*
But That's Ridiculous
Chapter Six: Remus's Love Life Goes to Pieces
Remus was always secretly glad when he woke up and it was raining, because that meant he was free to leave his canvases in the house and spend his time however he liked. On one particular rainy day, that meant an entire blissful morning in the Diagon Alley library founded by Roderica Alix Ravenclaw, daughter of Rowena. Then when it was time for lunch he went to Florean Fortescue's Ice Cream Parlor and bought a sundae with three scoops of ice cream resting on a pool of chocolate syrup, and sat underneath a dripping umbrella reading a fascinating new treatise on the behavior of grindylows.
Remus's table shuddered and he looked up. Narcissa Malfoy was standing there looking inquiringly down at him. "May I sit here?" she said.
"Of course," Remus said, moving his bag off the chair so she could sit. "What brings you into town on a day like this?"
"I was looking for you," she said.
"I'm flattered," Remus said. "What do you want?"
"To ask you something," Narcissa said, tucking her curly blonde hair behind one ear. "Have you seen Peter Pettigrew recently?"
"I don't see why you need to ask me that question," Remus said. "I thought your husband was seeing him on a regular basis."
"A month ago Pettigrew left the service of the Dark Lord," Narcissa said. "He has not been seen since."
"I didn't think you could just leave the service of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Pissed-Off," Remus said.
"Pettigrew ran away," Narcissa said.
"I'm not surprised," Remus said. "He's done it so often, he must be quite good at it by now. Do you want some ice cream?"
"Yes," Narcissa said, which surprised Remus because he found he could not imagine the snooty Mrs. Malfoy eating ice cream. He handed her his spoon and she took a spoonful, eating it with one hand cupped underneath it so as not to drip ice cream on her glistening gray traveling cloak. She then returned the spoon and said, "So have you seen Pettigrew or haven't you?"
"I have not," Remus said. "Why haven't you asked at the Ministry?"
"I have, but they wouldn't be able to catch him if he wandered into the building," Narcissa said. "And besides, you're his school friend and I thought you might have helped him out."
"He betrayed two of my other school friends," Remus said. "What do you think I'd do if he asked me for help?"
"You'd probably try to kill him," Narcissa said. "You almost did once, after all."
Remus regarded her thoughtfully. "Are you a Death Eater?" he said.
"No."
"Why not?"
Narcissa appeared to choose her words carefully. "I would be more of a liability than an asset," she said.
"Why?"
"I have a disease," she said.
"Really?" Remus said. "Which one's that?"
"Really. It's called veritamorbus," she said reluctantly. "I know you're going to ask what that means, or maybe not – your Latin was pretty good at school. It means that I must tell the truth."
"Under what circumstances?" Remus said.
"I have to reply truthfully to direct questions," Narcissa said. "I also have a tendency to tell the truth most of the rest of the time."
"How do you get the disease?" Remus said. "I mean, am I going to get it because you used my spoon?"
"No one knows why certain people have it," Narcissa said. "They're studying it at St. Mungo's, so I have to go up there for tests every two or three weeks."
"How many other people are there with the disease?"
"I only know of three others," Narcissa said.
"Pity there aren't more," Remus said, eating some of his melted ice cream.
"So what else do you want to know?" Narcissa said with a touch of bitterness.
Remus put down his spoon and said, "Why did you come here to ask me about Peter when you knew you'd have to answer all my questions truthfully?"
"My husband told me to find out what I could about Pettigrew," she said. "And I – shit – I wanted to talk to you again."
"I'm flattered," Remus said, and continued eating his ice cream.
"Aren't you going to ask me anything else?" Narcissa said after a minute.
"I should probably be asking you a hundred questions right now, but I can't think of a single one. And besides, it doesn't seem quite fair to ask you things just because you have to answer, does it?"
"No, it doesn't," Narcissa said. "I'm glad you feel that way."
"I bet you are," Remus said. "I would be interested in knowing why you wanted to talk to me again, though."
"Are you sure you don't want that to be a question?" Narcissa said, showing a tiny smile.
"Yes, I'm sure," Remus said. "I want you to have the chance to lie if you like."
"Well, I think you're a fascinating person," she said. "And that's the truth."
"Thank you," Remus said, smiling.
"I should go," she said, standing up and flipping the hood of her cloak over her hair.
"I'm sorry," Remus said. "I mean – your disease must make life difficult."
