*
But That's Ridiculous
Chapter Four: Darker than Black
Remus was in his accustomed place on Æturn Alley, in between customers, when Narcissa Malfoy walked up to him.
"Hello," she said. "I'm Narcissa Malfoy."
"Remus Lupin," he said. She extended her hand and he shook it. She sat down on the stool that was reserved for his customers. She was wearing a gray pantsuit that, aside from not being a robe, did not fit quite as well as he would have expected the clothing of Lucius Malfoy's wife to fit.
"What size canvas would you like?" he said.
"My portrait has already been painted by better than you," she said. "I'm here to ask you about number twelve."
"Then I'll have to charge you for the use of my stool," he said. "You're discouraging business."
"Where is it?" she said.
Remus did not pretend to believe that she was referring to his business. "It's exactly where you'd expect it to be," he said. "Between numbers eleven and thirteen."
"It's not there."
"Oh, isn't it?" Remus said. "I'll have to go hunt it down after work."
"You know where it is," Narcissa said.
"Yes, I do," Remus said, "and I've just told you. I don't know what more you want from me."
"Who did Sirius leave it to?"
"Albus," said Remus.
"I might have known," Narcissa said; she appeared unsurprised. "I'm going to take him to court, you know."
"Why?" Remus said. "It's a tasteless, gloomy, wretched old place."
"It's my family's house," Narcissa said. "I don't want it taken over by Sirius's irresponsible friends."
"It's too late for that," Remus said cheerfully. "Albus is letting me live there because I'm too poor to afford anything better."
"You used to teach at Hogwarts," she said.
"I did."
"Did it ever occur to you that you ruined your kind's chance for acceptance?"
"No, I always assumed that was Dolores Umbridge's doing," Remus said.
"I've never liked the woman," Narcissa said. "She has no sense of how things ought to be done."
"I quite agree," Remus said.
Narcissa frowned at him and said, "How do you get into number twelve?"
"Generally, I use the front door," Remus said. "Sometimes the fireplace."
"There's something you're not telling me," Narcissa said, "and you had better do it before I make you."
"And how do you intend to do that?" Remus said in an amused voice.
"I could have you arrested."
"I'm not doing anything."
"I could find five witnesses to say you were."
"That still wouldn't convince me to talk."
"I could give you Veritaserum."
"That's a better idea," Remus said, "but I don't quite see how you could do it."
"Let me show you," Narcissa said quietly, and put the Impediment Curse on him. She took a tiny bottle from her pocket, loosened his jaw with a wave of her wand, and fed him the entire contents of the bottle. No one tried to stop her.
"What is your full name?"
"Remus Jude Lupin."
"When were you born?"
"January third, nineteen-sixty."
"Why can't I get into number twelve?"
"Albus and a few others put a powerful Invisibility spell on the house. We can get in because the object of the spell remains visible to its caster."
"Who were the ones that cast the spell?"
"Besides Albus and me, it was Minerva McGonagall, Alastor Moody, Rubeus Hagrid, and Sirius Black."
"Why those particular people?"
"Sirius offered us the house as a place for his friends from Hogwarts to get away from the school."
"Did you use the house as headquarters for any kind of subversive group?"
"No."
"Are you the only person who lives there full-time?"
"Yes."
"And what do you think of me?"
"I think you're a gorgeous ice cube."
"Jerk," she said, releasing him from the curse and walking away.
She wasn't actually that bad-looking, Remus reflected. And he really needed to thank Severus.
Remus got his chance that very day. He returned to number twelve at five o'clock, toting his unused canvases, to find the house full of chattering Order members, at which time he remembered they were going to have a meeting that night.
"You filthy monster," Mrs. Black screeched as Remus dumped his canvases in the front hall.
"You prejudiced old bat," he replied, but without his usual vigor; he was searching the crowd for either Dumbledore or someone who might know where he was. Finally he spotted an unfamiliar old man wearing a dilapidated top hat and carrying a three-headed cane.
"D'you know where Albus is?" Remus inquired.
"Probably throwing more innocent people out of the kitchen," he said in a cracked voice.
"Thanks," Remus said.
He went straight to the kitchen, where he found Dumbledore making a salad, the sleeves of his robe rolled above his elbows and a look of intense concentration upon his wrinkly face.
"Albus, you'd be done so much faster if only you'd use magic," said Molly Weasley.
