Part Four - One size fits all
Mattie was surprised to see that the queue of people waiting to go into the building was still quite long. She obviously hadn't been in the System Lord tent as long as it had felt. The sign over the door of the building clearly read 'Quartermaster Stores'.
Uh oh, that doesn't augur well, she thought to herself.
Most of the fanfic writers in the queue were either sitting down on the ground in small groups chatting with each other while they waited, or slumped despondently against anything they could find to slump against.
She spotted a couple of obvious Daniel Jackson fans, one of whom had 'SAVE DANIEL JACKSON CAMPAIGN' on her tee shirt and the other was carrying a backpack with a BDU-clad teddy bear wearing a bandanna and glasses hanging from the strap. There were also what appeared to be a couple of Teal'c fans. This was remarkably obvious because they were wearing identical shirts with Teal'c on them dressed as he had been in the 1969 episode in the flower power shirt and wig. Mattie was beginning to feel distinctly underdressed.
The male fanfic writer they had seen earlier was a definite 'slumper' and since he had been the last one to come out of registration before Mattie went in, she found herself standing next to him.
"Hi." Said Mattie brightly.
He nodded miserably. His whole attitude was one of despondency and he showed no particular desire to introduce himself, so she decided to take the lead.
"I'm Mattie, and you are?" She held out her hand and after a moment's hesitation he took it.
"Ah, um, it's DocMcKay." He said with a very defensive attitude.
Mattie managed to hide the smirk with difficulty. "Nice name."
"Yeah, I kinda thought he and Sam made a really good couple. Much better than Jack or Sam. You're not a Jack and Sam shipper are you?" He asked anxiously. "It's just that I've run foul of that crowd so many times in the forums, that I'm a bit wary now. One fan sent me hate mail because I posted a fic that had a bit of romance between her and McKay in it while they were building a naquadria bomb to send through the wormhole to Anubis' stronghold. She said that any kind of blind SOB could see that she and Jack were meant to be together. I don't see it. I just don't see it."
His voice was beginning to rise and Mattie could see that he was getting fairly stressed, so she decided not to tell him about her Jack and Sam fics. She sighed to herself. Since meeting a few other writers and listening to the System Lords, she was slowly beginning to realise just how narrow and blinkered her writing really was.
"Er, no, actually I'm not a rampant shipper or anything, although there certainly is some chemistry there."
She realised her fatal error when she saw his face begin to turn a peculiarly attractive shade of lilac. Oops, wrong thing to say. She started to back-pedal hastily.
"I mean, there is chemistry between her and McKay as well, without a doubt, and they have much more in common with each other." She blurted out quickly before the lilac could turn to purple.
His look turned from stormy to mildly triumphant in a second.
"Exactly what I say, they have so much more in common. Why everyone thinks that she and Colonel O'Neill would marry I don't know."
Oh god thought Mattie, he's going to go off on a Sam and McKay tirade. I honestly don't think I need this right now. She prepared for the deluge, but was saved at the last minute by a dubiously welcome interruption.
"Move along now, move along now! Can't you see that the queue has moved up? You're not on a picnic you know, this is serious stuff. Seriously serious stuff. Straighten that back Airman and stop muttering to yourself. Security's the name of the game. Loose lips sink ships! We have ways of making soldiers out of you all you know."
An imperious and very familiar voice could be heard barking from the direction of the head of the queue. A moment later a mini troll version of Colonel Simmonds marched smartly into view, shoes crunching on the gravel path. Mattie blinked rapidly when she realised that he was dressed in an interesting mix of military and civilian clothing.
From the waist up, he was in Air Force blue best dress. From the waist down he was wearing golfing plus fours and on his feet he had Tommy Bahama brown and white golfing shoes complete with fringe and tassels. He wore a peaked cap which had holes in it for the horns to poke through and his ears stuck out on either side, the size emphasised by the fact that the hat was rammed so low down over them. A large label very much the same as Paddington Bear's brown luggage label, was tied to the lapel of his jacket. It had 'Col SIMONS (please do not allow near X303 under any circumstances and do not feed)' on it in big red letters.
The students in the queue scuffled nervously and lackadaisically got to their feet. As far as Mattie could see, the queue actually hadn't moved much at all. She guessed that it was part of this mini troll's duties to keep order outside the Quartermaster Stores. Still, he might have some information, like how long all this was likely to take for instance, so she decided to take the bull by the horns.
"Um, excuse me?" She said, tentatively putting her hand in the air.
Simons spun on his heel to such good effect that he turned in a complete one hundred and eighty-degree circle, so instead of facing the queue he was looking at an innocent clump of bushes in the opposite direction entirely. He shuffled around until he faced the queue again.
"Who said that?" He demanded, staring accusingly at the queue in general, and with one accord they all pointed at Mattie, who shrank back in embarrassment and whipped her hand back down.
Simons strutted up to her and stared hard into her face as best he could considering he was craning his neck to look into it.
"What is it Airman?"
"Er, I just wondered..." She began.
"Wondered? Wondered? You're not supposed to wonder in the military. You're here to learn and keep quiet." He leant closer until his nose was almost touching her belt buckle and Mattie shrank back further and further until she was practically bent over backwards. "Security Airman, that's what it's all about. Security and secrecy are the watchwords for the course. Loose lips sink ships, remember."
His voice suddenly became wheedling and his eyes were both sly and pleading.
"You don't happen to know where they parked the X303 do you? I know it's here somewhere but they won't let me near it."
Mattie started to panic. "No, I don't. I'm just new here, I don't know anything."
Simons chortled with glee and rocked back on his heels.
"That's very good Airman, security and secrecy, that's the key. You're getting the hang of this." He winked at her slyly and nudged her leg with his elbow. She distractedly noticed that his ears waggled when he winked. "So, since you don't know where the X303 is, perhaps you have a donut or something to eat?"
"No" Said Mattie quite truthfully. She realised that she was actually getting rather hungry by this time herself.
His face crumpled. "Not even a crumb or a cookie? They don't feed us very well here you know. It was much better back at NID. Nothing but the best there."
Mattie shook her head.
"Oh well. I thought students always had donuts or at least cookies. Students are always hungry." He shook his head and wandered off in the direction of the building again.
