"Law and Disorder"
STANDARD DISCLAIMER: See: Chapter 1.
Chapter 5
People who live in New York – especially the brave men and women who serve on its police force – quickly become accustomed to new things; even the most extraordinary events rapidly acquire the dullness of the commonplace when blunted with repetition.
Few people in the 27th Precinct even looked up from their desks when the distinctive sound of a materializing TARDIS filled the air. One policewoman glanced up and remarked to her partner Hey, that's a different one! but otherwise no one really paid much attention. A couple of people did wave in greeting at the man in the green frock coat who stepped out of the police box, and he returned their waves with a smile and a few quick words of greeting as he headed purposefully towards Lieutenant Van Buren's office.
"I see Eva's and the Rani's TARDISes have gone," he said as he walked into her office.
"Yep," she replied. "They took them down to the evidence locker a little bit ago."
"They're done searching them?" Van Buren snorted.
"Are you kidding me? We'll be working on searching them 'til this time next year!"
"Well, I stopped by to bring you these," the Doctor said, pulling the two main space-time elements out of his pockets. "They belong with the TARDISes as evidence, I suppose." He put them on her desk. "Just make sure no one tries reinstalling them… the results could be nasty if one pokes around underneath a TARDIS console when they don't know what they're doing."
"Thanks. I'll have them sent down to Evidence later."
"What's up, Doc?" Briscoe's voice asked. The Doctor turned to see the detective and his partner standing behind him.
"You should have a carrot in your mouth when you say that," he replied mildly. Briscoe laughed.
"How was Gallifrey?" Green asked. The Doctor shrugged.
"Haven't gone yet," he replied. "I'm to pick up Mister Parker and Eva's body at the M.E.'s office in a little bit, and I came by here to turn in the rest of the evidence to the Lieutenant." He indicated the two TARDIS components on her desk with the wave of a hand.
"You know, Lennie," Green said slowly. "One of our duties as police officers is to notify the victim's family of her murder."
"Victim's family – yeah, right. You just want to go to Gallifrey," Briscoe said knowingly. Green didn't even try to deny it.
"Well, don't you?" the younger detective shot back.
"Well… yeah," Briscoe admitted. "Maybe a little. Just so I could say I'd been there and gotten the t-shirt."
"Time Lords do not sell t-shirts," the Doctor informed Briscoe, who laughed. He saw the pleading look in Green's eyes and shook his head, sighing in resignation. "All right, gentlemen," he said briskly, "The TARDIS express nonstop to Gallfirey and surrounding systems is about to begin courtesy boarding for select members of New York's finest." As he waved goodbye to Van Buren and motioned for the two detectives to follow him to the police box, he continued nattering on in the singsong tones of an overly cheerful airport gate agent. "In order to receive our special discount, you must remain on Gallifrey for at least one Sunday night and return to Earth no earlier than two hours before your departure. Be sure to note in advance that as the Time Lords are a famously unexciting group of people, no refund will be issued in the event of your untimely demise due to boredom during your stay. Please present your boarding passes to the raving nutter in the green frock coat." He unlocked the door and swept them inside. "Welcome aboard!"
"When will the flight attendants start serving drinks?" Green asked as he stepped into the TARDIS.
"I quit drinking so I'd stop seeing stuff like I've been seeing recently!" Briscoe said, following his partner inside. The Doctor hurried over to the control console and began setting coordinates.
"We'll just drop by Elizabeth's office and pick up Andrew and Eva's body, and then we're off to Gallifrey. I suggest that you gentlemen make yourselves comfortable, because it won't be a short trip."
"But this is a time machine," Briscoe said.
"Traveling through the Time Vortex takes time, Detective. It is not instantaneous."
"Just so you have us back in time for dinner, Doc, I won't complain," Briscoe said jokingly.
"Dinner?" the Doctor asked, sounding insulted. "I'll have you back in time for lunch!" He hit a switch and the TARDIS dematerialized.
"You'll want something warm to wear," the Doctor advised his passengers a few hours before their scheduled arrival. "Gallifrey is a very cold planet by human standards. However, I think you'll find the TARDIS has a wide selection of clothing, and I'm sure you'll be able to find something suitable. Third corridor on the right, sixth, seventh and eighth doors on the left," he told them helpfully. With this advice, the three humans went off into the TARDIS in search of sweaters and jackets. When he was sure they were gone, he punched the Lady President's private call number into the communications network. After a moment, the image of a young woman with chin-length straight blonde hair appeared on the TARDIS viewscreen.
"Doctor, what a surprise!" she said, smiling warmly.
"Hello, Romana," he said, returning her smile. "You're looking very well!"
"Why thank you, Doctor. You always were quite the charmer! But I sense that this isn't a social call." He sighed.
