WALK A MILE IN MY SHOES
by Phil D. Hernández
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ACT THREE – CONCLUSION
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Dodging tiles thrown from rooftops and a cascade of barrels set loose when a villager cut the rope holding them, Rat Stew made his way toward Xena and Joxer, who stood side by side to face him, sword and rapier drawn. With a yell, Xena drew her chakram and threw it in one smooth motion. The weapon ricocheted off an arch, then severed a clothesline, dropping the wet clothing on four men. As they floundered, Xena charged, catching the chakram en route and parrying Rat Stew's first mace strike before punching him in the face.
The first man to confront Joxer was disarmed by the bard's rapier, then knocked out with a forearm smash. A second man slashed at Joxer's legs, but Joxer jumped over the sword and kicked the man in the face. Xena grabbed a spear from another man, stuck the point in the ground and used it to spin in a circle, kicking Patter's men repeatedly as she spun. The last kick knocked Rat Stew back several feet, and Xena used the time and space just gained to retrieve the spear and pole-vault out of that section of the battle. Joxer now took the spear and blocked four new attackers with it, running them into a wall.
Xena ran for the storehouse, certain now that Patter himself was heading there. She rounded the corner, calling, Gabrielle –
Gabrielle warned.
Too late, Warrior Princess, Patter announced. He still held his knife to Gabrielle's throat. Though I admit it was a clever move to post the girl as a lookout.
Let her go, Patter.
Now why should I do that, Xena? So you can fight me? Guess again. The ring is here somewhere. Maybe this dumb skirt picked it up yesterday and swallowed it, for all I know. You're gonna help me look for it.
came Gabrielle's high-pitched cry, and she stamped on Patter's foot. It was enough to cause the warlord to release her. Snatching up her staff, Gabrielle swung it two-handed into the man next to Patter, who promptly doubled over in pain. She used the confusion thus generated to move out of Patter's reach. Knowing that she could not call upon all of her Amazon training, Gabrielle concentrated on defense, making sure that none of the brigands got their hands on her staff. If they did, they could easily tear it from her feeble grasp. She would have to rely on Xena.
The Warrior Princess held her surprise in check and took full advantage of the opportunity. She used no finesse this time, simply smashing the hilt of her sword into one opponent's face, kicking a second and using a forearm blow on a third, the object being to knock them out as quickly as possible so she could reach Gabrielle and guard her. She saw Patter reverse his dagger and prepare to throw it at Gabrielle. With a prodigious leap and a cry of Xena flipped over a man, kicked him on the way down and caught the dagger millimeters from Gabrielle's face. Xena threw the dagger back, sticking it in Patter's sword hand. The warlord roared with pain. Demoralized, those of his men who could still stand started to flee, dragging their unconscious comrades with them. Xena let them go, but Patter remained defiant, holding his wounded hand.
Now Joxer appeared, slowly giving ground before Rat Stew's mace. A few brigands, wary of Joxer's rapier, followed behind the big man, but they melted away at Xena's glance. The Warrior Princess did not notice Gabrielle running at Rat Stew until it was too late, and before she could stop her, she saw Patter pick up his sword in his uninjured hand.
Gabrielle, NO! Xena shouted, lifting her chakram again.
I owe Joxer one, Gabrielle declared, and aimed a blow at Rat Stew's head. The latter raised his mace to smite her down.
Xena threw the chakram. Barely missing Gabrielle, it knocked Rat Stew's helmet off just in time for Gabrielle to connect. The chakram ricocheted off a wall, then a pole supporting a rack of pots and finally broke Patter's sword at the hilt before returning to Xena. Rat Stew fell unconscious; Patter surrendered.
*****
Because they had learned that they were searching for a ring, the three companions went through the entire storehouse once more, but once more they found nothing different. Nor did their prisoners have any rings on them. The grateful villagers willingly helped in the search, but there just didn't seem to be anything unusual or magical anywhere in the area. Back at the stables, Joxer announced that he was going to buy some meat and vegetables for their supper, and Xena checked Gabrielle's head wound again.It didn't open up, and the swelling is less. The bruises will get uglier before they get better. Xena applied another fresh compress. That was some chance you took, Gabrielle.