"Damn. I didn't even get a chance to ask him anything." Mattie cursed softly to herself.
"Probably couldn't have told you anything anyway, he's just a 'gofer' like all of the mini trolls." Said DocMcKay. "Why don't you look at your information pack? There's quite a bit to read in there. Some of it sounds like fun even. Apparently this is just the first area. According to the pack, there are five main areas. SGC itself, a Goa'uld stronghold complete with occupied village of slaves, underground Tok'ra tunnels, The Torture Area and the Alpha Site main complex, which is where we are at the moment. All the students are accommodated in the SGC building. The teaching staff occupy the stronghold, the Jaffa live in the Alpha site complex and I'm not really sure about the rest. I'm in Level 34, block A, Room 12."
Mattie opened up the pack which had 'CLASSIFIED DOCUMENT' written across the top of it.
"There's a map." Said DocMcKay helpfully.
By this time Chloe, ColonelSam and Martouf's Love Slave had joined the queue.
"Where's Daniellzgurl?" Asked Mattie as they walked up to her.
ColonelSam jerked a thumb in the direction of the registration tent.
"Still in there." She said with a huge grin. "According to Kronos with a K, one of the System Lords asked her about her Daniel fics and why she was so fixated on him. She started burbling on like a drain and drooled all over Ra's paperwork. He wasn't best pleased, but once she got started for real, they couldn't stop her and there was a delay while Kronos with a K located drool buckets and mops. So now she's got to wait while they dry everything off."
"Serves them right, I say." Said Chloe in a savage little voice. "Good for nothing, slimy, overdressed SNAKEHEADS."
"Oh I don't know. Heru Ur and Cronus are pretty cute." Said Martouf's Love Slave.
They all turned and looked at her in disbelief. She stared back very defensively.
"What? It's just a short jump from Tok'ra to Goa'uld!" She protested. "I just never noticed how cute they were until I met them."
"Not Apophis then?" Asked ColonelSam slyly.
Marty shuddered melodramatically. "No. I make it a rule never to obsess over a man who has better make up on than I do."
This sent them all off into gales of laughter.
"So watcha doin'?" ColonelSam asked Mattie.
"Just looking at the information pack." Said Mattie, leafing through the papers in the folder. "According to this I'm accommodated in Level 33, Block B Room 6, wherever that is."
"Cool." Said ColonelSam looking at her own pack. "So am I. We're roomies!"
"Me and Daniellzgurl are next door." Said Marty. "Chloe? Where are you going to be?"
Chloe sniffled. "Level 33, Block A Room 4, with someone called Aphrodite2. I wish I was with you guys."
The others exploded into more laughter.
"Aphrodite2?" Sniggered ColonelSam. "I wonder what happened to Aphrodite1? Sounds like a furgling Goa'uld wannabe to me."
"Oh crap." Said Chloe. "Not a snakehead, they would put me in with a snakehead wouldn't they?"
Morrigan immediately poked her head out from round one of the trees.
"That wouldn't be a 'gratuitous Major Carter quote' would it?" She asked hopefully. O'Neil with one L popped up beside her and started to chivvy her away.
"No it wouldn't and we haven't got the time, for cryin.I mean for heaven's sake. We're late for Miss S and her registration staff debriefing as it is." He scolded. "Anyway, you had your quota of gratuitous character quotes for today and I think you did pretty well out of it. You got that double didn't you?"
Morrigan sighed and allowed herself to be led away. "I suppose so, but I wish they had let me join in the fun at the registration tent. I hear Cronus slipped in a puddle of some Daniel Jackson fanfic writer's drool and his cloak is completely ruined. I would have loved to have seen that."
They disappeared off behind the Quartermaster building arguing amicably as they went.
"Strange." Mused Mattie. "Have you noticed that the mini trolls have their own personalities despite the fact that they sort of look like the original? I mean Col Simons looked like the troll version of Simmonds, but I don't remember him dressing in plus fours, or a mixture of military and ordinary clothes. He seemed kind of, well, British, not American at all. I wonder what that was about."
"I can enlighten you there." Said a soft voice with a strange accent that Mattie couldn't quite place.
The newcomer was an attractive, friendly looking woman in her thirties with brown hair cut in a bob. She wore an ordinary sized nametag, which said simply 'Mrs Short - Manning and Records'.
"Hi, I'm Annette, but you'd better call me Mrs Short. I'm in charge of Manning and Records. The reason that the mini trolls are different from the originals is because not only are the names spelt wrongly in fanfics, which is why they are created in the first place, but they are also more often than not characterised wrongly as well. Sometimes fanfic writers get terribly confused about characters, their mannerisms and sometimes how they dress. They bring in Briticisms. They have them talking and doing things completely alien to the actual character. Col Simons was a product of a British fanfic writer's idea about how she thought Simmonds was characterised. It's completely wrong of course, because Simmonds is American, but she wrote him almost like a typical British officer, hence the strange dress and the way the mini troll Col Simons acts."
She glanced over towards the Quartermaster's building and smiled.
"Looks like you'd better all get your skates on and move up to the door, I think your group might be next in line for kitting out."
Sure enough, the queue seemed to have magically disappeared, but it struck Mattie that she hadn't actually seen anyone leave the building with kit. ColonelSam had noticed it too and said so.
"Ah." Said Mrs Short mysteriously. "You won't see them leave and I won't tell you why because it would spoil the whole thing."
She saw the look of trepidation on their faces and smiled reassuringly.
"Don't look so worried. We're not here to hurt or frighten you. It's just like any other college really, except it has military overtones. The other fandoms have universities as well and sometimes we overlap a little. We are bordered by the Buffy and Angel Fanfic University on one side and the Lord of the Rings Middle Earth Fanfic University on the other. Sometimes you get mini trolls from each entering over the borders of the dimensions and they have to be taken back. A lot of the rules and courses are similar because fanfic writers for all the shows tend to commit the same sort of literary crimes. Like your inability to use swear words ColonelSam. There is a set of filters in operation over all the university for those students who make their characters use uncharacteristic bad language. Every time you try to swear the filters translate it into gobbledegook."
"Gee, no seat. Er.sot, sock, soggle, siggle? Oh for furgling heck's sake, you know what I'm trying to say." Said ColonelSam in exasperation as she tried desperately to get her tongue around the right word in vain.