"Let him have his fun, Molly," said Arthur, who was assembling a casserole by hand. "Oh, hello, Remus."
"Lo," Remus said. "Albus, have you got a minute? I really need to talk to you."
"Cannot it wait?" Dumbledore said. "I'm quite enjoying myself."
"Yeah, I'll wait," Remus said, taking a chair at the kitchen table.
"Oh Remus, I was going to tell you," Molly said, "we're having a guest at dinner tonight."
"Oh yeah?" Remus said, wondering why Molly felt he needed to be informed beforehand.
"It's Minerva's friend," Molly said. "You know, Deirdre."
"Who?" Remus said.
"Oh, you know," Molly said. "Hagrid told me he told you about her. Minerva met her at the Hog's Head."
"Not the werewolf?" Remus said.
"Of course she's a werewolf," Molly said. "And Minerva tells me she's got blue eyes."
"Molly, didn't we have a deal?"
"I know, but I told Minerva to invite her before that," Molly said. "I couldn't just take the invitation back, it'd be terribly rude."
"As long as I don't have to talk to her," Remus said.
"Well, she's coming to see you, it'd seem odd if you didn't talk to her, don't you think?" Molly said. "I do wish you'd put on some different robes before she gets here, the ones you've got on are rather scruffy. Have you combed your hair today?"
"Molly, leave the poor man alone, he looks fine," Arthur said.
"Thank you," Remus said.
"Molly, I'm finished," Dumbledore said. "Remus, what do you need?"
"Can we step outside for a minute?" Remus said, glaring at Molly.
Once they were relatively sure of not being overheard, Remus told Dumbledore about his encounter with Narcissa.
"That's very interesting," Dumbledore said.
"Aren't you a bit worried?" Remus said.
"I am the rightful owner of this house," Dumbledore said. "In any case, I can do nothing until I appear before the Wizengamot. And now I would suggest that you change your robes before our guest arrives, or Molly is likely to do it for you."
Unfortunately, Remus did not own a set of robes more presentable than the ones he was wearing. Fortunately, he remembered that Sirius had left at least two sets of robes in his wardrobe, and with some difficulty he got the dark-blue ones to fit him. Remus then returned to the kitchen, where he slouched around in bad humor until the doorbell rang and Molly told him to go answer it. Feeling a sense of great foreboding, Remus went down the hall and opened the door.
Minerva McGonagall was standing there, along with the woman that Remus was supposed to spend the rest of his life with.
"Hello, Remus," said Minerva, striding past him into the hall. "Come in, dear. Remus, I'd like you to meet Deirdre Littlejohn. Deirdre, this is Remus Lupin. And would one of you please shut the old biddy up?"
Minerva disappeared into the gloom. Mrs. Black screeched, "Oh, so there's two of you now, I suppose you're going to get married and bring a few more horrible little beasts into the world."
Wondering if indeed the whole world was conspiring to get him married, Remus managed to close the curtains over Mrs. Black. "Don't mind her, she hates everyone," he said.
"Who is she?" Deirdre said.
"My best friend's mother," Remus said. Noting happily that Deirdre seemed unable to think of a suitable reply, he said, "We'd better go in to dinner so Molly doesn't start harping at us."
"Who's Molly?" said Deirdre, following Remus down the dank hall to the kitchen.
"Oh, just some woman who thinks she's my mother," Remus said.
Just then they entered the kitchen and Molly said, "Remus, Deirdre, I've saved you a couple seats down at the end."
"Thanks," Remus muttered as they sat down. Molly smiled broadly at the two of them.
"So Remus," said Deirdre, "what do you do now that you can't teach at Hogwarts anymore?"
"I paint portraits in Æturn Alley."
"That's wonderful," Deirdre said. "I've always liked artistic men."
Alarmed, Remus tried to change the subject. "And what do you do?" he said.
"I live with some others of our kind in the Golconda Forest," Deirdre said.
"Where's that?"
"I believe you know it as the Forbidden Forest," she said.
"Why do you call it Golconda?" Remus asked, becoming interested in spite of himself.
"I don't really know the reason for it," Deirdre said. "It's been the Golconda for as long as I've lived there."
"And how long has that been?"
"A little more than two years," Deirdre said. "I moved there after I lost my job, when the anti-werewolf legislation went through."
"I think we all lost our jobs then," Remus said dryly. "So what sorts of things do you see in there now? I haven't really been able to explore it since I was at school."