"Perceptive as always. Eta Nu has been murdered – "
"Oh no!" she exclaimed. "How horrible. And the Eye?"
"Right here," he said, giving her a tired smile and holding up a plastic bag by its tied handles.
"Key Food?" she asked, frowning.
"Never mind. It's not important. Listen, there are a few more things you and I need to discuss before we materialize. Do you have a bit of time?"
"For you, Doctor, I have all the time in the Universe!"
Romana was waiting for them when the TARDIS materialized near the High Council chambers. She was dressed in her long white robes of office with a matching winged headdress seated on her shoulders. Her castellan, a small dark-haired woman, stood on her left side and her chancellor, a tall, imposing grey-haired man, stood on her right. The Presidential group was surrounded by an honor guard of Chancellery Guards, who snapped to attention when the door to the police box opened.
"Hello, Doctor, and welcome home," Romana said as the Time Lord stepped out, followed by the two detectives and Parker.
"Madame President," the Doctor said, giving her a little bow. "May I present my traveling companions?" As he made the introductions and she shook their hands as a human would have done, two of the guards disappeared into his TARDIS and returned with Eva's covered body on a stretcher. Upon seeing it, Parker let out a moan and released Romana's hand.
"Where… where are they taking her?" he asked Romana as they bore her body away.
"For processing, Mister Parker," she said in a kind voice. "There will be a memorial service for her later. I'm sure you'll wish to attend. Perhaps you'd like to say a few words in her memory as well." He nodded, his eyes glittering.
"Wait!" he suddenly called out, pushing through the Presidential party to hurry after the two guards and their burden. With a nod from Romana, they halted their progress. When Parker reached her stretcher, he pulled the little green box from his pocket and fumbled it open, and then pulled her left hand out from under the sheet. "You should have this, Eva," he said quietly, sliding the ring onto the third finger. It was a perfect fit. "I only wish I'd given it to you before… Goodbye, my darling. I'll never forget you." With a watery sigh, he kissed her hand and placed it back down at her side, pulling the sheet over to cover it. As the guards continued on their way, he saw the castellan and the chancellor walk off, presumably to return to their duties. He felt someone come to stand by his side.
"She was a very special person, Mister Parker," the Lady President said quietly. Though he was not a tall man, she was smaller still and had to look up to meet his eyes. "Know that all of Gallifrey mourns with you this day," she intoned formally. As though her words were a signal, the remainder of the honor guard came forward to surround them. Romana took his arm and led him away, coolly meeting the gaze of any passing Time Lord or Lady who looked in their direction, as though silently daring them to say something. None of them did.
Back by the police box, the Doctor and the two detectives had watched all of this in silence.
"Oh, good girl!" the Doctor said quietly when Romana led Parker away. "No one will dare say anything now!"
"Your Lady President has quite a flair for the dramatic gesture," Briscoe remarked.
"Yes," the Doctor agreed with a grin. "I taught her well!"
"Theta!" a new voice proclaimed. "You old rogue!" They turned to see the new arrival, a very young-looking man with black hair and dark green eyes. He hurried toward them, the elaborate sleeves of his scarlet and orange robes flapping and his large winged headdress listing back precariously on his shoulders. The Doctor peered at him for a moment.
"Zeta!" he finally said brightly. "That's a new body!"
"And about time too, don't you think?"
"Oh yes, I do," the Doctor agreed, nodding soberly.
"Well… do you like it?"
"No." Grinning hugely, Zeta invited the Doctor to perform a physically impossible sexual act upon his person, and both Time Lords broke out laughing. Briscoe and Green exchanged a look, eyebrows raised. "Good Heavens, where are my manners?" the Doctor asked rhetorically. "Zeta, meet two of New York's finest, Detective Lennie Briscoe and Detective Ed Green."
"New York's finest what?" Zeta asked with a puzzled frown.
"Police officers, Zeta," the Doctor said in a tone that suggested infinite patience. "Police officers."
"Oh, have you been arrested?" Zeta asked, not sounding very surprised. He looked at the detectives, an eager gleam in his eyes. "What's he done, stolen another TARDIS? No… you don't have TARDIS technology on Earth… hmm… has he defaced the Statue of Liberty in a unique and interesting way, perhaps?"
"Uh, no…" Green said, taken by surprise. "He didn't do anything like that, and he's not under arrest,"
"Should he be?" Briscoe asked.
"Probably," Zeta said. "Just on general principle if nothing else." The Doctor sighed.
"Gentlemen, this is Lord Zeta of the House of Starkweather of the Prydonian order. He was a few years ahead of me at the Academy."
"Let me guess," Briscoe said. "They call him 'Zete'."
"The things they call him can't be repeated in polite company," the Doctor said with a straight face.
