RedMetalCross

I have finally returned with the third edition to the Paternity Test Saga. This one isn't as funny as the last one but it still has that weird twist that boggles the mind. Anyway, thanks to all who reviewed because it took great courage just to read this nonsense. **************

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The Maury Show

Topic: " Mommy, Who Is My Daddy?"

(The camera turns back on and focuses on the stage. Maury is seen taking Saria to the back of the stage before coming back out. He looks at his cue card.)

MAURY: " Now it is time to meet out third guest. This is a young lady who hails from the local ranch in Hyrule. Her story is that she had gotten together with a young man for a few months. Their relationship turned very intimate and ultimately led to her becoming pregnant. However, when she gave him the news, he flatly denied it and then accused her of cheating on him. Ladies and gentlemen, here's Malon."

(The audience claps their hands. Malon walks down the steps, where she's greeted by Maury, and sits down at one of the chairs.)

MAURY: " How are you doing Malon?"

MALON: " I'm doing okay Maury."

MAURY: " I see that you have had misfortunes with your baby."

MALON: " Yes. Poor little Lance. He's only three years old and he's already asking me who is his Daddy. I don't know what to tell him."

MAURY: " Why?"

MALON: " I can't just say that his Daddy left so I just avoid the question."

MAURY: " And who do you think is the Daddy of little Lance?"

MALON: " I don't think, I know who he is. And his name is Link."

MAURY: " Link! Haha. The same Link that is getting married to Princess Zelda?"

(Malon nods her head. The audience was starting to get a little rowdy. They really didn't like Zelda's debut on the show.)

MAURY: " Holy sh...hehehe. Almost blew there didn't I? Just because the whole show went to hell doesn't mean I will. Anyway, are you sure that you didn't cheat with anyone else while you were with Link?"

MALON: " I'm absolutely positive. I was in love with him and part of me still is today."

(Slowly tears fell down Malon's face. Maury hands her a couple of tissues.)

MAURY: " Okay. Here is what Link had to say about little Lance being his child."

(The television screen turns on. Link is standing there.)

LINK: " Maury, let me start off by saying that this is the biggest pile of bullshit I have ever seen in my life! Malon is nothing but a cheap and dirty slut! She said she loved me but I always thought otherwise. Some nights I would go to the ranch and she wouldn't be there. So when she told me she was pregnant, that only confirmed my suspicions. You're nothing but a bitch, Malon, and there is no chance in fucking hell that the baby is mine!"

(The television turns off. The audience begins booing.)

MAURY: (Looking at Malon.) " Those were some strong words by Link. (He turns to the audience.)Let's meet the man who denies this baby. Here's Link!"

(Link steps out. The audience boos immediately. Link retaliates by flipping the bird and screaming out profanity. Maury doesn't even get up to shake his hand. Link sits down.)

AUDIENCE MEMBER: " Fucking bastard!"

LINK: " Shut the fuck up. You know you want my dick."

MAURY: " I understand Link that you and Zelda are getting married. Next month as a matter of fact."

LINK: " That's right. And this stupid shit with Malon is pissing Zelda and I off. I want it to stop."

MAURY: " But weren't you sexually active with Malon a few years ago?"

LINK: (He rolled his eyes.) " I guess you can say that. But I have to say that I didn't enjoy any of it."

MALON: " Bullshit! You came to the ranch every night looking for what?! Sure as hell wasn't for some milk!"

LINK: " Ha! Okay, I'll give you that one. The sex was good but explain to me this: Why the hell would I go up there sometimes to the ranch and you wouldn't be waiting there?"

MALON: " I was either out delivering milk with my father or already asleep. The whole world doesn't revolve around you Link."

LINK: " It should damn it! I only saved every last motherfucker here from sure annihilation."

MALON: " You see, Maury. That's the problem. Link is a fucking egomaniac. I don't know how Zelda puts up with it."

LINK: " I don't care what you don't like about me. All I have to say that the little boy isn't mine."

MALON: " What?! Link have you ever taken a good look of him?! He looks exactly like you!"

(The television behind them flicks back on. It shows the face of Link and Lance side-by-side. )

LINK: (Looks at the screen for a minute.) " So Lance has blonde hair and blue eyes like me. A thousand other men in Hyrule fit that description."

