CHAPTER FIVE: Stir-fried noodles!

Words of wisdom.

STRESS: That confusion created when one's mind overrides the body's basic

desire to choke the living shit out of some asshole who desperately needs it.

-random signature from an e-mail

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Back in the Official Bad Guy League secret base (I am not allowed to describe it in any way, for it is a secret), the villains were meeting again. However, this time, they were not seated professionally around a glass table, discussing things business-like.

Nay, the villains were in Sephiroth's bedroom. No, they were not engaging in... activities. Perverts.

Sephiroth sat on top of his bed, wearing blue pajamas that had pretty hearts and rainbows on them. He had his favorite stuffed toy, a Tonberry named Mr.Ton-Ton (*gets mauled by Cait*) on his lap.

Below him were the rest of the villains, wearing different but equally cheesy pajamas, all holding their own stuffed animal for comfort. Well, except for Kefka, he was holding a butcher knife that had what looked like dried blood on it. He claimed it was ketchup.

"Yay! Linnet is using my idea! HAHAHAHAHA!" Brenda cackled. Linnet hung her head in shame. Then she stabbed Brenda with the sharp pointy knife of stabby doom.

~~~

"Wait, wait, wait!" Rufus.exe threw down the Highlights For Children (*cough*FF7 ficreference*cough*) and strode out of the plothole, where Linnet was chasing Brenda with a sharp pointy knife.

Linnet stopped her chasing and looked at Rufus. This was a bad idea because Brenda was still running around in circles, so she went right through Linnet and fell off the edge of the plot front yard (yes, plotholes have front yards), screaming as she hurtled back into the story.

"I'LL GET YOU LINNET! AND YOUR LITTLE MUSE/PERSOCOM TOO!" Brenda screamed.

"Yesh?" Linnet blinked.

"Aren't you supposed to be a boy??" Rufus.exe asked, scratching his head in confusion. Linnet had breasts again!

"I got bored." Linnet shrugged, tossing her sharp pointy knife aside. "Besides, being a guy means I can't have PMS and blow stuff up."

~~~

ANYWAY, BEFORE RUFUS.EXE RUDELY INTERRUPTED THE STORY....

~~~

"WAIT!" Rufus.exe reached up and stuck the little story divider up. "I have another question! Are the Narrator and the Author two different people?"

~~~

Well, yes, dumbass.

~~~

"That doesn't make any sense!" Rufus frowned, still drowning in confusion. "Linnet... she writes this fic too! And you... her..."

~~~

No, see, I'm Mary. Linnet writes the fic, I narrate it.

~~~

"But... but... MARY sits at the computer and writes the fic, how can Linnet be the-"

~~~

SILENCE! YOU ARE RUINING THE STORY!

~~~

"But-"

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NO! CEASE!

~~~

"..."

~~~

That's better.

Anyway, where was I... Oh yes. The Official Bad Guy League Slumber Party...

~~~

"I WILL FIND THIS OUT! IT'S A CONSPIRACY, I TELL YOU!" Rufus.exe hissed. He ran back into the Plot Hole and started packing for his big adventure to find out the truth about The Narrator and The Author. But this can wait for another chapter.

"Hell no! People gotta learn about the truth!" Rufus.exe demanded.

~~~

NO! THE STORY IS NOT ABOUT YOU!

And with a mighty blow, the Narrator threw Rufus.exe out of the story.

~~~

"I'LL BE BACK! YOU CAN'T HIDE THE TRUTH FROM THE PUBLIC FOREVER!"

~~~

Yeah, Sure. Whatever.

The villains stared at Mary strangely.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?? GET BACK TO ACTING OUT THE PLOT, DAMMIT!

"RIGHT!" Sephiroth squeaked. He inched away from the deranged Mary person and clutched his Tonberry plushie in fear. The other villains snickered. Of course, they stopped when Sephiroth raised his Masamune.

Satisfied, Sephiroth laid the weapon down.

"Um... what are we doing here again?" Kefka grumbled, the only one seemingly unfazed by the Giant Sword of Masamuney Death. He, too, had a thing to cuddle with, however, it was a rusty butcher knife that was covered with what looked like dried blood. How disturbing.

"We are here to share beauty tips and have facials, idiot!" Sephiroth snapped at the evil clown.

Kefka blinked.

"WHAT?? YOU CALL US ALL HERE AT 11 PM IN THE NIGHT FOR A FREAKING HOME SPA?? ... Do you do nails?"

~~~

Meanwhile...

Ansem, Sora and Riku were stranded in the middle of some random highway.

Yes, Sora had done it again. He refused to move and instead stood in one spot, not moving until "the next interesting thing happened". This made Riku very stressed. See, I knew that quote in the author's note would be helpful!

"Must... not... strangle... Sora..." Riku used every ounce of self-control he had in his body not to wrap his hands around Sora's slim neck and snap it. Oh, how he would love to, but killing one of the main characters at the wrong time always ruins the fic.

Ansem sat next to Riku, who had now curled into a fetal position hoping to get hit by a car. The chibi watched with great interest.

"Riku?" Ansem poked Riku in the ribs. He was rewarded with a hissing sound. Of course, Ansem, being the semi-stupid small child he now was ("I heard that!"), giggled and poked Riku again. The hissing sound was fuunnnyy...

