YOU MAY BOW
by Phil D. Hernández
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ACT TWO
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Joxer looked the Warrior Princess in the eye, but there was no condescension in her words. She spoke to him as to an equal, something she rarely did, and it calmed him down.
he said seriously. Before I met you and Gabrielle, everybody pushed me around like I was worse than dirt. Even you guys push me around sometimes.
We do, Xena admitted. There isn't always time to be nice, especially when you're full of yourself. And don't deny it. But I meant it when I said you have a good heart. You want to help, and you have helped. Like when you tried to rescue me and Gabrielle from Callisto.
So why did you have me guard a dock that didn't need guarding? Joxer snapped.
So you wouldn't be killed. The warlords who came here with me and Ares are dead. You wouldn't have survived the crossing. But you did help me convince them that I was Callisto.
Xena didn't bring me here either, Gabrielle added in support of her best friend, and for the same reason.
The power you hold is too great for mortals. I couldn't handle it, the Warrior Princess continued. I couldn't handle even ordinary power. It starts when you think you're helping your friends, but you end up hurting everybody. I don't want to see that good heart of yours poisoned with anger and bloodlust.
Aw, Xena, I could be a good god, suggested Joxer. I'll prove it to you. I'll get you your body back.
No, DON'T! Gabrielle cried out, but too late. Joxer raised a hand in the air. Light was drawn to it, and when the glow became too bright for human eyes to bear, he released the light. It filled the tunnel as though a miniature sun had been brought there, then faded.
The three mortals blinked a few times to clear their vision. Xena's body was not there. They looked at each other, then down at themselves. Two of them raised their heads slowly, expressions of horror starting to spread on their faces. The third was in Callisto's body, but there was no horror, no surprise, and no madness in the brown eyes.
Nope, no change, Xena said.
That's what you think, came a masculine growl full of overtones of frustration. The well-muscled man with flowing black hair to match his flowing muscles charged Joxer. I'm gonna KILL him!
The other woman began to whimper. It's bad enough to have to listen to the irritating blonde, but to be the irritating blonde?
Joxer had caused Gabrielle and Ares to switch bodies.
Knowing that physical attacks were futile, Xena caught Gabrielle by the shoulder and held her (or was it him?) back. Joxer, give Ares back his sword, the Warrior Princess said in an even voice stripped of emotion.
No, wait, he replied, holding up his hands in dismay. I can get this right. The light flashed again.
This time, three women glared at Joxer when their sight cleared. Xena's body at least was back, but there was a softness behind the steel-blue eyes. He pointed at her.
No kidding, said the bard in Xena's body.
The finger slowly moved until it was pointing at Gabrielle's body.
declared Joxer. He pushed his lower lip against the upper, showing his own frustration.
Now will you listen to me? Xena asked, exasperated. That had better not be Callisto back in her body.
It isn't, the third woman, who was Ares, sighed. From one irritating blonde to the other. At least this is a fighting woman's body.
And what's that supposed to mean? Gabrielle snapped.
Give it a rest, Gabrielle, said Xena. She turned to look at Joxer again, and she did not like the goofy smile he was beginning to make. Don't even think it, Joxer.
Too late. The smile became a smirk. I already did. Hey, I'd love to have you three lovely ladies be the first in my harem, but it wouldn't be right. I mean, Xena, you look great, but you're not my – I'm not your type. Gabbyyou're not that type. As for you, Aresyecch. Too weird. I'm a god. I should have goddesses all over me, like Aphrodite.
Ares folded his (her?) hands over his midriff to keep from doubling over with laughter.
Forget it, Xena advised. Even if Aphrodite were interested, which I doubt, you'd only be a cheap fling for her.
And Hephaestus can be very jealous, Ares added, catching fitful breaths amid her (his?) mirth. I ought to know. He chained me up with Aphrodite in bed once.
Joxer mused.
Gabrielle said through gritted teeth, give Ares the sword so we can get this over with!
I have to get it right first, the new God of War insisted. You expect me to screw up, don't you? Well, I'm not gonna screw up!
You've screwed up twice already, Xena pointed out.
That's because I'm still thinking like a mortal. I have to think like the new Joxer.
Whatever that is, Ares muttered.
I heard that, Joxer said.
Then think, Xena told him. You don't have to prove your friendship. There's no reason for you to show off by giving us our bodies back. It's as easy as giving Ares the sword. He'll do the rest.
What if he doesn't? He swapped you with Callisto in the first place, the would-be God of War reminded her. You were gonna fry in Tartarus while she killed Argo, and destroyed Gabby, and the gods know what else! Maybe you'd rather trust Ares than me, but I won't trust him.
Xena had no answer to that. Joxer was right. Ares was untrustworthy.
