Daddy Duo

Chapter 20

Duo the Spy

(AN: To Jack, who is sick and needs to laugh instead of cough.)

"He-chan!" Duo called out, "Come sit with us."

He was eating lunch in the cafeteria at Preventor's Headquarters.

Heero stood undecided for a few seconds then carried his tray over to where Wufei and Duo were sitting.

"Good afternoon, Heero," said Wufei politely. "How is your wife?"

Heero was silent, holding his coffee cup and looking into it.

"Something wrong with your coffee, He-chan?" asked Duo, looking over his shoulder into the cup.

"No," said Heero shortly, took a sip of it.

"Everything all right?" asked Duo, persisting. Heero was acting strangely, even for Heero.

"Yes," said Heero, stubbornly monosyllabic.

He put down the cup and continued to stare at his plate.

"Not hungry, Heero?" asked Wufei, also noticing that Heero was acting a bit odd.

"I don't know," said Heero picking up his sandwich and taking a bite mechanically.

"Then why are you eating?" asked Duo, giving Wufei a questioning glance.

"It's lunchtime," said Heero, frowning and putting down the sandwich. He stared at his plate again, not moving.

Finally Duo lost patience with the mechanical Heero routine.

He put his mouth close to Heero's nearest ear (fully aware of the imminent danger to life and limb) and shouted, "Earth to HEERO!"

Heero immediately grabbed his butter knife with one hand and Duo's braid with the other and pinned him to the table, holding the knife to Duo's throat.

"Leave me ALONE!" he said between clenched jaws and just as suddenly, released Duo and walked off.

"Something is definitely wrong in He-chan-ville," said Duo, choking a little as he got up from his awkward position on the table.

"Here," said Wufei, handing Duo his glass of water. "You may be correct."

"May?" asked Duo, after taking a long soothing drink of water.

"Okay, he's acting stranger than usual," said Wufei.

"I wonder if something is wrong between him and Relena?" mused Duo. "You notice he didn't answer you when you asked about her."

"It's their business Duo, stay out of it," said Wufei. "You are terminally curious. And I mean that literally in Heero's case."

Duo began to hum the theme song from an old TV program, 'Mission Impossible' under his breath. Off key. Wufei winced.

"Your mission, Mr. Maxwell, should you choose to accept it," said Duo in dramatic tones, "is to discover why Preventor Heero Yuy, is acting weirder than a three dollar bill. This message will self-destruct in 3 seconds. BEEEEP!"

"What?" said Wufei, looking at Duo like he had just asked him to drink tequila shots with him stark naked.

"You are so pop-culturally deprived," said Duo, shaking his head at Wufei.

"I no idea what you are carrying on about," said Wufei, "but may I give you the name of a good psychiatrist?"

"It just means that if I don't figure out what is up with He-chan, I'm gonna die of curiosity," exclaimed Duo. "Aren't you curious?"

"No," said Wufei. "Maybe he's just having a bad day. People have bad days."

"Not like this," said Duo. "Did you see him, he was acting like a zombie!"

"And that is different how?" said Wufei, smirking a little.

"Oh, come on, Wu-chan," Duo said. "Even Heero usually says Hi and Bye to people. I mean, I know he has the social skills of a dead slug, but he just walked off and left his lunch sitting here."

"That is a little strange, I grant you," said Wufei thoughtfully. "But, I refuse to get involved with any of your hair-brained schemes, Maxwell."

" I have pictures of you getting a lap dance from a nearly naked girl at your bachelor party, and I WILL use them if necessary," said Duo, suddenly looking evilly at Wufei.

"You do NOT!" said Wufei, raising his voice.

"Oh yes I DO!" said Duo silkenly, "and she was only wearing a g-string and a smile and YOU!"

"You are loathsome," said Wufei, breathing heavily with indignation.

"Help me find out what's going on with Heero and I'll give you one of them," said Duo.

"How many do you have?" asked Wufei.

"Not telling," said Duo. "I may need your assistance on future missions."

"Blackmailer!" said Wufei, glaring at him.

"I prefer extortionist," said Duo. "It sounds more professional."

Wufei rolled his eyes in disgust.

"Okay, here's the plan," Duo said. "I'll tap his vidphone and you hack into his personal log."

"No!" said Wufei.

"Consider it intelligence gathering practice."

"It's dishonorable to spy upon a comrade," said Wufei, folding his arms.

"She had such nice boobs, Wu-chan, remember?" said Duo nastily. "You ought to, they were right there," he said making a suggestive gesture a few inches from his face.

"Unfortunately, I remember very little from that night," said Wufei. "On account of a certain ben dan I know spiking my drinks."

"Okay, I'll hack into his personal log," said Wufei, "But if he catches either of us, we will experience serious bodily harm, you know that don't you?"