"I wouldn't talk if I were you, Theta," the other Time Lord said. He looked at the detectives. "Did he ever tell you about the time he painted – "
"Yes, all right," the Doctor interrupted. "The detectives aren't interested in ancient history, Zeta."
"Who says?" Green asked. "Tell us about the time he painted." The Doctor sighed.
"I have a feeling that I'm going to regret bringing the two of you here."
"Probably," Briscoe agreed. "Zete, what'd he paint?" The young-looking Time Lord grinned.
"He painted – " and here Zeta said a long phrase in the musical Gallifreyan tongue " – on the front wall of the Prydonian Academy!"
"And what's that mean?" Green asked. Zeta's eyebrows came together in thought.
"Um… I think it may be untranslatable to a species that does not regenerate… it takes masturbation to a whole different level. It's quite a filthy concept, and a very rude thing to say about the dean of one's college!"
"You know," Briscoe said, grinning hugely and clapping the Doctor on the shoulder, "The more I get to know this guy, the better I like him!"
"Did you get caught?" Green asked the Doctor, who merely smiled.
"Everyone knew he'd done it," Zeta said. "But no one could prove it."
"And why you keep repeating the rumor that I was the culprit is beyond me, Zeta," the Doctor said with mock indignation.
"By the way, where is the lovely Miss Jovanka?" Zeta asked. "Does she still travel with you?" The Doctor shook his head. "A pity. I would have liked to have seen her again in this body; I'm afraid I wasn't much fun in my last incarnation."
"You appear to be making up for lost time in this one," the Doctor said dryly, reaching out to re-seat his friend's headdress, which had continued listing dangerously during their conversation and now threatened to fall backwards off his shoulders. "You look like you've just come from a frat party."
"No one dressed like him at the frat parties I went to," Green said with a smile.
"Not even on Halloween?" Briscoe asked.
"Oh, I almost forgot," Zeta said, reaching into his robes and pulling out something that looked like a small blue pamphlet. "I've been studying New York law since I heard that you made the streets of Earth safe from our latest criminal element." He held out the blue pamphlet to the two detectives. "Please give that to Mister McCoy with my compliments."
"What is it?" Briscoe asked curiously. Zeta gave him a determined smile.
"It is a motion to extradite the Rani back to Gallifrey, to stand trial here for her murder of a citizen of this planet – along with her various other crimes, of course."
"If I know Jack, he'll say the murder was committed in his jurisdiction and that you people can have what's left when he's done with her," Briscoe said, pocketing the motion.
"A man after my own hearts," Zeta said. The Doctor frowned.
"You're on the other side of the courtroom now, are you Zeta?" he asked.
"Yes, I've joined the Council's prosecution team. Got tired of defending people who were obviously guilty."
"I think you and Jack will get along just fine when all this is over," Green said with a grin. Suddenly, they saw Romana approaching from the direction of the High Council chambers. She had shed her elaborate robes and was dressed in a long pink dress with small white flowers printed around the edge of the neckline.
"Doctor, do you have some spare time to discuss that matter you brought up during our last conversation?" She glanced at the others. "If it's convenient."
"Of course," he replied at once. "Zeta, would you… oh dear, I'm going to regret this… would you be so kind as to entertain the detectives in my absence?"
"Nothing would please me more!" he replied with enormous sincerity, linking arms with Briscoe and Green. As he led them off, the Doctor heard him say, "Did Theta ever tell you about the time he 'borrowed' the Patrexes' Great Seal and relocated it to – " The Doctor groaned.
"You've got quite a reputation from your Academy days," Romana noted with a smile. "Not entirely undeserved, I might add."
"Let's talk about something else," the Doctor suggested, offering her his arm. "What's this I've read about a new looming technique?" She laughed.
"Trying to change the subject, I see," she said, nodding. "A clever ploy. All right, I'll allow it," she said magnanimously.
"I understand you're weaving memories and knowledge in with the genes."
"That's right. It's all still very experimental. I didn't know you kept up with our genetic engineering program."
"I'm no expert by any means, but I do like to attempt to keep my hand in," he admitted. "You never know when a piece of information might turn out to be useful."
They were at a bar.
It was dark.
Zeta and Green were very drunk; Zeta was wearing Green's suit jacket over his scarlet and orange robes, and Green was wearing Zeta's Prydonian headdress and making friends with everyone in the bar.
"Naw, man… humans don't regenerate," Green was telling a Time Lord that Zeta didn't know. "If we did, do you think Lennie'd look like that?" he continued, pointing at Briscoe.
"Kush meer in toches," Briscoe told him good-naturedly.
"Wait a minute," Zeta said with a frown. "I've heard that before! Where… oh yes, now I remember. Theta's mother used to say that quite often!"
