Disclaimer: Much to the dismay of Peg Topper and many, many others, Harry Potter is the sole property of J.K. Rowling, who holds the copyright thereto.
A/N: Sorry it's taking so long to update this story, but I'll try to be quicker about it in the future. This story doesn't seem to attract many readers—yet. I'm hoping that will change as it gets longer. I think that Peg is actually a pretty likeable character for being so clichéd, which is why this isn't one of those parodies where she'll be ripped limb from limb by Fluffy or the Whomping Willow or any other potentially dangerous object. I'll just stick with minor mishaps.
Siri: Hmm...you asked for a pie in the face? (Peg's, not yours, of course...) You know, just for you I might be able to manage that. I think a food fight in one of the later chapters would fit well with the established theme of the story so far, don't you? Heh heh heh...
A: Come on, a real long review, please? None of this "lololololololololol" stuff. And look, I updated something! Admittedly not what you wanted me to update, but I was almost done with this chapter anyway. Be glad I got anything done with those insane geometry projects to deal with. (Don't worry, folks, she's a friend. I can insult her without fear of flames.)
kippinator: Glad you're enjoying it. I am too—I love tormenting Peg. By the way, I notice you haven't reviewed "Sirius on the Rum" for a chapter or two. Please? Boy, I feel desperate, begging for reviews...But I should update "Middle-earth at Hogwarts" soon—without overuse of "horror" this time. J
Mrs. Greenleaf: I think my friend A is jealous of your name—she sees it on my review pages and drools with envy. Thanks for your great reviews!
Clayin: Yeah, I thought putting her in Slytherin might be a bit of an original touch. She and Snape get along so well, don't they? You get to see a bit more Peg/Harry interaction in this chapter, don't worry...
Breakfast With Slytherins
As she climbed the stairs to the Great Hall, Peg Topper thought she would burst with relief at finally having arrived for breakfast after her great ordeal. So far, her first morning at her new school had not gone as well as hoped, but she fully expected mealtime to be much better. Why, perhaps she could catch a glimpse of her beloved Harry—or, better yet, actually catch his eye and immediately entrance him with her beauty and charm!
Peg was so wrapped up in her thoughts that she failed to pay attention to what her feet were doing. As a result, she also failed to notice the slight unevenness of the top step and fell flat on her face in front of the whole school. This jolted her rudely out of her reverie as well as messing up her blond hair, which she had painstakingly arranged as best she could under the circumstances. Lying facedown on the floor of the Great Hall, Peg could hear the wave of laughter making its way through the students as heads turned in her direction. It was then that she noticed the only redeeming feature of this debacle.
Harry Potter was looking at her.
Suddenly, the situation seemed much better than it had mere seconds before. Surely Peg could withstand any humiliation if it meant getting the attention of her one true love! Now he would begin to see how wrong he had been to like Cho earlier. Now he would begin to realize that she was the most beautiful creature he had ever seen and he simply must get to know her better…
Harry, Ron, and Hermione stared pityingly at the new girl. What was her name—Pam? No, Peg, that was it. "Poor thing," Hermione murmured to the boys, watching as Peg picked herself up and headed for the Slytherin table. Apparently, she hadn't quite gotten the hang of it yet, because she was making her way directly toward the Hufflepuffs.
"Wonder why she's here, anyway," Harry mused, watching her with interest. It wasn't every day they got a klutzy American exchange student, after all. Then he saw something that froze the blood in his veins and left him inwardly gibbering with terror. As the girl finally realized she was at the wrong table and went over to join the Slytherins, she looked directly at Harry for a moment and he could have sworn he saw her smile coyly and bat her eyelashes. Oh, horrors…not another crush. It had taken long enough to get rid of Ginny…
Peg was very pleased with the impression she had made. Certainly falling down was a rather painful way to attract someone's attention, but it invariably worked, as it most certainly had in this case. And although she hadn't really enjoyed being told in no uncertain terms to get the heck away from the Hufflepuffs and go to the Slytherin table where she belonged, it had provided her with an extra opportunity to steal a glance at Harry. Why, when she smiled at him she could have sworn she saw his eyes widen in shock that such a beautiful girl would notice him!
[Well, get used to it, Harrykins,] she thought, sitting down to finally eat some breakfast. [Where have you been all my life?] There...that was a good line to start their first conversation with. Although she really felt as though she knew him already, he might need more time to adjust to his good fortune, so it was better to start slow.
"So you finally got here, did you?" The voice jolted her out of her reverie and back to the present. Looking for the speaker, Peg saw Draco Malfoy sitting directly across from her. His blond hair was, as usual, perfectly combed back, causing sixth-year girls all over the room to swoon whenever they looked over at the Slytherin table, partly from his amazing good looks and partly from Crabbe and Goyle.
"Yeah," she said tiredly, not really caring anymore that he was Harry's worst enemy at school. "It's amazing how many corridors there are down there."