I'm not a dumb skirt, Gabrielle replied.
No, and you're not an Amazon either, but only a woman trained by the Amazons can make some of the moves you used. You certainly couldn't do that yesterday. Did you find the ring?
I don't think so. I didn't see a ring in my shoulder bag this morning.
Mind if I search you?
Go ahead, invited Gabrielle.
Xena did so, quickly and efficiently, but Gabrielle did not have the ring.
So much for that idea. I'm beginning to think that you are a different Gabrielle.
I don't know what to believe any more. If I have to live in this worldyou're sure Perdicas is alive?
I'm sure.
Then maybe I should go back to Poteidaia after all. The Fates are giving us a second chance.
Second chance? Xena was puzzled.
I still love Perdicas, Gabrielle explained. We only had one night together before Callisto – oh, that's right, it didn't happen that way here. Perdicas and I can get married. That's what I meant.
So you've gotten over your love for Joxer, Xena observed.
My what? I've never been in love with Joxer. Not counting when I was hit by Cupid's arrow, that is.
Gabrielle, you never were hit by Cupid's arrow. After he took the spell off Joxer, he tried to take the spell off you, but he couldn't because there wasn't any spell. You'd fallen in love for real. You cried when you found out he didn't love you. I know you never told Joxer because he still misses Lila.
Perdicas is alive, and Lila is dead, and somewhere a Joxer who loves me finally has a Gabrielle who loves him. Maybe it's for the best, Gabrielle said. She didn't sound convinced, so Xena cradled Gabrielle in her arms to comfort her. The Warrior Princess was surprised that Gabrielle snuggled in so naturally; it almost felt as though Xena were comforting Joxer.
I love you, Xena, Gabrielle whispered. Just like Joxer.
*****
When Joxer returned, laden with food, Xena was staring deeply into Gabrielle's green eyes.
We should rescue villages more often, he remarked. I get a better deal on supplies when we do. How's our Amazon warrior doing? While Joxer was kidding, he was not being sarcastic this time.
Much better, Gabrielle replied. My head isn't hurting as much as it did.
I have a surprise for you, Joxer, the Warrior Princess announced. Gabrielle has been telling the truth all along. She is an Amazon, and she's not our Gabrielle.
Joxer exclaimed.
I see it in your eyes, Gabrielle, the same light and goodness that Joxer has. The Gabrielle I know has it too, but it isn't as strong. How you're in her body I don't understand, but I'll bet that ring has something to do with it. Joxer, you're the bard. What do you know about magic rings?
Let's seethere was that ringif you rubbed it, a magic genie came out and could take you anywhere you wanted to go, Joxer said.
And there's a fable about a ring that grew as big as a village, Gabrielle offered. The people caught inside had trouble escaping, because the ring was so high and smooth.
I heard a legend about ancient rings of great power, Joxer recalled. If you put one on you became invisible, and you could shape things to your will, and minds too, and you got very wealthybut they were evil, and they were all destroyed long ago.
Then there'soh, no, it couldn't be! Gabrielle wailed.
In which case, it probably is, Xena suggested. Go on, Gabrielle.
You tell her, Joxer. It's the Ring of Cupid.
stories about wishing rings are very common. That's probably why Patter wanted it. But if it's the Ring of Cupid, it couldn't have helped him.
Why not? asked Xena.
Because it's said that only someone who is truly in love can find it and use it. He or she makes a wish, it's granted and the ring disappears. Then it shows up somewhere else when another person in love needs it.
Which explains why we didn't find the ring, Xena concluded. Somebody used it. None of us saw itbut we're not all accounted for.
I get it, Gabrielle said. Your Gabrielle is missing.
It was Joxer's turn to be puzzled. But I thought our Gabrielle was in love with Perdicas. They're betrothed. How could that make her switch with this Gabrielle?
