~~~~~
Emma's POV
~~~~~
I watch him, and I ache with him, and he just lies there on his bed with his hand clutched around a simple yet beautiful ring. He doesn't even see that I'm standing here, too awkward, too nervous, to venture into his room and intrude upon his thoughts. I wonder if he never gave it to her, or if she gave it back.
His pain drew me here, but it might be best if I just return to my room before his emotions can suck me in. I should be meditating to clear my mind of all outside thoughts, yet I can't. I'm stuck nastily like chewing gum to the bottom of somebody's shoe.
Is he thinking about her? Does he mourn her loss as much as he grieves for Adam? I don't think I could stand it if he does. How can he miss the devil who seduced and betrayed him? Betrayed us.
Adam is dead because he loved her. I want to be upset with Jesse for this. It was stupid and selfish of him to risk everything for her. It wasn't all his to risk!
I mean, just damn it all to hell! But even swearing doesn't help, doesn't make me feel any better. I guess that's why I don't often curse, it's doesn't do any good. Adam is dead. Nothing will change that, and I can't get over it.
Adam is dead.
And Jesse is holding her ring. It's sickly symbolic as it rests in his palm while the ring that bound him to Mutant X is absent from his finger. He traded it all for her. I don't know if he realizes it yet, but he did.
Sure, we all cried earlier - we wept during the almost surreal trip home. We shed our tears then for Adam, and we were a family one last time. But the absence of emotion from Brennan was disconcerting. He put the Helix on autopilot, and then he did the same with himself. He helped us dry Jesse enough for him to be able to zap the offensive governor, but he never really touched or looked at any of us - he was like a stranger all of a sudden, like he didn't belong there with us while we mourned. I know he felt it all, but he didn't show any of it for more than a few brief seconds here and there, and that was the straw I think broke us. And now Shalimar has left Jesse's side. And here I remain, afraid to knock on his doorframe.
What kind of family are we that we offer Jesse no comfort? Can we ever learn to sanction his choice? Can we bring him back into the fold now that he's shattered it, now that we know we came second to him?
But we aren't really, never were. Jesse never meant to hurt us, and I do know that, we all do, but still it's... I dunno what it is. It just aches. It hurts that Jesse did this, and now he cries not only for us but also for her.
How can I blame him? I can't fault him when I've done the same. I'm guilty of walking the same path. I risked seeking out an old friendship with Michelle after she'd turned to the GSA. I didn't care.
I can tell myself that it's different. I knew Michelle before. And on some level, I'm convinced that before and after do matter. It was different before this war. She was my friend before it all, so why wouldn't that last into the after?
But with Jesse... He didn't know this girl who captured his heart. She was the enemy when they met. What made him think he could redeem her? I'd hate him for it, but then I'd be hating Jesse for being Jesse.
I can't stand it that he misses her. And yet, I couldn't bear it if he didn't still love her. She broke his heart, and right now it probably seems like she ruined his life, but even though he can never take her back, I know he can someday forgive her. And I know he'll always love her, because his compassion extends even to the fallen. He just always cares.
I'd be upset either way. I don't want him to love her after what she did, but he wouldn't be Jesse if he didn't still feel something for the person he'd wanted to marry. So damned if you do and damned if you don't, Jess. Sorry.
But he does love her - I feel it. Not all his tears are being shed for Adam. He's crying for her also, and she isn't even dead. And he's not crying for himself because she broke his heart - he's crying *for her,* because she's like an angel with broken wings. He's crying for her because she chose the wrong side, and somewhere down the road, she'll be made to pay for that decision.
Jesse is so weak, but so special, because of that. No matter what, he tries to see the good in people. Maybe with Adam's death, he'll become more guarded and less trusting. He'll harden his heart so that people can no longer walk all over him. He'll be strong, and he won't be stepped on. But I pray he doesn't close himself too very much, because I would miss his innocence in the way he views the world. He's often been hurt, but he always heals. So hopefully he won't turn his heart to stone because of this.
But he literally does. His gentle touch becomes rock as he masses and crushes the small ring within his hand. Then he shifts back to normal and drops the deformed piece of silver onto the sheet beside him. And his body shakes with silent sobbing.
I actually hope his heart is broken, because if it's frozen instead, then it's not only Adam that I've lost today but Jesse as well.
I can't read his thoughts. I only feel what he feels. I only know that it hurts. And it's good that he cries. In my experience, sorrow fades yet anger lingers. He can heal more easily from sadness. Although I ache to see him sobbing.
Just because you didn't get married, Jess, that doesn't mean you'll never have a normal life. I know how you feel right now, but you're not a freak. Or maybe you are, but I now admit that I am too. And is it really so bad?
He *is* different, and not like everybody else. That's why he's so special. That's why I love him.
Once more I contemplate entering, to tell him this, and yet I don't. He needs time to sort things out on his own. So I wander back to my own room where I also lie myself down across my mattress and cry. But I don't cry for Jesse. I have to believe that he will heal. I have faith that he'll be okay. In time.
So instead, I cry for Adam. And I cry for Brennan who never wanted to take his place.
-----
Next up, Brennan's thoughts (which will be the final chapter).
To those of you who've asked about NoS, I'm not writing this story because I've given up on that one. I'm writing this in an attempt to get over my writer's block and get myself back into the mood where I can continue it.
Also, feel free to e-mail me or leave a review. Feed the muse! Comments make me think, and when I think, I usually end up writing. So thank you to those of you who send feedback - much appreciated.
