Warnings: little bit of language, some mature thoughts
~~~~~
Brennan's POV
~~~~~
I heard the door rattle when Shal tried to enter my room. A part of me wanted to open it, but it wouldn't be right. The shift occurred when Adam died, not when I turned the lock. It had already happened, and I don't get a chance to... put my affairs in order.
But I always knew if this day came, it would come without warning and be swift. If I try to make the transition gradually, it will only hurt more.
Shal and I, we would have ended soon anyway. We both could tell that it wouldn't last. Sure, we could be great for a while - and we were - but our relationship was the kind destined to burn brightly but quickly burn out. It wasn't the kind of thing where you could say that this was it, that we'd be together for the rest of our lives and be happy.
Ours just isn't that kind of chemistry. You mix us together and we explode. It was more about lust than love, but we went into it pretending that it could be love. But we never talked about the future. We didn't seriously have one, and I don't think either of us was dense enough to think we could.
But when have I ever cared about the future? I live from moment to moment. Always have. Shal's the same way. That's why we hooked up, because we wanted that really great moment.
It's over now, though. I can't be both her lover and her leader. Sex complicates things. I can't share a bed with somebody that I'm required to place in danger. And risk is part of our job. It's what we do every day.
Only now, I'm calling the plays. And if my orders put her in harm's way, I can't let my personal feelings interfere. I can't value her above Emma and Jesse. I could never risk them in order to help Shal.
And sleeping with somebody can blind you to where they're all that matters, and you'd do anything for them. It causes poor judgement. Which sounds odd coming from a guy who believes it's entirely possible to have women without having relationships, but when I take the same girl to my bed more than once, I can't help but feel... something. It's guilt, or responsibility maybe, if not love - and it's not... love.
But my point is, sex or love or whatever so long as it goes beyond purely lust, well, it leads to friendship or caring or, like I said earlier, responsibility.
Just look what happened to Jesse.
He fell for a pretty face, and he got burned. Hell, he got flambéed.
And Adam paid the price. Because she mattered more to Jesse than anyone else. That's what it all comes down to right there - she mattered more.
I wonder if Jess will ever take a chance like that again. I honestly don't know. I used to think I knew him well enough to say yes with certainty, but after today...
Jesse has changed. It was only during our trip back, but there's a new pattern now - he does as I say without protest or comment. He merely obeys. And I miss the banter. I miss the sarcastic remarks. I miss how whenever I took charge in the past, he would... God, I remember how he had this coy little smirk, and he'd look to me when I wasn't sure what to do, and he'd call me "Sir" with complete disrespect because he thought he could lead us better.
But he doesn't want to call the shots now. He didn't then either. It was just... sibling rivalry, for lack of a better term. Yet that's all gone now, and I hate the way he obeys me without question. What makes him think that I'm any smarter now than I was then?
Leaning heavily on my dresser, I stare into the mirror on the wall above it. Am I actually any different now? Have I learned anything as I've grown older? I don't think I have. I mean, well yeah, obviously I have changed some, as can be expected since everybody does, but I don't feel it.
Christ! This is all just too much to handle right now. I look at my reflection again, and it's older than I want to be. I haven't been young in many years, though. Not really. With my life, I was forced to grow up pretty fast. Never had much in the way of a real childhood. But I've always been, well, a free spirit I suppose, to put it mildly.
I go where I want, when I want, and I do whatever the hell I want. But now... shit. It's right there in the mirror, and I swear I can actually see it. There's this weight pressing down on me, and it's the same weight of the world that Adam wore on his shoulders... except that he carried it better. On me it's just... different, strange.
Who'd have ever thought it - Brennan Mulwray with real responsibilities? Obligations. Commitments. That's so, wow, and definitely unexpected. Weird. I've become completely somebody else than I always thought I'd turn out being.
And I'm actually afraid to be him - yeah, me afraid, well and truly so - because I'm not sure I know how. I never even noticed when my life turned around. I guess it was when I joined Mutant X, but I never actually expected that to stick. I just never left either.
And now the years have passed by and... here I am. I think if I met me, I might actually be somebody that I'd admire. And that sounds utterly and absurdly insane, but it's true. I'm the kind of person that I would meet, shake hands with and exchange awkward but thankfully brief pleasantries with, and then I'd be on my way, only to ever meet me again if I were to return to rob me blind and then never look back and give myself a chance to regret it.