MAURY: " So you are pretty confident that you are not the father of Lance."

LINK: " 100% positive."

MAURY: (He pulls out the familiar brown envelope.) " It just so happens that I have the results of the paternity test and we're about to find out the truth. Are you ready?"

LINK: " I'm not scared of a stupid piece of paper. I know I'm not the father."

MAURY: " Fine then." (He pulls the white piece of paper out but puts it back down.)

LINK: " Huh?! What the hell are you doing, Maury?! Read the damn paper so I can prove all these bastards out here wrong!"

MAURY: " Not yet. You see, a guest earlier came to us and also said that she suspected you as the father of her child. Because we already have your samples, the show was able to do another test. (He picks up another envelope.) Here are those results. But first let's call the girl out."

(The audience claps as Saria steps back down the steps. She sits on the other side of Maury, away from Malon and Link.)

LINK: " Saria?! What the fuck are you doing here?!"

SARIA: " I came because...I think you're the father of my baby."

LINK: " NO!"

MAURY: " Looks like you have two babies to worry about. By the way Link, aren't you engaged to Princess Zelda?"

LINK: " Yeah. We've been engaged for about a year and a half now."

AUDIENCE: " Ohhhhh!"

LINK: " What?! Why are you doing that?!"

MAURY: " Tsk, tsk, Link. Cheating on your fiance. If only she found out..."

LINK: " Yeah well, Zelda can't. She's back at home, in the castle. She'll never find out I cheated on her."

MAURY: " Ha! That's what you think! Zelda has been in the back the whole time and she heard everything you said! Come on out, Zelda!"

LINK: " What?! NO!"

(Zelda walks out on stage with a very pissed off look on her face. She sees Link sitting down and charges at him, knocking him out of his chair and onto the floor. Zelda's slaps him repeatedly across the face. The audience roars with excitement.)

ZELDA: " You bastard! I hate you! How could you cheat on me?!"

LINK: " I didn't mean to! We were fighting at the time! I don't love those two whores, I love you!"

SARIA & MALON: " What?! Whores?!"

(They both get up and begin stomping on Link. Link falls unconscious but, unfortunately for him, a fairy pops out of a bottle and brought him back to consciousness. Zelda takes off her ring and smashes it into Link's face.)

ZELDA: " It's over you stupid fuck!"

LINK: (Pulling himself to his feet.) " But...but..."

ZELDA: " Quiet! I don't want to see you anymore! Guards! Take him away!" (Tears were falling from her face.)

(Ten Hylian guards come from backstage and walk towards Link. He falls down onto his knees and begs to Zelda for mercy. She ignores him and turns away.)

HYLIAN GUARD: " Come on, boy. Time to take you away."

LINK: " NOOOO!"

(The whole studio suddenly turned black for about ten seconds. The lights came back on with everyone still there except for one edition that stood in front of Link, shielding him from the guards.)

LINK: (In complete shock.) " Sheik! I thought you...I thought you were..."

SHEIK: " Zelda? Ha! No spoiled little twit could ever be like me."

ZELDA: " Sheik! I thought I banished you into the Sacred Realm?!"

SHEIK: " Hahahaha! You failed sweetheart! But don't worry, I'm not seeking revenge. I just came here to right a wrong. Link! Grab on to my body!"

ZELDA: " Guards! After them, you fools!"

(Links quickly grabs on to Sheik's body. Sheik pulls out a Deku Nut and throws it into the ground, blinding everyone around. When the light disappeared, Link and Sheik were no where to be found.)

MAURY: (He finally got up from his chair and walked in the center of the stage.) " That was amazing! I have never seen anything like this. And we didn't even read the damn paternity test results. Oh well, might as well read them now. (He looks at the two sheets of paper.) Just like I thought. Link is the father of both Lance and Sage."

(The audience cheers. Zelda and her henchmen clear off the stage. Malon and Saria leave as well, oddly enough holding hands. Maury is left alone on stage.)

MAURY: " That was really weird but very exciting. I barely know what to say about it. Anyway, we will have one more guest on the show so stick around to hear this one."

(Camera turns off.)