"I imagine pretty much the same things you used to see," she said. "It's true that we don't see as many centaurs as we used to. Our group has gotten so much bigger in the last two years that they do their best to avoid us. Then about six months ago, a giant showed up in the forest, but we have no idea how he could have gotten there. And just recently, I've been seeing a rat in a nearby clearing. I think it's living there."
"Is it always the same rat?" Remus said.
"Yes, it is," Deirdre said. "I can tell, because one of its front paws is lighter than the rest of it."
"Which paw, right or left?"
"I don't remember," she said, frowning. "Does it matter?"
"Oh, I guess not," Remus said. "It's just that I kept a pet rat when I taught at Hogwarts, but it escaped about halfway through the year, and I always wondered where it ended up. Its right front paw was lighter than the rest of it."
"I'm sure that's your rat," Deirdre said, smiling. "The next time I see it, I'll be sure to check. So what was it like teaching at Hogwarts?"
They passed the rest of the meal amicably enough, and as supper was drawing to a close and Deirdre was preparing to leave, she said to Remus, "I don't know if you'd be interested, but there are about thirty of us living in the Golconda and if you'd like to visit, we'd be delighted to have you."
"I think I would like to visit," Remus said. "It'd be great to be able to visit the forest again."
"That's wonderful. Shall I – would you mind if I owled you?" Deirdre said, and Remus noted uncomfortably that she was blushing.
"No, that would be fine. Now that you've been here, your owl should be able to find it."
"Great," she said. "I'll be in touch."
"And keep an eye out for my rat, won't you?" Remus said.
To his relief, Deirdre seemed to have no inclination to kiss him, instead contenting herself with a handshake. She left by Floo powder, and the moment she stepped into the flames, Molly hurried over, grabbed the sleeve of his robe, and demanded, "What did you think of her?"
"She's very nice," Remus said in a voice that could have meant anything.
"Oh, I knew you'd like her," Molly said, sounding ecstatic. "Are you planning to see her again?"
"I'm going to visit the werewolves in the Forbidden Forest to try to persuade them to support us," Remus informed her.
"Oh, that's marvelous," Molly said.
"Remus, Molly, you'd better sit down, the meeting's about to start," Minerva said in a voice that told Remus that she had overheard their entire conversation. He scowled at Minerva, who fortunately did not notice since she had turned to look at Dumbledore, who was standing at the head of the table ready to start the meeting.
"First," Dumbledore said, "thanks are due to Molly and Arthur, who fixed our dinner tonight. I trust you all ate as well as I did." There was a smattering of applause, and then Dumbledore said, "Now I have some very important news for you all, which comes to us courtesy of Severus."
Snape inclined his head slightly, and Remus reminded himself to thank Snape after the meeting.
"We now know what Lord Voldemort plans to do, now that he no longer has access to the prophecy."
Every person in the room shivered simultaneously.
"He plans," Dumbledore said, "to capture a qualified witch or wizard, whom he will have perform a complete cosmetic restoration of his face." Dumbledore smiled a little. "It seems we have found Lord Voldemort's fatal weakness."
* * *
Four days after Narcissa Malfoy found out that Dumbledore had inherited the Black house, she brought her case before the Wizengamot. Since Dumbledore could not take his seat among the justices, he selected Minerva McGonagall to take his place. Remus waited outside the courtroom for the entire trial so as to know the outcome immediately. The first person out of the courtroom was Narcissa Malfoy, and she looked angry even before she saw Remus. It was the first time he had seen her express emotion of any kind.
"Would you let me into number twelve if I had an affair with you?" she demanded.
"Why would you want to have an affair with me?"
"You would only try to kill me once a month," Narcissa said. "And besides, it would really piss my husband off."
As she walked away, it occurred to Remus that she might have been serious.
"You forgot the part where I'm totally irresistible," he yelled after her.
She gave him an enigmatic smile and got into the lift.
Remus turned around and saw Dumbledore standing next to him.
"If you're planning to have an affair with her, you have my blessing," Dumbledore said.
"Why would I want to?" Remus said grouchily. "She's allied with the forces of evil and she has blonde hair."
"I thought that was why you would want to," Dumbledore said.
"What?"
"I didn't say what you thought I said."
"Good," Remus said. "I take it we won?"
"Yes, I did," Dumbledore said. "Mrs. Malfoy really didn't have a case, since Sirius's will was perfectly legal. Are you ready, Minerva?"