But I am me. And this me is significantly harder to be than the thief. I had no expectations of myself back then. I would never let myself, or anybody else, down. Now... there's that damn weight upon my shoulders.
Just because Adam is dead, that doesn't mean I'm suddenly now able to do this. In fact, I can't do this!
When Adam died, it's not like some magical little fairy flew out his ass, bopped me on the nose with her wand, and sprinkled me with the pixie dust of knowledge! That's crap. Because when Adam died, I got nothing. I certainly didn't gain the wisdom needed to fill his shoes. He might have had smaller feet than I do, but his metaphorical shoes are frickin' huge.
So guess what, guys? Surprise! I'm still me. The old me, and not whoever that is in my mirror. When Adam died, I didn't become any better.
When Adam died... he just died.
Period. End of story.
I'm still only me. I'm a person that I made myself. And how is that possibly good enough when Adam was... so much better than anything I strive to be? I'm bound to fail if I try to be all that he was.
So what's supposed to be expected of me now? Why can't I just pack my bag and take off? Why can't I go back to being responsible for only one person - me. And I barely managed at that. Why must I stay and be the one to bear this burden? Why do I even care?
Why should I be scared of this when it's not mine. I didn't inherit Mutant X, or this war. I have to choose it. I have the choice!
And still... Still I know I can't ever walk away. I'm here, and this is for real. This is for keeps. Whoever I am now, I'm not somebody that can turn my back.
Shal, Emma, Jess... I'm going to make mistakes and let you all down. Repeatedly. All I can offer is that I won't leave. I swear I won't ever leave.
Okay... so...
Bring on the morning, I guess. I'm not ready for it, and it'll be hard for a while, but I know the others don't expect perfection from me right off the bat. Maybe not ever.
I'm only required to do my best.
I think perhaps I can manage that.
I've already pondered away most of the night, so I might as well get up and start my day. Adam was always up early, so I'm sure there's lots that needs to be done. My first task will be figuring out what the hell those jobs are.
I grab some fresh pants out of a drawer and snag a shirt from my closet - both black. We all seem to wear a lot of black; it's never been symbolic of anything before.
Abandoning the quiet peace and solitude of my room, I wander the dark, empty halls of our Sanctuary. The others all fled to their own rooms yesterday, and I don't expect to bump into any of them for quite a while. I'm fairly positive it's still before dawn. Emma might venture out sometime around noon, likely to meditate and sit by the reflecting pond. As for Shal and Jess, I dunno. I might eventually need Emma's help to drag them out of their beds and make sure they at least eat something.
That's if Emma can bear to be around them at all. That much grief could suffocate her. If I'd gotten her gift, I'd sure as hell be trying to exchange it. It takes somebody pretty strong to feel what everyone is feeling and not go nuts because of it. Em's a real tough little thing in that regard.
But as for what's left of tonight, though, we're all alone... and that hurts because now is when we need each other the most. But we all need to handle this night apart, all for different reasons. And we'll survive it.
Come sunrise, the cold light of day will bring us back together. One less, but still strong. Maybe damaged, maybe broken for a while. But still a team. And we will all pull through this together and remain intact. And not because of the mission; I don't put all my faith in that.
I put my faith in the fact that, now more than ever, we're family. We have to be.
Perhaps I'm in denial or just plain lying to myself, but I believe we'll be okay given time. So I make my way to the lab and sit in Adam's usual chair. And I always assumed they were on a timer, but now I wonder if it's only this dark in here because Adam wasn't up before me this morning to turn on the lights.
-----
THE END
-----
I'm calling this the final chapter, because I don't think working on this story any more will help me in finding my lost MX muse. Also, I've now done all the Mutant X POV's, and nobody's really interested in this story anyway.
Do you all just not like first person stories? I'm curious why my posting this only seemed to spark a new round e-mails concerning my Name of Science series. Do you simply not appreciate being left hanging without an end for Messiah Strand? I'd certainly understand that, but I don't think I'm quite ready to continue that yet. I tried to write this to get myself back in the mood, but I think all I proved is that I don't belong in Bren's head at four in the morning!