Malfoy laughed, not entirely unkindly. "Got lost, huh? It happens to everyone. Here." He shoved a nearby plate of toast at her along with some jam. Peg accepted them gratefully, thinking that Malfoy's looks were definitely not bad. In fact, if she wasn't totally focused on Harry...But no, that way lay sacrilege. She forced her thoughts away from Malfoy and back to the boy at the Gryffindor table.
As she began to butter her toast, Malfoy said, "So you're American, huh?" Peg looked up, somewhat apprehensive at the prospect of yet another tirade on the subject, but he didn't sound angry, just interested. "Why'd you transfer anyway? Seems like you went to a lot of trouble for nothing."
[Oh, no, not nothing,] Peg thought to herself with satisfaction. Not that she had any interest in school whatsoever, but going across the Atlantic had been more than worth it to be in the same school with the legendary Harry Potter! Just to think of his unruly black hair, his deep and mysterious green eyes, his adorably jagged scar filled her with a happiness that words could not express...And now he was to be all hers, and they would marry and live happily ever after in a beautiful little cottage by the sea.
Sighing with bliss at her plans for the future, Peg absentmindedly took a bite of her bread. Just as soon as she got her schedule, she would be able to see what classes she had with the Gryffindors and plan her day accordingly. After all, it wouldn't do to show up for a class with Harry with her hair disheveled or, worse, smelling like some horrible potion!
As she meditated on how best to enter said class—cool, collected, and on time or fashionably late—she became aware of a piece of paper lying on the table in front of her. With a cry of excitement, she snatched it up to see what her schedule was.
Oh, joy...right after lunch she had Potions with the Gryffindors! Peg examined her schedule more closely. No, not just Potions, but double Potions! She was lost in delight. Double Potions with Harry...From what she knew of Snape, she guessed he and the other Slytherins would make Harry's life during Potions absolutely miserable. The thought of poor Harrykins needing comfort, maybe even a shoulder to cry on, made her smile anew.
There she would be, sitting right next to him, and she would give him a sympathetic, concerned look and tell the others where to get off and he would suddenly realize that at least one Slytherin was a decent person. "Oh, Peg," he would say huskily, his voice cracking adorably, "what would I do without you?" And she would just smile at him adoringly and hold his hand and—
"Hey! Hellooo..." Malfoy was waving a hand in front of her face. Once more, Peg jerked back to real life with a start, feeling like a complete idiot. "I said, 'So what was your old school like?'"
She blinked, surprised by the question. "Oh. Well, actually I was home-schooled." Peg knew that didn't sound nearly as glamorous as going to school in an old castle steeped in magical tradition, but Malfoy had caught her by surprise and she hadn't had time to make up something about a cool, ultramodern school with a laptop for every student and fluorescent lighting.
Nonetheless, he seemed as impressed as a Malfoy could be, which really wasn't saying much. "So your mum and dad must be great teachers, then," he remarked, raising a blond eyebrow. "Or did you take the Qwikspell course?" At the expression on her face, he laughed again and took a bite of his toast. "Joking, joking. But seriously, how did your parents manage it?"
Peg felt her cheeks growing hot. She had dreaded this...how to explain it so that she didn't sound like a total moron. Taking a deep breath, she smiled as best she could and blurted very quickly, "My parents didn't teach me magic."
Malfoy leaned back in his chair, watching her skeptically. "Then who did?" Peg winced.
"Um...Well, I only started doing magic a few months ago," she muttered into her plate, embarrassed at having to admit it in front of a Slytherin. At least Harry wasn't there to witness her humiliation—that would have been unbearable. Having to admit in front of her soulmate that she had been, for all intents and purposes, a Squib until only weeks before...
Leaning forward, his toast forgotten, Malfoy said, "But that's supposed to be almost impossible!" His eyes were wide. "Every witch or wizard shows their magic by age eleven at latest!" Peg nodded in gloomy agreement, wondering why she was cursed with being a freak.
"I guess I'm kind of a late bloomer," she offered, giving him a weak smile. He didn't quite return it, his jaw being too busy hanging slack as he stared at her. Somewhat nervously, Peg wiped jam off her fingers and waited for the blow to fall—just one morning at Hogwarts had already taught her to expect instant ostracism as the response to any deviation from the norm.
[Harry wouldn't shun me,] she thought fiercely, imagining his sensitive, caring nature. [He knows what it's like to be different...] The thought of being sympathetic and understanding toward poor Harry, who certainly had problems if anyone did, made her feel all warm and fuzzy inside...
"Wow," Malfoy murmured, shaking his head in disbelief. "I mean, that's really...sixth year?" Seemingly by force of habit, he reached for his goblet and took a sip of pumpkin juice, but his eyes remained fixed on her. "That's unheard of!" He stopped suddenly, frowning slightly at her. "Just how old are you, anyway?" he asked a little suspiciously.
