*

But That's Ridiculous

Chapter Eight: Prophesying

The Malfoy family, which now included Sirius, had been shocked to discover over breakfast one morning that in certain quarters, Remus Lupin could actually be considered alluring.

"Well, he is," Narcissa said.

Lucius craned his neck to inspect the Daily Prophet article.  "That explains it," he said triumphantly.  "They put his picture from Hogwarts in here.  He can't be any older than eighteen there.  And you had a crush on him at Hogwarts, didn't you, darling?"

"So what if I did?" she said.  "I married you."

"Mother, that doesn't necessarily mean anything," Draco pointed out.

"Oh, don't be such a little cynic," Lucius said.

"Why couldn't they have gotten a more recent picture of him?" Sirius said.  "Then no one could possibly be confused into thinking he's alluring."

"They didn't even talk to him," Narcissa said, shoving the paper at him.  "Here, read the article."

"'To many, Remus Lupin is an enigma,'" Sirius read in a mocking voice.  "'The well-beloved professor, who taught Defense against the Dark Arts at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, has rarely been seen in public since the revelation of his lycanthropy and subsequent resignation.  Now, this reporter talks to one of his close relatives about Remus's new sense of purpose and his new love interest.'  But he hasn't got any close relatives, not anymore."

"Is it true?" Narcissa said.  "About the love interest?"

"I wouldn't know," Sirius said, skimming the rest of the article.  "We never got around to talking about his love life."

Lucius snatched the paper out of Sirius's hands, glanced over the article, and flung it aside.  "Narcissa," he said, "we need to talk."

"I forgot to make my bed," Sirius said, jumping out of his chair and leaving the room.

"I forgot to comb my hair," Draco said, following him out.

Meanwhile Remus, who was eating his own breakfast in the kitchen at number twelve, read the article about himself with growing irritation.

"I am not seeing a mysterious blonde," he said, jabbing the paper with his fork.  "And what's this about the Order of Merlin?"

Remus decided to write Rita Skeeter and demand a retraction.  He was in the midst of composition when flames erupted in the fireplace and Sirius stepped out of them.

"Is there anything to eat?" he said.  "I'm starving."

Remus got him some toast and bacon, and refrained from asking any questions until Sirius was finished eating and ready to talk.

"I expect you're wondering why I'm here," Sirius said.

"Mm-hm," Remus agreed.

"Well, Lucius found out about Peter."

"How?" Remus said.

"He asked Narcissa who I'd used," Sirius said.  "She'd told him about the diary, and he must know how they work."

"How long has she been like that?" Remus said.  "Her disease, I mean."

"Ever since she was born," Sirius said.  "Or so I've heard.  I was only a few months old at the time."

"So is Lucius going to arrest you, or what?" Remus said.

"Probably," Sirius said, shrugging.  "Anyway, I can't stay here for too long, or they'll find me somehow.  I suppose I'm back to being a criminal on the run."  He didn't look too displeased at the prospect.

"Just think," Remus said.  "All these years everyone thought you'd killed Peter, and now you've finally done it."

"Yes," Sirius said, not at all remorsefully.  "Oh, Narcissa had something she wanted me to tell you," he added.

"Let's hear it," Remus said.

"Well, Lucius read the article in the Prophet," Sirius said.  "Have you seen it?"

"Yes, I have," Remus said, indicating the copy on the table.

"So he thought Narcissa was the mysterious blonde," Sirius said.  "She isn't, is she?"

"I'm not seeing anyone," Remus said.

"And he said something about Narcissa having a crush on you at school," Sirius said.  "I had no idea, did you?"

"No," Remus said.

"Anyway, she said that Lucius asked her how you felt about her and she thinks you don't care about her at all.  Is that true?"

"No," Remus said.  "I care about her, but not in the romantic sense."

"Right," Sirius said.  "Then how come she thinks you don't?"

"I said some things that she probably misunderstood," Remus said.

Sirius snorted.  "You never could say what you mean.  It's probably safe to explain yourself now, though.  Lucius knows she can't lie, and I doubt he'll ask her that again."

