Part Five - Who's been sleeping in my bed, said Momma Bear?

The journey to the SGC accommodation blocks had been rather interesting to say the least, via another wormhole. This deposited them on the actual ramp of the Stargate in the gateroom itself. Mattie grinned to herself as she landed firmly on both feet this time with the minimum of nausea. She could get used to this form of travel.

"Oh. My. God. We're in the actual Gateroom." Said Daniellzgurl. Her eyes were like saucers.

ColonelSam nudged Mattie in the ribs. "Whatever you do, don't tell her that I just saw Daniel up there in the control room."

"You did? Where?" Mattie craned her neck to see. All she could see were the technicians sitting behind the computers that controlled the gate.

"You're late. Are you the last lot of students?" Major Davis stood at the bottom of the ramp.

"Er. Yes sir." Said Martouf's Love Slave.

He grinned. "I'm Major Davis, the Pentagon Liaison. Just five of you?"

They all nodded.

"Good, well you should have your assigned accommodation details in your packs and the Airman here will show you where to go. When you get to your quarters you'll find a bib with your specific number, which was assigned to you at registration, on it. Wear the bib at all times, it's how we will recognise you. Fandom pseudonyms are too confusing, because many of them are duplicated, although they're usually spelled differently, hence the number. When you're settled, head to the commissary and get your meal. SGC personnel work in shifts so the commissary is open 24 hours. This doesn't mean that you can sit there for 24 hours. There is a recreation room where you can go during your off duty periods. However, my advice would be to get some sleep. Induction is at 08:00 hours tomorrow morning in the large briefing theatre, if you're not there and seated by 07.55 hours, you will fail the course by default. There are maps of the base in your rooms, but it's quite a big place with lots of levels, so carry it with you at all times. If you get in the elevator and it travels straight down to level 40 without stopping, do not get out. The doors will not open for that level unless you specifically hit the open door button. It would be extremely unwise for you to do so. Is that all clear?"

They all nodded again. Mattie was beginning to feel like one of those nodding dogs on the back window of cars. ColonelSam nudged her again as they meekly trudged after the Airman.

"Cor' he's a bit of alright isn't he? I never really noticed before. I wonder what's on level 40?"

"I have no idea and I'm not all that eager to find out." Responded Mattie. "I need food and sleep."

ColonelSam grinned. "So you do think you're awake then?"

Mattie looked startled. "What do you mean?"

"Nothing, just that, well, every now and again you mutter 'I am asleep, I am asleep' under your breath. It's okay though, I've been trying to tell myself that this is just some bizarre dream the whole time I've been here. I have a feeling we all are. So you're not even curious about level 40?"

Mattie shrugged. "With my luck, it'll be where Ba'al and the torture chamber is."

The elevator doors slid shut and the Airman punched the level 33 button. Like most elevator rides, nobody ever talks in them, so they rode in silence. The elevator smoothly moved down the shaft, level 31, 32, 33, 34, 35.

"Shouldn't we have stopped at 33?" Asked Chloe anxiously. The Airman said nothing. He rolled his eyes and then closed them.

"I suppose this would be a bad time to mention my problem with elevators." Muttered Marty under her breath.

The elevator finally stopped at level 40, but the doors remained closed. The Airman, opened his eyes, sighed and waited with his arms folded. He made no attempt to either open the doors or re-press the level 33 button.

"Maybe someone wants to get on." Said Marty.

"Down here?" Said the Airman lifting his eyebrow. "I seriously doubt it. Nobody ever gets on the elevator here, they just get off."

"And then?" Asked Mattie nervously.

He shrugged. "I don't know, never seen anyone come back on the elevator to tell the tale!"

The elevator suddenly shuddered and then started to move upwards again. Level 39, 38, 37. The girls held their breath but once it reached level 33, the doors slid open and they all piled out with enthusiasm and relief.