"It does," she said. "Could I – damn – could I see you again?"
Remus opened his mouth to say something, he didn't know what, and his mind went black. When it returned, he saw Narcissa and heard her saying, "When do you work?" She frowned at him and said, "What just happened? You sounded strange."
"I'm sorry, I don't know what possessed me," Remus said. "Oh, I work almost all the sunny days and none of the rainy ones."
"I'll be at the library the next rainy day," she said. "All right?"
Remus felt the blackness impending, so he said quickly, "I'll be there too, and I'll most likely be browsing the recent periodicals."
"Thanks for all your help," she said.
"It was nothing," Remus said and watched her walk away, wondering uneasily what he had gotten into. Suddenly he had a nasty thought: what if Lucius asked her a seemingly innocuous question, as he had done, and she had to tell him everything? Another nasty thought followed: what if Lucius had intended her to spy on him? And why had Sirius made him say he'd meet her again? To that question, at least, Remus felt sure he knew the answer. Feeling more than ever as though the world was conspiring against him, Remus paid for his sundae and returned to number twelve.
There he found Bill Weasley sitting at the kitchen table reading yesterday's Prophet. He looked up when Remus came in and said, "Hey, I was wondering when you might be back."
"What're you doing here?" Remus said.
"I'm on my lunch break," Bill said.
"Ah," Remus said, thinking of his own lunch break and going unintentionally red.
"I recognize that look," Bill said gleefully. "Who's the lucky lady?"
"For your information, I look like this because I spend my lunch break looking
at dirty pictures in the library," Remus said, more defensively than
necessary. "Want some firewhisky?"
"No, I've got to be getting back soon," Bill said. "By the way, Hagrid stopped over while you were gone. He's invited you for dinner at his place this evening, and he also said to wear those nice blue robes of yours."
"They aren't mine," Remus said, vaguely wondering what this was about. He hoped it was not some sort of culinary innovation.
"Well –" Bill got up from the table – "I'd best be getting back. I'll be seeing you, Remus."
"Yup," he said, watching Bill disappear into the fireplace. When he was gone Remus went into the pantry and discovered there was no more firewhisky. He assumed Bill had finished it, and, grumbling, had pumpkin juice over ice instead.
That evening Remus arrived at Hagrid's hut prepared, he thought, for whatever lay ahead. As the door opened and a skinny girl hurried out to greet him, Remus realized that there was at least one scenario he had not imagined.
"Hello," she said. "I'm Alice." She was unhealthily thin and she had mouse-brown hair, which was all Remus noticed about her.
"Alice?" he said, frowning. "I know you from somewhere… wait, are you that saleswitch from Gladrags?"
"No," she said, looking puzzled. "We – uh, met a while back, you know, in the forest?"
"Oh, the forest," Remus said. "I'm sorry, I have such a hard time keeping all the Alices straight."
"It's okay," Alice said.
Remus saw Hagrid emerge from his hut and said in a loud voice, "Oh, hello there, Hagrid."
Alice turned around to look at Hagrid and Remus took the opportunity to give Hagrid his dirtiest look.
"You c'n come up, if yeh like," Hagrid said. "Dinner's nearly ready."
"I think we will, thanks," Remus said and headed immediately for the hut, followed by Alice. Hagrid stepped aside to let them in and Remus saw, to his horror, three lit candles on the table.
"Hagrid," he said, "you're going to burn the place down."
"Not t' worry," Hagrid said, indicating a bucket of water in one corner. "Sit down and I'll serve yeh the stew."
As Hagrid slopped stew into each of their bowls, Remus and Alice were both miserably silent. At least Remus was miserable; it was hard to tell how Alice was feeling because she refused to look him in the eye.
Hagrid clanged the stew pot onto the table in front of him and began eating out of it. "Alice was tellin' me how she was impressed with yer speakin' – what was the word you said?"
"Eloquent," Alice said. "You're very eloquent."
"She's so excited t' see yeh, she can' say a single word," Hagrid said, winking at Remus.
"I can talk, Hagrid," she said irritably.
"She can' hardly shut up around me," Hagrid confided to Remus.
"Sounds like you get along famously," Remus said, earning himself two pained looks. "So, how often do you two talk?"
"Bout once a week," Hagrid said, looking at Alice, who nodded. "And all we ever talk about is you," he added in a warning tone.