This Gabrielle is in love with Perdicas, Xena replied. Our Gabrielle is in love with somebody else. That's not the only problem. If we accept two Gabrielles, then we have to accept that this Gabrielle was protecting her Joxer in the battle yesterday. Gabrielle, the Joxer you knowis he clumsy, boastfulsometimes obnoxious?
That's most of it, Gabrielle confirmed. He's loyal, brave when he needs to be, thinks he's a hero and I should be his sidekick, calls himself Joxer the Mighty' and wears the funniest armor and helmet.
Armor and helmet? Xena wondered. But you – I mean, Gabrielle – never wore armor. That's a big difference.
So is being a man, Joxer pointed out.
My Joxer has clothes like yours, and he used a rapier when Aphrodite put a spell on him to make him a hero.
Like my Gabrielle and her staff. No offense, but she was better than you are.
No offense taken, Gabrielle agreed. This body isn't used to fighting the way mine is.
Joxer surveyed Gabrielle. I look that bad in your world? he asked. Gabrielle glared at him.
Never insult a woman's looks, Xena advised.
Sorry. Gabrielle, if you do get back, promise me you'll make your Joxer exercise and get some sun, okay? I'll do the same with my Gabrielle. You know, she'll probably turn out as pretty as Lila was.
Gabrielle replied. Have her brush her hair more often. She indicated the bedraggled strawberry blonde ponytail. This is such a mess!
So you're both vain, Xena groaned. Let's get back on track. We have two worlds, a Gabrielle who is Joxer, a Joxer who is Gabrielletwo battlestwo rings!
And mirror images of the same wish, Joxer added.
Think, Joxer! What happened yesterday when you were with Gabrielle?
he began, we were fighting, or rather I was fighting and Gabrielle was lurching around with her staff, and she almost hit me in the stomach
I told Joxer to keep his stupid sword away from me, Gabrielle continued. He wasn't any help
Some guys dropped their loot and Gabrielle tripped over the bags
I guess he got up, because the next time I saw him he was attacking Rat Stew
He hit Gabrielle in the head with his mace
Then I got upset and I tried to kill Rat Stew, and that's when you and the villagers drove them off, Xena.
We tended to Gabrielle's wound and carried her back to the stables
I guarded Joxer while you secured the village
The next morning, Gabrielle was different.
Xena paced back and forth during the recitation, head down, hands behind her back, considering what she was hearing. Do either of you remember Gabrielle – Joxer in your case, Gabrielle – saying anything before Rat Stew knocked heroh, Tartarus, you know what I mean!
I'm supposed to remember what Gabrielle says in the middle of a battle? Joxer wondered.
I don't blame you, Gabrielle laughed, but we're both bards. It's worth a try. Let's seeI remember hearing my nameno, that's not right, he said something about me finding something
Joxer's face screwed up in thought, too. Finding out something, like
By the gods! Gabrielle exclaimed. Finding out what it would be like to be him!
That's it! Gabrielle fell over the bags, and I heard her say: I wish Joxer could find out what it's like to be me for a day!'
And now I'm here, concluded Gabrielle.
But Gabrielle switched, and I didn't! Joxer protested. I mean, I should be in this other Joxer's body and the other Joxer should be hereshouldn't he?
That's a problem, Xena agreed. Maybe you don't remember exactly what she said. All we really know is that Gabrielle made a wish and the ring Patter is looking for isn't here. Gabrielle probably found the Ring of Cupid.
Then who does she love? Joxer asked.
Gabrielle said softly.
Joxer scoffed. That's ridiculous.
No, it isn't, Xena told him. It's the truth.
You knew, Xena? Why didn't you tell me? demanded Joxer.
For the same reason Gabrielle never told you. She thought you really loved her, and when she found out you didn't, she was heartbroken. She didn't want to get hurt on top of that, the Warrior Princess explained.
You and I can be very cruel to our counterparts, Gabrielle added, her voice still subdued. Today I learned just how cruel that is.
