CHAPTER TWO: Sora?!

X_X I love you people. I will write more nonsense for you now.

Ah yes, to that weird person who read "And after the game", said "DOWN WITH YAOI" and yet read the whole thing for the mindless violence...

O_o

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"Sora!"

Kairi finally stopped sobbing and whining like the love-starved teen she was and decided to build a Gummi Ship and look for Sora.

Finally.

"Sora..." Kairi muttered in concentration, as she slowly started building the ship together. She had many a blueprint, but the game kept on telling her they were too big. She resisted the urge to smack it with her wrench.

Design after design, Kairi kept on failing to make one small enough. Finally, she smacked the game with her wrench and fell on her knees, assuming a pre-death Aeris position.

And she waited.

Lo and Behold, the sky opened and many blueprints and Gummi Blocks showered down from the heavens. Kairi smiled at the high deity above that blessed her with such wonders and went back to working.

Picking the Omega design, as it was kick-ass and stuff, Kairi happily watched as the Omega ship began assembling itself. She grabbed her suitcases when a voice stopped her.

"Wait, Kairi!"

Selphie ran up, panting behind her. Selphie was wearing combat boots and had a set of blue and red sporks tied together behind her back. She, too, was carrying luggage. Kairi mumbled something that sounded oddly like 'Sora'.

"I'm your interpreter." Selphie explained briskly. "Nobody will understand you if you just walk around saying Sora."

"Sora." Kairi sadly agreed, lowering her head.

"I'll help ya out! You and me, we'll be unstoppable!" Selphie nodded, smiling more.

Without waiting for Kairi's consent, she just barged in the finished Omega ship and disappeared in one of the rooms.

"Sora!" Kairi spat. I'm sure that would have been a curse if Kairi just knew some.

~~~

"Where are we going? What are we gonna eat? Where will we stay? My feet hurt, can we stop walking a bit? You're ignoring me on purpose, aren't you?"

Ansem trailed behind Riku, asking him random questions. But all with the same purpose: TO ANNOY! BWAHAHAHAHAHA-*gets shot*

And it was working. Riku could feel those homicidal urges rising up, begging him to disembowel Ansem and wear his skin like a cloak.

Kill him... Kill him...

"Shut up." Riku whispered miserably, half to himself and half to Ansem.

"What? What did you say? I can't hear you if you don't speak louder, unless you were talking to yourself, which in that case, you are-"

KILL HIM... KILL HIM...

The voice roared in Riku's head. Riku was now contemplating this. It seemed like such a good idea! Ahh, if only he had a keyblade or a weapon of some sort to cut Ansem's head off...

The voice, realizing that Riku had no weapon, left and went to torture someone else. A gunshot was heard, so it seemed like the voice succeeded.

"Hey, kid, do you have a weapon with you?" Riku asked, stopping abruptly. Ansem slammed into his back and fell down.

"OW!"

"Because I just realized that I don't have anything to fight with, and I can't use magic... can you use magic?" Riku continued speaking, ignoring the fact he was stepping on

Ansem's leg and the poor child was screaming in pain.

"I'll take that as a no... How the hell can we defend ourselves against the Heartless?" Riku started panicking, walking away. Ansem shakily stood up and followed, drawing a Keyblade with the full intent to kill.

"I mean, no magic, no weapon... unless there are some Heartless chicks that will fall prey to my charms... rwar, Riku, you're such a stud..." Riku mumbled to himself. This fact, however, cannot be denied.

Riku turned around again, coming face-to-face with the Oblivion Keyblade.

"Hey, you found a Keyblade, squirt!" Riku cheerfully said, grabbing the Keyblade out of poor Ansem's hands. Then he realized how short it was.

"HEY!!" Ansem squeaked. "That's MY Keyblade!"

Riku looked down, amused. Ansem was reaching for the Keyblade, so Riku lowered it, then snatched it back up when Ansem was about to swipe it. This went on for several minutes.

Angry, Ansem did something very wise: Kicking Riku in the nuts.

The Keyblade clattered on the ground, followed by Riku, rolling around, grabbing his crotch in pain. Ansem leaped on the Keyblade and hugged it. Being short had it's advantages.

"You... bastard!" Riku squeaked, still in much pain.

"Nyah!" Ansem stuck out his tongue, returning the little Keyblade to it's sheath.

AWWWWWWW!! HOW CUTE!! The author hugged Ansem, then ran out and got hit by a car.

"I'm... gonna... kill... you..." Riku panted, getting up. Ansem's golden eyes widened and he ran for it, Riku chasing after him screaming many obscenities.

~~~

Sora still stubbornly stood in his one spot, leaning on the Keyblade for support. Donald and Goofy had given up on him, sleeping near a rock. Sora looked up to the heavens, as if expecting an answer.

It started raining.

"Yeah, yeah, you think it's all some big joke..." Sora muttered. His legs were on the verge of detaching themselves from his body and beating him over the head. Suddenly, Sora heard screaming from just down the road, followed by a dust cloud.

Something crashed into Sora's midsection and he was flung back three feet. Then something tripped on the first object and crashed next to Sora.

"RIKU!" Sora laughed. The interesting thing DID happen!

"What?! Where's that little prick?!" Riku was still a bit dazed, not realizing that Sora was hugging him. Many yaoi fans looked on with hope in their hearts.

Then Riku pushed Sora aside, still searching for Ansem. The yaoi fans grumbled and walked away.

"RIKU!"

"What?!" Riku snapped, annoyed. He saw an angry looking Sora glaring back at him.

"SORA!" He cheered and hugged his friend. The yaoi fans came trampling back.

While this brotherly love was being shown (Yaoi fans: NUUUUU!), Donald and Goofy were staring at Ansem, who got knocked out. The only thing they really noticed was the Keyblade stuck in it's sheath.