"Are you telling me I should talk to her?" Remus said.

"Think what you want," Sirius said.

"What happened to you arranging my love life for me?"

"Oh, that's over with," Sirius said.  "I can't make you do what I want anymore."

"What a relief," Remus said.

"It's not like you're going to do anything about it on your own," Sirius said.  "Are you?"

"Well –"

"You aren't," Sirius said.  "Then let me give you some advice – don't be a fool."

"Excellent advice," Remus said, "but rather general, don't you think?"

Sirius just rolled his eyes.  "I have to get to work," he said.

"Doing what?"

"Mixing up a few potions," Sirius said.  "Polyjuice and that sort of thing."

"Is there a cauldron in the house, or do I have to go buy you one?"

"All my potion-making stuff is in the attic," Sirius said.  "But if you go out today, I am a little low on fluxweed."

"I'll keep my eye out," Remus said irritably as Sirius left the room.

But after work, Remus did stop by the apothecary to buy the fluxweed.  Hermione Granger was there as well, paying for a small parcel wrapped in brown paper.  She turned to leave and spotted him.

"Oh, hello, Professor Lupin," she said.  Remus opened his mouth to tell her that he was unlikely ever to teach again when she said, "That was an interesting article about you in the Daily Prophet today."

"I hope you didn't believe any of it," Remus said.

"Oh, I didn't," Hermione said, her expression darkening.  "I know how Rita Skeeter operates."

"Her sabbatical doesn't seem to have done her any good," Remus said.

"No, I don't expect it has," Hermione said, sounding disappointed.

"Say, how did you know she was on sabbatical?" Remus said.  "She only told me when she was trying to worm an interview out of me."

"Well, she hasn't written anything in a year and I had rather hoped she was dead," Hermione said.  "But I see now that was too much to hope for.  So it wasn't your twin brother she talked to after all, was it?"

"Romulus is nothing but an invention of mine for dealing with creditors, the press and other nosy people.  I hope," he continued, indicating the package she held, "you aren't planning to brew any potions with that just yet.  It's technically illegal, you know."

"Yes, I do know," Hermione said.  "I'm just picking up a few things now, before I have to start packing for school."

"Already?" Remus said.  "Term doesn't start for three weeks."

"Hasn't Mrs. Weasley talked to you?" Hermione said.

"Not recently," Remus said.  "What has she got planned now?"

"She invited me and Harry to stay with her and Ron and Ginny at headquarters," Hermione said.  "Starting next week.  She just sent Harry a letter – I do hope he can come.  You mean she hasn't told you?"

"Not a word," Remus said grouchily.  "Still, it's not my house, it isn't like she needs my permission or anything."

"Please don't be mad at her," Hermione said.  "I'm sorry I brought it up."

"Don't worry," Remus said.  "I won't get you involved if I can avoid it."

"Well, I won't keep you any longer," Hermione said.  "I'm sure you have lots to buy."

"Not much really," Remus said, "I just dropped by to get some fluxweed for – ah, Snuffles."

"Really?" Hermione said, giving him an inquiring look.

"Well, yes," Remus said, feeling that he had just been skewered.  "You see, someone found out about what he did and he's going to make a few potions to protect himself."

"Ah," Hermione said.  "And what does he plan on doing?"

"I couldn't say."

"Listen, I've just had an idea," Hermione said.  "Do you think you can get him to stay at headquarters for another week or so, until we get there?"

"It'll take him a couple weeks to make – whatever it is he's going to make," Remus said.

"Good," Hermione said.  "You make sure he stays there, I'll have a talk with Ron, and between us I think we can keep history from repeating itself."  She smiled.  "I have to go, but I'll be seeing you soon."

"Bye," Remus said, unable to stop staring after her as she left the shop.  He had the distinct feeling that it had been Hermione, and not he, who had gotten the most out of their conversation.  He finally realized what was so annoying about Hermione Granger: around her, he felt outfoxed, outclassed, and outwitted.  It was how he had felt, however vaguely, around James and Sirius, and it was still more depressing to feel that way around one of his former students.  He knew he was not the fleetest wolf in the pack, but to be reminded of it in such a way –

"'Scuse me, sir," said the apothecary, rolling his eyes.  "Can I help you?"