The rest of the group giggled.
"Exactly." Chuckled Mrs Short. "Don't feel too bad though, you're in good company with quite a few other fanfic writers right across the range of fandoms who substitute articulate vocabulary with blaspheming. It's mainly laziness really, not necessarily because they don't know the right words. Although of course some people are just plain inarticulate."
She seemed like a very pleasant woman and Mattie for one felt a little more comfortable. Mrs Short was certainly the most normal person she'd seen so far. She held out her hand.
"Thanks very much Mrs Short, I'm sure we all appreciate the explanations and reassurance."
Everyone nodded enthusiastically.
" Will we see you again?" Asked Daniellzgurl.
"Oh yes, of course you will." Smiled Mrs Short. "I'll be there at the induction tomorrow along with everyone else and I'll be in the records room supervising the Hammond Filing MiniTrolls. You'd best be off, the last one has gone in. Oh, and watch out for the hole!"
She pointed at the gravel path, which had developed a rather large hole that looked a bit like a mini-wormhole.
"Where the blubbering heck did that come from?" Asked Colonel Sam. They all skirted the hole very carefully.
"Plothole." Said Mrs Short cheerfully. "They pop up all over the place, every time someone writes a fanfic in fact or even sometimes when the real scriptwriters do a script. So you'll have to watch where you step. Rather a nuisance really. Students are forever falling down them. Not to mention the mini trolls. Trouble is we never know where the wormhole will come out. Sometimes they can land in different university altogether. Sometimes they can land up right in the middle of the Torture Area and then it's a nightmare trying to get them back. Ba'al and Terak consider them fair game. Ha! Fair Game."
She walked away chuckling to herself. "Fair Game. Gratuitous Episode reference. Hee, that'll make Miss S laugh."
"And I was just thinking how normal and reassuring she seemed." Sighed Mattie.
They had reached the door, but instead of opening it, they all stood around looking at each other, everyone waiting for someone else to grab the handle.
"Oh frell it." Said ColonelSam and reached for the handle.
As she did so it was yanked open very abruptly from the other side. They all jumped back in dismay, falling and tripping over each other, as Zipacna, complete with short tunic and feathered hat stalked through.
"Ouch."
"Watch your foggling feet will you?"
"Ow, that was my nose you idiot."
"Could someone pleaze get ov by chest? I can't breave!" This last from poor little Chloe who was at the back and had taken the brunt of all the bodies.
He stood, hands on hips, glaring down at them for a moment, face working uncontrollably, then he turned and went back through the door closing it carefully after him. A second later they could hear strange muffled sounds, possibly laughter, through the door.
"Oh. My. God!" Said Daniellzgurl. "Did you see who that was?"
"Oh yeah sure you betcha." Said Mattie and then clapped her hand over her mouth and looked around nervously. She had this feeling that Morrigan was sneaking around just waiting for someone to do another 'gratuitous Colonel O'Neill quote'. However no Morrigan appeared so she relaxed a little and helped Chloe to her feet.
The door opened again. Zipacna put his head around the door. He had distinct traces of wetness on his cheeks as if he'd been crying, or crying with laughter.
"You called me?"
"What?" They all said together.
"You said 'oh my god', I thought you were worshipping me." He drew himself up to his full height. Which was considerable if you counted the feathered headdress. "I am Lord Zipacna. Laundry, fancy hats and fashion accessories. Oh, and I do weapons too. Zats, P90's, staff weapons, you name it, we have it, except you students are forbidden to handle them yet. I hope you are the last, I was just about to shut up shop, you are fortunate that you caught me."
Mattie was the first to recover properly.
"Yes, I think we are the last." She said politely.
"Good." Said Zipacna. "I cannot be late for the registration debriefing, Miss S would be furious. I would rather face Lord Ra in all his rages than Miss S when she's angry. Get in all of you and make it quick."
They obediently trooped in the door and found themselves in a long room with shelves at the back, a long counter and a form with baskets on it against the wall. Zipacna had disappeared behind the counter and the shelves and they could hear a muffled conversation being carried on somewhere in the depths of the store.
"You said they were all gone."
"I thought they were my Lord, I went out and there was no one there."
"You are an imbecile Simons. Sometimes I wonder, why me? Why did I get the idiot Col Simons troll. Why could I not have been assigned O'Neil with one L, or Kronos with a K. at least they have a smidgen of intelligence."
"Well look on the bright side my Lord. You could have got Danyell!"
"Do not say it, in fact do not even think it! I am not listening. La la la la la la la. Just get the clothing ready and bring it out, there are five of them."
Mattie snickered. She had this mental picture of Zipacna stood there with his fingers in his ears blocking out the dreadful notion of having Danyell with his brush as a helper.
Zipacna appeared behind the counter again followed by Col Simons staggering under a huge pile of uniform green clothing, boots, hats and kitbags.
"I cannot understand how it is that nobody has created a Zipacna troll yet. Surely my name is as difficult to spell as any of the others." He sounded quite put out.
"It's the stupid hat." Came the muffled voice from behind the pile.
Zipacna looked at him in bewilderment. "The stupid hat? What has my headdress got to do with anything?"
"They all remember who you are because of the feathered hat. I understand it caused a lot of amusement among the fans and then there's the fact that they hate you because you pleaded against Skaara on behalf of Klorel and tried to blow up the Tollan homeworld."
"But I thought I had sorted the hat issue when I changed my outfit to raze the Tok'ra planet to the ground?" Said Zipacna in a hurt tone.
"Yes my Lord, but the only thing they remember is that it was Zipacna with the stupid hat."
"Oh if I could get my hands on the Stargate productions wardrobe person, they would regret the day they were ever born." Snarled Zipacna. "Put the clothing down Simons, try not to be more of an idiot than you can help."
He faced the five women, who were waiting patiently for them to stop bickering with each other.
"Get in a straight line here." He snapped. His eyes glowed.
They all shuffled into a line. Not very straight, but a line all the same. Col Simons put the clothing down at the other end of the counter. Mattie could see him concentrating fiercely muttering under his breath as he put them down in relatively neat piles, which was quite a feat considering that he was only as tall as the counter.