"Sora!" Donald called, breaking that friendly moment. "There's a kid here with a Keyblade!"

"Oh, that's Ansem..." Riku explained, forgetting that he was trying to wring the kid's next five minutes before. "He's OK, if you can get him to shut up."

Sora poked the unconscious body with his own Keyblade.

"That can't be Ansem!" Sora protested. "Ansem is taller!" He looked over the sleeping child. He did look a lot like Ansem, but there was no denying it! He was short!

"I know, but he says he's from Hollow Bastion. He also doesn't shut up unless you knock him out." Riku confirmed. Sora nodded with understanding, then he poked Ansem again.

"But... SHORT!" Sora insisted.

Donald and Goofy noticed they were deliberately being left out of the plot.

"HEY!" Donald yelled. "We're important too!"

"Duh, yeah, we helped the Keyblade master!" Goofy's voice dripped with stupidity. It annoyed Donald so much. Normally, only Cloud should be that stupid.

YES! I'M STILL MAKING FUN OF CLOUD! BWAHAHAHAHA-*gets shot*

"I suppose we'll have to drag him with us." Sora decided, a little sadly. "He DOES have a Keyblade."

"DAMN IT!" Riku cursed. Everyone looked at him. Then they laughed at Riku's misfortune. Ha ha. Loser.

Riku cried and sat in a corner, taking this time to rant angsty things about teenage life, because that's what he was supposed to do. No one cared, and Sora decided to see if Ansem was dead or not.

"Hey, kid." Sora poked Ansem with his Keyblade, expecting life to flow into the poor kid's body. And so it did.

HE LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVES! *gets shot*

Ansem put away the Magnum and stood up, blinking like nothing ever happened.

"HI!" He chirped. That permanent sugar-high came back and Ansem was bouncing around Riku, singing about the Muffin Man.

"NOOOOOOOO!!! MAKE IT STOP!!" Riku cried out miserably, drowning in more sorrow and misery. Mmmm... teenage angst... I FEED OFF IT LIKE BLOOOOOODDD!!

The author got shot again.

"Well, since everyone is alive now, we should get going..." Donald impatiently noted, then he realized he got a line. He danced with glee.

"YEAH! LET'S FIND KAIRI!" Sora cheerfully agreed, stressing out the fact that the KairiXSora canon was being upheld. Riku muttered something about killing Kairi and changing the pairing, but nothing he could do would change the author's mind.

~~~

"The First Official Bad Guy League will now start!"

And so it started.

Sephiroth gloated from his throne. He, obviously, was the most popular and loved of the FF villains, so it was only natural that he gets to be the leader. Because he's the best.

Then there was Kefka, who had an equal amount of loyal cult members, but unfortunately, he wasn't pretty enough to be given the position of leader. So he was second-in-command, plotting the leader's death. Technically, due to legal reasons, Kefka wasn't even supposed to be there, but how could you leave him out???

Then Seymour, who was almost as pretty and freaky as Sephiroth, but pathetically weak and had a gay voice. For this, he couldn't be the leader. Seymour was sad. So very sad. He insisted it's because he was a half-breed.

Ultimecia was next. Nobody knew much about her except she messed with time, so she got all the petty jobs that no one else wanted. Ultimecia said it was because she was a woman. FEMINIST! ARRRGGGHHH!!

Finally, dear sweet Kuja. Legally, he isn't supposed to be there either, and he was a freaky cross dresser. However, his prettiness rivaled Sephiroth's, so they let him in as the official mascot. Every club needed a mascot.

The bad guys were assembled around an EXPENSIVE glass table. They gloated for a bit, then waited for Sephiroth to speak.

...

Sephiroth was too busy admiring himself in the glass.

"Hem hem." Kefka coughed. The author screamed and smited Order of the Phoenix again.

"Oh yeah, the meeting... right." Sephiroth dully noted, thinking that a meeting wasn't as important as his hair. "Anyway, we're here simply to replace the Disney Villains, since they all died and Ansem is too short to join..."

...

"The purpose of this is simply to make Sora's life hell!" Kefka cackled with glee. Sephiroth shrugged. He only joined because it made him feel important.

Kuja stopped chewing his fingernails and timidly raised a hand.

"Yes?"

"Can I help??" He whined.

"No."

"BUT I WANNA HELP!!" Kuja insisted, pouting.

"NO!"

"Aw, Kef, let him help." Seymour leaned back in his chair, enjoying the fight. "He IS a good mage..."

"BUT HE'S A CROSSDRESSER!" Kefka growled.

"YOU JUST DON'T LIKE PEOPLE WHO ARE DIFFERENT!" Kuja cried. He sobbed and made a good show of looking sad and pathetic.

"Let him help." Sephiroth ordered. "He's almost as pretty as me. That's something we should respect." He went back to admiring himself in the glass again.

Kefka snorted and nodded curtly. Kuja squealed with glee and went looked at his nails with disgust. He took out a clear make-up bag and started rummaging for nail polish. Kefka snorted in disgust again.

"Ultimecia, you go find out where Sora is." Sephiroth muttered.

"WHY ME?" Ultimecia shrieked. "You always make ME do all the field work!" She crossed her arms and gave Sephiroth a glare that proclaimed her womanly

independence.

"Because I'll skewer you with Masamune if you don't." Sephiroth snarled. "Meeting adjourned."

The villains casually walked out, except for Ultimecia, who muttered more curses and stomped out, scaring the hell out of everyone else.

Sephiroth grinned to himself.

"I can make people do things!"

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I like the Official Bad Guy League. THEY STAY! And shall appear in future stories.

Kuja: Sephiroth said I'm almost as pretty as him! I FEEL SO SPECIAL!