Emma's POV
~~~~~
I watch him, and I ache with him, and he just lies there on his bed with his hand clutched around a simple yet beautiful ring. He doesn't even see that I'm standing here, too awkward, too nervous, to venture into his room and intrude upon his thoughts. I wonder if he never gave it to her, or if she gave it back.
His pain drew me here, but it might be best if I just return to my room before his emotions can suck me in. I should be meditating to clear my mind of all outside thoughts, yet I can't. I'm stuck nastily like chewing gum to the bottom of somebody's shoe.
Is he thinking about her? Does he mourn her loss as much as he grieves for Adam? I don't think I could stand it if he does. How can he miss the devil who seduced and betrayed him? Betrayed us.
Adam is dead because he loved her. I want to be upset with Jesse for this. It was stupid and selfish of him to risk everything for her. It wasn't all his to risk!
I mean, just damn it all to hell! But even swearing doesn't help, doesn't make me feel any better. I guess that's why I don't often curse, it's doesn't do any good. Adam is dead. Nothing will change that, and I can't get over it.
Adam is dead.
And Jesse is holding her ring. It's sickly symbolic as it rests in his palm while the ring that bound him to Mutant X is absent from his finger. He traded it all for her. I don't know if he realizes it yet, but he did.
Sure, we all cried earlier - we wept during the almost surreal trip home. We shed our tears then for Adam, and we were a family one last time. But the absence of emotion from Brennan was disconcerting. He put the Helix on autopilot, and then he did the same with himself. He helped us dry Jesse enough for him to be able to zap the offensive governor, but he never really touched or looked at any of us - he was like a stranger all of a sudden, like he didn't belong there with us while we mourned. I know he felt it all, but he didn't show any of it for more than a few brief seconds here and there, and that was the straw I think broke us. And now Shalimar has left Jesse's side. And here I remain, afraid to knock on his doorframe.
What kind of family are we that we offer Jesse no comfort? Can we ever learn to sanction his choice? Can we bring him back into the fold now that he's shattered it, now that we know we came second to him?
But we aren't really, never were. Jesse never meant to hurt us, and I do know that, we all do, but still it's... I dunno what it is. It just aches. It hurts that Jesse did this, and now he cries not only for us but also for her.
How can I blame him? I can't fault him when I've done the same. I'm guilty of walking the same path. I risked seeking out an old friendship with Michelle after she'd turned to the GSA. I didn't care.
I can tell myself that it's different. I knew Michelle before. And on some level, I'm convinced that before and after do matter. It was different before this war. She was my friend before it all, so why wouldn't that last into the after?
But with Jesse... He didn't know this girl who captured his heart. She was the enemy when they met. What made him think he could redeem her? I'd hate him for it, but then I'd be hating Jesse for being Jesse.
I can't stand it that he misses her. And yet, I couldn't bear it if he didn't still love her. She broke his heart, and right now it probably seems like she ruined his life, but even though he can never take her back, I know he can someday forgive her. And I know he'll always love her, because his compassion extends even to the fallen. He just always cares.
I'd be upset either way. I don't want him to love her after what she did, but he wouldn't be Jesse if he didn't still feel something for the person he'd wanted to marry. So damned if you do and damned if you don't, Jess. Sorry.
But he does love her - I feel it. Not all his tears are being shed for Adam. He's crying for her also, and she isn't even dead. And he's not crying for himself because she broke his heart - he's crying *for her,* because she's like an angel with broken wings. He's crying for her because she chose the wrong side, and somewhere down the road, she'll be made to pay for that decision.
Jesse is so weak, but so special, because of that. No matter what, he tries to see the good in people. Maybe with Adam's death, he'll become more guarded and less trusting. He'll harden his heart so that people can no longer walk all over him. He'll be strong, and he won't be stepped on. But I pray he doesn't close himself too very much, because I would miss his innocence in the way he views the world. He's often been hurt, but he always heals. So hopefully he won't turn his heart to stone because of this.
But he literally does. His gentle touch becomes rock as he masses and crushes the small ring within his hand. Then he shifts back to normal and drops the deformed piece of silver onto the sheet beside him. And his body shakes with silent sobbing.
I actually hope his heart is broken, because if it's frozen instead, then it's not only Adam that I've lost today but Jesse as well.
I can't read his thoughts. I only feel what he feels. I only know that it hurts. And it's good that he cries. In my experience, sorrow fades yet anger lingers. He can heal more easily from sadness. Although I ache to see him sobbing.
Just because you didn't get married, Jess, that doesn't mean you'll never have a normal life. I know how you feel right now, but you're not a freak. Or maybe you are, but I now admit that I am too. And is it really so bad?
He *is* different, and not like everybody else. That's why he's so special. That's why I love him.
Once more I contemplate entering, to tell him this, and yet I don't. He needs time to sort things out on his own. So I wander back to my own room where I also lie myself down across my mattress and cry. But I don't cry for Jesse. I have to believe that he will heal. I have faith that he'll be okay. In time.
So instead, I cry for Adam. And I cry for Brennan who never wanted to take his place.
-----
Next up, Brennan's thoughts (which will be the final chapter).
To those of you who've asked about NoS, I'm not writing this story because I've given up on that one. I'm writing this in an attempt to get over my writer's block and get myself back into the mood where I can continue it.
Also, feel free to e-mail me or leave a review. Feed the muse! Comments make me think, and when I think, I usually end up writing. So thank you to those of you who send feedback - much appreciated.