"Trousers, jackets, hat, boots, kitbags. Trousers, jackets, hat, boots, kitbags. Trousers, jackets, hat, boots, kitbags." He intoned as he dropped item by item on each pile.
"Oh for the love of heaven, will you just stop that?" Snapped Zipacna, not offering to help at all.
"Finished!" Shouted Col Simons.
Zipacna pointed at Martouf's Love Slave who was the nearest to the pile.
"You! Go down to the end and collect your clothing and kitbag." He then addressed the others. "When she has hers, the next one will move to collect her clothing. When all of you have your kit, move to the baskets at the back of the room, remove your outer clothing put it in the basket and get dressed in the uniforms."
Five pairs of outraged eyes swivelled in his direction.
"Get undressed in front of you and him?" Exploded ColonelSam. "Nigglebocks. You have to be frogging kidding don't you?"
Zipacna looked utterly confused. "Nigglebocks?"
"It's the anti-blasphemy filters my Lord. One of this student's fanfiction crimes is inappropriate character use of bad language. I think she might have been trying to say 'bollox', an English human slang term. It's an alteration of ballocks, testicles, from Middle English and balloks, from Old English beallucas, or so I've been told by Danyell."
Zipacna nodded sagely. "Ah!"
The girls by this time were falling about laughing.
"SILENCE!" Thundered Zipacna. They all stopped laughing and stood to attention. He came out from behind the counter and stalked up and down the line. Finally he stopped, facing them.
"I can assure you humans, that as worthy examples of womanly and desirable flesh, you fall far beneath even the average requirement of a Goa'uld. I have seen women so beautiful, so exquisite that they could inflame one's ardour just by a look. Your pathetic semi-nudity would not even raise a sweat, let alone anything else. However, since I am a reasonable person, Simons and I will retire to the back of the store. We will trust you to get dressed by yourselves. You will shout and tell us when you are ready."
ColonelSam looked at the others. They all nodded.
"Okay." She said cheerfully. "We don't have a problem with that, but no peeking."
Zipacna looked at her with a vaguely horrified expression.
"I can assure you human, that nothing was further from my mind!"
"Speak for yourself" Muttered Col Simons under his breath.
"Just get behind the shelves Simons." Snarled Zipacna. "I would like to get out of here before the end of the universe. I have an arm wrestling match with Osiris planned for after the debriefing."
They undressed and then dressed in silence.
"Oh for cryin' out loud." Said Mattie in despair, not caring whether Morrigan was hiding to catch her out in a forbidden comment. "What the hell is this supposed to be?"
ColonelSam let out a crack of laughter. "Aw, go on girl, give us a twirl then."
Mattie obediently twirled and the other four dissolved into laughter again.
"I think you have my clothes." Stuttered Daniellzgurl, wiping tears of laughter away.
Mattie's BDU's were huge. Nowhere did they even vaguely fit her. The arms of the jacket hung at least eight inches below her hands and the trouser legs were like concertinas over the boots. Her soft peaked hat was down around her nose and they could hear her feet sliding around in the boots.
"If you think that's bad." Said Martouf's Love Slave. "Take a look here!"
Her clothes were so skimpy that her trousers were halfway up her legs. They were skin-tight around the hips and rear and the arms of her BDU jacket were up to her elbow. She hadn't managed to fasten the jacket all the way up and it gaped where her rather ample breasts swelled. The hat perched on top of her grey hair and she hadn't even attempted to put the small boots on.
"Of course, I still have my Martouf tee shirt on, which isn't helping." She admitted.
The whoops of hysterical laughter got louder and louder. A game of swap was started until they were all reasonably dressed in clothes that looked shapeless, but at least were closer to the correct fit. They stuffed the spare clothing into the kitbags.
"Come out, come out wherever you are!" ColonelSam sang out. "We're ready."
Zipacna peered cautiously around the corner of the shelves. The girls stood demurely, awaiting inspection.
He stepped out and wandered up and down the line examining them closely.
"You took your time." He growled.
His gimlet gaze stopped dead at Martouf's Love Slave's jacket. It seemed to be bulging a lot more than it should around the waist.
"Is that all you?" He demanded, stabbing an accusing finger at her midriff.
Marty looked offended. "Of course it is."
"Open it."
She looked horrified and wrapped her arms around herself.
"No." She squeaked.
His eyes narrowed and glowed. "NOW human, or I will do it for you."
Marty reluctantly opened her jacket, to reveal a white tee shirt wrapped around her waist on top of the green issue tee shirt worn under the jacket.
Zipacna gingerly pulled it out using thumb and forefinger and held it at arms' length with a look of distaste.
"What is this?"
"Er, it's my Martouf 4 Ever tee shirt." Said Marty hanging her head. "It goes everywhere with me."
"Nevertheless you will leave it here in the basket!" Said Zipacna in a voice that brooked no disobedience. He went to drop it in the basket, but Marty shot over and grabbed one end of it. They proceeded to have a deadly and silent tug of war.
"Put. It. In. The. Basket." Said Zipacna pulling hard on the tee shirt.
"No." Squeaked Marty, giving an equally hard pull back. Everyone heard the distinct sound of seams ripping. Human and Goa'uld stood facing each other, one defiant and the other furious.
He lifted his hand and a ribbon device started to glow. The hiss of indrawn breaths from everyone watching probably could have been heard all over the planet had anyone been listening. Col Simons leapt out from behind the counter and caught at Zipacna's arm.
"My Lord. I really don't think this is a wise move. You know that Miss S takes fatalities on the first day very badly. She'll punish you. Remember when she gave the blue and yellow feather headdress a crew cut with the pinking shears?"
Zipacna's hand dropped and so did his face.
"Not even one little blast?" He said in a pleading voice.
"Not if you want your hats to escape the wrath of Miss S."
"I hate to admit it, but you are right." Sighed Zipacna. Everyone let out the breath they had been holding. He looked at Marty. "You may keep the shirt but everything else goes in the basket."
Marty grinned in sheer relief.
"What about the clothes in the baskets? What happens to them?"
"They will be returned at the end of the course." Said Zipacna sulkily. He wandered off in a huff, leaving Col Simons to do the finishing off honours. They heard a door slam in the back of the store.
"Right ladies, if you're ready? Grab your kitbags and follow me."