~~~~~
Brennan's POV
~~~~~
I heard the door rattle when Shal tried to enter my room. A part of me wanted to open it, but it wouldn't be right. The shift occurred when Adam died, not when I turned the lock. It had already happened, and I don't get a chance to... put my affairs in order.
But I always knew if this day came, it would come without warning and be swift. If I try to make the transition gradually, it will only hurt more.
Shal and I, we would have ended soon anyway. We both could tell that it wouldn't last. Sure, we could be great for a while - and we were - but our relationship was the kind destined to burn brightly but quickly burn out. It wasn't the kind of thing where you could say that this was it, that we'd be together for the rest of our lives and be happy.
Ours just isn't that kind of chemistry. You mix us together and we explode. It was more about lust than love, but we went into it pretending that it could be love. But we never talked about the future. We didn't seriously have one, and I don't think either of us was dense enough to think we could.
But when have I ever cared about the future? I live from moment to moment. Always have. Shal's the same way. That's why we hooked up, because we wanted that really great moment.
It's over now, though. I can't be both her lover and her leader. Sex complicates things. I can't share a bed with somebody that I'm required to place in danger. And risk is part of our job. It's what we do every day.
Only now, I'm calling the plays. And if my orders put her in harm's way, I can't let my personal feelings interfere. I can't value her above Emma and Jesse. I could never risk them in order to help Shal.
And sleeping with somebody can blind you to where they're all that matters, and you'd do anything for them. It causes poor judgement. Which sounds odd coming from a guy who believes it's entirely possible to have women without having relationships, but when I take the same girl to my bed more than once, I can't help but feel... something. It's guilt, or responsibility maybe, if not love - and it's not... love.
But my point is, sex or love or whatever so long as it goes beyond purely lust, well, it leads to friendship or caring or, like I said earlier, responsibility.
Just look what happened to Jesse.
He fell for a pretty face, and he got burned. Hell, he got flambéed.
And Adam paid the price. Because she mattered more to Jesse than anyone else. That's what it all comes down to right there - she mattered more.
I wonder if Jess will ever take a chance like that again. I honestly don't know. I used to think I knew him well enough to say yes with certainty, but after today...
Jesse has changed. It was only during our trip back, but there's a new pattern now - he does as I say without protest or comment. He merely obeys. And I miss the banter. I miss the sarcastic remarks. I miss how whenever I took charge in the past, he would... God, I remember how he had this coy little smirk, and he'd look to me when I wasn't sure what to do, and he'd call me "Sir" with complete disrespect because he thought he could lead us better.
But he doesn't want to call the shots now. He didn't then either. It was just... sibling rivalry, for lack of a better term. Yet that's all gone now, and I hate the way he obeys me without question. What makes him think that I'm any smarter now than I was then?
Leaning heavily on my dresser, I stare into the mirror on the wall above it. Am I actually any different now? Have I learned anything as I've grown older? I don't think I have. I mean, well yeah, obviously I have changed some, as can be expected since everybody does, but I don't feel it.
Christ! This is all just too much to handle right now. I look at my reflection again, and it's older than I want to be. I haven't been young in many years, though. Not really. With my life, I was forced to grow up pretty fast. Never had much in the way of a real childhood. But I've always been, well, a free spirit I suppose, to put it mildly.
I go where I want, when I want, and I do whatever the hell I want. But now... shit. It's right there in the mirror, and I swear I can actually see it. There's this weight pressing down on me, and it's the same weight of the world that Adam wore on his shoulders... except that he carried it better. On me it's just... different, strange.
Who'd have ever thought it - Brennan Mulwray with real responsibilities? Obligations. Commitments. That's so, wow, and definitely unexpected. Weird. I've become completely somebody else than I always thought I'd turn out being.
And I'm actually afraid to be him - yeah, me afraid, well and truly so - because I'm not sure I know how. I never even noticed when my life turned around. I guess it was when I joined Mutant X, but I never actually expected that to stick. I just never left either.
And now the years have passed by and... here I am. I think if I met me, I might actually be somebody that I'd admire. And that sounds utterly and absurdly insane, but it's true. I'm the kind of person that I would meet, shake hands with and exchange awkward but thankfully brief pleasantries with, and then I'd be on my way, only to ever meet me again if I were to return to rob me blind and then never look back and give myself a chance to regret it.