"It's great how you two have so much in common," Remus said brightly, taking a sip of pumpkin juice and observing the effect of his words on Alice.
"Alice," said Hagrid desperately, "weren' you tellin' me t' other day that one o' you was missin'?"
"Deirdre," said Alice, looking for the first time straight at Remus. "No one's seen her for three days and we're getting really worried."
"Deirdre?" said Remus, putting down his glass.
"Yes," Alice said. "Were you two –"
"Were we what?" Remus said.
"Involved," she said in a tiny voice.
Remus snorted. "Don't be ridiculous, of course not," he said, and immediately wished he had lied because Alice looked so pleased. "Don't tell Molly," he said to Hagrid. "She would be so disappointed."
"Yeh'll have to tell her sometime," Hagrid said.
Remus shrugged and said to Alice, "When was the last time you saw Deirdre?"
"Three days ago she went into London to buy some curry powder," Alice said, "and she hasn't returned."
"Curry powder?" Remus said.
"We're quite fond of it," Alice said.
"Tha's a coin – cuin – strange thing to have happen," Hagrid said. "Remus lives in London, don'cha, Remus?"
"Two people in a city of seven million. That is a coincidence," Remus said.
Remus surveyed Alice surreptitiously as he spoke and was pleased to note the expression of disapproval on her face. "If you'd like," he said to her, "I can keep an eye out for her while I'm working. I don't know if Hagrid's told you, but I paint portraits in Æturn Alley."
"That would be nice of you," Alice said, looking as though she wasn't sure whether to believe him capable of niceness.
The rest of dinner was equally strained and Remus left as soon as he could. He went around to the side of the house, where he had put his broom, and realized that the laces on one of his boots were untied. Remus sat down directly below the window and began to retie them.
"He must've been havin' a bad day," he heard Hagrid saying apologetically over the clamor of the table being cleared. "He's a wonderful person, Remus."
"Well, he sure didn't act like it," Alice snapped. "When he talked to us all in the forest he sounded so kind and understanding and sympathetic and I was so excited to be meeting him at last, and then it turns out he's a complete and utter prick."
Remus poked his head through the window and said, "I actually am kind and understanding and sympathetic, but I am also fallible and I have bad days, which I'm sure you do too."
Remus stayed there a second longer than necessary because the look of shock on Alice's face was so enjoyable, then he ducked down and began searching for his broomstick in the dark.
"Remus?" said Alice.
He stood up and almost collided with her because she was hanging so far out the window. "Yes?"
"I'm a complete and utter bitch," she said. "Will you please forgive me?"
"Of course," Remus said, and he immediately wished he hadn't said that because she kissed him. "Oh, thank you so much," she said and then disappeared back inside the hut.
Remus hunkered down and resumed his search for the broomstick; inside he could hear Alice saying ecstatically, "He's such a normal, down-to-earth kind of person and so forgiving, and oh Hagrid, I think I might be in love."
Remus hoped very much, as he flew away from the hut, that it would not occur to Hagrid to bring Alice to the next Order dinner, and also that no one would mention any of the evening's adventures to Molly Weasley.
Unluckily, when Remus returned to number twelve, he found not one but three Weasleys sitting at the kitchen table, along with Minerva and Dumbledore; Arthur and Bill were absorbed in a game of wizard chess and the others were talking, or they were until Remus entered the room.
"Well, look who's coming home late," Molly said.
"It's quarter after nine, Molly," said Remus. He thought he heard either Bill or Minerva snort.
"And don't you look nice," Molly added.
"Mother, please," Remus said.
"Hagrid said he invited that nice Alice girl to have dinner with you," Molly said, undeterred.
"So you didn't put him up to it?" Remus said.
"Remus, of course not," Molly said. "So what did you think of her?"
"Oh, she was a real bitch," Remus said. "But she thought I was a prick, so it all worked out." Turning to Minerva, he said, "She told me that Deirdre was missing."
Minerva looked startled. "Is she really?"
"That's what Alice told me," Remus said. "Why, is it important?"
"Maybe," Minerva said faintly; she and Dumbledore exchanged looks and they both left the room.
Remus slumped in Minerva's abandoned chair. "No one ever tells me anything around here," he said irritably.
"Of course we do," Molly said. "Now, what color are Alice's eyes?"