Mattie was surprised to see that the queue of people waiting to go into the building was still quite long. She obviously hadn't been in the System Lord tent as long as it had felt. The sign over the door of the building clearly read 'Quartermaster Stores'.
Uh oh, that doesn't augur well, she thought to herself.
Most of the fanfic writers in the queue were either sitting down on the ground in small groups chatting with each other while they waited, or slumped despondently against anything they could find to slump against.
She spotted a couple of obvious Daniel Jackson fans, one of whom had 'SAVE DANIEL JACKSON CAMPAIGN' on her tee shirt and the other was carrying a backpack with a BDU-clad teddy bear wearing a bandanna and glasses hanging from the strap. There were also what appeared to be a couple of Teal'c fans. This was remarkably obvious because they were wearing identical shirts with Teal'c on them dressed as he had been in the 1969 episode in the flower power shirt and wig. Mattie was beginning to feel distinctly underdressed.
The male fanfic writer they had seen earlier was a definite 'slumper' and since he had been the last one to come out of registration before Mattie went in, she found herself standing next to him.
"Hi." Said Mattie brightly.
He nodded miserably. His whole attitude was one of despondency and he showed no particular desire to introduce himself, so she decided to take the lead.
"I'm Mattie, and you are?" She held out her hand and after a moment's hesitation he took it.
"Ah, um, it's DocMcKay." He said with a very defensive attitude.
Mattie managed to hide the smirk with difficulty. "Nice name."
"Yeah, I kinda thought he and Sam made a really good couple. Much better than Jack or Sam. You're not a Jack and Sam shipper are you?" He asked anxiously. "It's just that I've run foul of that crowd so many times in the forums, that I'm a bit wary now. One fan sent me hate mail because I posted a fic that had a bit of romance between her and McKay in it while they were building a naquadria bomb to send through the wormhole to Anubis' stronghold. She said that any kind of blind SOB could see that she and Jack were meant to be together. I don't see it. I just don't see it."
His voice was beginning to rise and Mattie could see that he was getting fairly stressed, so she decided not to tell him about her Jack and Sam fics. She sighed to herself. Since meeting a few other writers and listening to the System Lords, she was slowly beginning to realise just how narrow and blinkered her writing really was.
"Er, no, actually I'm not a rampant shipper or anything, although there certainly is some chemistry there."
She realised her fatal error when she saw his face begin to turn a peculiarly attractive shade of lilac. Oops, wrong thing to say. She started to back-pedal hastily.
"I mean, there is chemistry between her and McKay as well, without a doubt, and they have much more in common with each other." She blurted out quickly before the lilac could turn to purple.
His look turned from stormy to mildly triumphant in a second.
"Exactly what I say, they have so much more in common. Why everyone thinks that she and Colonel O'Neill would marry I don't know."
Oh god thought Mattie, he's going to go off on a Sam and McKay tirade. I honestly don't think I need this right now. She prepared for the deluge, but was saved at the last minute by a dubiously welcome interruption.
"Move along now, move along now! Can't you see that the queue has moved up? You're not on a picnic you know, this is serious stuff. Seriously serious stuff. Straighten that back Airman and stop muttering to yourself. Security's the name of the game. Loose lips sink ships! We have ways of making soldiers out of you all you know."
An imperious and very familiar voice could be heard barking from the direction of the head of the queue. A moment later a mini troll version of Colonel Simmonds marched smartly into view, shoes crunching on the gravel path. Mattie blinked rapidly when she realised that he was dressed in an interesting mix of military and civilian clothing.
From the waist up, he was in Air Force blue best dress. From the waist down he was wearing golfing plus fours and on his feet he had Tommy Bahama brown and white golfing shoes complete with fringe and tassels. He wore a peaked cap which had holes in it for the horns to poke through and his ears stuck out on either side, the size emphasised by the fact that the hat was rammed so low down over them. A large label very much the same as Paddington Bear's brown luggage label, was tied to the lapel of his jacket. It had 'Col SIMONS (please do not allow near X303 under any circumstances and do not feed)' on it in big red letters.
The students in the queue scuffled nervously and lackadaisically got to their feet. As far as Mattie could see, the queue actually hadn't moved much at all. She guessed that it was part of this mini troll's duties to keep order outside the Quartermaster Stores. Still, he might have some information, like how long all this was likely to take for instance, so she decided to take the bull by the horns.
"Um, excuse me?" She said, tentatively putting her hand in the air.
Simons spun on his heel to such good effect that he turned in a complete one hundred and eighty-degree circle, so instead of facing the queue he was looking at an innocent clump of bushes in the opposite direction entirely. He shuffled around until he faced the queue again.
"Who said that?" He demanded, staring accusingly at the queue in general, and with one accord they all pointed at Mattie, who shrank back in embarrassment and whipped her hand back down.
Simons strutted up to her and stared hard into her face as best he could considering he was craning his neck to look into it.
"What is it Airman?"
"Er, I just wondered..." She began.
"Wondered? Wondered? You're not supposed to wonder in the military. You're here to learn and keep quiet." He leant closer until his nose was almost touching her belt buckle and Mattie shrank back further and further until she was practically bent over backwards. "Security Airman, that's what it's all about. Security and secrecy are the watchwords for the course. Loose lips sink ships, remember."
His voice suddenly became wheedling and his eyes were both sly and pleading.
"You don't happen to know where they parked the X303 do you? I know it's here somewhere but they won't let me near it."
Mattie started to panic. "No, I don't. I'm just new here, I don't know anything."
Simons chortled with glee and rocked back on his heels.
"That's very good Airman, security and secrecy, that's the key. You're getting the hang of this." He winked at her slyly and nudged her leg with his elbow. She distractedly noticed that his ears waggled when he winked. "So, since you don't know where the X303 is, perhaps you have a donut or something to eat?"
"No" Said Mattie quite truthfully. She realised that she was actually getting rather hungry by this time herself.
His face crumpled. "Not even a crumb or a cookie? They don't feed us very well here you know. It was much better back at NID. Nothing but the best there."
Mattie shook her head.
"Oh well. I thought students always had donuts or at least cookies. Students are always hungry." He shook his head and wandered off in the direction of the building again.
