's just that..."

"Yeah, I got, it, Nicholas, you've got control issues. Can you please take my hand now before someone sees us?"

He did as she asked, and the blue surged through both of them into her ankle. She breathed deeply as she felt her muscles re-knitting, stress being removed from her ankle bone. She met his gaze once again. "Thank you," she said simply.

"You're welcome," he replied. "Only next time, don't go running down these halls, got it?" he asked with a grin.

"Got it."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"So uh, what else can we, I mean, you do?" Nicholas asked Kay. They were in his car, on the way to have the syllabus and supplemental reading list bound. The professor didn't require it, but Kay was so impressed with herself about the whole thing that she wanted to keep her own preserved copy.

"What are you talking about, Nicholas? I'm already having the thing professionally bound, do you think I should have it gold leafed?" Kay was giving him a funny look.

"No, I meant... umm... what else can that whole blue thing do? I mean, besides cover up that cute klutz thing you've got going on?"

Kay grinned. "You think my clumsiness is cute, Nicholas?"

"Well, you know, when a puppy runs into a full length window it doesn't know is there and bounces back, it's kinda funny and cute. Your clumsiness is cute like that," he snickered at her.

"Oh shut up. Anyway, my cute klutz thing isn't nearly as impressive as Charity and I cleaning an entire apartment together."

"You clean your apartment with the blue thing? You can control it like that?"

Kay looked at him as if he were a moron. "What, you think we just go around letting blue sparks fly without control? We're learning to reign it in and put it to work. It's why you're the only one who sets of the blue in the air when we have an argument these days. I've learned to control the result of my emotions," she said loftily.

"Oh yeah?" Nicholas asked her.

"Yes," Kay replied, sure of herself.

"So if I were to say, lean over and tickle you now, you'd be able to control the blue that would result?" he asked.

This threw a pause into Kay's self-righteousness. "Umm... well, you're driving now, so we'll never know."

Nicholas smirked at her. "Sure, Kay, whatever you say." But he continued to think over what she had said about her and Charity controlling the blue they shared with practice.

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"So, how are your cousin and good old Miguel doing?" Nicholas asked Kay. They had just turned in their final product to the professor and were at Haven celebrating over Chai.

"Oh, they're great," Kay said, grinning as she thought about Miguel and Charity's mutual dopiness about each other.

"So, uh, he handles the whole blue thing okay?" Nicholas asked, attempting to be innocent with his inquiry.

Kay looked at him, her smirk letting him know that she wasn't falling for his pretense of off-handedness. "Yeah, it's a pretty funny story how he found out, actually. Charity and I were cleaning their apartment one day and Simone had told Charity..."

When Kay finished the story, she and Nicholas were both laughing.

"That is so like Simone to manipulate them into solving their problem," Nicholas said.

Kay smiled at him. "Sort of like she manipulated us this summer?"

He smiled back. "I suppose so, Kay," he allowed. "Although, ultimately, it's up to us to really solve our own problem. Simone just gives people a push in the right direction."

Kay desperately tried to keep her pulse rate in check. "So uh... you think we're moving in the right direction?" she asked him.

Nicholas gave her question serious thought before answering. "I think that's a distinct possibility."