I trust you, Gabrielle said unexpectedly. She had figured it out: Joxer needed to prove himself to himself, and he had to do it by himself. You said you had a feel for me and Xena. Use that, she suggested.
What about me? Ares complained.
Live with it, Joxer replied.
Give him his body back, the bard said. I don't want to be reminded of Callisto any more.
Joxer's humanity was still strong. He and Gabrielle may have fought the way rival siblings do, but they had never been malicious about it. And as with rival siblings, Joxer took personally any hurt to Gabrielle. When Callisto murdered Gabrielle's husband Perdicas, Joxer swore vengeance. Joxer's vengeance was not something to fear, but the fact that he would use such small skills as he possessed on Gabrielle's behalf had earned him Gabrielle's friendship – and Xena's, too.
Okay, Gabrielle. Let me focus. Joxer closed his eyes, but did not scrunch his face the way he usually did when thinking hard. Instead, he was calm, almost serene.
Xena cocked her head, the long strawberry blonde tresses – Gabrielle's, of course – falling over one breast. She felt the probing mental force and allowed herself a tight smile. Having been in other bodies the longest, the Warrior Princess was beginning to recognize the sensations that led to a change. Though her mind screamed within her to try and stop Joxer, her instincts told her to follow Gabrielle's lead.
That same force, now that Gabrielle had time to think about it, made the bard feel uncomfortable. It was too intimate for her. The only person she wanted to be that intimate with was Perdicas. She had come to terms with his death and would go on with her life, but she still missed him badly. There was no threat in Joxer's probe, however. Gabrielle quickly realized that it was the equivalent of a blind sculptor touching her so he could reproduce her accurately.
Ares endured the experience with a sour look on Callisto's heart-shaped face. He, at least, could get some satisfaction in the thought that Joxer liked it less than he did.
Still concentrating, Joxer raised his hands above his head and spread out his fingers. Once more the glow appeared, jumping from fingertip to fingertip, but it wasn't it wasn't as flashy or as blinding as before. When it was over, the bodies that stood before him were those of Xena, Gabrielle and Ares. Joxer opened his eyes and nodded in satisfaction.
Gabrielle patted her bare midriff and smiled. I knew you could do it, she said.
About time, Ares snarled. Now give me my sword.
Xena said.
the former God of War screamed. After you told him
The smile drained from Gabrielle's face. Was that Callisto in Xena's body?
Xena continued, you swear, Ares, that you will not punish Joxer for what happened to you today. Then you get your sword back.
I'm not giving up the sword, Joxer denied.
And I'm not swearing anything, Ares said.
You swear by the River Styx, or stay a mortal and rot, Xena declared.
Now Gabrielle could relax. Callisto couldn't care less about what happened to Joxer, but Xena wasn't that sort even when giving Joxer the brush-off.
Ares set his mouth in a line and stared into Xena's eyes. It availed him naught. As a god he could not stare down Xena; as a mortal – he broke off first.
I swear before Zeus and the other gods, with the River Styx as my witness, that I will not do anything to Joxer for claiming my sword, switching my body around or otherwise treating me badly, swore Ares.
Or for spanking you, Xena added.
The look on his face could have curdled water. Or for spanking me, Ares amended. Now Joxer was safe. The gods themselves did not dare to break an oath sworn on the Styx.
I'm still not giving up the sword, Joxer said. I'm not going back to what I was!
Then you'll lose the best part of who you are, Xena replied. As the God of War, you can't care about who gets hurt and who dies. You can't have any friends. You'll use people as pawns, just like Ares does. Like Callisto did to Gabrielle.
Joxer's gaze shifted back to the bard. Again he probed her, and again Gabrielle displayed considerable discomfort. He was looking into places that even she did not want to visit. Acknowledging her unhappy expression, Joxer nodded but continued his examination. Since Gabrielle had already declared that she trusted him, she gave him the benefit of the doubt. Joxer did not disappoint her.
You're a fool, Ares, he told him. All you ever see in Gabrielle is a silly little peasant girl. Even the old me knew better. She's smart, she's resourceful, and she's tougher than she knows. Xena's letting Gabrielle live to her full potential. That's bad for you, but by the time you figure out why, she'll be as good as Xena and you'll never beat her.
Being a god hasn't made you any smarter, Ares sneered, but both the Warrior Princess and the bard looked at Joxer with new respect.
The former would-be warrior shrugged off the snide remark. Gabby, even as a god I'm not good enough for you, but you don't need a boyfriend right now. What I really want to do is to go to Hades and trade this creep for Perdicas. Joxer jerked a thumb at Ares, who turned white with sudden fear. But it wouldn't stop there.
No, it wouldn't, Gabrielle replied in a soft, subdued voice.
Before I give Ares his sword back, I want you to promise that if anything ever happens to Xena, you won't turn into a monster.