"Damn. I didn't even get a chance to ask him anything." Mattie cursed softly to herself.
"Probably couldn't have told you anything anyway, he's just a 'gofer' like all of the mini trolls." Said DocMcKay. "Why don't you look at your information pack? There's quite a bit to read in there. Some of it sounds like fun even. Apparently this is just the first area. According to the pack, there are five main areas. SGC itself, a Goa'uld stronghold complete with occupied village of slaves, underground Tok'ra tunnels, The Torture Area and the Alpha Site main complex, which is where we are at the moment. All the students are accommodated in the SGC building. The teaching staff occupy the stronghold, the Jaffa live in the Alpha site complex and I'm not really sure about the rest. I'm in Level 34, block A, Room 12."
Mattie opened up the pack which had 'CLASSIFIED DOCUMENT' written across the top of it.
"There's a map." Said DocMcKay helpfully.
By this time Chloe, ColonelSam and Martouf's Love Slave had joined the queue.
"Where's Daniellzgurl?" Asked Mattie as they walked up to her.
ColonelSam jerked a thumb in the direction of the registration tent.
"Still in there." She said with a huge grin. "According to Kronos with a K, one of the System Lords asked her about her Daniel fics and why she was so fixated on him. She started burbling on like a drain and drooled all over Ra's paperwork. He wasn't best pleased, but once she got started for real, they couldn't stop her and there was a delay while Kronos with a K located drool buckets and mops. So now she's got to wait while they dry everything off."
"Serves them right, I say." Said Chloe in a savage little voice. "Good for nothing, slimy, overdressed SNAKEHEADS."
"Oh I don't know. Heru Ur and Cronus are pretty cute." Said Martouf's Love Slave.
They all turned and looked at her in disbelief. She stared back very defensively.
"What? It's just a short jump from Tok'ra to Goa'uld!" She protested. "I just never noticed how cute they were until I met them."
"Not Apophis then?" Asked ColonelSam slyly.
Marty shuddered melodramatically. "No. I make it a rule never to obsess over a man who has better make up on than I do."
This sent them all off into gales of laughter.
"So watcha doin'?" ColonelSam asked Mattie.
"Just looking at the information pack." Said Mattie, leafing through the papers in the folder. "According to this I'm accommodated in Level 33, Block B Room 6, wherever that is."
"Cool." Said ColonelSam looking at her own pack. "So am I. We're roomies!"
"Me and Daniellzgurl are next door." Said Marty. "Chloe? Where are you going to be?"
Chloe sniffled. "Level 33, Block A Room 4, with someone called Aphrodite2. I wish I was with you guys."
The others exploded into more laughter.
"Aphrodite2?" Sniggered ColonelSam. "I wonder what happened to Aphrodite1? Sounds like a furgling Goa'uld wannabe to me."
"Oh crap." Said Chloe. "Not a snakehead, they would put me in with a snakehead wouldn't they?"
Morrigan immediately poked her head out from round one of the trees.
"That wouldn't be a 'gratuitous Major Carter quote' would it?" She asked hopefully. O'Neil with one L popped up beside her and started to chivvy her away.
"No it wouldn't and we haven't got the time, for cryin.I mean for heaven's sake. We're late for Miss S and her registration staff debriefing as it is." He scolded. "Anyway, you had your quota of gratuitous character quotes for today and I think you did pretty well out of it. You got that double didn't you?"
Morrigan sighed and allowed herself to be led away. "I suppose so, but I wish they had let me join in the fun at the registration tent. I hear Cronus slipped in a puddle of some Daniel Jackson fanfic writer's drool and his cloak is completely ruined. I would have loved to have seen that."
They disappeared off behind the Quartermaster building arguing amicably as they went.
"Strange." Mused Mattie. "Have you noticed that the mini trolls have their own personalities despite the fact that they sort of look like the original? I mean Col Simons looked like the troll version of Simmonds, but I don't remember him dressing in plus fours, or a mixture of military and ordinary clothes. He seemed kind of, well, British, not American at all. I wonder what that was about."
"I can enlighten you there." Said a soft voice with a strange accent that Mattie couldn't quite place.
The newcomer was an attractive, friendly looking woman in her thirties with brown hair cut in a bob. She wore an ordinary sized nametag, which said simply 'Mrs Short - Manning and Records'.
"Hi, I'm Annette, but you'd better call me Mrs Short. I'm in charge of Manning and Records. The reason that the mini trolls are different from the originals is because not only are the names spelt wrongly in fanfics, which is why they are created in the first place, but they are also more often than not characterised wrongly as well. Sometimes fanfic writers get terribly confused about characters, their mannerisms and sometimes how they dress. They bring in Briticisms. They have them talking and doing things completely alien to the actual character. Col Simons was a product of a British fanfic writer's idea about how she thought Simmonds was characterised. It's completely wrong of course, because Simmonds is American, but she wrote him almost like a typical British officer, hence the strange dress and the way the mini troll Col Simons acts."
She glanced over towards the Quartermaster's building and smiled.
"Looks like you'd better all get your skates on and move up to the door, I think your group might be next in line for kitting out."
Sure enough, the queue seemed to have magically disappeared, but it struck Mattie that she hadn't actually seen anyone leave the building with kit. ColonelSam had noticed it too and said so.
"Ah." Said Mrs Short mysteriously. "You won't see them leave and I won't tell you why because it would spoil the whole thing."
She saw the look of trepidation on their faces and smiled reassuringly.
"Don't look so worried. We're not here to hurt or frighten you. It's just like any other college really, except it has military overtones. The other fandoms have universities as well and sometimes we overlap a little. We are bordered by the Buffy and Angel Fanfic University on one side and the Lord of the Rings Middle Earth Fanfic University on the other. Sometimes you get mini trolls from each entering over the borders of the dimensions and they have to be taken back. A lot of the rules and courses are similar because fanfic writers for all the shows tend to commit the same sort of literary crimes. Like your inability to use swear words ColonelSam. There is a set of filters in operation over all the university for those students who make their characters use uncharacteristic bad language. Every time you try to swear the filters translate it into gobbledegook."
"Gee, no seat. Er.sot, sock, soggle, siggle? Oh for furgling heck's sake, you know what I'm trying to say." Said ColonelSam in exasperation as she tried desperately to get her tongue around the right word in vain.