"This way ladies." Said the Airman leading them along a long corridor that looked just like the corridors in the SGC. "This is Block B rooms 1 to 14. For those accommodated in Block A, follow me."

They waved a temporary goodbye to a tearful Chloe and walked along the corridor examining the room numbers for their rooms, which they found quite easily.

"It strikes me that we don't have any personal stuff with us." Remarked ColonelSam. "How are we supposed to shower and stuff if we haven't got anything to shower with? I've got no money to buy anything either. There must be shops outside the SGC."

Mattie opened the door of their room and cautiously stuck her head in.

"Something tells me we're not in Kansas any more Dorothy, and I don't care whether that's a gratuitous Jack-ism or not. I can't see there being a mall around here. I have a feeling that there's nothing here except whatever is actually in the show itself. Of course, there could be an O'Malley's Steak House, because that's in the show." She said dryly. "Maybe we'll get spare time to explore."

The room was quite pleasant, although fairly sparsely furnished. There were two beds with clean bedding folded on the bottom and the shelves above the bed had toiletries, hairbrushes and hairdryers stacked on them. Clean towels were folded neatly on one of the shelves. Their numbered bibs were laid across the pillow. As far as Mattie could see, the only disadvantage to being in the room was the lack of windows, which of course was to be expected given that they were underground.

"I don't think we need to worry about toiletries or anything." She said. "The rooms come supplied with everything."

"Really? Said ColonelSam stepping through the door and dropping her kitbag on the floor. "Cool, but I bet they don't have the shampoo I like to use. My hair is so fargling frizzy. Ooh, a new word!"

Mattie picked up a bottle.

"Frizz-tamer, the shampoo for that bad hair day." She read out loud from the label.

"You're kidding! That'll do nicely."

Mattie kicked her kitbag to one side, sat down on the bunk and picked up the bib. She slipped it over her head and fastened the ties on the side.

"This is a bit like being back at kindergarten. I feel like a toddler with an address label. One thing's for sure, I'm getting pretty hungry now. Wanna head to the commissary and grab something to eat? Then I'll probably turn in, it sounds like we're in for a busy day tomorrow."

"Good idea. Take your pack with you and we can look at the course content while we eat. This could turn out to be serious fun." ColonelSam picked up her bib and her pack.

The commissary was exactly as pictured in the show, except it was full of students instead of SGC personnel. Daniellzgurl and Marty waved frantically at them from one of the tables. They were sitting with Chloe and another couple of women Mattie hadn't seen before. Marty gesticulated that she would save two seats for Mattie and ColonelSam, so they both headed for the food counter to fetch their meals.

Most of the students seemed to be entering into the spirit of the occasion, so not surprisingly there was an inordinately long queue for the blue jello. Mattie thought it looked rather disgusting and decided to skip it. In fact, although there was a wide choice, all the food looked rather bland, like typical college food or what she'd heard about military cookhouse food from her brother who was in the military. She finally settled on a grilled chicken sandwich, french fries and a large diet coke and carried them over to the table.

"It's like being in a college refectory. Loads of bland crap, limp salads or fried stuff." She said.

"Ain't it just?" Chortled Marty. "I feel like I've gone straight back to college."

"Well so you have." Mattie glanced around the room. "Anybody interesting around?"

They all laughed.

"You mean like someone from SG1?" Asked Marty "Nah, they're all just students like us. We're all over the place. Oh by the way, this is Jadzia and Mac, short for McGyver of course."

Jadzia was a tall, willowy, very pretty girl with dark hair pulled back into a tight ponytail, very much like her character namesake. Mac was a short and slightly stout woman who had light brown hair peppered with grey. Mattie guessed she was a similar age to Martouf's Love Slave.

"So Jadzia, let me guess. Star Trek DS9 fan?" Asked ColonelSam. Mattie tucked into her meal and listened with growing fascination.