* * *
It was raining so hard that the drops actually stung when they hit, and that was the only reason Remus was running along Diagon Alley toward the library. He was almost dreading his meeting with Narcissa, partially because he was afraid he would find Lucius Malfoy there waiting to kill him, and partially because he was afraid he was somehow transmitting important Order information in her presence. That was why he felt suddenly queasy when he saw her standing next to a rack of periodicals pretending to read something in Potions Digest Monthly, but he walked up to her anyway.
"What's that you're reading?" he said.
Narcissa glanced up at him. "It's called 'Faint or Feint?: An Examination of the Effect of Orris Root in the Clypeus Potion.'"
"Hmm," Remus said, looking at it over her shoulder. "Who's it by?"
"Someone named S.L. Snape."
"He's a quack," Remus said. "Did you read his last article? It was some rubbish about dandelion juice improving the memory – let me see if it's here –"
"I haven't read it, and I wouldn't mind seeing it, but I think we're bothering these people," Narcissa said, indicating the other occupants of the room, some of whom were indeed giving them dirty looks.
"Okay, let's go," Remus said, locating the correct journal and stowing it in his pocket as Narcissa led the way to a wing of the library that Remus rarely entered.
"There's a bunch of study rooms down here," Narcissa said, turning down a darkly paneled corridor, "so we won't have to worry about bothering anyone."
Remus suddenly had another nasty feeling about the whole business, but Narcissa had already walked into one of the rooms and he didn't know what to do except follow her.
There was a long wooden table in the room with chairs on each side, and they took seats across the table from each other.
"I wish you would have disguised yourself," Remus said. "Someone could have recognized you."
"What does it matter?" Narcissa said. "They don't know we're on opposite sides."
"It might matter," Remus said. "What would your husband do if he found out you were meeting the enemy at the library?"
"I don't know," she said. "I've never met the enemy at the library before."
"Speaking of which," Remus said, "why are you doing this?"
"Because I like being around you," she said. "And I was – damn – I was hoping you'd sleep with me."
"What do you think your husband would do if he found out about that?"
"Probably tie me to a tree," Narcissa said. "But he can sleep with whoever he wants, and I don't see why I can't do the same."
"I believe we've picked up the Muggle term for it – a double standard," Remus said. "Please don't be offended, but I think your husband would also try to kill me and I'm not sure you're worth dying for."
"Well, you'll never know now, will you?" Narcissa said and immediately clapped a hand over her mouth. "Sorry about that," she said through her fingers.
"It's okay," Remus said. "Are you very disappointed?"
"Not very," she said. "I didn't think you would."
"Why not?"
"You're too good a person."
"That's not necessarily the problem," Remus said. "It's just that I'm scared."
"Of Lucius?"
"Yes."
"Would it make any difference if he was dead?"
"I don't know," Remus said. "Why, are you planning to kill him?"
"No, but I've thought about it," Narcissa said.
"You could ask Snape for some Undetectable poison," Remus suggested.
"I could," Narcissa said, "but he'd be sure to ask who it was for, and –"
"Yes, I know," Remus said. "It was just a thought." He sighed. "Well, I guess we're stuck, aren't we?"
"What do you mean?"
"You can't tell a lie," Remus said, "and I can't tell the truth."
"Does that mean you never want to see me again?"
"No, but –"
"Listen, I'm already infatuated with you," Narcissa said. "What difference does it make if I see you or not?"
"Does your husband care how you feel about me?"
"I don't know," Narcissa said. "I think it'd depend on how you felt about me."
"Then it's a good thing I haven't told you that," Remus said.
"Can't you tell me anyway?"
"It's better if I don't," Remus said.
"Then you can't care much about me at all," Narcissa said. "Is that true?"
Remus pushed back his chair and stood up. "I've said too much," he said. "I have to go."
Narcissa stood up too. "You haven't told me anything important," she said.
"No," Remus said. "It's what I didn't say that's important."
"That's true," Narcissa said. "You never said you cared about me."
"You're right," Remus said. To her astonishment, he smiled a little.
He had to walk past her to leave the room, but she did not try to stop him.
^^^
Thanks everyone for reviewing the last chapter. I know there should be three more reviews there, because I got them in my inbox, but they aren't there when I click on the little review thing and I deleted the emails. I'm really annoyed at myself. : ( If you find that your review didn't show up, I'd appreciate it if you sent another, and I promise to leave it in my inbox for months and months.
