*

But That's Ridiculous

Chapter Five: The Redemption of Peter Pettigrew

When Remus's mother had died a few years back, Remus had inherited the family home because, werewolf or not, he was still the only son.  Remus's parents had hated it because it was at least ten miles from civilization, which was precisely why the place was such a treasure to Remus.  It was there that Remus had gone after resigning the Defense post, and it was there that Peter was now hiding from pretty much everyone on the planet.  So Remus, taking as much food as he could carry, got on Sirius's old broomstick and traveled to his old house to talk to his old friend.

As Remus landed in the dusty grass in front of the house, there was absolutely no sign of life around the place.  Then he saw a rat crawl out from underneath the shed and change into Peter.

"Hello, Remus," he said.

"Hello, Peter," said Remus.

"Are you here to kill me?"

"I don't think so," Remus said.  "First, we need to go inside, so you can answer some questions for me."

"Sure," Peter said, following him to the door.  "Like what?"

"And get the broom, please, I don't want it left outside," Remus said, unlocking the door.

Peter trotted over to the broomstick and brought it inside.  "Is that Sirius's old Hairsplitter?" he asked Remus, who was making tea.

"Yes, it is," Remus said.  "Do you prefer biscuits or peanut butter crackers?"

"Ooh, peanut butter," Peter said, sitting down at the table as Remus poured their tea.

"I knew you were going to say that," Remus said, taking the biscuits for himself.

"Well," Peter said, "what do you want to know?"

"I'm interested in knowing why you decided your life was such a big mistake," Remus said.  "Couldn't have been because your boss kicked you out, could it?"

"You believed me when I said that?"

"Well, it makes sense," Remus said.  "I was only surprised that it took him that long to figure it out."

"I could have said that to lure you here so I could kill you."

"I admit that thought crossed my mind," Remus said.  "You might not understand this, because you've spent most of your life trying to save your skin, so you'll have to trust me when I say that I don't care if I die."

"It really doesn't matter," Peter said, "because I can't kill you.  The Dark Lord snapped my wand."

"He's learning from his failed murder attempts, then," Remus said.  "So yes, I believe you, now would you mind answering the question?"

"Sorry, what was it?" Peter said.  "My short-term memory is terrible."

"Are you sure you aren't repenting just because you no longer have the opportunity to be evil?"

"Oh, but I do," Peter said.  "I could have lured you here to kill you anyway."

"No you couldn't," Remus said.  "Kill me, I mean."

"I could beat you up."

"You were terrible at hand fighting."

"Fine, you're right," Peter said.  "I was too incompetent to be cool, so I tried to be evil and I screwed that up too, and I guess all that's left for me to do is pathetic."

"Back up a minute," Remus said.  "Petty thievery, vandalism, bullying and rule-breaking are cool?"

"James and Sirius were cool," Peter said.  "If they stole people's underwear from the laundry room, that was cool.  If they broke into the prefects' bathroom after curfew, that was cool.  If they –"

"Right, I get it," Remus said.  "All your life you've followed other people's moral standards, and now I'm the only one left to take them from.  Am I right?"

"It sounds so much sleazier when you put it that way," Peter said.

"Well, you're out of luck," Remus said, folding his arms.  "I'm not any better than the rest of them."

"You never did any of that crap," Peter said.

"No, but I let them."

"You're being an idiot, Remus," said Peter.  "Nothing you could have said or done would have stopped them from doing exactly what they wanted.  And if you'd tried, they would've ignored you and you would never have been able to make them feel rotten, like you did."

"I wasn't thinking of it like that," Remus said.  "I thought they would listen to me and not saying anything made me a coward."

"Maybe you were, but that was the best thing you could have done," Peter said.

"Boy, is that messed up," Remus said, shaking his head.

"Well," Peter said, "it's fitting, at least."

"You're damn straight," Remus said, pouring another cup of tea.  "So what is it you want, exactly?"

"Just to live here," Peter said.  "Unless you are.  But you aren't, are you?"

"No," Remus said, "I'm living in Sirius's parents' house."