"Yep. A friend introduced me to Stargate and I got hooked when I saw Teal'c. Man is he the coolest?" Jadzia enthused. "Then I got into writing fics. The main reason I'm here is because I have a thing for writing crossovers. Mainly Star Trek and Stargate, but I admit to doing one between Dr Who and Star Trek as well. Perhaps I should also mention the Stargate and Lord of the Rings crossover too, only that's still a work in progress. That registration panel was something else wasn't it? Cronus accused me of grossly inappropriate mischaracterisation, anatomical sexual impossibilities and spontaneous tense shifting. They're a pretty scary bunch. He said I'd created at least two mini trolls who are very confused because they don't know if they belong to Stargate or Middle Earth. Apparently Miss S and Miss Cam from OFUM are having meetings about what to do with them."

"I think I saw one rushing about down in the living quarters. He was muttering something about seeing to the petty needs of the Goa'uld and Sauron." Said Daniellzgurl. "I only noticed because he looked like Daniel, only very dorky with huge elf ears. Didn't see his badge though, so I don't know what his name is. I must admit that I did wonder where a Lord of the Rings character came into the whole Stargate shebang."

"Danomir. That's his Elven name in my story." Jadzia flushed and hung her head. "He came about because I made Daniel into a descendent of Elvenkind. At the time I thought it was a really cool idea. He's supposed to be the living link between the Stargate world and Middle Earth. I could have made it work too. At least I thought I could, but I'm not so sure now. Miss S said it was a very irresponsible thing to do because the mini trolls who were created are traumatised and suffering from an identity crisis. They'll probably have to be counselled, so she's had to send for Dr Mackenzie."

"Way to go Jadzia." Chuckled ColonelSam. "I wonder if I've created any mini trolls? I might use bad language as a substitute for correct grammar, but I do try to spell the names right, and I don't do crossovers."

"Probably not then." Said Jadzia. "By way of changing this very embarrassing subject, has anyone looked at the course content list yet? We've got some obligatory courses tailored to our particular fanfic crimes to do, they're listed at the top, but we can actually choose five others from the list. The only thing we're not allowed to do is choose the courses specifically because the lecturers are our favourite characters, which is a lousy thing to do to anybody. I was so looking forward to doing the "How to create fight scenes that don't suck" course. Teal'c will be teaching on that one."

The expression in her eyes became dreamy and distant. Mac, who hadn't spoken up to this point, rolled her eyes heavenward and kicked her under the table.

"Y'all will have to excuse her." She said apologetically to the rest of them. "She tends to do this from time to time. How in hell's name she manages to keep her mind on any story she's writing, is anybody's guess."

"That's okay." Grinned Marty. "We've got another one over here who does that."

She pointed at Daniellzgurl who blushed furiously.

"I can't help it." She said defensively. "Daniel is such a hottie. Every time I see him I just 'thunk' all over the floor. Those blue eyes, that smooth, golden skin, those wonderful quirky little eyebrows that seem to have a life all of their own."

Her eyes glazed over in a most familiar fashion. This time she got four well aimed kicks on her ankle.

"Ow!" She said, reaching down to rub the offended part. "That hurt."

Chloe sniffled. "Those snakeheads are the worst. I don't know why they put them as the registration panel. They said my writing suffered from a sheer inability to string enough words together to make a coherent, well formed sentence. If I had paragraphs that is. Cronus asked if I had ever even heard of grammar, paragraphs or punctuation. He also said something about contractions and homo.homomins or something like that. How am I supposed to know what they are? I said a contraction was something to do with working. My mom does contract work sometimes. They all laughed at me."

Mattie bit her lip to stop from grinning.

"Do you mean homonyms?"

Chloe's face lightened. "That's it! Homonyms. I don't know what they are. What are they?"

"They're words with the same pronunciation but are spelt differently and they have a different meaning." Said McGyver. "Like 'bare' and 'bear'. Contractions don't have anything to do with working contracts. It's words like 'they're' which is a contraction for 'they are' and not to be confused with 'there' or 'their'."