The rest of the group giggled.
"Exactly." Chuckled Mrs Short. "Don't feel too bad though, you're in good company with quite a few other fanfic writers right across the range of fandoms who substitute articulate vocabulary with blaspheming. It's mainly laziness really, not necessarily because they don't know the right words. Although of course some people are just plain inarticulate."
She seemed like a very pleasant woman and Mattie for one felt a little more comfortable. Mrs Short was certainly the most normal person she'd seen so far. She held out her hand.
"Thanks very much Mrs Short, I'm sure we all appreciate the explanations and reassurance."
Everyone nodded enthusiastically.
" Will we see you again?" Asked Daniellzgurl.
"Oh yes, of course you will." Smiled Mrs Short. "I'll be there at the induction tomorrow along with everyone else and I'll be in the records room supervising the Hammond Filing MiniTrolls. You'd best be off, the last one has gone in. Oh, and watch out for the hole!"
She pointed at the gravel path, which had developed a rather large hole that looked a bit like a mini-wormhole.
"Where the blubbering heck did that come from?" Asked Colonel Sam. They all skirted the hole very carefully.
"Plothole." Said Mrs Short cheerfully. "They pop up all over the place, every time someone writes a fanfic in fact or even sometimes when the real scriptwriters do a script. So you'll have to watch where you step. Rather a nuisance really. Students are forever falling down them. Not to mention the mini trolls. Trouble is we never know where the wormhole will come out. Sometimes they can land in different university altogether. Sometimes they can land up right in the middle of the Torture Area and then it's a nightmare trying to get them back. Ba'al and Terak consider them fair game. Ha! Fair Game."
She walked away chuckling to herself. "Fair Game. Gratuitous Episode reference. Hee, that'll make Miss S laugh."
"And I was just thinking how normal and reassuring she seemed." Sighed Mattie.
They had reached the door, but instead of opening it, they all stood around looking at each other, everyone waiting for someone else to grab the handle.
"Oh frell it." Said ColonelSam and reached for the handle.
As she did so it was yanked open very abruptly from the other side. They all jumped back in dismay, falling and tripping over each other, as Zipacna, complete with short tunic and feathered hat stalked through.
"Ouch."
"Watch your foggling feet will you?"
"Ow, that was my nose you idiot."
"Could someone pleaze get ov by chest? I can't breave!" This last from poor little Chloe who was at the back and had taken the brunt of all the bodies.
He stood, hands on hips, glaring down at them for a moment, face working uncontrollably, then he turned and went back through the door closing it carefully after him. A second later they could hear strange muffled sounds, possibly laughter, through the door.
"Oh. My. God!" Said Daniellzgurl. "Did you see who that was?"
"Oh yeah sure you betcha." Said Mattie and then clapped her hand over her mouth and looked around nervously. She had this feeling that Morrigan was sneaking around just waiting for someone to do another 'gratuitous Colonel O'Neill quote'. However no Morrigan appeared so she relaxed a little and helped Chloe to her feet.
The door opened again. Zipacna put his head around the door. He had distinct traces of wetness on his cheeks as if he'd been crying, or crying with laughter.
"You called me?"
"What?" They all said together.
"You said 'oh my god', I thought you were worshipping me." He drew himself up to his full height. Which was considerable if you counted the feathered headdress. "I am Lord Zipacna. Laundry, fancy hats and fashion accessories. Oh, and I do weapons too. Zats, P90's, staff weapons, you name it, we have it, except you students are forbidden to handle them yet. I hope you are the last, I was just about to shut up shop, you are fortunate that you caught me."
Mattie was the first to recover properly.
"Yes, I think we are the last." She said politely.
"Good." Said Zipacna. "I cannot be late for the registration debriefing, Miss S would be furious. I would rather face Lord Ra in all his rages than Miss S when she's angry. Get in all of you and make it quick."
They obediently trooped in the door and found themselves in a long room with shelves at the back, a long counter and a form with baskets on it against the wall. Zipacna had disappeared behind the counter and the shelves and they could hear a muffled conversation being carried on somewhere in the depths of the store.
"You said they were all gone."
"I thought they were my Lord, I went out and there was no one there."
"You are an imbecile Simons. Sometimes I wonder, why me? Why did I get the idiot Col Simons troll. Why could I not have been assigned O'Neil with one L, or Kronos with a K. at least they have a smidgen of intelligence."
"Well look on the bright side my Lord. You could have got Danyell!"
"Do not say it, in fact do not even think it! I am not listening. La la la la la la la. Just get the clothing ready and bring it out, there are five of them."
Mattie snickered. She had this mental picture of Zipacna stood there with his fingers in his ears blocking out the dreadful notion of having Danyell with his brush as a helper.
Zipacna appeared behind the counter again followed by Col Simons staggering under a huge pile of uniform green clothing, boots, hats and kitbags.
"I cannot understand how it is that nobody has created a Zipacna troll yet. Surely my name is as difficult to spell as any of the others." He sounded quite put out.
"It's the stupid hat." Came the muffled voice from behind the pile.
Zipacna looked at him in bewilderment. "The stupid hat? What has my headdress got to do with anything?"
"They all remember who you are because of the feathered hat. I understand it caused a lot of amusement among the fans and then there's the fact that they hate you because you pleaded against Skaara on behalf of Klorel and tried to blow up the Tollan homeworld."
"But I thought I had sorted the hat issue when I changed my outfit to raze the Tok'ra planet to the ground?" Said Zipacna in a hurt tone.
"Yes my Lord, but the only thing they remember is that it was Zipacna with the stupid hat."
"Oh if I could get my hands on the Stargate productions wardrobe person, they would regret the day they were ever born." Snarled Zipacna. "Put the clothing down Simons, try not to be more of an idiot than you can help."
He faced the five women, who were waiting patiently for them to stop bickering with each other.
"Get in a straight line here." He snapped. His eyes glowed.
They all shuffled into a line. Not very straight, but a line all the same. Col Simons put the clothing down at the other end of the counter. Mattie could see him concentrating fiercely muttering under his breath as he put them down in relatively neat piles, which was quite a feat considering that he was only as tall as the counter.