Riku twitched, and peeked out from under his arm and gave Ansem a death glare that rivals Sadako's. Ansem blinked and ran away from Riku screaming. But not before stealing Riku's wallet. So Riku started chasing Ansem screaming obscenities.

Then the interesting thing happened. In this section of the story. Sora cheered and whacked Ansem on the head with the Keyblade. Ansem fainted and Riku retrieved his wallet. Riku did a little dance, then was hit by a truck. Of course, he didn't die, but it still hurt.

Anyway, what the interesting thing was... A HEARTLESS APPEARED!

The Soldier Heartless started looking around, then it spotted Ansem. It danced a happy dance. A tasty small child! Small children have sugary candy hearts! Then it stopped dancing and started to run at the poor defenseless chibi.

"OH MY GOD! RIKU! IT'S GONNA EAT ANSEM!" Sora screamed, shaking Riku.

"So?"

"... ANSEM! HE'LL BE EATEN!"

"He's the King of Heartless! It won't eat him!"

"Yes it is! Look! It's gonna pull out his heart!"

"... No, it isn't."

"It's pulling it out..."

"AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!! RIKU, SORA, HELP ME, YOU FUCKING IDIOTS!!"

"OH MY GOD, SORA, YOU'RE RIGHT!"

Riku quickly searched his pockets for something to throw at the Heartless who was just about to rip Ansem's tasty sugary heart out. His gloved hand curled around a packet of cheap candy hearts, the kind with those stupid messages written on the front... how I hate those candy hearts... YOUR DAY WILL COME!

Hurling the package at the Heartless (who chased after it like a puppy dog), Riku grabbed Ansem by the hair and dragged him away to safety, or at least until the little Battle Menu in the corner of the screen changed from red to blue.

"OW! RIKU, YOU BASTARD! THAT HURTS!" Ansem cried, grabbing his little Mini-Oblivion and thwacking Riku in between the legs. Riku dropped to the ground and rolled around in pain.

Sora, on the other hand, looked appalled. Not because Ansem had hit Riku where it hurts, but because Ansem spouted serious curse words in a PG fic. Which means the rating has to be upped.

"Ansem!" Sora scolded, putting his hands on his hips. "Where did you learn that language?"

"Riku was yelling those words at me... I thought people used them when they were mad!" Ansem defended himself. Sora's accusing glare shifted from Ansem to Riku, who was still curled up in a ball of pain.

"Riku! You asshole!" Sora cursed and whacked Riku on the head with the Keyblade. Riku started screaming and tackled Sora, the two getting into a fist fights.

The yaoi fans drew closer.

"TAKE THIS! YOU BASTARD, I SAVE THE STUPID KID'S LIFE AND YOU HIT ME ON THE HEAD?" Riku screamed, throwing Sora down and kicking the boy in the gut. Sora retaliated by biting Riku on the leg.

The scuffle went on for a while while Ansem watched from the corner with the yaoi fans who were hoping that Riku would end up on top of Sora.

"Sorry, this is a Sora/Kairi fic." Ansem told them.

The yaoi fans sighed and hung their heads.

~~~

Kairi started skipping around in circles happily. Ha ha, shows those yaoi fans right!

The Kairi bashers started hissing.

Kairi meeped and hid behind Selphie, who was attempting to ask directions from a ferret with bat wings.

"Excuse me, Mr. Ferret, but do you know where we can find some actual people?" Selphie asked timidly, watching the milky white ferret scamper around a tree.

"Yeeeessss..." The ferret hissed. "Human children folloooowww.... I shooooowww..." The ferret flapped it's leathery black wings, and hovered around Selphie's head. "Come, coooome..."

Selphie shrugged. She wasn't sure if she could trust a talking ferret with black bat wings, but whatever. Selphie grabbed Kairi's arm and started pulling her along (Kairi did not leik teh ferret).

The ferret lead the girls through the dense forest, which had growth everywhere. It was impossible to make out a path, so the ferret would stop and wait for the girls to catch up. The trip went well, except for the incident where Selphie got caught in the spider web and was almost eaten by the Queen Spider.

Finally, Kairi spotted a light slowly glowing from the other end of the path.

"SORA!" She cheered. The ferret looked at the redhead oddly, but decided not to say anything. Circling around the light once, the ferret made it's place on Selphie's head.

"Um..."

"I stay with human. Forest succckkkss..." The ferret said in it's weird hissing tone.

"Fine." Selphie grumbled, not sure what the point of having a smelly ferret on her head was. "But use my head as a bathroom and I'll kill you." She threatened, brandishing her sporks.

The ferret didn't hear her, for it was sleeping.

~~~

"It's pretty obvious Linnet doesn't like writing Selphie and Kairi's parts, hm?" Sarafina commented, still petting Sirius. The black dog nodded it's head, understanding every word she said.

"So, let's do her a favor and kill them." Sarafina laughed, taking out her rod. It was no ordinary rod, though. It looked like a harmless stick with a black moon plastered on a flame with pretty ribbons coming from it, but inside was a high tech laser type device that kicked ass.

"Woof." Sirius groaned. This wasn't good.

Crouching out of site in the bushes, Sarafina attached a scope on the end of her rod and carefully aimed it at Kairi, who was still skipping along merrily. Her finger gently squeezed the trigger...

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AND I MAKE A CLIFFIE! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-*gets shot* X_x

Ansem: Dammit! WHY WON'T YOU DIE???