Chloe gave her a completely baffled look. "What difference does it make? They're just words. My mom used to check my spelling and grammar when I did homework, but the teacher told her not to at a Parent Teacher Association meeting. She said it would stunt my imagination, so she stopped doing it."

Mattie chuckled. "The whole meaning of a sentence could be altered just by choosing the wrong word. Not to mention it can make a fanfic very difficult to understand. Some readers get completely put off reading a fic because of things like that."

"I think that's stupid." Said Chloe mutinously. "I write as I speak. The other things they shouted at me for were using 'u' and 'b4'. They said textspeak was moronic and displayed an utter lack of articulate vocabulary. Hathor said I was old enough to have a decent vocabulary. Then they accused me of plot implausibility, including plot development mistakes. What does that mean?"

"Oh! Oh!" Daniellzgurl piped up. "I got that one too and I asked about it. Ra said it was the usage of contrived events and overly melodramatic occurrences to further the story arc and also plot holes."

ColonelSam leaned back in her chair.

"So you're the folk we have to thank for the big plot holes that appear all over the place!" She teased.

"I think we all do the plot hole thing." Said Mattie. "Mrs Short said that even the show's writers are responsible for them."

The buzz of conversation in the commissary had quietened down considerably and the room was beginning to empty as the evening lengthened. Mattie felt better for eating, but light-headed from lack of sleep. She noticed that Marty was obviously feeling it too. Her head kept drooping on to her chest and then jerking up as she realised that she'd momentarily drifted off into a light doze. Will I be able to sleep Mattie wondered. So much had happened. Could one go to sleep and then wake up when you were convinced you were asleep anyway? Oh get a life, Mattie, she said sternly to herself. You're not asleep. Whatever all this is, it's real and you're awake as you're ever going to get.

"Oh my ears and whiskers. I'm going to be late."

A high-pitched squeak of a voice intruded into her meandering thoughts. This was followed by the sounds of thudding feet and more voices. A troop of SF's came pounding through the commissary followed by Sergeant Siler and Major Davis. They appeared to be chasing the apparition that had stopped beside Mattie's table and was busy consulting its pocket watch.

Mattie blinked and her mouth dropped open for the umpteenth time that day. She remembered Kronos with a K and his comment about looking like a moron just in time and snapped it shut abruptly. However, nobody else in the group appeared to be worrying about looking moronic. Mouths gaped open uniformly and Marty was most definitely awake now.

The creature standing beside her, hopping from one foot to another bore a distinct resemblance to a character out of Alice in Wonderland, a book that she had loved as a child. She blinked again, thinking she must be seeing things, but what looked like the White Rabbit, complete with waistcoat, fob, watch and chain, was still there

"Move aside there. Move aside. Coming through!" Yelled Siler.

The White Rabbit peered anxiously over his shoulder.

"Oh no. They're coming. Must find another hole. I'm going to be very late, Queen Isis will be so angry and I am very attached to my head." He turned to Mattie. "You look like a kind child, would you be so good as to see if there's another plothole lying around somewhere? I seem to have mislaid the one I fell through earlier."

Mattie opened her mouth to speak and discovered that she couldn't. Nothing would come out. ColonelSam valiantly overcame her astonishment and rose to the occasion instead. She stood up and peered around the commissary.

"No. No plotholes that I can see." She said calmly and sank back down in her seat.

"Oh my ears and whiskers, what am I to do?" Mourned the White Rabbit. His whiskers and nose twitched uncontrollably. Mattie stared in awe and fascination.

By this time the SF's and Siler with Major Davis bringing up the rear had reached the rabbit. Mattie noticed that the SF's were armed with huge butterfly nets instead of guns. Siler touched the creature on its shoulder and it jumped nervously.