* * *

Remus had intended to confront Molly when she arrived with the children a week later, but he never got the chance.  He heard the front door open and then a subdued commotion in the front hall; he got there in time to help everyone get their trunks up the creaking staircase, and the first thing Molly said was, "Where's Harry?  He is coming, isn't he?"

"Albus said he could come," Remus said, "and I was just about to get him when you showed up."

"Oh," Molly said.  "Well, go on then."

Remus retrieved Harry from the Dursleys' with a minimum of insults, and the first thing Harry said, while Remus was still shunting his trunk up the stairs, was "Where's Sirius?"

"Making potions," Remus said.  "Open the door for me, would you?"

"Where?" Harry said, scurrying forward and opening the door.  Ron, Hermione and Ginny were already sitting in the room, looking at them.

"Where's Sirius?" said Hermione.

"Sirius is upstairs, in the attic, making five different potions," Remus said, dropping the trunk at the foot of what he presumed was Harry's bed.  The entire house sagged.  "He specifically asked me not to be disturbed until it was time to eat, so I would suggest that you play Exploding Snap or annoy Molly or find something else to do until Sirius is ready to play with you."

"It's not that," Hermione said.  "We just have a suggestion to make to Sirius –" she glanced at Ron – "and we thought that all of you should be there to hear it."

"Fine," Remus said.  "After we eat.  Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some bee stings to bottle."

After Remus closed the door, he heard Ron say, "Wonder what's wrong with Lupin.  He's never acted like this before."

"I expect he's had a difficult time of it," Hermione said.

She has no idea, Remus thought, wishing he could bite something.

"So," Molly said at dinner that evening, "what's this I hear about you and a mysterious blonde, Remus?"

"It's a lie," he said, violently forking a potato.  "A vicious lie that comes to us courtesy of the Skeeter witch."

"But I heard that you and Mrs. Malfoy –"

"Sirius was lying," Remus said, glaring at Sirius.  "Weren't you, Sirius?"

"I really don't think it's any of our business," Hermione said.

Everyone at the table stared at her.

"I mean, really," she said irritably.  "If he wants to spend the rest of his life alone, what right do we have to stop him?"

"Thanks, Hermione," said Remus, not feeling entirely grateful.

"Would you rather I didn't discuss your love life?" Molly said, looking pained.

That was exactly what he wanted, but a scrap of decency prevented him from saying so.  "At least not in front of them," he said, indicating Harry, Hermione, Ron and Ginny.

"Please," Ginny said.  "It's not like we haven't –"

"Ginny, be quiet," Molly said imperiously, and she was.  Remus did not want to know what she had been about to say.  Ron looked mortified.  Sirius snickered.

"Dessert, anyone?" Molly said.  "It's mint gateau tonight."

Once dinner was over, everyone except Molly adjourned to Harry and Ron's room, where Hermione explained her idea.  It was a simple one: Sirius would take Polyjuice Potion to look like Ron, who would be staying in Bill's flat, while Sirius remained at number twelve.

"Well, I think it's a brilliant idea," Sirius said, looking around for confirmation.  Hermione tried to look modest.

"What happens when you go back to Hogwarts?" Remus said.

"They'll have to switch back, of course," Hermione said.  "Still, it buys Sirius some time."

"Who's buying the ingredients?" Remus said.

"We're all chipping in," Hermione said.

"Then I have no objections," Remus said.  "How about you, Ron?"

"I'll do it," he said.

"Great," Remus said.  "If you need me, I'll be downstairs, acting innocent."

Feeling slightly guilty, he went downstairs to help Molly with the dishes.  It wasn't as bad as he expected; Molly seemed to be making a special effort not to mention Narcissa.  Remus fell asleep that night lulled by thoughts of a new life, free of romance and untroubled by the machinations of his surrogate mother.

He spent all of the next day painting, and returned in the evening to find that Tonks had come for dinner, making them eight in all.