"Oh." Peg blushed again, wishing people would just stop asking her questions and let her woo Harry in peace. "Um, I'm, uh...really, I'm..." She swallowed, then continued in an even lower voice. "Thirteen." If Malfoy wasn't already disgusted with her, this would surely be the last straw—who entered sixth year at Hogwarts at age thirteen?
"I...see," Malfoy said slowly, his blond eyebrows disappearing beneath a curl of his perfectly groomed hair. "And just why—"
"I'm very mature for my age," she added hastily, not wanting him to think she was some stupid little brat who had bought her way into Hogwarts. The fact that her parents were filthy rich had nothing to do with it! "And my parents were the ones who wanted me in sixth year." This was a bald-faced lie, as Peg had spent a total of two weeks wearing her parents down to the point at which they would consent to it, but she certainly didn't want to explain to Malfoy her reasons for wanting to get to know the sixth-years—one sixth-year in particular.
He said nothing for a few seconds, watching her as she nibbled at her toast. When at last he spoke, he said only, "Oookay." Peg waited for him to go on, but nothing more was forthcoming, so she turned back to her breakfast with a small sigh. Just one more person who thought she was either crazy or brainless or both...
Peg tried to eat, but she was so preoccupied with her steadily declining chances for happiness at Hogwarts that she found it hard to force anything down. Absentmindedly, she took a swig of pumpkin juice—and quite suddenly, all other thoughts and worries were driven forcibly out of her mind. Choking and spluttering, she dropped the goblet, spilling juice all over the tablecloth in her agony.
As her mind cleared and her coughing subsided, Peg stared from the now-empty goblet to the wide-eyed faces surrounding her. Dimly, she realized that everyone in the Great Hall was staring at her, motionless and silent. Hastily, she reached for her napkin and wiped the pumpkin juice off her robes as best she could, still shuddering from the shock. Last night at the feast she hadn't really been aware of anything she had eaten—she had been too excited for that. However, now that she had consciously tasted the stuff—
Peg shuddered again, still tasting the sweetness of the juice. Whoever would have thought that pumpkin juice could be so terrible? Everyone else at Hogwarts seemed to love it, but she supposed that was a matter of taste. Although how anyone as all-around neat and enlightened as Harry could like such a beverage was beyond even her great mind...
"Hey." Jumping for the third time in twenty minutes, Peg glanced up at Malfoy. He was now glaring fiercely around the hall, and most of the school very suddenly lost interest in Peg and her predicament. "Don't feel bad," he continued. "First day's always the hardest, eh?" He smiled at her bracingly. "It'll be all right." Peg nodded glumly, more to escape his notice than because she actually agreed with him.
Looking down at the table again, Peg saw her beloved schedule, almost forgotten in the embarrassment of the pumpkin juice fiasco. The column labeled "Monday" caught her eye, and she gasped in shock. The first entry in the column read "9:00—Transfiguration".
Malfoy looked up. "What is it?" he asked, peering at her in concern. Her mouth working as she struggled to speak, Peg pointed to her schedule. At last she managed to force words out through her suddenly dry mouth.
"Transfiguration—ten minutes," she whispered. "And I don't know my way there and I won't be any good anyway and I'm so stupid and everyone hates me and I just know I'll get expelled—" She broke off at the look on Malfoy's face.
"Nobody's going to expel you," he said shortly. "And in case you've forgotten, we have all our classes together. You'll walk with us until you know your way around, of course."
"Of course," Peg agreed, relieved that someone was helping her for a change. Us...? He must be referring to the two goons who seemed to follow him around wherever he went, but she felt she could stomach the company of Gab and Croyle or whatever their names were for a few hours. After all, Malfoy was the first person at this school so far who had been even remotely polite to her...
Getting up from the table, Malfoy beckoned to her. "Come on, let's go. We'd better get to class a little early since it's your first day." He began striding toward the doors into the entrance hall, ignoring the stares from nearby tables, and Peg followed with a sigh. The morning hadn't been exactly enjoyable, but at least she had one comfort—she would not be late to her first class with Maniac McGonagall.
A/N: Hmm...sounds like Malfoy's taken Peg under his wing. Is love in the air? If so, Peg doesn't know it yet. I'm still trying to decide whether Harry will ever really notice her or not. But I'll save that for another chapter. For now, I need feedback. Would you be interested in seeing me write a whole romance series? Don't worry, all parodies...The series would be called "Robbing the Cradle" and would feature good companions to the ever-popular Hermione/Snape romance, such as Harry/Trelawney, McGonagall/Malfoy, Ginny/Filch, etc. So...tell me whether you'd be interested in seeing me horribly parody romance stories (and by horribly I mean horribly). And don't anybody dare steal my ideas! Unfortunately, they've probably already been done anyway...Coming Fairly Soon (Hopefully): Chapter Four.