"Trousers, jackets, hat, boots, kitbags. Trousers, jackets, hat, boots, kitbags. Trousers, jackets, hat, boots, kitbags." He intoned as he dropped item by item on each pile.
"Oh for the love of heaven, will you just stop that?" Snapped Zipacna, not offering to help at all.
"Finished!" Shouted Col Simons.
Zipacna pointed at Martouf's Love Slave who was the nearest to the pile.
"You! Go down to the end and collect your clothing and kitbag." He then addressed the others. "When she has hers, the next one will move to collect her clothing. When all of you have your kit, move to the baskets at the back of the room, remove your outer clothing put it in the basket and get dressed in the uniforms."
Five pairs of outraged eyes swivelled in his direction.
"Get undressed in front of you and him?" Exploded ColonelSam. "Nigglebocks. You have to be frogging kidding don't you?"
Zipacna looked utterly confused. "Nigglebocks?"
"It's the anti-blasphemy filters my Lord. One of this student's fanfiction crimes is inappropriate character use of bad language. I think she might have been trying to say 'bollox', an English human slang term. It's an alteration of ballocks, testicles, from Middle English and balloks, from Old English beallucas, or so I've been told by Danyell."
Zipacna nodded sagely. "Ah!"
The girls by this time were falling about laughing.
"SILENCE!" Thundered Zipacna. They all stopped laughing and stood to attention. He came out from behind the counter and stalked up and down the line. Finally he stopped, facing them.
"I can assure you humans, that as worthy examples of womanly and desirable flesh, you fall far beneath even the average requirement of a Goa'uld. I have seen women so beautiful, so exquisite that they could inflame one's ardour just by a look. Your pathetic semi-nudity would not even raise a sweat, let alone anything else. However, since I am a reasonable person, Simons and I will retire to the back of the store. We will trust you to get dressed by yourselves. You will shout and tell us when you are ready."
ColonelSam looked at the others. They all nodded.
"Okay." She said cheerfully. "We don't have a problem with that, but no peeking."
Zipacna looked at her with a vaguely horrified expression.
"I can assure you human, that nothing was further from my mind!"
"Speak for yourself" Muttered Col Simons under his breath.
"Just get behind the shelves Simons." Snarled Zipacna. "I would like to get out of here before the end of the universe. I have an arm wrestling match with Osiris planned for after the debriefing."
They undressed and then dressed in silence.
"Oh for cryin' out loud." Said Mattie in despair, not caring whether Morrigan was hiding to catch her out in a forbidden comment. "What the hell is this supposed to be?"
ColonelSam let out a crack of laughter. "Aw, go on girl, give us a twirl then."
Mattie obediently twirled and the other four dissolved into laughter again.
"I think you have my clothes." Stuttered Daniellzgurl, wiping tears of laughter away.
Mattie's BDU's were huge. Nowhere did they even vaguely fit her. The arms of the jacket hung at least eight inches below her hands and the trouser legs were like concertinas over the boots. Her soft peaked hat was down around her nose and they could hear her feet sliding around in the boots.
"If you think that's bad." Said Martouf's Love Slave. "Take a look here!"
Her clothes were so skimpy that her trousers were halfway up her legs. They were skin-tight around the hips and rear and the arms of her BDU jacket were up to her elbow. She hadn't managed to fasten the jacket all the way up and it gaped where her rather ample breasts swelled. The hat perched on top of her grey hair and she hadn't even attempted to put the small boots on.
"Of course, I still have my Martouf tee shirt on, which isn't helping." She admitted.
The whoops of hysterical laughter got louder and louder. A game of swap was started until they were all reasonably dressed in clothes that looked shapeless, but at least were closer to the correct fit. They stuffed the spare clothing into the kitbags.
"Come out, come out wherever you are!" ColonelSam sang out. "We're ready."
Zipacna peered cautiously around the corner of the shelves. The girls stood demurely, awaiting inspection.
He stepped out and wandered up and down the line examining them closely.
"You took your time." He growled.
His gimlet gaze stopped dead at Martouf's Love Slave's jacket. It seemed to be bulging a lot more than it should around the waist.
"Is that all you?" He demanded, stabbing an accusing finger at her midriff.
Marty looked offended. "Of course it is."
"Open it."
She looked horrified and wrapped her arms around herself.
"No." She squeaked.
His eyes narrowed and glowed. "NOW human, or I will do it for you."
Marty reluctantly opened her jacket, to reveal a white tee shirt wrapped around her waist on top of the green issue tee shirt worn under the jacket.
Zipacna gingerly pulled it out using thumb and forefinger and held it at arms' length with a look of distaste.
"What is this?"
"Er, it's my Martouf 4 Ever tee shirt." Said Marty hanging her head. "It goes everywhere with me."
"Nevertheless you will leave it here in the basket!" Said Zipacna in a voice that brooked no disobedience. He went to drop it in the basket, but Marty shot over and grabbed one end of it. They proceeded to have a deadly and silent tug of war.
"Put. It. In. The. Basket." Said Zipacna pulling hard on the tee shirt.
"No." Squeaked Marty, giving an equally hard pull back. Everyone heard the distinct sound of seams ripping. Human and Goa'uld stood facing each other, one defiant and the other furious.
He lifted his hand and a ribbon device started to glow. The hiss of indrawn breaths from everyone watching probably could have been heard all over the planet had anyone been listening. Col Simons leapt out from behind the counter and caught at Zipacna's arm.
"My Lord. I really don't think this is a wise move. You know that Miss S takes fatalities on the first day very badly. She'll punish you. Remember when she gave the blue and yellow feather headdress a crew cut with the pinking shears?"
Zipacna's hand dropped and so did his face.
"Not even one little blast?" He said in a pleading voice.
"Not if you want your hats to escape the wrath of Miss S."
"I hate to admit it, but you are right." Sighed Zipacna. Everyone let out the breath they had been holding. He looked at Marty. "You may keep the shirt but everything else goes in the basket."
Marty grinned in sheer relief.
"What about the clothes in the baskets? What happens to them?"
"They will be returned at the end of the course." Said Zipacna sulkily. He wandered off in a huff, leaving Col Simons to do the finishing off honours. They heard a door slam in the back of the store.
"Right ladies, if you're ready? Grab your kitbags and follow me."