"That old mausoleum on Grimmauld Place?"

"Yep," Remus said.  "It's not exactly mine, but I'm allowed to live there.  I can't tell you any more than that, but that's okay because there's other important stuff I have to tell you."

"Go on, I'm listening," said Peter, who was slurping his lemon wedge.

"Sirius wants me to keep you alive," Remus said.  "Don't ask me how I know that, I'll tell you later.  I don't know why, because he can't be bothered explaining his plans to the likes of me, but I think I know anyway.  The point is, would you be willing to take Veritaserum and confess to betraying the Potters and all the rest of it?"

"Sure thing," Peter said.  "It's about time Sirius stopped stealing my thunder.  No, I'm only joking."

"Great," Remus said.  "Now I just need to convince Albus and the rest not to give you to the Ministry."

"But they still think Sirius did it," Peter said.  "Right?"

"Officially, yes," Remus said.  "Unofficially, I think they finally believe what Albus told them about you being alive, so now they're looking for some proof."

"In other words, me."

"Right."

"But you need witnesses for the confession to make it legal, right?" Peter said.

"Respectable witnesses," Remus said.  "In other words, not me.  Albus, and Minerva, and Arthur if we can get him."

"I'm so screwed," Peter said.

"Probably," Remus said.

"But what's the point of confessing if Sirius is dead?" Peter said.

"I suspect he doesn't want his memory tarnished," Remus said.  "But I'm going to have to ask him."

"But he's dead, you can't ask him anything."

"Oh, shit," Remus said, "I knew this was coming."  Then he explained about the diary.  He was getting quite good at it.

"Have you got it with you?" Peter said.

"Yup."  Remus took it out of his pocket.  "Oh, hell, I forgot to bring the ink."

"You could write in tea, couldn't you?"

"Yes, or – maybe the coffee instead."

Once the coffee was brewed, Remus opened the diary and explained the situation to Sirius.

"He wants to know if I accidentally pissed in the ink pot," Remus said to Peter.  "What an idiot."

"Tell him to piss off," Peter suggested.

"He says he's sick of taking the blame because you turned out to be a traitorous coward, and he's going to get his revenge on you."

"Tell him he can't haunt me, he's not a ghost," Peter said.

"And he's telling me to convince Albus any way I can and to hurry up and get the confession before you fake your death and go live in a sewer somewhere," Remus said.  "Thanks so much, Sirius, now I know exactly what I'm going to say to Albus."

"Has he always been such a piece of shit, or is this new since he died?" Peter said.

"No, I think this is his original shittiness," Remus said, slapping the diary shut.

"Gee," Peter said happily, "it's just like old times."

"Now I don't want you getting the wrong idea," Remus said.  "I'm not going to kill you, but not because I don't want to.  You betrayed the Potters, you killed Cedric Diggory and you helped bring Voldemort back, which I think we can agree makes you a pretty rotten person.  It's just that I'm dumb enough, or naïve enough, to think that there's some hope left for you, and the rest of us."

"I know I'm a rotten person," Peter said, "and I really hope you're right."

"Thanks."  Remus smiled.  "By the way, I brought you some food," he said, unloading his pockets onto the kitchen table.  "And now I have to go talk to Albus."

Of course, he didn't go talk to Dumbledore, at least not right away.  There were still a few things he needed to know.  So he returned to number twelve, found some real ink, and asked Sirius what exactly he was planning to do with Peter.

Sirius replied, You just talked to me an hour ago.  Can't it wait?

This is important, damn you.  Answer the question.

I can't believe you haven't guessed already.

I have an idea, but I want to hear it from you.

Well, what do you think I'm going to do?

I think you're going to make Peter write in this diary so you can possess him.

You're pretty close.  What I'm actually going to do is make him write in this diary so I can take his life force and come back to life.

Would that mean that Peter dies?

I'm taking his life force, you nincompoop, what does it sound like to you?

You can have your life force taken away and still not die, like with the Dementor's Kiss.  Is that what's going to happen to him?

Well, to be honest with you, I don't know what's going to happen.  No one's ever successfully come back to life through a diary, so I won't know until I do it.

