Alexander Anderson's Manuel to Wooing a Lady

Lesson 1:
A lady loves a seranding admirer who sings songs of love to her lovely face and love and love and more love.

What SHOULD have happened:

He climbed up the deliciously scented rose brier, wrapped in a dark satin cloak of scarlet with a pearly white masqurade mask upon his face, obscuring it from the moon's glow. He peered into her room, as she laid with a light sheet wrapped around her hourglass figure, and his eyes roamed slowly along her curves so sweetly shadowed in the most private and tender of places . Her breathing made her bosom rise up and down, making him tremble with held back delight and a love filled heart overflowing with...love.

Leaping nimbly from the window sill, he made his way quickly to his one and only true love who slept in Morpheus's arms. He stopped by her side, and ran his hand down her smooth cheek in one movement that was both innocent and lustful with mad raging lust from his lions of hotness that came from all the raging lust.Breathing raggedly, he drew her upwards, awakening her from her peaceful slumber. Her bright red eyes snapped open to meet his own, and she moaned in need as he hastily ripped the the million hooked bra that was tight and hard to breath in.Finally, when the million hooked hard as hell to breath in bra was off, he leapt into her bed...fully clothed.

"Aren't you suppose-"

He pressed a finger to her lips, and smiled ruefully...LIKE THAT STUPID GAYASS PIRATE! I SHOWED YOU YOU BASTARD!!!!...Ahem.

"Weeeee must mate like dee weeld dawgs of dee weeld ma cherie. Weeeee must go mad weeth lust and dee passions that arouse een us and make my geeglesteeck eeerrecctt."

She sighed, and groaned as his gently raped her with his mouth and fingers...LIKE THAT OTHER STUPID BASTARD WHO THINKS HE CAN GET AWAY WITH IT! AHAHAHAHHAHAH AT YOU BITCH! I'M HAVING SEX WITH A VAMPIRE AND YOU CAN'T GET ANY WITH YOUR LITTLE NUGGET!...Ahem...once again.Her body twisted this way and that as he went lower and lower to kiss every forbidden corner and shadowed cranny. The feeling of total wanton spread throughout her whole being as she writhed in the sheets, her eyes closed and sweat beading on her forehead. Oh, how delightful it felt to be touched in such a sinfully pleasurable way with rugged hands that roamed all over! How delightful it was indeed! Oh, lovely rapture of flowers that taste of the sweetest necter that flows like the wine of life! Longing, needing and wanting but resisting all the same, she followed downward the path to expectant delirious climax that she had dreamed of. Faithful to hersef, she only let him do what he pleased and not limit him in his quest. Oh rapture! Saints be wwith her as she falls downward into madness that can only last for the while he stays!

But then again.....all good things can't last.

".....you taste funny."

"That's what all the necrophiliacs say."

"I am not a necrophiliac! God forbids copulation with the dead and all who associate with them with the punishment of eternal damnation!"

"Okay, this really turning me off and you're biting my hipbone, leggo of that jerk! Go lower or I'm going to kick you in the back and clamp my legs over your ears....then you really won't be going anywhere."

"....Yes m'am."

The writhing continued, and Alexander Anderson was a very happy if afraid man.

What DID happen:

"....damn."

Alexander Anderson stared down at the basement window of Sera's quarters, and cursed to himself when he noticed that she was wearing a Raider's jersey and sweat pants instead of a lacy corset, and that she has thick heavy cover to make matters worse....

"Nice night."

The priest whirled around to meet Heinkel's blackened eyes. The bright burning end of her cigarette bobbed as she nodded to him. She kept her face serious, struggling to keep the cigarette in her mouth as she observed Anderson's attire for the evening.He turned away, and trained his eyes on the sleeping vampiress.

"Another fight with Nosterafu I see." he said quietly.

"Yep, pretty much. But he went easy on me this time. " She smiled widely, and pointed to her eyes. "I gave him a bloody nose and a busted lip and I all got were these two babies.....and by the way, what's with the red silk slipcover and paper mask?"

Alexander shuddered, and glared over his shoulder at Heinkel, who smiled sweetly with her teeth clamped down on her cigarette.