But I am me. And this me is significantly harder to be than the thief. I had no expectations of myself back then. I would never let myself, or anybody else, down. Now... there's that damn weight upon my shoulders.
Just because Adam is dead, that doesn't mean I'm suddenly now able to do this. In fact, I can't do this!
When Adam died, it's not like some magical little fairy flew out his ass, bopped me on the nose with her wand, and sprinkled me with the pixie dust of knowledge! That's crap. Because when Adam died, I got nothing. I certainly didn't gain the wisdom needed to fill his shoes. He might have had smaller feet than I do, but his metaphorical shoes are frickin' huge.
So guess what, guys? Surprise! I'm still me. The old me, and not whoever that is in my mirror. When Adam died, I didn't become any better.
When Adam died... he just died.
Period. End of story.
I'm still only me. I'm a person that I made myself. And how is that possibly good enough when Adam was... so much better than anything I strive to be? I'm bound to fail if I try to be all that he was.
So what's supposed to be expected of me now? Why can't I just pack my bag and take off? Why can't I go back to being responsible for only one person - me. And I barely managed at that. Why must I stay and be the one to bear this burden? Why do I even care?
Why should I be scared of this when it's not mine. I didn't inherit Mutant X, or this war. I have to choose it. I have the choice!
And still... Still I know I can't ever walk away. I'm here, and this is for real. This is for keeps. Whoever I am now, I'm not somebody that can turn my back.
Shal, Emma, Jess... I'm going to make mistakes and let you all down. Repeatedly. All I can offer is that I won't leave. I swear I won't ever leave.
Okay... so...
Bring on the morning, I guess. I'm not ready for it, and it'll be hard for a while, but I know the others don't expect perfection from me right off the bat. Maybe not ever.
I'm only required to do my best.
I think perhaps I can manage that.
I've already pondered away most of the night, so I might as well get up and start my day. Adam was always up early, so I'm sure there's lots that needs to be done. My first task will be figuring out what the hell those jobs are.
I grab some fresh pants out of a drawer and snag a shirt from my closet - both black. We all seem to wear a lot of black; it's never been symbolic of anything before.
Abandoning the quiet peace and solitude of my room, I wander the dark, empty halls of our Sanctuary. The others all fled to their own rooms yesterday, and I don't expect to bump into any of them for quite a while. I'm fairly positive it's still before dawn. Emma might venture out sometime around noon, likely to meditate and sit by the reflecting pond. As for Shal and Jess, I dunno. I might eventually need Emma's help to drag them out of their beds and make sure they at least eat something.
That's if Emma can bear to be around them at all. That much grief could suffocate her. If I'd gotten her gift, I'd sure as hell be trying to exchange it. It takes somebody pretty strong to feel what everyone is feeling and not go nuts because of it. Em's a real tough little thing in that regard.
But as for what's left of tonight, though, we're all alone... and that hurts because now is when we need each other the most. But we all need to handle this night apart, all for different reasons. And we'll survive it.
Come sunrise, the cold light of day will bring us back together. One less, but still strong. Maybe damaged, maybe broken for a while. But still a team. And we will all pull through this together and remain intact. And not because of the mission; I don't put all my faith in that.
I put my faith in the fact that, now more than ever, we're family. We have to be.
Perhaps I'm in denial or just plain lying to myself, but I believe we'll be okay given time. So I make my way to the lab and sit in Adam's usual chair. And I always assumed they were on a timer, but now I wonder if it's only this dark in here because Adam wasn't up before me this morning to turn on the lights.
-----
THE END
-----
I'm calling this the final chapter, because I don't think working on this story any more will help me in finding my lost MX muse. Also, I've now done all the Mutant X POV's, and nobody's really interested in this story anyway.
Do you all just not like first person stories? I'm curious why my posting this only seemed to spark a new round e-mails concerning my Name of Science series. Do you simply not appreciate being left hanging without an end for Messiah Strand? I'd certainly understand that, but I don't think I'm quite ready to continue that yet. I tried to write this to get myself back in the mood, but I think all I proved is that I don't belong in Bren's head at four in the morning!