If you do it.

What's that supposed to mean?
It means that I don't think you should do it.

I thought you wanted to kill Peter.

I thought you had changed your mind about killing him.

You aren't saying that he doesn't deserve it?

Harry had more reason to see him dead than either of us and yet he spared him.  Doesn't that make you feel the tiniest bit ashamed of yourself?

It's not like we're just going to murder him, it's more like an exchange – his life for mine.

Oh, so that's what this is about?  You want him to give up his life so you can be alive again?  This has got to be the most selfish plan you've come up with in your entire life.

You forgot I've already died, you insensitive prat.  And you didn't always think my plans were so selfish.

What do you mean?

Becoming Animagi.  You didn't try to talk us out of that, did you?

No, I didn't, and that was selfish of me, but on the other hand, it didn't involve killing anyone.

But you never told us we were out of line any other time.

Maybe that's because I never had the balls to, until now.

And why do you now?
I don't know, I'm just sick of doing what you think is right and ignoring what I think is right, and I'm not going to let some dead guy tell me what to do, even if it is you.

So you think you're a hero now, do you?

In answer, Remus slammed the diary shut.  Then there was a stretch of time during which he recorded no memories, and when it was over the diary was again open in front of him.

Did you just possess me, you little bastard?

Yes, actually, I did.  And if the next person that writes in this diary isn't Peter, then I'm going to take your worthless little soul instead.

I have a better idea.  How about I go explain the situation to Peter and see if he'll do it voluntarily.  I'm sure I'll be able to convince him, especially if I tell him you threatened to possess me instead.

Yes, I'm sure that'll have him begging for the quill.

Now if you don't mind, I'm going to try to convince Albus that this is a good idea, which will be quite hard considering that I don't think it's a good idea.

I'm sure you'll think of something.

Remus really wanted to say something snotty, but he knew he couldn't afford to piss off someone who could possess him without warning, so he flipped the diary shut and said, "Someone that manipulative should've been in Slytherin."

He felt something twang in his brain.

"Get out of there," he growled, and decided to talk to Albus.

"I hope it's important," Dumbledore said.  "I'm right in the middle of a game of chess."

"Sirius wants to have Peter write in the diary so he can take his life force and come back to life," Remus said.

"How does he plan to contact Peter?" said Dumbledore.

"Oh, I forgot you didn't know," Remus said.  "He's – er, at my house."

"With your consent?"

"Er – well, I suppose my implicit consent."

"Don't you think you ought to let Kingsley know?"

"I would, only Sirius threatened to possess me if I didn't do what he wanted."

"Don't you think you can fight possession?" Dumbledore said.

"I don't think I've got the strength of personality," Remus said.

"Oh, but I think you do."

Remus didn't quite know what to say to that, so he said, "D'you think you could get Snape to give Peter some real Veritaserum and witness his confession?"

"I don't think so," Dumbledore said.  "I cannot afford to look as though I am undermining the Ministry's authority.  I suggest you ask Severus about the Veritaserum yourself.  And now I must ask you to excuse me; the chess pieces are getting restless."

"Thanks for the advice," Remus said.

"Anytime," Dumbledore said, and winked.

* * *

"Sure, I'll do it," Peter said.

"What?" Remus said, shocked.  He hadn't even gotten to the part about Sirius threatening to possess him yet.

"I said I'll do it."

"But why?"

"A couple reasons, really," Peter said.  "I figure that for everything I've done, I ought to die, and I will no matter what.  So I think it'd be a fitting way to go, and a way to do my friends one last good turn, and it'd probably be less scary than the Dementor's Kiss."

"Oh, I don't know," Remus said.  "I personally think the idea of being taken over by Sirius is quite a scary one."

"Yes, but walking around with no soul?" Peter said.  "Of course, I guess I don't have enough soul left to matter much if it was gone."

"You might be a horrible person," Remus said, "but you're not that horrible."

"Gee, thanks," Peter said sourly.