And since Gabrielle is your sister-in-law, Xena continued, she knew it would be awkward for you. She doesn't want to take Lila's place in your heart. She just keeps hoping there's another place in your heart for her.
If she's anything like me, Gabrielle said, she would go to Hades himself and offer to trade places with Lila so you could be happy. The Joxer I knowwould do that for Perdicasand me.
It's strange, Xena thought, how both of them drop their voices – and their heads – the same way. There's a place in my heart for Gabrielle, right next to yours, Joxer. I want her back, not because I don't like you, Gabrielle, but because she belongs here, and you belong with your Xena. She needs you, just like I need Joxer by my side.
I guess that happens tomorrow, Joxer said. And we'll find out what happened to my Gabrielle and your Joxer then.
But how can you be both here and in my world? Gabrielle wondered. I'd be in both places, too.
Who knows how this wish came true? the Warrior Princess replied. That's another question we can settle tomorrow.
If tomorrow ever comes, said Gabrielle.
Oh, no, Xena moaned. I'm not doing that again!
*****
Late into the night, Gabrielle continued to study Joxer's scrolls by the light of an oil lamp.
Gabrielle, go to sleep, Xena ordered her. No matter which one of you wakes up tomorrow, you're still recovering from a head wound, and if it's my Gabrielle, she's going to be disoriented as well as weak. I'm guessing that the only reason you haven't fainted today is the power of that ring, but it can't last forever.
Just a little longer, pleaded Gabrielle, stifling a yawn. I want to learn as much about this world as possible, in case I ever come back – or it wasn't the Ring of Cupid and I wake up here again. Besides, I still have to write a note to Joxer.
Then write the note, Xena said, gently taking the scroll from Gabrielle, who did not resist her. The Warrior Princess waited patiently while the younger woman carefully crafted what she wanted to say. Just like Joxer.
Finishing, Gabrielle handed the note to Xena. Will you put it in his bag for me? she asked.
I will, promised the Warrior Princess. It's time now. She kissed Gabrielle on the cheek. I'm glad I met you.
Me, too. I hope things work out with your Gabrielle.
You'll know. It'll be the same as what you work out with your Joxer.
*****
Gabrielle woke to the sound of Joxer's loud snoring. The bard knew it meant that Joxer was exhausted, and she could guess why. Sitting up, she felt neither pain nor nausea, and when she glanced at Joxer, she saw that his head was bandaged.
I'm back, she realized. To make sure, she touched her head. There was no bandage, and her hair was loose. She collected her shoulder bag, removing her mirror and the note Xena had placed with it. Because Gabrielle knew almost to the word what the note would say, she looked at her reflection first. She grinned to see her own healthy face grinning back at her. Then she read the note. It was in Joxer's handwriting.
Gabrielle:
If what happened to me happened to you – that's what I think is going on – and you're reading the note you wrote to me, then you know this wasn't a dream and your friend Joxer made a wish on the Ring of Cupid. So did my friend Gabrielle. I thought I was just being hard on her so she could wise up. She's wiser than I was willing to admit, and so is your Joxer.Don't blow him off. He may be full of himself, but underneath is a warm, caring heart. You said so yourself in your scrolls. I also read everything you wrote about Perdicas, and I think your Joxer understands that you will always love your husband. There is plenty of room for both of them in your heart, just as there is plenty of room in mine for both Lila and my Gabrielle. Even if you don't fall in love with your Joxer, I know you'll do your best not to hurt him any more. Don't try to make him like me. He can't be you, and he shouldn't.
Think of me the next time you see Lila. Good luck! The Joxer
Have some breakfast, said Xena, offering Gabrielle a small loaf of bread. She nodded at Joxer. So which one do we have today, the real Joxer or the Joxer who's just like you?
They're both real Joxers, Gabrielle replied, and bit a hunk off the loaf.
Like that helps, Xena groused.
Knowing that it would irritate the Warrior Princess, Gabrielle took her time chewing the morsel before swallowing it.
He's our Joxer. The one who's in love with me.