"Now, now. You know you're not supposed to be here. Come along quietly and we'll return you to your own dimension wherever that is." He said sternly. "You should know the rules by now, running won't help. You'll end up down another plothole and it won't necessarily go where you want it to."

Another slightly irritated voice intruded.

"Have you got him Sergeant Siler?" A fair-haired woman came striding through the commissary.

"Yes Miss S Ma'am." Said Siler snapping to attention smartly as the woman reached them. "He's not going anywhere."

"Oh good. Nice work Sergeant." She sighed with relief and held her hand out to the rabbit, who hung its head and took the hand meekly. "Come on sweetie. We need to find out where to send you back to. Although god knows where that might be. Siler we need to find out who perpetrated this. It appears to be a crossover between Stargate and Alice in Wonderland, but whose demented brain thought that one up is anyone's guess. Stargate and Harry Potter I can sort of live with, but Alice in Wonderland? That goes beyond the boundaries of the obscene somehow."

Mattie couldn't help but fervently agree with her.

"We thought it was another plot bunny escapee." Said Major Davis. "The plot bunny problem is getting way out of control in the SGC and they're now starting to overrun the Goa'uld stronghold as well. Yu found two of them in his walk-in closet and Cronus found two under his bed. No prizes for guessing what they were up to!"

"I know, I know." Said Miss S. "We're in discussions at the moment with a couple of the other universities to see if this is a common problem. I rather suspect it might be. However, until fanfic writers get a control over their rampant imaginations, I can't see the problem being resolved for the foreseeable future. All we can do is damage control. The immediate problem is what to do with this little one in the meantime. We don't have detention areas for rabbits and we can hardly put him in with the untamed Unas population."

Davis chuckled "Indeed no, I reckon he'd be rabbit stew before morning."

The White Rabbit immediately sank closer into Miss S in terror. Mattie could see him trembling. She glared at Davis in indignation and opened her mouth to speak.

"Major Davis, you might want to keep those unpleasant thoughts to yourself." Miss S responded shortly before Mattie could say anything. "I don't think there's anything wrong with the poor little thing's hearing."

A number of sets of eyes all glowered in the direction of the hapless Major Davis, who flushed with embarrassment.

"Oops, sorry Miss S. I was just being flippant."

Miss S sighed. "Well please don't, not in front of the little ones, you know how upset they get."

She turned to the seven women at the table and smiled. "New students I take it?"

"Yes ma'am." Said Marty respectfully.

"Then I bid you welcome to our establishment. You all know why you're here. Listen, learn and you'll end up better fanfic writers. Or not. I would suggest that you all get some sleep. It's going to be a busy day tomorrow and there a lot of activities planned to get you into the swing of it all. Oh and another thing, I wouldn't go wandering around until you know your way about better, there's no telling where you might end up. Down a plothole, in the torture area, anything can happen if you're not careful."

They all chorused their thanks.

"I had better go. We need to find somewhere to put this little one where he'll be safe and I need to contact Miss Cam and Miss H in OFUM and OBAFU to see whether the crossover perpetrator belongs to their side although I very much doubt it. See you tomorrow at the induction meeting ladies." Miss S turned to Major Davis and the others. "All the registration staff will be gathered by now for the debriefing, so we'd better not keep the System Lords waiting, considering how testy they get. I have a whole semester's schedule to review and students to terrorise. I just love this time of year!"

She smiled brightly at the only remaining students in the commissary, namely Mattie and her associates, who all grinned nervously back at her. Then she left with the White Rabbit toddling obediently by her side.

"Terrorise?" Asked Jadzia in a shaky voice. "Oh I don't like the sound of that at all. Who's going to be able to sleep after that?"

"I'm so tired I could sleep through one of Ba'al's torture sessions." Yawned McGyver.

"And I'm past the point of caring." Said Mattie. "So I'm going to turn in and at least make an attempt at sleeping. Something tells me that we're going to need all the rest we can get. I think we're all in for a bit of a battering."