"Oh, hello, Remus," said Molly, looking up briefly from the skillet of potatoes she was frying.  Hermione, Ginny and Tonks were clustered around the stove as well.

"Lo," Remus said, making for the pantry.  By now he knew not to expect any firewhisky; he took a butterbeer instead and, uncorking it, ambled back into the kitchen.

"Is this an introduction to culinary magic?" Remus said, leaning against the doorjamb and taking a long comforting swig of butterbeer.

"Something like that," Molly replied tersely.  Remus watched with great amusement as Molly scolded Ginny for not chopping the onions finely enough.

"Look at the nice job Hermione's done with her onions," Molly said.

"It's just like Potions," Hermione said comfortingly to Ginny.  "Except it's easier."

"That explains why I nearly flunked Potions last term," Ginny muttered.

"Where are the others at?" Remus said, cutting off whatever Molly had been about to say.

"Upstairs, I think," Tonks said.

"You might tell them we're eating in fifteen minutes," Molly said as Remus left.

He found Sirius, Harry and Ron in Harry and Ron's bedroom, where Sirius was giving them a lesson of a very different sort than Molly's.

"Now," Sirius was saying, "watch what happens when you hit the map with your wand and say 'Lily Evans.'"

"Oh, hello, Remus," said Harry, who had looked up at the sound of footsteps.

"Hello," Remus said.  "I see you're teaching them all the old tricks, Sirius."

"Of course," Sirius said.  "You wouldn't want all of our research going to waste, now would you?"

Remus rolled his eyes and took another drink of butterbeer.  "We're eating in fifteen minutes," he informed them.

"Good," Sirius said.  "Time for one more lesson.  You two have both been in the prefects' bath, haven't you?"

Harry and Ron both nodded.

"You're not a prefect," Remus said to Harry.

"Yeah," Ron said, looking suspiciously at Harry.  "When have you ever been in there?"

Harry shrugged and blushed.

"Good man," Sirius said, clapping Harry on the shoulder.  "Now, you go to the north side of the pool – that's the one closest to the crazy painting – and count seven taps in from the end closest to the door.  When you hit that tap three times with your wand, the pool turns into an exact replica of the bottom of the lake."

"No way," Ron said, deeply awed.

"How did you find that out?" Harry said.

"I made it that way," Sirius said, grinning.  "And it was Remus who gave me the idea."

"I did not," Remus protested.  "All I said was I wonder how they made the ceiling like that.  You decided to apply the concept to the prefects' bath."

"And a good idea it was," Sirius said.

"You four," they heard Molly yell from downstairs.  "Get down here this minute."

They rushed to the kitchen, expecting supper, but Molly had only called them down to set the table.  Fortunately the meal followed shortly after.

"Oh, Remus," said Molly as she passed him the potatoes.  "I talked to Minerva today."

Remus was suddenly filled with dread.  She had introduced his other blind dates in just such innocent manner.  "I don't want to hear it," he said.

"How do you know you don't?" Molly snapped.  "You haven't heard what it is yet."

"No," Remus said, "and I don't want to."

"Oh, you're impossible," Molly fumed.  "I don't know what your mother must have done with you."

"She locked me in the shed once a month," Remus said cheerfully.  "She said when I left for Hogwarts and she couldn't lock me up anymore, it took half the fun out of her life."

There was an awful silence, during which Remus beamed around at everyone.  "Yes," he said at last, "my mother was a real battleaxe."

"So's mine," Ginny said.

"Well," Molly said.  "I can tell no one wants to know what Minerva said."  She got up and stalked out of the room.

"Let's hope it's not important," Sirius said cheerily.

* * *

Note for thistlemeg: Thanks for the review.  About the custody situation: You're exactly right, and I went back and changed it to Dumbledore (he seems the next likely candidate).  I'm so glad you pointed that out.

Note for everyone: Sorry this has taken me so long.  I'm just going to say band camp!  Anyway, I have chapter nine finished but I'm not happy with the ending.  Depending how busy I am, it should be out in a week or so.  No promises, of course.