Remus managed to convince Snape to provide the Veritaserum, but the confrontation was long and embarrassing and ended with Remus unwillingly testing Snape's store of Veritaserum, just to make sure it was real, of course.  The other witnesses were Minerva McGonagall and Molly and Charlie Weasley, the only people who were both respectable and not answerable to the Ministry.  Peter confessed to everything, including spiking Remus's pumpkin juice at a long-ago Christmas tea and hexing Remus's socks.  Once everyone else had gone, Remus gave Peter a selection of quills, a dozen bottles of ink and the diary.

"Let me know if you run out of anything, won't you?" Remus said.

"Okay," Peter said.  "I don't know how long this'll take, but if I don't see you again, I just wanted to tell you that I didn't really mean it when I said you were ugly and fat and bad at dancing."

"You were right," Remus said.  "I was bad at dancing."  Then he turned around and left, before he could start sniveling.

Remus flew straight back to number twelve and was reflexively pouring himself a firewhisky when he heard a plaintive voice he recognized as Harry's saying his name from upstairs.  He ran up to his room and sure enough, there was Harry's face in the enchanted mirror.

"Harry?" said Remus, sitting down in front of the mirror.  "What on earth's the matter?"

"It's not that big a deal," Harry said, which Remus knew was a lie just by looking at him.  "Only I've been having these odd dreams the last few nights."

"What sort of dreams?"

"Well –"  Harry blushed.  "They're sort of embarrassing."

Remus almost laughed with relief.  "Harry, everyone has those sort of dreams."

"So they're not really happening?" Harry said.

"I think it's safe to say they're not."

"Well, that's a relief," Harry said.  "So nothing bad's been happening, then?"

Remus said "No" a little too quickly.

"I think you're lying," Harry said sternly; Remus wondered if Harry had accidentally learned some Legilimency from Snape.  "Tell me what's going on, please."

"Peter's been found," Remus said.

"Is he going to die?"

"Yes, he is," Remus said.  "I'm just not sure when."

"Is there anything we can do?"

"No," Remus said.  "He's going to have to die, and I think he knows he deserves it.  But the good news is that since he's confessed to betraying your parents, Sirius is now an innocent man."

"He was always innocent," Harry pointed out.

"Well, you know what I mean."

"So have you talked to him?" Harry said.  "Peter, I mean."

"Yes," Remus said, "I have."

"What did he say?"

"He said his life was a big mistake," Remus said.  "He also wanted to tell you that he's terribly sorry for having betrayed your parents and that you are the most noble person he's ever met."

"He can't have met too many decent people, then," Harry said.

"Considering who he's been working for for the past sixteen years, I'd say you're right," Remus said.

"So he's not working for Voldemort anymore?" Harry asked.

"No," Remus said, and repeated what Peter had told him.

"That's got to be pretty embarrassing for Voldemort," Harry said thoughtfully.  "I mean, he's already tried to kill me about a dozen times, and then not even being able to kill a wandless man…"

"I sure hope it's embarrassing," Remus said emphatically.  "Might remind him that he's not quite so invincible as he likes to think."

"Yes, I suppose," Harry said.

"Well," Remus said, "is there anything else you need to know?"

"I think that's all, thanks," Harry said.

"Er – Harry?" said Remus.  "Do you ever wish you hadn't saved Peter?"

"I used to," Harry said.  "But not anymore.  Not after what you said today."  He smiled.  "Thanks a lot, Remus."

Putting away the mirror afterwards, Remus wondered why he felt like such a rat.

* * *

Boring Note: When I opened up my inbox and found all your wonderful reviews, I was so excited my hands were shaking.  Now, here is my attempt to satisfy your curiosity.

Narcissa is going to reappear in chapter six, which is not intended to piss anyone off. (!)

Hermione is indeed up to something, but we won't find out what it is for a while.

In #4, Snape gave Narcissa fake Veritaserum to use on Remus.  In #6, she reveals a secret that explains, indirectly, how he can get away with it (among other things).

Are you tantalized yet?  Is Peter too good to be real?  And am I writing Harry as badly as my sister claims?  Let me know what you think.