The bard was taken aback. She had made Xena make a similar promise not so long ago. Joxer, how can youI promise, Gabrielle agreed.
Joxer said. Taking the sword, he reversed it and presented the hilts to Ares. The latter grabbed for it as greedily as a baby might grab a piece of candy.
And you called me the fool? Ares crowed. He lifted the sword high and felt the red glow of power flow into him. At the same time, Joxer and his equipment resumed their normal appearance. What kind of mortal gives up godhead?
The best kind, Xena answered.
Being a mortal hasn't made you any smarter, Gabrielle observed. Didn't you learn anything, Ares?
pain, fear, hunger, thirst, seasicknessyou can keep it.
What about happiness and friendship? Joxer asked.
Or love and peace? Gabrielle added.
The only true peace is in the grave, Ares replied. Love? Aphrodite's a great roll in the hay, I'll admit, but love will never rule the world.
Xena shook her head. You'd be surprised. I guess you've dished out too much suffering to take it.
That's the reason Joxer gave the sword back, Gabrielle said. He's been hurt too many times. He won't hurt others.
He's a loser, the God of War sneered. You two deserve each other. With that, he waved his hand in dismissal. Electricity rimmed his figure, and when it faded he was gone.
Joxer sat down heavily on a rock and hung his head. I know I did the right thing, so why do I feel so miserable?
Because for the first time in your life, nobody could push you around, Xena told him, and you think you've lost that.
Gabrielle put a hand on Joxer's shoulder. You're not a loser. You never were. So what if you're not a mighty warrior? When you put your life on the line, that made you good enough for me.
The would-be warrior looked up in surprise. But Perdicas
I will always love Perdicas and I will always miss him. Like you said, I don't need a boyfriend now, but I'll always need friends like you and Xena. The smile on Gabrielle's face broadened into a grin. The happy memories of her late husband returned, comforting her even as she comforted Joxer. Perdicas grew up, you know. If you do, Joxer She suddenly blushed and fell silent.
What Gabrielle means, Xena explained, is when she does want a boyfriend she won't forget the man who was willing to go to Hades and bring Perdicas back.
Gabrielle blushed even redder. So did Joxer.
I don't know about you, the Warrior Princess said, but I'd like to get out of these tunnels and into a hot bath. Come on, Gabrielle, let's find that boat of yours.
*****
Later, when they were walking along the beach and Joxer pushed past them to run toward the boat, Xena gave Gabrielle a quizzical look.
Are you sure you wanted to encourage him like that? the Warrior Princess asked.
I'm sure. Whatever happens, I want Joxer to live up to his full potential, too. I remember you took a chance on a silly little peasant girl once.
Which I will never, ever regret, Xena said.
Arms around each other's waists, they continued on, chuckling every time Joxer tripped and fell in the sand and surf. Someday he would learn to look where he was going, but today it didn't matter.
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THE END
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Disclaimer:
No buttocks were harmed in the writing of this story. Ares's pride, however, took a serious hit.
Episode references:
Return of Callisto, Intimate Stranger and Ten Little Warlords.
Author's notes:
The penalty for breaking an oath sworn on the Styx was quite severe for a god: effectively ten years incommunicado and in solitary confinement, followed by another ten-year exile from Olympus. None of the gods ever broke such an oath.
Aphrodite did cheat on Hephaestus by sleeping with Ares. Hephaestus made an unbreakable net, announced that he was going to one of his forges, returned to Olympus and set off the net trap when Aphrodite and Ares were in bed together. Only he could release them, which he did after Apollo and Hermes started to tease Hephaestus by suggesting that each would willingly take Ares's place.
This story won the Golden Quill Award for Best Comedy of 2002-2003. (The Golden Quill Awards are for stories that feature Joxer or are at least friendly to him. Visit Yahoo! Groups for more details.)
COPYRIGHT NOTICE:
Xena: Warrior Princess, Xena, Gabrielle, Joxer and all other characters who have appeared in the series, together with the names, titles and backstory are the sole copyright property of USA Network and Renaissance Pictures. Settings and dialogue from Ten Little Warlords are © 1996 by Universal Pictures and Renaissance Pictures. No infringement of copyrights or trademarks is intended in the writing of this fan fiction. This story is copyright © 2003 by Philip D. Hernández and is his sole property along with the story idea. This story cannot be sold or used for profit in any way. Copies of this story may be made for private use only and must include all disclaimers and copyright notices.
Comments:
Unless your sole purpose is to bash Joxer, Ted Raimi or Gabrielle-Joxer romance, your comments would be greatly appreciated. You can e-mail the author at BroadwayPhil@yahoo.com .
Additional stories:
More stories can be found on the author's website, The Subtlety of Pickett's Charge, at .