"Yes, I am," said Minerva, who had just come out of the courtroom.
"I'm afraid you'll have to excuse us, Remus, we're having dinner with the Minister."
At four in the afternoon? Remus thought. "Tell him from me to die an early death," he said.
"I can assure you I will be thinking it," Dumbledore said. "Come, Minerva, we're about to be late."
They walked off down the hall, chattering about something or other, leaving Remus alone and in a blacker mood than ever. It was at times like these that he understood why most of the world was so anxious to have him married, for the simple reason that when you left a place, there was always someone to go with you. Minerva and Albus, of course, were only good friends (at least Remus hoped they were only good friends), but that thought merely served to remind him that he no longer had any good friends. They were all either dead or finks.
But Remus had no time to dwell on his dismal thoughts; as soon as he stepped into the street, he was assaulted by an irate owl, which it turned out was carrying an invitation from Deirdre Littlejohn to spend a day with the werewolves of Golconda Forest. In a postscript, she added that she had not seen the rat, which she referred to as Lightfoot, since her return.
Remus was therefore deprived of his main reason for visiting the forest, but he went anyway for diplomatic reasons. He did not see Peter while he was there, and after being disappointed for a fourth time, he assumed that Peter had been gobbled up by some forest creature or other. That was why he was so shocked, the day he returned to number twelve, to receive a scroll addressed to Moony in Peter's handwriting.
Remus could not imagine why Peter would be writing to him, so he took special care opening the scroll in case Peter had somehow succeeded in attaching a curse to it. However, there was nothing inside except many lines in Peter's handwriting, which like him was short and round.
Moony, I expect you're wondering why I'm writing to you. I'm not trying to curse you or poison you or track you down, wherever you are. But you're the only other one of us left, and I don't have anyone else to ask. Anyway, I suppose I'd better start at the beginning, which was a month ago, when the Dark Lord found out that I owe my life to Harry Potter. It doesn't really matter why he got on the subject, but he can always tell when I'm hiding something from him, and he kept after me until he'd gotten the whole story out of me, about what happened that night in the Shrieking Shack. Well, as you can imagine, the Dark Lord wasn't too pleased with what he found out, and obviously he couldn't keep someone in his service who was in debt to Harry Potter. He was going to kill me, but he forgot to tie me up, so I transformed and ran away. I went to live in the Forbidden Forest, and I stayed there until just recently when I saw a snake that looked like Nagini, that's the Dark Lord's pet snake, so I knew I had to get out of there. The problem was I didn't have anywhere else to go, but that was when I remembered about that little house of yours. I went there and I'm living in the shed right now, I didn't think you'd want me in your house, but you still aren't back so I decided to send you a letter and hope it finds you wherever you are. If you get it and you read it and you can find it in your heart not to kill me, please let me live here. I am sick of hating myself and I've realized that my whole life has been a mistake. Maybe I should have turned myself in to the Ministry, but as far as I know they still think I'm dead and if I showed up and told them all of it, they would kill me as fast as they could. I know you wanted to kill me too, but you listened to Harry when he said not to and maybe he will tell you the same thing a second time. And like I said, I haven't got anyone else and I am pretty sure of getting killed whatever I do, so maybe it would be best if you got to do it. But I hope you will spare me. Come see me when you decide. Sincerely, Wormtail.
When Remus had finished, he read the letter two more times and then sat there in the kitchen trying to decide whether to kill Peter or not. After two hours, he knew what he had to do.
* * *
Interesting Note: A Golconda is "a source of wealth, advantages or happiness," after a city in India that's famous for its diamonds (I got that out of the concise Oxford, 10th ed.). I thought it was a fun word, so I borrowed it.
Notes for Individuals:
Amata, I love you for reading the story even if you don't like it. That says a lot for your taste.
Vanyaria Darkshadow, I have plans for Remus's love life, and they don't involve werewolf love… sorry.
Kurohyou, you get a big gold star for reading every single piece of crud I post. Oh yeah, and I wrote "Umbitch" on purpose, because that's Remus's cute little nickname for her. You get another gold star for being an alert reader.
The Final Note: After posting "The Death of Severus Snape" against my better judgment, all I have to say is my theory has been proven right: The less care I take with my writing, the more people read it. Now what I want to know is WHY. Any ideas? Put them in your review.
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