And what are you going to do about that?
Accept it. When he isn't acting stupid, he's a nice guy.
He'll try your patience, Xena reminded her. He already does.
You took a chance on me. Why shouldn't I take a chance on Joxer?
Because he is Joxer. He's reliable within his limits, but those limits are very low. He isn't ready for you.
Xena, there once was a man condemned to death. He asked the king to pardon him if within a year he could teach the king's prize horse to sing. The king agreed, but said that the man was a fool, for he was only putting off his death for a year. The man replied: Many things can happen in a year. Maybe I will die. Maybe you will die. And maybe the horse will learn to sing.'
*****
Several hours later, Joxer woke up. Gabrielle was waiting for him so she could clean his wound and change the bandage. The bard eased him into a sitting position. Though he was very weak – the ring's salutary effect, necessary for Gabrielle to learn her lesson, had worn off – Joxer was excited.Hey, Gabby! I had the wildest dream! I was Xena's sidekick, and I helped her fight Patter and everything, and you wereuh, like me. I didn't like that part because I was mean to you, and –
Gabrielle kissed Joxer on the cheek. That's for trying to protect me.
You weren't dreaming, Joxer. Here, let me look at your wound.
As Gabrielle expertly tended him, Joxer continued to tell her about his supposed dream. Anyway, we solved a riddle, and you were really you, only I was like you, too, except I'm a guy, of course –
The bard kissed him on the other cheek. That's for showing me another world. Your wish came true. Now I know what it's like to be you, a little, anyway.
It wasn't a dream?
No, it wasn't.
Then you knowuh, oh!
Gabrielle cradled Joxer's face in her hands. This is because you love me, she said, and kissed him on his lips, a long, lingering kiss. Joxer fainted dead away.
Xena failed to understand her most beloved friend's behavior.
Joxer needs more rest, the bard replied.
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THE END
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Disclaimer:
The fabric of reality (whatever that is) was not harmed in the writing of this story. The Xenaverse, however, may never be the same.
Episode references:
Sins of the Past, Death in Chains, Hooves and Harlots, The Royal Couple of Thieves, Remember Nothing, Return of Callisto, Intimate Stranger, For Him the Bell Tolls, A Comedy of Eros and Been There, Done That.
Author's notes:
The Outside the Lines series explores alternate Xenaverses where the basic premises are slightly changed; in this case, Gabrielle and Joxer switch roles. Alternate worlds are a common theme in science fiction. The definitive work remains the Paratime series by H. Beam Piper, which is highly recommended. The movie It's a Wonderful Life is another example, as are two XWP episodes, the excellent Remember Nothing and the putrid When Fates Collide.
The names and Rat Stew are anagrams. It's petty, I know, but the pretensions of these two individuals destroyed the series they helped to create.
The Ring of Cupid is my own invention. The other rings are not, of course, and I hope Tolkien fans will not attempt to lynch me for referencing The Lord of the Rings. The ring with the genie comes from the Aladdin story, while the story about teaching the horse to sing is an old one as well.
Walk a Mile in My Shoes is a song reference. The original was recorded by Joe South, and was a follow-up to his hit record Games People Play.
COPYRIGHT NOTICE:
Xena: Warrior Princess, Xena, Gabrielle, Joxer and all other characters who have appeared in the series, together with the names, titles and backstory are the sole copyright property of MCA/Universal and Renaissance Pictures. No infringement of copyrights or trademarks is intended in the writing of this fan fiction. This story is © 2002 by Philip D. Hernández and is his sole property along with the story idea. The characters of Patter and Rat Stew are his own creations. This story cannot be sold or used for profit in any way. Copies of this story may be made for private use only and must include all disclaimers and copyright notices.
Comments:
Unless your sole purpose is to bash Joxer, Ted Raimi or Gabrielle-Joxer romance, your comments would be greatly appreciated. You can e-mail the author at BroadwayPhil@yahoo.com .
Additional stories:
More stories can be found on the author's website, The Subtlety of Pickett's Charge, at .