"I happen to be wooing if you do not mind" he said shortly "and I wish one would leave me alone to do my work."

"And what inspired this dashing slightly stained slipcover cape and notebook paper masked dark knight to come out at 12 pm and stand shivering with his burning love otuside the fair dead lady's window?"

"I am not shivering for one. It is nippy out here and..." he faltered as he noticed Heinkel's sleevless slit up the side priest dress.

"And what?"

"Why are you even out here?"

"I said it when I came out here...nice night. I just happened to see your ungainly shape over here and thought I'd might share a ciggy with you for goodness sake." She leaned forward, and craned her neck to look at Seras. "But I see that you're busy with your wooing....too many romance novels my dear friend....too much....and this wooing is going to take place when?"


"When YOU get out of here and leave me be!" he snapped as he pulled a sheet out from a sleeve.

"Gimme." she said as she snatched it away. Ignoring his growl of outrage, she pulled the cig out of her mouth as she scanned the sheet music. Lowering the paper, she stared into the air a few minutes, and slowly turned to stare at the scowling priest.

".....My Bonnie....Lies....Over...The Ocean?"

"I said I didn't want you to see."

"...ANDERSON....MY...BONNIE.....LIES....OVER.....THE....OCEAN....you picked the most trite repitive annoying scottish love song in the history of the world to woo a vampiress who hates and fears you....where the hell is the kilt and bagpipes!?" she nearly screamed as she poked a hole in the paper with the half burning end of the cigarette.

"Hey! Stop that!" he grabbed at the paper as Heinkel ran away, now fully laughing, into the dark night waving the paper in her hand.

"MY BONNIE LIES OVER THE OCEAAAAANNN" Heinkel sang in a heavy Scottish accent "MAH BONNIEEEE LIES OVER DA SAAYYYYYYYYY!"

"What is this all about?"

Anderson whirled around, the slipcover falling off as he stared at the grime eyed Seras, who's eyes widened at the sight of her Master's bright green eyes burning in anger behind the mask.

"And what are YOU doing here?!" she hissed as she unlocked the window's latch, and threw it open.

"I can explain this calmly and-"

Heinkel danced by at that moment, and waved the paper at Seras she laughed merrily in perverse delight.

"Romeo here is trying to woo you Juliet! He's even got the really bad 'exotic' cape and the 'mysterious' mask to top it all off" the priestess said sarcasticlly as she bent down and shoved the paper at the little vamp. "Read and weep kiddo. And be careful of Fabio here, he's going to insist on taking you to adult shop after a nice trip to the erotic arts museum!"

"Heinkel.....going....to...kill....you."

Seras felt hot bile rise in her throat, and let out a piercing scream as she gathered up shoes, cosmetics and hats and began to throw them one by one at the astounded priest.

"Stop! Please! I AM YOUR MASTER! DAMN YOU!"

The vampiress continued her mad tirade, and smacked Anderson across the face with a sandel.

"Go way! Go way!" she hissed "and don't bother me again at night! PERVERT!" she cried , and slammed the window shut.

Yowling in hurt pride, Anderson darted after the insane Heinkel, now dancing and leaping like a deer on the moon

The priestess's laughter pierced the night air as she ran around on the Hellsing lawn, with a great big huge fop tripping over his feet after her cursing wildly as he waved a sharp blade in the air.

"SHUT....UP!"

"SCREW YOU FITLHY PROTESTANT PRUDE!"

Integral snarled as she hurled her dagger letter opener at the insane duo, and stumbled back to her bed. She clamped her pillow like a vise over her ears as she gritted her teeth.

"Iscariot idiots.....forcing their ways in MY life and MY sleep and disturbing it with their bloody stupid matters." she winced as she felt something thrown against the window bounced off, followed by more shouting.

"And I have to meet with the Master of Idiots tomorrow...GOD." She turned onto her back, and pressed the pillow tightly over her face. "They better be civil....' she murmured to herself "Must bring Alucard...straighten them out if things get messy...Maxwell....bloody idiot...putting more idiots in my command....hate Catholics."
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