"Life without risk is boring, Wu-chan," said Duo, rubbing his fingertips together.

"Life with all four limbs intact is very pleasant," said Wufei, getting up reluctantly and following Duo out of the cafeteria.

Three point 4 hours later, Duo heard a beeping in the small mic he had hidden in his ear, carefully concealed in his hair.

"Good afternoon, Relena Darlian-Yuy's office," said an overly perky voice that made Duo want to stick his finger down his throat.

"Put me through to my wife," said Heero's voice.

"Yes, right away, Mr. Yuy," said the professional chirper.

"Relena Darlian-Yuy here," said Relena's voice, sounding a tad weary.

"It's me," said Heero, "How are you?"

"What a sweet talker," thought Duo, leaning his head to one side as he listened.

"Better," said Relena. "I'm not nauseous anymore."

"Good," said Heero, "I still think you should be home."

"We already discussed that, I'm fine," said Relena, her voice sounding firm.

"I just don't want anything to go wrong," said Heero's voice.

"Geez, he actually sounds worried," said Duo under his breath.

"Nothing is wrong," said Relena. "The doctor said everything is fine, normal, Heero, quit worrying."

"Relena is sick?" thought Duo. "No wonder He-chan is acting weird."

He suddenly felt like a low sneaking spying shit heel and reached up to click off the connection when he heard..

"I can't help worrying, koishii," said Heero. "I miss you. I love you."

Duo felt like he'd just walked in on someone having sex.

"Okay, I'm officially a voyeur," he muttered, "I'm a nasty vile miserable excuse for a human being. And I'm going to keep listening." He grinned.

"Oh Heero," sighed Relena. "I wish you were here. I miss you too, honey bear."

"Honey bear?" thought Duo. "I'm gonna puke."

"Relena, please put your feet up and rest at least," said Heero.

"I will, sweetie."

"Promise me you won't work too hard," he said.

"I will, honey bear."

"Note to self," thought Duo. "Remember next time Heero gives you death glare to call him 'honey bear'."

"Take care of yourself," said Heero, "and our baby," he added.

"AH HAH!" thought Duo. He jumped up in his office and did a little dance of joy.

"Mission accomplished," he yelled, making the secretary in the outer office give him a very odd look.

Duo ripped the earpiece out of his ear, taking a few strands of hair along with it.

"Ow, goddammit" he said, rubbing his head.

He ran out of his office and down to Wufei's and walked inside.

"Duo, I can't break Heero's personal I.D code," Wufei said, shaking his head. "I've been trying all afternoon."

"No need, Spy Extraordinaire Duo Maxwell has cracked the case," crowed Duo.

"What?" asked Wufei.

"I know what's bugging Heero!" he said, doing the same little dance of joy around Wufei's desk.

"Well, what is it?" asked Wufei.

"I thought you said we should mind our own business," said Duo, archly.

"Tell me Maxwell, or I'll tell Hilde that it was YOU who hired the lap dancer," Wufei threatened him.

"Relena is enciente" said Duo mysteriously.

"Pregnant?" asked Wufei, his knowledge of French not that profound.

"Yep," said Duo. "Knocked up, preggers, in the family way, a bun in the oven."

"Ah," said Wufei. "That explains the distracted air about our Heero quite nicely."

"Must be something in the water," said Duo.

"If you believe that," mocked Wufei, "then your lack of knowledge in that area is more extensive than I had thought. You may have to explain this to your child someday, I suggest you get a book."

"It's just an expression," said Duo, irritated.

"Now we have a problem," said Wufei.

"What?" asked Duo.

"We have to pretend we don't know about Relena when we do know," said Wufei, "And if we slip up, Heero will know we've been spying on him."

"And then he will push us head first up our own respective tail pipes," finished Duo.

"No doubt," said Wufei, looking depressed.

"I have one last request," said Wufei.

"What?" asked Duo.

"Can I have those pictures before I get killed? I want Sally to remember me as a nice person."

"Okay," said Duo, plopping down on the sofa in Wufei's office.

"They're no good to a dead man."

The door to Wufei's office burst open and Heero strode in, his eyes blazing.

In his hand was a tangle of wires.

"Maxwell," he said menacingly. "Did you tap my vidphone? I recognize this piss-poor work!"

"Who me, honey bear?" asked Duo, preparing to run very quickly.

"Omae o koruso, bakayarou!" yelled Heero, as Duo ran out the other door of Wufei's office and down the hall, Heero hot on his heels.

Wufei grabbed his jacket and ran out of the door. "Personal emergency," he said to the receptionist as he ran past her desk.

He heard a scream down the hallway. "Ah, Heero not a swirly!"

"I probably won't be in tomorrow, either," said Wufei, as he ran toward the elevator.