"Yeah, I bet she did," Briscoe agreed.
"No one ever figured out what it meant," Zeta said. Briscoe smirked and took a sip of his drink, a hot beverage that he'd been told was the Time Lord equivalent of coffee and was approximately 300% caffeine. It was bitter, but he'd had worse in the squad room.
"Having fun?" the Doctor's voice asked; Briscoe only just managed not to jump.
"He is," the detective replied without turning around, pointing at Green. "Your pal Zete managed to convince him that since it's night here, he's off duty."
"Oh dear," the Doctor said, frowning. "Well, we'd better get him back to the TARDIS."
"Van Buren'll skin him alive if he comes back in this shape," Briscoe said.
"Don't worry, I've got some alcohol dispersion pads that will sober him up right away. Your lieutenant doesn't even have to know about this." He handed Briscoe a paper sack. "These are for you and Detective Green. A present from Romana."
"What is it?" Green asked, suddenly appearing at his partner's side, a very drunk Zeta hovering close behind. Briscoe opened the sack and pulled out a white garment, holding it up to inspect it.
"It's a t-shirt!" Briscoe said, grinning. "What's it say?" Zeta squinted at the Gallifreyan text, shaking his head.
"I don't get it," he finally admitted.
"There's one in there for Detective Green as well. Romana had them made up to my specificatons," the Doctor told them with a grin, "and they say, 'I went to Gallifrey and all I got was this lousy t-shirt!'"
No one in the 27th Precinct paid a bit of attention when the police box materialized in the middle of the squad room.
"It's late afternoon!" Briscoe said, clutching his paper sack and stepping out of the TARDIS.
"So?" asked the Doctor, following close behind.
"You said you'd have us back before lunch, remember?" The Doctor's eyebrows went up.
"I believe the phrase is, 'kush meer in toches,'" he said with a completely straight face. Briscoe burst out laughing as Van Buren walked up to them.
"I'm glad you're having a good time," the lieutenant said sarcastically. She frowned. "What the hell is that thing, Detective?" This last was said to Green, who had just emerged from the police box still wearing Zeta's headdress.
"Um, a souvenir," he muttered, pulling the headdress off and tossing it on his desk.
"Hmph. While you two have been off gallivanting around the universe, the Rani died in her cell."
"What?" Briscoe asked. "How?" Van Buren shrugged.
"No one knows yet," she said. "But Rodgers said it looks like natural causes."
"She's done an autopsy?" the Doctor asked.
"Not yet."
"We've got to get down there," the Time Lord said urgently. "She'll regenerate! Elizabeth isn't safe!"
They found Doctor Rodgers lying on the autopsy table. The Doctor quickly determined that she was alive but unconscious.
"Quite a nasty bump on the head," he murmured, running a finger over the back of Rodgers's skull. He shook her gently. "Elizabeth… Elizabeth… wake up!" She groaned, one hand coming up to rub her forehead. The Doctor picked her up and carried her to a chair, sitting her upright.
"Why'd you move her?" Green asked.
"Because waking up on her own autopsy table might give her a bit of a nasty start," he said reasonably.
"Good thinking," Briscoe said. He noticed that one of the refrigeration units was standing open, and went to investigate.
"What happened?" Rodgers asked blearily. "I was getting ready to start an autopsy when…" She shook her head. "I can't remember."
"It looks like someone hit you from behind," the Doctor told her.
"Who was in here?" Briscoe asked. Rodgers turned to look at the empty refrigeration unit.
"The Rani," she said. "I was going to do her next."
"You would have had an even nastier surprise if you had," the Doctor said quietly. "She wasn't really dead."
"Oh no… I've seen plenty of dead people in my time, Doctor," Rodgers told him. "She was good and dead, trust me. No pulse, no heart sounds, no breathing."
"We were all taught to stop our hearts at the Academy," the Doctor said with a shrug. "And with a respiratory bypass system, she wouldn't need to breathe… at least not for an hour or so."
"But she was cold, Doctor," Rodgers said. "I'm sure she was dead." He reached out and laid his hand on her cheek, and she flinched back in surprise.
"You see, I'm cold by your standards too," he said. "And I assure you, I'm very much alive."
"I'm putting out an APB on the Rani," Green said, picking up a phone.
"I suppose it couldn't hurt," the Doctor said with a shrug.
"She can't get far," Green said. "Not without her TARDIS… right?"
"You're right," the Doctor admitted. "But she could regenerate… completely change her appearance. That's what I'd do in her place, anyway."
"So now we're looking for someone who could look like anyone," Briscoe said, throwing his hands up in the air.
"I'm afraid so," the Doctor agreed.
"I give up," Green said morosely.
Concluded in Chapter 6
